the woman of the rain

hey im new here so i thought that i would start out by posting some of my work. open critisim wanted. please i cant get better if u take pitty on me if i suck and tell me things like "um that is um…..good…… yea,good." but you dont have to be mean. thanx 🙂

THE WOMAN OFTHE RAIN
Have you ever seen the woman of the rain
Some think her to be insane
Waiting out side the gate
For him, the one who for an eternity she would wait
Have you ever felt her pain
Unable to love because she is not the same
If she is the night than he is the day
Things were not meant to be this way
But still she waits, how long will she wait
Do you think there is anywhere, any place on any date
Where she will not have to wait
Or have you too only looked one way and not the other
Or have you too forgot we are all sister and brother
On the other side of the gate
He too will wait,
Like her he will be stained
By the tears of god called falling rain
God cries for his children, the night and the day
Do you think that we will ever be able to truthfully say
That love has been able to open the gate
Or have you too forgotten what love really is

No real comment besides the rhymes sound a little stiff. Like, it looks like you were straining to find words that rhyme in places and it seems a bit forced =\

If you aren’t doing it already, think of the rhymes in clumps and develop them as one, instead of going line by line. It should help them flow a bit more.

Originally posted by rezo
it looks like you were straining to find words that rhyme in places and it seems a bit forced =\

lol that is exsacly what i did. thanx for the tip i will do that next time i write.