I wish to touch the moon (a poem)

ok, it sucks. here it is:

I wish to touch the moon.
To tame the wild sky.
To pierce the strongest heart.
To be hurt and not cry.

I wish to touch the moon.
To fall into the sea
To fly to a star
To be all I can be.

I wish to touch the moon.
To cry a tear of joy
To be the center of fame
To be treated fair, not as a toy.

I dont need to touch the moon.
All my dreams and wishes came true.
Now that i have found you.

Okay!… I know it sucks. i dont even know if i should have posted here. tell me any mess-ups!

Well I’m a sucky critic, so I’ll leave that to the other people around here. I did sorta like it though. Sorta.

I liked it, that’s really good compared to Poems that I do!

I liked it, that’s really good compared to Poems that I do!
I completely agree with the pink chocobo on this one. I’m to scared to post any of my poetry up on a forum.

Why? Are you scared people will make fun of it? And if they do, there will be at least one person who helps you out. At least.

It’s pretty nice.

I dislike the last stanza. It doesn’t seem to connect. Otherwise, not bad.

Can’t you kids talk about anything other than love, or suicide?! Damn!

I’m always fond of odd phrasing (and people pick at that, but my ear loves it), so keep on with that. The choice of words is pretty bland and hackneyed ("be all that I can be," for instance) and that’s can always make a poem drag a little. ‘Sides that, I thought it was good.

Oh, and if you think I’m being mean, I’m not–I just prefer not to say "It was good" because that’s about as worthwhile as a pleasantry. Just so you know where I’m coming from. 🙂

hmm… i’d like to elaborate on the idea that the last stanza doesn’t really fit with the rest of the poem…

i like the shift to ‘i don’t’ rather than starting out with ‘i wish’ but i think that the poem could look a lot more uh… ‘composed’ (bad word, sorry) if you made the last stanza four lines like the rest of them.

vivid verbs are also your friend, too! ‘strongest’? i’m sure there’s a better word for that at least, if not other words you chose to include. sometimes it doesn’t really matter what you say, but how you say it, y’know?

oh, and you really do have guts to post your stuff here! don’t take my mild critisim too harshly!

I completely agree with the pink chocobo on this one. I’m to scared to post any of my poetry up on a forum.
And so you should be. I’ve been off form recently, but I’m back in action now.

So, hogwash.

ok, it sucks. here it is:

I wish to touch the moon.
To tame the wild sky.
To pierce the strongest heart.
To be hurt and not cry.

Not only is this basically the lowest common denominator of rhyming and rhythm, you basically make no goddamn sense. What is this meant to mean? Are any of these things remotely connected? Or did you just decide to put words together that sounded pretty and rhymed? Yes, that’s what you did.

I wish to touch the moon.
That’s nice.

To fall into the sea
What.

To fly to a star
Ok.

To be all I can be.
Oh. That almost connects to the last one. Almost.

I wish to touch the moon.
We get it already.

To cry a tear of joy
Oh god.

To be the center of fame
To be treated fair, not as a toy.
NNNNNNOOOOOOO. Sorry, the fame line was bad, but…jesus christ. That final rhyme? That final rhyme was just arse. Painful. You were obviously sitting there thinking either "oh god what do I rhyme this with" or it didn’t even occur to you how bad an idea this was. You destroy the rhythm and make this whole sordid business worse.

I dont need to touch the moon.
Well alright, but you forgot something with that don’t.

All my dreams and wishes came true.
Now that i have found you.
True and you? Forsooth, this is new ground!

Okay!… I know it sucks.
Then why dear god did you post it.

i dont even know if i should have posted here.
I agree that this was one that definitely could have benefitted from not being posted.

tell me any mess-ups!
I don’t even know what to say.

We need to institute a policy much like the fabled seriously/butt principle in GD with "I know this sucks." I suggest changing it to something funny like "BUTTOCK."

ur stupid the poem was kinda good

ur stupid the poem was kinda good
~words from a true critic~

Damn skippy. Good to have ya back mrmonkeyman!

The poem came to me as describing someone who feels the need to accomplish something great in order to be in balance with his/her self, but in the end discovers what he/she was truly seeking along the way.

The poem has a good premise, with more detail and little more connection the poem could be very good. Just remember the main idea of the poem and draw as many details as you can from it.

I love this poem… It So Sweet and romantic and… Oh i just love it!=)