This is my storyline for a FF game, it's not finished

i'll put it in small writing so it wont take up aload of space (you can put it on word or something that you can enlarge it)

Final Fantasy Alpha

[Start Title FMV] Race is being chased by some town guard. They are just about to catch up to him when he activates Haste and speeds off into a cavern. Haste wears off and he gets surrounded by some scruffy looking characters. [Battle begins with two of the unknown people. This battle is easy to win by the player. Only �Attack� command is available]
Race gets captured and wakes up next to a big clump of ice. He can see a face within it. Race breaks free by a knife nearby and inspects the ice. Suddenly the ice starts to glow and its eyes open. Race steps back surprised. He hears a loud roar and spins around. When Race looks back to the ice it is replaced by Alias. They both hear roar again. Alias starts running towards the entrance so Race follows.
Alias: OH NO!
Race: What.
Alias: He�s back!
Camera speeds forward slightly to show a man flying in the distance. Background turns white the man turns black then title is shown. (See above) [End title FMV]

[Game resumes with Alias and Race heading towards a city.]
Race: Who is he?
Alias: I can�t remember. I just know that he is bad for everyone on this planet and we need to stop him.
Race: What do you mean you don�t remember?
[Alias starts running to the city. Camera looks forward and shows a city. �Thornton city� text appears in the middle of the screen.]
Thornton city
Alias and Race walk into a street. Alias pulls something out of his pocket.
Alias: I hope it works.
Race: What�s that?
Alias: It�s my GPS, but I just call it my map.
Race: How does it work?
[A box appears with instructions of how to use the map]
Dummies guide to the map
The map is one of the most useful pieces of equipment
In Final Fantasy Alpha it shows were you need to go.
It is possible to turn off the map but is not recommended
If you know the area or you want to find the objective yourself.
Where there is no objective, you may have to find it yourself.
Alias: Right, I�ll set for the weapon shop.
[Map pops up with the weapon shop marked on it.]

[Player has free roam of the city, only the weapon shop and the item shop are accessible. Story resumes when the player reaches the weapon shop]

[Alias and Race walk to different sides of the shop. Camera zooms in to
Alias as the shop keeper approaches him]
Shopkeeper: Can I help you?
[Shop contents window opens. On the top left it has 4 different weapon names with little symbols of the type of weapon next to them. On the bottom left it has the stats of the character showing increases and decreases in his/her stats. On the top right a picture of the character that the weapon is for and at the bottom right a picture of the weapon alone.]
Shopkeeper: Since I have only just opened I�ll let you have one for free.
[All of the prices drop to 0 until one is purchased, the weapons each have an element attached to them. (Fire, Ice, Thunder and Lightning) They also have Strength+5 attached.]
Shopkeeper: Please come back soon.
[A Man and Woman walk in and the man points a gun at the shopkeeper.]
Man: Don�t move or you�ll wake up with a headache. (To the Woman) Hurry up and grab a weapon.
[She looks around and then looks at Alias�s new sword]
Woman: I�ll have that!
[She tries to take the sword off Alias but he effortlessly resists]
Woman: Hey, little help here.
[Battle starts between Alias and Race against the man and woman. When half of the opponents Hp is depleted they run away but party still gets EXP and AP.]
Race: Looks like the local gang has a new member.
[They hear a woman scream from out side]
Race: I bet that�s them.
[Race and Alias run outside and see Barrik (Main bad guy) floating. Barrik is casting various magic around. Alias and Race make they�re way towards Barrik. Barrik stops to face them.]
Barrik (Shown as???): Ah Alias, it seems we have awoken from that dreadful slumber. Are you going to step in my way again?
Alias: What are you going to do?
Barrik: Start the �Revolution�.
[Screen flashes white. [Flashback FMV starts] Screen shows a big castle that glows a dark purple color. Screen looks inside were we see Barrik sat on a throne. A younger looking Alias comes running on to the screen with his sword drawn. Screen flashes white again.]
Young Alias: Why did you have to do that? I�d finally persuaded them to keep out of this mess.
[The screen flashes white again]
Alias: I guess there�s no reaching you.
[Alias goes to attack Barrik. Screen flashes white [End FMV] Play resumes back at the town]
Barrik: It seems I don�t need to build a castle, there�s one here waiting for me.
[Barrik fly�s off into the distance]
Alias: Castle? (He turns to Race) Where�s the nearest castle?
Race: The Kings. The other side of town.
Alias: We�ll need a way of getting there.
[Race runs down a side street and comes back with two Chocobos]
Alias: Finally a familiar sight.

[Alias and Race mount the Chocobos and ride off the screen. Screen turns black for 3sec. Screen shows some castle gates. Alias and Race run on to the screen]
Alias: Hope chocobos can still fly.
Race: Only with a run-up.
[Race and Alias (on chocobos) take a few steps back then run towards the gates and start flying, both flying through an open window were they dismount the chocobos.]
Alias: I�ll have to get used to that.
Race: We have to find the king.
[Player takes control there is only one exit. The next room is a corridor there are 7 different doors (bottom left of which the player came through) top-left, top right, top-centre, far right, bottom-left, bottom- right and bottom centre. Each of the rooms contains a chest with items except far right which contains a new female character, Lenna, who is being attacked by some monsters. Alias and Race run into the room. One of the monsters attacks her.]
Lenna: Ahh, help me please.
[Race ruses in to help, Alias rushes in as well
Player faces 6 rounds of monsters but Lenna joins on the 6th]
Lenna (in battle): Do you need some help.
[After battle Alias and Race both look over to Lenna then Alias runs towards the other door]
Lenna: Hey!
[Race turns to Alias]
Race: You can�t just run of like that.
[Alias turns back]
Alias: What?
Race: Don�t you know who this is?
Alias: Course not.
[Alias runs through the open door, Race and Lenna follow]
Race: Hey wait up.
Lenna: What�s wrong with him?
[Alias falls to the ground and the screen flashes, the game you enter the battle screen with just Alias (without his weapon) there is a vague picture of Barrik flashing.]
Barrik: So you truly do not remember the past. Maybe you will if you see�this.
[Barrik shows Alias a glowing sword, the screen flashes and the scenery changes around them]
Alias: This. This is my sword.
[Unknown to Alias a monster is approaching him. The battle sequence starts. Alias is using the sword that Barrik showed him. Alias automatically attacks causing 99999 damage.]
Alias: How long will you torture me Barrik?

not as small as i thought

The only thing weaker than your abominable writing is the power of my fan. My lack of sleep is now your problem. Learn to actually write properly before coming back here. Your sentences are rushed, your ideas are derivative, and you in general have no idea how to put together a cinematic nor prosaic piece. I hope to god that you never get the chance to write anything other than billboard posters, or scripts like these, except with knives into your face.

it's supposed to be a script, actions are short and to the point
if you dont have any thing positive to say dont say any thing at all

Anyone who uses that "if you can't say anything positive" line should be immediately banned, IMO. If you post something, you're not just posting it for positive feedback. You're also inviting people to rip it to shreds, along with your personal dignity. If you can't deal with that, don't post it.

But in your case, your ideas are so terrible and your writing is so pathetic that you shouldn't be posting anything in the first place.

Wow, and I thought I was a brutal critic. I didn't even read the story, when I saw Final Fantasy Alpha I knew it'd make my shit smell like roses.

I used to go to the Final Fantasy Alpha forums

I used to go to the Final Fantasy Alpha forums
me2

it's supposed to be a script, actions are short and to the point
if you dont have any thing positive to say dont say any thing at all
Someone didn't read what I wrote. At all. If you want nice happy lovely posts saying how great your awful post was, go to some other site.

if you dont have any thing positive to say dont say any thing at all

:notgood:

Stop fucking with him, rude peoples.

Stop fucking with the rude people, retarded person.

Whatever, homie.

The only thing weaker than your abominable writing is the power of my fan. My lack of sleep is now your problem. Learn to actually write properly before coming back here. Your sentences are rushed, your ideas are derivative, and you in general have no idea how to put together a cinematic nor prosaic piece. I hope to god that you never get the chance to write anything other than billboard posters, or scripts like these, except with knives into your face.

wow, quite harsh. although, i didn't even read the whole thing. i read the first paragraph and immediently said it sucked.


Wow, and I thought I was a brutal critic. I didn't even read the story, when I saw Final Fantasy Alpha I knew it'd make my shit smell like roses.

hahahahahahahahahaha, funny. yes, final fantasy alpha IS a crappy name.


Stop fucking with him, rude peoples.

if you are going to insult people, use the correct form of people.


Whatever, homie.

don't ever say homie again. EVER.

Fucking homie.

What is wrong with saying homie?

wow, quite harsh. although, i didn't even read the whole thing. i read the first paragraph and immediently said it sucked.Excuse me, fuck off, your writing is about five times worse than this guy's. And his is pretty bad.

What is wrong with saying homie?
nothing, it's just that he's probably a white boy sitting at home trying to be black.


Excuse me, fuck off, your writing is about five times worse than this guy's. And his is pretty bad.
hahahahahahahahahaha, well you haven't read my writing, just my plot. you are saying my plot sucks(which i admit, could use some revising), not my actual writing.

nothing, it's just that he's probably a white boy sitting at home trying to be black.

Amazing how you came to that conclusion from him saying something not gangster at all.

Amazing how you came to that conclusion from him saying something not gangster at all.
....i gues it's not that gangster, but still...most of the time, only white boys pretending to be black say home.(at least, in my experiences, that's how it is). also, it's not just the "homie" thing, it's just the way he acts.

This whole thread is fucking retarded.

i've never actually been to any alpha forum

hahahahahahahahahaha, well you haven't read my writing, just my plot. you are saying my plot sucks(which i admit, could use some revising), not my actual writing.
I bet you can't prove me wrong.

I bet you can't prove me wrong.
ok, i will, but before i do...........what is your problem? are you always this mean, or is it just that you hate me or something?

I hate people who proport themselves to be good writers, but in reality put absolutely no effort into their craft.

I hate people who proport themselves to be good writers, but in reality put absolutely no effort into their craft.
I NEVER SAID I WAS A GOOD WRITER!!!!! i just posted my stories and stuff, but i never said that i was an awesome writer. i probably do suck. and, who are you to criticize? let's see some of your writing.

and, who are you to criticize? let's see some of your writing.

Don't go there. You don't want to go there.

Indeed. He will oblige and you'll look like a real jackass.

Don't go there. You don't want to go there.

Indeed. He will oblige and you'll look like a real jackass.

lol, really? ok then, ignore the post where i challenged you, mrmonkeyman!!!

It's a good thing you told him to ignore that post, because if you gave up after reading just two lines from Espanha and Prak, I get scared to see what would have happened to you had you read 3+ lines from Mrmonkeyman.

well, i�ve learned to heed the advice of others....especially someone like Prak. i have a friend like him, and i�ve learned my lesson...........many a time

Eh. My writing's on here somewhere. It's not that awesome, but it's better than your shit. I'm certainly not going to look for it.

This thread is just a bunch of pathetic, weak, shit. Don't you people ever get bored with this? If not, Damn, you're all pathetic...

Yes, yes you are very cool.

Cool got nuthin to do with it. If they are just gonna sit around fucking about some guy's story, they are quite the dickheads. If a story sucks, just say that it sucks and be done with it. Don't fuck around whining!

Shut up please. You're shitting up the thread (not to mention any other thread you post in) more than any crappy story.

Eh. My writing's on here somewhere. It's not that awesome, but it's better than your shit. I'm certainly not going to look for it.

You know, mrmonkeyman, always when I have seen you throwing shit after peoples stories in this forum, I have thought "Well let's see your god damned writing, asshole." Now I have seen your writing. I must say, I have newfound respect for you. It is better than most of the stuff I've read on the Shrine. That might also be because most of the guys who post their stories here (including me) pretty much suck. Still, I take back every word I have ever said in anger against you.

Still, I take back every word I have ever said in anger against you.

Because you were angry and you weren't thinking or because you were responding angrily to his comments (and is therefore apologizing for no reason)?

Uhm, a little here, a little there. Mostly the first.

you'll take back what you've said against me 2 when I post my story. It's a killer..

Thanks for telling us in advance.