Im writing a fanfic based on Yugioh. It is set when they are in collage. The main character is a girl called Riku. She is 19 nearly 20, 5'6, pale skin, wavy brown hair that's just pass her shoulders (when the sun shines on it you see it has a red look to it), her eyes are a sapphire blue and they look sad and lonely.

Ok I just need some ideas on how to do a lovey sence, she has fallen in love with Seto Kaiba. This is what I have so far.


Bakura looks over at Riku who is cuddled into Kaiba and he can't help but smile, he says
"This is going to take awhile. Why don't you go out? I'll call you when we find something."
Kaiba looks down at Riku
"Want to get out of here?"
Riku smiles and nod a yes.
She gets into Kaiba's car (you can choose) and drive off.
"Where are we going?" she asks
"Its a surprise."
Kaiba drives through the country side. Kaiba pulls over and gives her a blind fold.
She looks at him confused.
"Please?" He begs.
She smiles and puts it on. He continues driving. He drives for other 15 minutes then he stops the car. she cant see anything so she listens.
~ Is that the ocean I hear? ~
Kaiba helps Riku out of the car and leads her up lots of steps.
"Seto where are we?" she asks.
"You'll see."

After climbing lots of steps, Kaiba steps behind her and takes off the blind fold. She lets out a gasp in amazement.
Riku and Kaiba are standing on top of a lighthouse that is on a cliff looking out over the ocean. The moon as just started to rise and it looks like its coming out of the sea.
"Seto its so beautiful."
"Hmmm...." He just holds Riku in his arms.
"Riku I wanted to... to ask you something?"
She turns in his arms so she is facing him. She smiles at him so he goes on.
"Riku would you please be my girlfriend?"
He cups her face in his hand, looking at her with love and fear in his eyes. Fear that she might say no. Riku closes her eyes and put her hands on his, slowly she opens her eyes saying.
"Yes."
She looks back into his eyes to see only love. His face comes down to hers, his lips gently caress hers, she kisses him back, his tongue runs over her bottom lip asking for entrance, Riku opens her mouth a little and let him slip in. His hands expertly sliding along the small of her back holding her to him. She wrap her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss even more, one of her hands slides through his hair.

After awhile they break for air, she rest her head against his.
"Riku I love you." He whispers.
"I love you too Seto."
She gives him a light gently kiss on the lips. Before he could act Riku's cell phone goes off. He gives a sigh of disappointment.
She checks the ID.
"Its Bakura." She says.
Riku talks to Bakura for a bit, she hangs up and look back at Kaiba.
"They found something in that book."

man thats really REALLY good,

Awesome!!!!

Nice work Shadow. I dont have anything to change about it.

Im writing a fanfic based on Yugioh. It is set when they are in collage.


I stopped reading after that.

*sigh*

I'm not even going to bother giving constructive criticism this time because she has completely ignored the things we've told her in the past, showing that she does not care in the slightest about improving. Frankly, this is atrocious. The punctuation (or lack thereof) is unforgivable. Word usage is juvenile at best. Sentence structure is far too basic. Description is nonexistent. And only complete amateurs do fan-fiction anyway.

nice real nice

I'm not even going to bother giving constructive criticism this time because she has completely ignored the things we've told her in the past, showing that she does not care in the slightest about improving. Frankly, this is atrocious. The punctuation (or lack thereof) is unforgivable. Word usage is juvenile at best. Sentence structure is far too basic. Description is nonexistent. And only complete amateurs do fan-fiction anyway.

Ok Im sorry. I did try. I wont put up anymore work. I swear. That way you dont have to get mad or mean.

Leave her alone Prak! >:O

I think that was a great story.

Don't you listen to Prak, he's just being like another Simon!

Leave her alone Prak! >:O

Make me.


I think that was a great story.

Your thinking skills could use a lot more practice.


Don't you listen to Prak, he's just being like another Simon!

I don't know who you're talking about, but I like him already.

Simon Cowell?

Make me.



Your thinking skills could use a lot more practice.



I don't know who you're talking about, but I like him already.

So you wanna act smart huh? Well here's something smart that you can say.

" I NEED BRAINS! I CAN'T SAY THE RIGHT THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE'S WORK!"

Was that a pitiful excuse for an insult or merely random stupidity?

...at least he tried, Prak. Some ppl arent even willing to do that

Was that a pitiful excuse for an insult or merely random stupidity?

If it's a talk fight you want, than BRING IT! >:O

It's not exactly a fair fight. I can't consider it a real battle of wits as long as you remain unarmed. However, if you really think your words are strong enough to do anything more than make me laugh, go ahead and try it.

Back of Prak.
Her story was great.
Besides, I'll bet you coudn't do better.

Hahahahaha

I could do (and have done) better than that in my sleep! It wasn't great at all (In fact, it would be a stretch just to call it poor) and I already said exactly why.

Back of Prak.
Her story was great.
Besides, I'll bet you coudn't do better.
I'll correct you.
Back "off" Prak.
Her story wasnt tha great. It did contain "YUGIOH" after all.
The last one is ok as it is. One question, can you do better, Warheit?

Whether something is good or bad is not determined by whether its detractors can do better or not, FYI.

Hahahahaha

I could do (and have done) better than that in my sleep! It wasn't great at all (In fact, it would be a stretch just to call it poor) and I already said exactly why.

I like to see you TRY to make a good fan-fic (if you can), Prak the RAT! >:O

I'll correct you.
Back "off" Prak.
Her story wasnt tha great. It did contain "YUGIOH" after all.
The last one is ok as it is. One question, can you do better, Warheit?


No. And I'm not trying to say that I can. Shewey!

I don't do fan-fiction. I am above such amateurish levels. I invent stories and characters. I do not mimic existing ones.

Alright than, just TRY to make up your OWN story! >:O

I like to see you TRY to make a good fan-fic (if you can), Prak the RAT! >:O
I laughed when i saw Prak the RAT! Where did rat come from, what does it even have to do with the current situation? I mean, it doesnt even rhyme...

Alright than, just TRY to make up your OWN story! >:O

How ignorant. I've written several short stories and am currently writing a book.

You don't have to be so judgemental over other people's fan-fic's. They just do so to admire the anime(s) they enjoyed during their lives, with some form of spin-off.

You don't have to be so judgemental over other people's fan-fic's. They just do so to admire the anime(s) they enjoyed during their lives, with some form of spin-off.
Criticism and comments are constructive. Without them, you will never get better.

I'm judgemental over the writing, not the subject matter. I don't care if people want to write fan-fiction, but I do get very offended when I give out advice to someone, only to have it ignored.

I don't do fan-fiction. I am above such amateurish levels. I invent stories and characters. I do not mimic existing ones.

What's the matter Prak.(**I do not mimic existing ones.**).
You said that you could even better one in your sleep. Why suddenly changed your mind?

I said I can, not will. Pay attention!

What's the matter Prak.(**I do not mimic existing ones.**).
You said that you could even better one in your sleep. Why suddenly changed your mind?

I wonder...

I wonder...

About what?

About what Prak said.

Hey Prak! If you can, DO IT!

You realize you've just invited utter disaster, I hope. Fine, I'll indulge you. And I'll even commit the near-unthinkable atrocity of writing a *shudder* fanfic. Just saying it makes me feel dirty.

Welcome to MY world. ^_^

Hahahahaha

I could do (and have done) better than that in my sleep! It wasn't great at all (In fact, it would be a stretch just to call it poor) and I already said exactly why.
man your just like chewey both of you are not nice at all

i'll like to see you do better then that Prak oh wait you can't you don't know how to
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________

Shadow Wolf you can do whatever you wan't, Prak or chewey can't tell you what you can do and what you can't do

VICTORY!

man your just like chewey both of you are not nice at all

i'll like to see you do better then that Prak oh wait you can't you don't know how to
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________

Shadow Wolf you can do whatever you wan't, Prak or chewey can't tell you what you can do and what you can't do
Firstly, we arent mean. We are just correct.
Second, this, "i'll like to see you do better then that Prak oh wait you can't you don't know how to" sounds like a 5 year old said it.
Third, since when does want have an apostrephe in it?

Firstly, we arent mean. We are just correct.
Second, this, "i'll like to see you do better then that Prak oh wait you can't you don't know how to" sounds like a 5 year old said it.
Third, since when does want have an apostrephe in it?
your being mean right now

I'll point you back to point one.

I'll point you back to point one.
whetever

Firstly, we arent mean. We are just correct.
Second, this, "i'll like to see you do better then that Prak oh wait you can't you don't know how to" sounds like a 5 year old said it.
Third, since when does want have an apostrephe in it?

What's with you Chewey? I thought we were buds?

Nobody's perfect you know.

What's with you Chewey? I thought we were buds?

Nobody's perfect you know.
Im not trying to make anybody perfect.

What's with you Chewey? I thought we were buds?

Nobody's perfect you know.
Sayu i really don't think you should talk to him anymore he's very mean

Its either i be mean, and at least fit into a small section here. Or be nice and be an outcast.

To be fair I found prak to be one of the most fair critics on here. He does have an acid tongue but when questioned will always back up his points and offer advice. You can't ask for more than that. If you don't like it then you really shouldn't post. I'm not going to comment on the fan-fic because I don't know the subject matter to start with. Between prak and Terry-Kun? Hun? I believe I was able to re-vamp the first chapter of my story (the re-working of which I will post in due time). Stop taking things to heart. If a guy on a forum winds you up then you should reconsider if writing stories is for you...I'm sure a bad review in The Times would crush you.

Chewey is in a bad mood today. That's all =)

To be fair I found prak to be one of the most fair critics on here. He does have an acid tongue but when questioned will always back up his points and offer advice. You can't ask for more than that. If you don't like it then you really shouldn't post. I'm not going to comment on the fan-fic because I don't know the subject matter to start with. Between prak and Terry-Kun? Hun? I believe I was able to re-vamp the first chapter of my story (the re-working of which I will post in due time). Stop taking things to heart. If a guy on a forum winds you up then you should reconsider if writing stories is for you...I'm sure a bad review in The Times would crush you.
*CLAPS!*
That was excellent. At least you understand

Its either i be mean, and at least fit into a small section here. Or be nice and be an outcast.
even if you be nice, its not like your going to be nice forever maybe a day or 2, but not forever to bad -_-

To be fair I found prak to be one of the most fair critics on here. He does have an acid tongue but when questioned will always back up his points and offer advice. You can't ask for more than that. If you don't like it then you really shouldn't post. I'm not going to comment on the fan-fic because I don't know the subject matter to start with. Between prak and Terry-Kun? Hun? I believe I was able to re-vamp the first chapter of my story (the re-working of which I will post in due time). Stop taking things to heart. If a guy on a forum winds you up then you should reconsider if writing stories is for you...I'm sure a bad review in The Times would crush you.

Sometimes you have to think how one feels when being critzied. Some people are kinda sentive to stuff like that. I'm not saying the bad guy is Prak or Chewey, I'm just trying to say that, be judgemental, but tell that person you tried your best and help them (if they need it).

Chewey is in a bad mood today. That's all =)
I think its more then just a bad mood

I think its more then just a bad mood
do you think before you post? Coz, that made no sense. If you want to know though, im having my period, and i am suffering from PMS.

Come on you guys. Look at the thread and its author again.
Shadow Wolf is still new here. She made a thread, shared her fan-fic with us.
And look, Prak comes, starts insulting.

Anyway, I just wanted to say - thanks for shearing your work Shadow Wolf.

Actually, shadow wolf is Sephiroths Bride. She has been here longer than I have

To bad no one told me.

Do you pay attention to what anyone says, warheit, or do you just post to see your own username in print? Yes, I was scathing. I was scathing because I've given advice on how she could improve her writing before, but she ignored it and continued writing the same crappy drivel. It was a waste of my time to try to help and I highly resent that.

Final Fantasy 8 Rocks, you are a moron. Plain and simple. You are an absolute fool to say I don't know how to write. You can look at my grammar and tell that I know how to construct sentences properly and punctuate accordingly. Also, you are going to be badly humiliated when I post the *shudder* fanfic I have been goaded into writing. I am going to rub it in until you go away or die; whichever comes first.

This is the best way to spend a friday afternoon. Sod work this is great! Chewey is your profile correct when it states you were born in 89? If so wouldn't make you the best critic to be fair...judging age over talent there of course. PMS is a bitch. My gf is a 5 star pillock when PMSing.

What? I didnt quite get that...

I'm just making the point that you clapped to my post and claimed I understood what you are trying to do when you lay your critical smack down on sum1's work. My point is when you are considerably younger than some of the people are you sure you know what you are doing? (this isn't a jobe at you just a question btw!).

What does my age have to do with anything? If they are older than me, does that make them immediately superior?

Nope it doesn't but would you like a ten year old to read something of yours and tear it to pieces? You can't be long out of school so I'd finish study at a much higher level before you continue dishing out criticisms that are impossible for you justify. In short just be careful who you offer your criticisms to out of respect even if you think you can do a better job. I'm not saying here celebrate every piece of shit someone posts but don't be as ignorant as them.

Nope it doesn't but would you like a ten year old to read something of yours and tear it to pieces? You can't be long out of school so I'd finish study at a much higher level before you continue dishing out criticisms that are impossible for you justify. In short just be careful who you offer your criticisms to out of respect even if you think you can do a better job. I'm not saying here celebrate every piece of shit someone posts but don't be as ignorant as them.
10 year old is a horrible example. Of course not. But i think my brain is pretty functional at my age. Do i need to be a higher age to judge a fanfic? Lol, i dont think so. This is just mindless crap you have pulled out of your arse.

I wasn't trying to have a go but my point was age is important. Often more important than anyone under 18 will ever admit to themselves. Until you hit 18 you can't possibly attend enough school, read enough books or learn enough techniques to be good enough to be a serious writer let alone judge others (many of which may have more experience than you). Anyways forget it...I wasn't trying to start a fight it seems my point was misunderstood or misplaced. I think I might stop posting here...between you and Milkman (the worlds biggest fucking idiot) I've gathered picking a fight is all most people are interested in. If I offended you I am sorry. I reckon leaving it there is for the best.

It's done. I hope you're happy. You people have driven me to cobble together that which I despise: fan-fiction. Just know that I do not feel this endeavor is worthy of a second draft and that I'll be spending all day in the shower because writing it made me feel so dirty.

I'm sorry, but someone please close this thread. It's just too hard to explain the simple things to a person.

I enjoyed this thread, i will miss it much