Need opinion… Fantasy book

Ok *Takes deep breath* I’m kinda nervous cause I haven’t ever let anyone read anything I’ve written. I’m a bad to translate, but this is a passage of fantasy book I’m writing right now. *Hope you roughly understand the plot*

"Valerie ran as fast as she could in her flap-hemmed dress. She still heard the screams of the panic crowd. Seemed like the party was over, but she couldn’t have care less about that. She just couldn’t understand- where in heck could man with a big winged horse hide so fast without leaving signs? Her 20-years old brains weren’t enough to make it out. The house wasn’t that big. She didn’t believe the demon could change invisible. He was a human, made flesh and blood, Valerie was sure of it. And Ryan had confirmed no one wasn’t made it through the door.
She checked every door without thinking was it closet or livingroom. She found what she was looking for faster she had hoped; The black horse ran through the hall from the balcony. She tried to jump side but suddenly the red-caped man grabbed her arm without she even realised what was happening. She started screaming but it was no use. Suddenly she realised the man was going to jump through the window, and closed her eyes. The man was crazy- did he want to kill them both?!
When she didn’t hear noice of breaking glass and felt cool wind on her face, she opened them. She started to scream again. She didn’t understand what just happened but right now, they already were high in the air. "

A little confusing with words, but nice. I’m assuming the man with the read cape and the horse is Odin. Yes, very nice indeed….maybe if there was a bit more detail..note, a BIT..not much =P

Yeah a little hard to make out what is going on with the wording. Seems to be coming along alright though. Try not to just change from scene to scene suddenly, again this might be because of the wording.

"Yeah a little hard to make out what is going on with the wording. Seems to be coming along alright though. Try not to just change from scene to scene suddenly, again this might be because of the wording."

That meant ‘slow down’ right?

As I said, I’m terrible to translate directly… This was also a little bad scene to take a passage, but the plot was the main thing. So if I’d take more details and slow down, would it make it better? :rolleyes:

*Post more, I still like to take more advices. I really work hard for this book!!!* 😯 :PuppyDog: :confused: :notgood: 🙂 :uh?:

I think it’s nice as I’m writing a book also.
It isn’t always bad if their is a tempo in the story and I don’t think you’ll have to slow down the story unless you think it’s better yourself;)