Vayne
09-19-2006, 10:11 AM
Tell me what ya's think of it? Of course it ain't finished yet.

Final fantasy 7

Party 1: Cloud, Denzel, Marlene, Tifa, Reno, Rude, Vincent.
Party 2: Barret, Cid, Yuffie, Nanaki.
Enemies: Bahamut Sin, Bahamut (normal), Bahamut Zero, Dark Bahamut, Shadow Creepers, Loz, Sephiroth, Yazoo,

1 Year after Cloud and the others defeated Sephiroth.

Cloud: Hey guy�s, It�s time that we go and pick up nanaki from the kennel. Denzel: Why did the second party put him in there while they do a mission, wouldn�t he be helpful to have. Tifa: He is a dog, you guy�s know what those dogs are like. They can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Marlene: I like Red, he is so cudyful and nice. Cloud: Too bad he doesn�t think the same. Anyway guy�s c�mon. Once we get Red we need to wait just outside of the town and then Cid will come and pick us up, then we need to go and get Rude and Reno. And then it�s off to the orphanage for a few nights. Denzel: Are we all going to be here? Tifa: Cloud, Reno and Rude have to go and take care of something, other then those three we all will be together. Marlene: Ok, but make sure you come back Cloud. Cloud: Don�t worry, Me, Reno and rude wont be too long. Tifa: All right then let�s go.

Inside Car: Denzel: Hey Cloud, just out of curiosity. What are you going to do? Cloud: What do you mean? Denzel: What are you, Reno and Rude planning on doing? Cloud: Where trying to go and find Loz and see if we can get some answer�s out of him. Marlene: Answer�s for what? Cloud: Well when I defeated Sephiroth and the others. There was still one person who survived. And that is Loz. About 6 months after we defeated Sephiroth�

The Church (Clouds House): Reno: Yo Cloud have you seen have you seen Rude today, I can�t find him anywhere? Cloud: Yeah he went out to go and buy a bit supplies, he didn�t tell you because he knew that you would want to come and that you would be a pain in the ass, so he didn�t tell you where he was going. Kinda funny if you ask me. Reno: Lately he is doing that to me a lot. Rude: I�m back. Sorry I didn�t tell you where I was going Reno, I ah� Reno: There is no need to act as if you where in a rush. Cloud: Wait, Who�s that. As cloud, Reno and rude all look up at the ceiling they spot one of Sephiroth�s Hench men Loz. Cloud: Look its Loz! As Loz gets sprung he starts heading for the exit. Cloud: Reno cover the exit, and Rude try and grab him. As Loz starts running along the wall towards the exit Reno covers it up. Loz keeps running and Rude dives at him but unfortunately misses and hits the wall. As Loz keeps running Cloud starts to sprint at Loz. Loz uses a speed up material and outruns Cloud. He heads for the exit and does a 180 flip right over Reno. Reno looks over in surprise as Loz makes a quick getaway.

Inside Car: Cloud: And yeah that is how we found out that Loz was still alive. And it also looks like he still has a bit of yuffie�s material aswell. But if it wasn�t for Reno then we might have gotten Loz that day, but we can�t go blaming him always. So yeah from then on we have been planning when to attack him. Tifa: Actually, how exactly do you guys know where he is? We haven�t seen him just once, we have only encountered him once but we have seen him around in town, every Thursday he goes and stays in a small hotel just down the road from the orphanage, that�s why when we go to get him you guys have to be careful that use don�t get hurt. But it should be ok. We have a paralyzing material clipped onto all of us. So once he sees us he will try to run, that�s when we just use it on him. Marlene: I hope that you will be ok Cloud? Tifa: Where here. Cloud: You kids just wait in the car ok.

Kennel: Nanaki: Woof Woof, LET ME OUT OF HERE! Worker: Listen, if you settle down then I will let you out for a bit, but you must promise that you will not try to run again or I WILL have to use the tazers. Nanaki: Oh, ok!

Front Desk: Manager: How may I help you? Cloud: Ah yeah, just about 3 days ago I put a dog in one of your kennels, Ah he goes by the name of Nanaki. Manager: Ah good your coming to pick him up, he has been nothing but trouble. He has bitten at least 3 of our employers. He is nothing but trouble, so please take him. Cloud: Ah well here is your Gil. Manager: Thank you! You�re lucky that I�m not charging you more! Nanaki: Woof Woof, Cloud you are finally here, I thought that you forgot about me. Tifa: Ha, forget about you� Never. Nanaki: Anyway let�s go, I hate this place.

Inside Car: Nanaki: Finally I�m out of that hell hole, if you ever have to put me back in there I will run away. Marlene: Red, you�re back! I�m so glad to see you again. Nanaki: Oh jeeze. Not this again. Tifa: Ok seat belts on. Nanaki: I bags the back of the truck. Cloud: No! We have too much junk in there. Nanaki: No you don�t, there is nothing in the back. Cloud: Oh fine, but once Reno gets here he has it. Tifa starts the car and takes off to go and pick up Reno and Rude. Tifa: Hey just wondering, where the hell is Reno and Rude? Cloud: There working at the local fish and chip store. Denzel: Uncle Rude is working? Wow not like him. Cloud: Heh, tell me about it.

Local fish and chip store: Rude: yes how may I help you? Customer: Ah I would like just 2 of your battered fish pieces and a scoop of chips. Rude: yeah sure: Yo Reno, 2 fish and a scoop of chips. Coming right up. Rude: Ok that will be about 2 minutes. NEXT PLEASE. Cloud: Hey Rude. Rude: Oh finally you�re here. I didn�t think that you where coming to get me. I do only work a 12 hour shift not a 14 hour one. Reno pokes his head around the corner to see who is there. Reno: Yo Cloud, what�s up. Cloud: Just come to get you guys out of here, looks like a dump if you ask me. Rude: Oi, we do work here. Cloud: Yeah as a cover job. Rude: Anyway the guys out the back haven�t gotten back with the gear, can you just go around to the side of the shop and see where they are. Cloud: Yeah sure, but I�m not your paper boy.

Side of shop: As Cloud goes outside of the shop and goes around to the side he notices two shadow creepers starting to attack the other workers. Cloud: Oh Shit. NANAKI, TIFA, HELP! It�s the Shadow Creepers. Nanaki and Tifa hears Clouds desperate cry for help. Nanaki: Woof Woof. Where coming. Tifa: Just stay here kids, I don�t want use to get hurt. As Tifa and Nanaki run around the corner they see Cloud trying to defeat 2 Shadow Creepers. Tifa: Shit, where here. Cloud: You get the people, me and Red will take care of the Creepers. Tifa: Ok. Nanaki: They shouldn�t have messed with us.

Battle Time: As Cloud pulls out his buster sword one of the creepers dive at him and strike him hard on the shoulder blade. Cloud falls to the ground but it is not enough to knock him out. Nanaki: Shit! Cloud you ok. Cloud: Yeah sure, it�s just a small bite. Nanaki Lunges at one of creepers biting it and killing it. The other shadow creeper goes to lunge at Red but Cloud uses the Materia �fire� and burns the creature.

Cloud: Shit, are you ok? Civilian: Yeah I�m fine, thanks for the help. Cloud: Yeah no problem, Um I was also wondering, are you coming to take over Rude and Reno�s job? Civilian: Yeah, I would have been there about 10 minutes ago but those dam creatures attacked me and I just couldn�t move. Anyway thanks for the help and you can go and tell the other two on that they can go now. Red: Alrighty. Let�s go Cloud.

Fish and Chip Store: Cloud: Rude, Reno. Time to go. Rude: Oh ok. Reno, let�s go. Reno: Oh yeah about time to.

Outside Car: Cloud: Alright, hop in Red. Red: Hey remember I get the back of the truck. Cloud: Ok whatever. Reno: Hey no it�s about time that I get a turn the back of the truck. Red: You always get it. Rude: Oi Cloud, look. Cloud looks over the street where another set of shops are. When he looks over he notices a man with silver hair. When he looks closer he realizes that it is Loz.

Cloud: Now�s our chance Rude. We can get him now and be back for tea. Rude: Alright. Reno look, Loz is just over the road there, where going to get him. Nanaki: Well now that you have me and Tifa aswell we can help. Cloud: Yeah I guess so Nanaki. Anyway the plan is, me and you Red will go in on the front to try and get him. No doubt he will run. That�s when I�m counting on your Reno to get him from one side. If he out runs you then I expect you Rude to get him. By that time me and Red hopefully have caught up so then we can get him if you fail. Tifa: Um and what exactly do I do? Rude: You better go with Reno: I know he won�t get him. Reno: Hey, I�m not as bloody clumsy as you! Cloud: Anyway let�s do it. You kid�s stay in the car and don�t move. We should be back soon. If we aren�t able to get him, Me, Reno and Rude will carry on, while Tifa, you Red and the kid�s keep going towards the orphanage. We will meet you there. Tifa: Alright, let�s do it.

Hunting Time: Cloud: All right let�s do it! Cloud and Red start to head towards Loz across the road. Tifa and Reno get to the left oh him and then Rude goes towards the right. Loz finishes what he was doing and goes to walk the same way as Cloud and Red are. When he turns around he notices Cloud there. Cloud: Shit I think that he spotted us. Rude: Hey Cloud can you read me. Listen I think he might have spotted you, so when he runs we all get into position and get him. Understood. Red, Tifa, Reno and Rude: Gotcha. Rude: Let�s do it. Cloud and Red start running towards Loz. As Loz realizes that it is Cloud and the others coming for him, Loz puts uses a �Speed up� materia on himself. Loz starts to run up to Reno and Tifa. Loz runs past Reno and hits him over the head. Tifa goes to grab him but he teleports behind her. As he slips behind her Rude comes up behind Loz and hits him in the back. Loz slowly get�s up but by the time that he gets up Red comes up to him and uses a special technique that he learned a while ago, He uses �Lunge� at Loz which hurts him, but also paralyzes him in the spot.

Cloud: Hey Loz, long time no see ey. Loz: Ah, what did you do to me you mutt? Nanaki: I just paralyzed you, so you won�t be able to walk for about a day or two, and you won�t have your full body back for about a week. Loz: You freak, when I get my hands� Tifa: Heh, that�s the thing, you won�t be getting your hands on us. After the little running stunt that you pulled. Obviously you have something that you know, so you�re going to tell us that. Got it! Loz: Heh, the only thing that I am going to tell you is that you�re all dead. They will arise again more powerful then ever. Cloud: They? You�re talking about Sephiroth aren�t you? But who else? Loz: Heh, Sephiroth is one of them, but I am going to create the Ultimate Reunion. With everyone in it. And then, she will be our mother once more. After Loz had finished speaking his sentence. His arm started to light up, and then some material came visible. He yells out �Take me away, Ultimate One�. And then all of a sudden Zero Bahamut comes roaring out of the sky. And knocks everyone onto the ground. He then uses the move Impulse and destroys the entire environment around him.

Cloud: Shit! Everyone take cover. It�s Bahamut. Tifa: If we get separated meet us at the Orphanage. Reno: Shit it�s coming back. Rude: Quickly run. Me and Cloud will take care of Bahamut. Everyone else head back to the Orphanage. Reno: Hey man, we never do anything alone. Rude: Yeah I know. Tifa: Alright, Nanaki, Denzel and Marlene. Let�s go! Red: Alright. C�mon kids. Denzel and Marlene: Ok. Marlene: Good luck Cloud. Cloud: Thanks, but I won�t need it. This should be easy. Rude: Oi Cloud. Don�t go thinking that it will be easy, Dark Bahamut is pretty� Before Rude got too finish his sentence, Dark Bahamut used �Demi� Right in the middle of the group, swishing everyone onto the ground. Rude: Oh shit, ok so maybe this thing is pretty strong. Cloud: Heh but it�s not good enough. Alright I want you guy�s to just try and distract it, hurt him as much as possible, and then the perfect time comes I�ll hit him with everything that I have. Got it? Rude and Reno: Got it!

Battle Time: Cloud: Alright, let�s do it! As Reno starts to run at Bahamut, the ghastly beast sees him coming and swipes at him just missing him. But the amount of air that followed Bahamut�s attack was enough to bring Reno down to his knees. Reno: Holy shit man. This thing is powerful, the wind itself brang me down. Rude: Done already are we? Reno: Hell no, just getting started. As Reno stands back up, he equips a special material onto him �Ability snatch� It allows him to take one of the enemy�s attacks and use. And Reno decided to take one of Bahamut�s worst attacks, �Impulse�. Reno: Alright then, let�s give this a try. Rude: Hey Cloud, lookout. Reno took Bahamut�s move impulse. This could cause a lot of damage to him, so now might be the time for you to attack once Reno has. I will try to back you up with a following attack from me. Got it! Cloud: Yeah sure. As Reno equips the material onto himself, he unleashes the mighty blow �Impulse� As it travels towards Bahamut he realizes that the attack could wipe him out or leave him extremely vulnerable. Because Impulse is not a homing attack Bahamut has plenty of time to run (The Chicken) as Impulse begins to travel over to Bahamut. Bahamut lifts into the air. Before he get�s a chance to fly, Cloud begins to run up behind Bahamut and he stabs him directly in the spine, basically paralyzing him in the spot. Rude: Shit, Cloud move, it will hit you as well. Cloud: Ah, I know. I�ll be fine, just a bit hurt after it. Rude: Shit, I�m coming. Rude begins to run after Cloud. The Impulse blast is traveling closer and closer towards Bahamut, and Cloud is still hanging onto Bahamut. Reno: Cloud Move, get off. Cloud: The blast won�t kill me. Reno: You don�t know that! MOVE NOW! Rude: I�m coming. Cloud: No stay there, you won�t get me in time. As the Impulse blast is just about to hit Bahamut and Cloud, Vincent comes along and quickly grabs Cloud and stops him from getting hit, as Vincent just grabs Cloud the blast hits Bahamut blowing Cloud and Vincent from the air right onto the ground. Cloud: Oh shit, thanks Vincent. Vincent: Go finish him. Rude: Heh, I got this one. Cloud: You? Rude: Heh, watch this! Rude jumps right up into the air and begins to summon some kind of monster, he does the ritual needed and the fiery beast Ifrit is summoned. Vincent: So you�re the holder of one of the Aeons? Rude: Of course. I�m not just a fighter. NOW IFRIT, GO FINISH OF BAHAMUT. As Ifrit gets ready to use his strongest attack Meteor. Bahamut flies up into the air and takes off with a huge gust of wind. Cloud: Ah Shit. Rude: No, we need that thing dead. Reno: Vinney, go get him. Vincent: Be back soon, oh and Reno. Once I get back you�re dead. Cloud: Just go and get him Vincent, meet you at the Orphanage. Vincent: Alright. As Vincent flies off after Bahamut Sin, Cloud and the others head off for the long walk towards the Orphanage.

Inside Town: Rude: Can�t you just ring Tifa to come and pick us up, it�s about a 2 mile walk from here to the Orphanage. Reno: You do realize that you could do with the exercise. Rude: Oi, it�s not like you can talk. Cloud: Ah guy�s, where here. Rude: What the, this is me and Reno�s place. Cloud: Yeah I know, I told Tifa to come and pick me and you guy�s up once Vincent gets to the Orphanage. Rude: I didn�t hear you ring her. Cloud: I rang her when you and Reno where have one of your daily argument�s. Reno: Oh. Well at least we don�t have to walk all the way. Rude: Heh yeah. Cloud: Anyway I�m just going to go and sharpen my swords. If you need me you know where I am. Reno: Sure do. Hey Rude, wanna go watch Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children. You love that movie that we created don�t you? Reno: I still can�t get over the point that I am in it. Rude: All that it is is us just capturing our adventures and then just editing it a bit. Reno: Yeah but still. Ya wanna watch it anyway? Rude: I think that I might pass. I have seen it way too many times, think that I might just go and have a small nap. Rude: Seeya later. Reno: Alrighty. Bye.

About 1 � hours later.

Main Room: Reno: Man I don�t care what anyone says, that movie gets better each time I see it. Vincent: It doesn�t get better, but it is good. As Vincent finishes his words, Reno gets an all and mighty scare. Reno: Holy Shit, how about next time you knock before just entering. Vincent: Hm, well I�m sorry for any inconvenience. Where�s Cloud and Rude? Reno: Well Cloud is just working on his weapons and Rude is having a small nap. Vincent: well go get em� I got something bad to tell ya�s. It�s about Loz and where he is hiding. But I also got some other bad news as well. Reno: Yeah alright. I�ll go get Rude, you get the other one. Vincent: Cloud just in the Basement? Reno: Nah he is just out the back. Reno walks into the Rude�s room. Reno: Hey Rude, Vincent is here. He reckons that he has some bad news to tell us. O_o. RUDE WAKE UP!! Rude wakes up. Rude: Oh shit sorry, was just resting my eyes. Reno: Yeah whatever, anyway c�mon let�s go.

Basement: Cloud sharpens his weapons. Vincent: Yo Cloud, I need to see you and the others in the main room. Got a bit of bad news to tell use. Cloud: Alright be there in a sec. Vincent: Alright.

Main Room: Vincent: Ok, where�s Rude? Rude: I�m coming, don�t rush me ok. Cloud: Don�t try and boss him around Rude, heh. Rude: Hehe. Anyway Vinney, what�s this news that you have to tell us about?? Vincent: Well for one don�t call me that, and two I found out where that Bahamut was going. He was going back to it�s base, where Loz was. But it wasn�t just Loz and that Bahamut. There was other Bahamut�s there as well. Rude: Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa, what do you mean other Bahamut�s?? Vincent: Well there wasn�t just one there. Reno: Well how many was there? Vincent: Well I could see 4. Cloud: Shit, that�s not good. If all 4 Bahamut�s attacked is then we would probably be gone. Reno: But that Bahamut that attacked us wasn�t ovally strong. A senile old man opens a door and enters the room. WCM: That�s because that was the weakest one. Reno: Oh hey, I didn�t know that you where here, thought you went out for a bit. WCM: I�m usually here Reno, you should know that. Cloud: What do you mean by �The weakest one� You mean there are stronger ones then that? WCM: Yes of course. The ones that you guys versed just earlier was the normal Bahamut. Then you have Zero Bahamut. He is a step up and by all means, a lot stronger then his original copy. Reno: What did people like build these killing machines, well creatures? WCM: Basically yes. Hojo made them. Cloud: Mm, it does sound like Hojo�s work. WCM: Yes. Anyway once he built the original one, he wasn�t happy. He did build a killing machine but he thought that he didn�t put as much work into it. So he decided to work on another one. Then once he had built that one. He still needed more power. So in the end he made 2 more of these creatures and named them the mythical beasts, Bahamut�s. Reno: So do you know what the names of the other two are? WCM: I was getting to that. After Zero then you have Bahamut Sin, another step up. He will truly be a battle. But your main threat will be Dark Bahamut. He will only be formed once all three of the other Bahamut�s come together. All three will unite to become the most powerful creature of all time, Dark Bahamut. If use wish to defeat him, then you must seriously begin to train. Cloud: What if we manage to kill one of the other Bahamut�s? Can he still be raised? WCM: If you manage to defeat one of the Bahamut�s then he should not be able to be summoned. But I do believe that there is suck a material and a item that is able to rise the dead. I do believe that you guys have a few? Cloud: We do but I don�t think that it works on Creatures? Rude: I don�t believe it does. Reno: Yeah but what about the material. Vincent: The material is able to raise anything, but the only bad thing about using it is when they are summoned once more they are still dead. But just on our land. WCM: Yes, that is correct. So even if you manage to kill them all but they summon them once more. You might even be able to use a phoenix down on the Bahamut, it might kill it faster. And once it has been summoned from the dead. And then killed again. It CAN NOT be raised again. Vincent: Well that�s all good, but what would be even better is if we can get out hands on that material. What type is it? WCM: It is the ancient Black Materia. Cloud: No way. The Black Material. Vincent: What happened to that thing again? WCM: Once it is used. The Black Materia is sent back to its ancient tomb waiting for someone to come and claim its power once more.

The front door opens. Loz: Very good old man. You know a lot. Vincent: Shit its Loz. Cloud, Reno, Rude and Vincent all draw out that weapons. Cloud: How do you know where our hideout is? Loz: Silly Vincent wasn�t looking who was following him. Vincent: Ah. How did you get here to fast? Yazoo: He had a bit of help from me. Cloud and Reno: Yazoo? Cloud: What the hell. We killed you. Yazoo: No you didn�t. When the battle with Sephiroth was over, I thought that my life would be over. Loz: But then that�s when I stepped in. You see, you guys did not kill me. I managed to drag Yazoo along with me until we got to safety. Cloud: Hm, well now it is time for your rein to end. Loz: I don�t think so. Oh and Old man. Thanks for telling us where the ancient Black Materia. WCM: You stay away from that. It is nothing that you need. Yazoo: Actually it is what we have been after for a while.

Prak
09-19-2006, 01:35 PM
Frankly, it's pathetic. I did not read any of it, but just glancing over it shows that the structure is awful. You have absolutely no idea how to write a short story, so attempting it just makes you look foolish. Then again, I would not expect any better of some unremarkable FFVII fanboy.

*Angel*
09-19-2006, 03:55 PM
Hmmm.
You can improve...
When people write short stories they tend to use " " marks for dialogue and when the scene changes they go to a new paragraph.
You also use only a dialogue perspective... (i dunno if you understand) but your story is all talk... maybe you should add action.

For example instead of saying Inside car: you could say something like :

Once inside the car Denzel turned to cloud and asked "just out of curiosity. What are you going to do?"

That way you could string together the story and make it more detailed and interesting. Also considering the fact that every sentence is together and there aren't paragraph space in between dialogue it gets kinda hard to read.
So maybe you could do something like:

Nanaki: Finally I�m out of that hell hole, if you ever have to put me back in there I will run away.
Marlene: Red, you�re back! I�m so glad to see you again.

Instead of stringing them together.

Hmm i dunno if you understand me but i hope it helped a little...
Don't be discouraged just try to improve =)
I'll be waiting for you're next installment.

Nightowl9910
09-19-2006, 07:15 PM
Not much need for me to comment on the sentence structure at this point as thats already been done, but I will say that when attempting to write such a fan fiction story as this that it would be a good idea to at least include the following:

a) An original storyline with a point

b) Proper use of punctuation and dialogue

c) Proper setting

d) Character actions which make a degree of sense in regards to the plot of the story.

Thats just my advice for improving this as a fan fiction story in terms of being interesting/entertaining which i'm guessing is your aim at this point.

However if you're serious about writing proper stories I would highly recommend doing some reading up on the subject or else taking a class as from what i can tell, there is alot that needs to be improved in the way that you write.

Magneto42
09-19-2006, 07:28 PM
You should add some new characters too, like done in ffx-2.
I didnt bother reading it so I dont really know if you did that or not, just judging from your list of chars there.