I have a few questions I want to ask

If you come across a tiny little ring so evil and powerful that it could help its evil creator enslave an entire fantasy-land, what would you do?

Would you like to fasten your seat-belt and go on a big, long, scary, thousand-page-long thrill ride through said fantasy-land with four hobbits, two humane guys, an elf, a wizard, and a dwarf, in order to throw the evil ring down the volcano deep into enemy territory, with many a battle and many a betrayal and many a bloodshed and many a suffering happening along the way?

And if so, could you explain what the tiny and evil and powerful little ring and its creator and its history really like?

Also, what is the name of the big, long, scary book of a thousand pages plus appendices, maps, and index in which such fantastic yet humane creatures band together to go on this big, long, scary questing journey to ‘throw the ring down the volcano’?

1. No. You are absolutely never allowed to do that in public. It’s lewd and disrespectful. Doing so will result in a 3-day ban, and all privileges with the church revoked.

2. Yes, provided the bishop allows it. However, you will be required to clean it all up after the two of you are finished.

3. Yes and no. It’s clearly detailed in section 3, column 4, article 7 of your contract that doing so will almost certainly result in your banishment from the church, but this rule can be bent a bit.

4. Absolutely 100% no. I catch you doing this one, you will be put on unpaid administrative leave. No ifs, ands or rear ends about it.

I hope this clears up any and all concerns you may have, and I look forward to your continued service to our cause. Any and all further inquiries may be directed to my secretary, who will be glad to take your call. Thank you, and stand by for further information.