I'm not a technically strong writer, which is why I stick to writing nonsense poems and limit all of my storytelling to comics. Anyways, I took a fiction writing class to see how I would fare if I did, and this was the first thing I came up with. Any kind of criticism will be appreciated:


William Beckerson Attempts to Give High Fives to Strangers, With Varying Degrees of Success.

After having delivered what he thought to be the �best zinger ever!� William Beckerson raised his arm triumphantly and stared at his friends with a terribly huge grin, waiting. However, there was no response from them other than a few smirks and light laughter. They weren�t laughing at his zinger either, as it was fairly poor. No, they were laughing at him and his stupid obsession with attempting to give high fives during any opportunity where it seemed even marginally appropriate. It had become a bit of a running joke for his friends who refused to give him high fives no matter what the circumstances, and they would also chide him mercilessly with such grand witticisms as: �Boy, going for the high five again, huh? Yeah, good luck with that, idiot!�, �Why don�tcha� why don�tcha do something worthy of giving a high five before raising your hand up, stupid!� A very intelligent bunch they were, and old Will was fortunate to be friends with them.

He was also a bit on the quiet side and kept to himself, so without any reciprocity from his friends, he rarely found a chance to give high fives. Now, when he thought about it, he didn�t have any sort of obsession with high fives. It was just something he would try to do, occasionally, in the rare event that an opportunity presented itself. Even then, he thought, he would only bother to do it if he felt like it, and he figured he felt like it probably ten to fifteen percent of the time. Considering all of that, he surmised that he would go for a high five about as often as the average bloke. Hell, maybe even slightly less than that. After all, five to ten percent was pretty low percentage. Everyone else was probably around twenty to thirty percent. Maybe even as high as fifty! Yeah, half of the time other people were presented with a high five opportunity, they would go for it. Not hard to believe, considering that he saw other people giving high fives to each other all of the time.

Of course, it never really dawned on him that the excessive amount of thought that he gave to high fives alone was enough to prove that he had a bit of a pre-occupation with them, and in the back of his mind a strong urge was welling up. He figured (and this is in the back of his mind, now, all subconscious-like) that if he simply stuck to trying to give high fives to his friends and the few other acquaintances he had, all of whom had taken to ignoring him for quite some time, he would never have an opportunity to give anyone a high five again. And so, one night, he came to the conclusion that he would seek out high fives from strangers, and recorded here for you are some of the attempts that he made the following day. I�m sure everyone will be pleased by these stories, as in all my life I have never come across a topic so rife with interest as one man�s attempts to give high fives to others.


William Beckerson Attempts to Give a High Five to a Waitress who Understands the Merits of Curious Breakfast Toppings.


Now breakfast happened to be William Beckerson�s favorite meal of the day, but he started work very early, so he rarely had time for it. He also wasn�t much of a cook, so whenever he made his own on his days off, it was less than satisfactory. Because of this, every once in a while, he would wake up extra early before work so that he could stop at one of the alliteratively titled breakfast restaurants: Pancake Patio, Omelette Office, Egg Eatery, Bacon Bistro, etc. Today, he was stopping by the Hashbrown Hut. It was just a local place, as, for whatever reason, gourmet hashbrowns never quite took off. It was a decent enough establishment though, and like most breakfast houses that hype one product in their title (like say� IHOP) also had a decent sized assortment of other dishes. So William ended up ordering a steak omelette. Also, IHOP thinks that omelettes should be stuffed with potato instead of cheese, so don�t ever get one from them.

After some time, his food arrived, and he asked the waitress if he could have some mayonnaise.

�Mayonnaise?� she asked.

�That�s right,� he responded, smiling, while putting the butter for his toast and some ketchup on top of his omelette. The waitress came back moments later with the mayo, and after thanking her for it, he immediately began spreading it into the butter and ketchup.

�Quite the eclectic mix you�ve got there,� said the waitress, observing his activity.

William smiled and whipped his mixture into a fine paste.
�Yeah, most people think it�s strange,� he replied, �But an omelette just isn�t an omelette unless it�s topped with butter, ketchup and mayonnaise. Or, that�s what I think anyways.�

�Strange? Oh ho ho ho,� she laughed, �I don�t think it�s strange. In fact, I just so happen to think the same thing as you! It just ain�t an omelette if�n it doesn�t have the butter, ketchup and mayonnaise on top. I tried to tell the boss that we should have mayonnaise as a standard side topping for omelettes, but he just looked at me funny.�

�Well, you know how it is,� said William while furrowing his brow, �Some people just don�t understand the pleasures of really good food. All that we can do is feel sorry for them.�

�Too true, too true,� replied the waitress. Then they sorta looked at each other smiling for a few seconds, and just as the she was about to mention that she ought to get back to work, William got the conversation going again.

�Hey, let me ask you something,� he started. �Which order do you put the toppings on in?�

�Oh, well let me think about that just a sec,� she said while getting into her �I am currently in deep thought� pose, which involved putting her index finger on her forehead and sort of wiggling it around. �Well, it�s gotta be the butter first, cus� you need to have that melt on the omelette, o�course and� well, the ketchup comes next. You gotta put the mayo on last so that it remains as cool as possible. Ain�t nothing worse than warm mayo.�

�That�s right! That�s right!� shouted William, pounding the table once in an embarrassing display. �There was this one time where someone saw me put the toppings on and mentioned that he happened to like his omelettes the same way, but when I saw him make his, he put the mayonnaise on first, and the butter last! I mean, come on! The butter doesn�t even melt when you put it on like that! I mean, he said that he liked his omelettes the same way as I do, but I� I don�t remember saying that I liked my omelettes with cold butter and warm mayonnaise!�

�No sir, you certainly didn�t. Now if you�ll excu�� started the waitress, but William wasn�t quite done talking yet.

He pressed right on, saying, �Say, what�s your name, miss? Nina? Is it Nina? Your nametag says Nina. It has been a pleasure to meet you Nina. Your taste in omelette toppings,� and here he raised his arm proudly to give her a high five, �Really really rocks!�

�Yes, um, well, thank you,� replied Nina, and she quickly excused herself and went back to work. William Beckerson just sat there for a moment, arm still extended, and stared at her as she walked away. While eating his food, he noticed the omelette wasn�t as good as he was used to. No doubt that it was the fault of that stupid waitress�s poor service. He ignored her when she came by later to see �if everything was ok�, and as he was walking out of the establishment after finishing his meal, he made sure to glare at her very fiercely from the door. She didn�t notice.


William Beckerson Attempts to Give a High Five to a Young Boy Whom He Has Shown the Finer Techniques of Riding a Bicycle.

William Beckerson sat on a park bench, chili dog in hand. He was on his lunch break, and relaxing in the park during lunch was one of his favorite things to do. Especially with the fine chili dogs he always picked up from a local vendor: Jaime, the Chili Dog King! Now, omelettes aside, the toppings William chose for his chili dogs were rather plain. Besides chili and cheese, he�d just get some jalapenos and relish. The relish was fairly unique though, as he couldn�t find anything with quite the same taste in the local supermarket. He sure did search for it though, boy!

Anyways, he sat there in the park leisurely enjoying his chili dog when he happened to notice a young boy riding around on a bicycle in the square. Well, trying to ride anyways, as the poor young fellow kept falling over.

�Hah,� muttered William to himself, as he watched the boy, �What a stupid child.�

The stupid child attempted to ride the bike some more, and fell some more, and William had a few more laughs at his expense.
William finished up his chili dog and took a look at his watch. He had another thirty minutes before he had to get back to work. Just to pass the time, he decided to go help the kid out. He found the kid on the ground, picking his bike back up.

�Hey, there, having a little trouble, are you?� He asked smiling. The kid just glared at him and started to pick the bike up. William pushed him away lightly and then picked the bike up for him. He glanced around the square and noticed that no one seemed to be there to watch the boy. He took this to be another sign of the gradual decline of society. Then he hopped on the bike and said to the boy, �you�re not going to improve any if you don�t understand the basic techniques involved in riding a bike. There�s no point in jumping on if you�re going to just wobble around and fall off seconds later. You have to give yourself a good launch, and then get the pedals going quickly to keep the speed up, which will help you stay balanced.�

And with that, William pushed off and rode around the square pretty quickly, before stopping right in front of the boy. �See?� He said proudly, as he pushed the bike back to the child. The kid rather dumbfoundedly took the bike back. He had been frozen until that point, wondering if William was planning to steal his bike, but not knowing quite how to react.

�Now you try.� He was prodded. So he got on the bike, pushed off, and rode for a few seconds before the bike started wobbling again. However, William chased him down from behind and stopped him before he could fall. �Not quite good enough,� he said. �Here, let me give you a hand.� And so William braced himself and pushed with all of his might, launching the kid forward. Then he immediately began to give chase. The kid stayed up for a considerably longer amount of time and seemed to get the hang of keeping the bike going, somewhat. However, he couldn�t quite control the bike and headed straight for a tree. Thankfully, good old William was there behind him to save the day once again.

�Not bad, not bad, feel like you�re getting the hang of it now, am I right?� asked William as he patted the kid on the back proudly. The kid smiled sheepishly. He was happy to have stayed riding for as long as he did, but was still wondering about the strange man that was helping him.

They headed back to the square. William gave the boy a little more help, and the kid gradually improved. He rode around the square in unsure circles, and William looked on approvingly, checking his watch occasionally. After some time, he said to the boy, �Well, I�ve got to get back to work now, but you�ve improved a lot.� The boy smiled at him, and William walked over to him, put out his hand at the level of his chest so that the kid could reach it, and said �high five.� The boy grinned and smacked his hand, and then they separated.
As he began his walk back to work, William heard a voice calling out to him from behind.

�What is it?� he asked.

�So, uh, you gave that kid a high five, huh?� said the stranger. A tall, skinny
fellow with long hair.

�That�s right!� shot back William, happily.

�Haha, high five, huh? More like a low five, hahaha!� laughed the stranger, before walking away.

William thought the joke was in very poor taste. Instead of going back to work, William decided to shadow the young fellow. Apparently the guy was on his way home, and he eventually turned into a street that appeared to be empty. At that moment, William dashed in from behind and struck the man hard against the back of the head, knocking him to the ground. The fellow never knew what hit him. William knew though. It was a brick!


William Beckerson Attempts to Give High Fives to Hip Youth at the Local Rental Cinema, to Recognize Their Fine Taste in Movies.

That night, William decided to rent some movies before heading home. He didn�t like to boast, but he happened to think that he had the best taste in movies in the world and anyone that didn�t like the ones that he did was an idiot.

After arriving at the rental place, he waved happily to the employees he recognized and began to casually browse through the store�s selection of films. He liked to see which of his favorite movies were still popular. He thought that he could get a pretty good idea of that based on how many copies happened to be available on the random days he would show up. He noticed that during his last few visits, nobody was renting copies of the Last Samurai. Seems like no one was interested in gripping Japanese period pieces with very realistic stories, deep characters and genuinely enchanting visuals that speak to your soul. He shook his head sadly and continued to browse.
A few minutes later some college kids entered the store. They were three boys in similar clothing. William noted that their pants seemed to have too many pockets. The boys were rather loud. After wandering around for a few minutes, they settled in the aisle behind William. He overhead their conversation, because he liked to eavesdrop.

�Hey, hey, look at this,� said one of the boys. �Best movie ever.� He was holding up a copy of Boondock Saints. William smiled. He was quite the fan of Boondock Saints.

�Man, that movie was wicked awesome,� said another one of them, �But nowhere near the best movie ever. This title takes that role.� And he held up a copy of Kill Bill, volumes one and two.

�Eh, that was ok,� said the last boy, whose pants had the normal amount of pockets. �I didn�t really like volume two. The ending was just ridiculous. That move she used was so silly, completely ruined the movie for me. After all of the very realistic and believable fight scenes and events that took place in that movie, they expected us to suspend our disbelief for that? No way, man. Completely ruined the movie.�

�Yeah, definitely,� said the boy holding Boondock Saints. �Plus there was all that boring dialogue. But the first movie was awesome.� They all agreed with that and talked about all of the awesome moments in the first movie. Like the Pussy Wagon. If a more hilarious title for an automobile existed, they surely did not know of it!

William listened intently. He didn�t think the second Kill Bill was all that bad, but it was certainly a step down from the first. He thought that they had pretty good taste overall though, and continued to listen in. The conversation had moved on to Fight Club, which they all hailed as a masterpiece of contemporary cinema. One of them mentioned that he had read the book and really appreciated the anti-commercialism message that it had. Then the conversation shifted to discussion of the Fight Club movie and Fight Club video game.

�Hey, you know what movie we�re forgetting, right? That blows all other movies away?� asked the kid with the pants that had a normal amount of pockets.

�What?�

�Donnie Darko.� And the other two boys became quiet, before agreeing with him wholeheartedly.

William Beckerson was moved by the mentioning of the film, as it was one of his personal favorites. He turned around to the boys and said, �Hey, I couldn�t
help but overhear your conversation, but I have to say, you guys have� wicked taste in movies. I love Donnie Darko.� Always glad to be complimented, the boys smiled and thanked him, and then he continued. �There are a lot of really crap movies out there, so it�s great to see something like Donnie Darko that really breaks the mold. It�s really subtle, yet very complex. It seems simple, but there�s a lot of stuff hidden in it that probably goes over most people�s heads.�

�Yeah,� said one of the boys. �Like the time travel and stuff.�

�Right, right!� shouted William, and raising his hand up, he said �Anyways, it�s just pretty awesome running into people with such great taste in movies. High five!� One of them was going to give him one too, but he saw the movies that William had in his hand.

�What�s that?� he asked.

�Ah, it�s the Matrix trilogy! I thought I�d give them another watch.� replied William, arm still extended hopefully.

�Ah,� said the boy, laughing. The other boys laughed too and then they walked away. William just stood there for a moment. He watched the boys walk away and put the movies back on the rack. Then he browsed for a few more minutes, before going back to get the Matrix films he put down.


William Beckerson Reflects on the Days Events Before Getting to Sleep.
The popcorn was a little burnt he thought, but it wasn�t too bad. He shook some salt over it and started the first film. He sat comfortably on his beanbag and thought about the events that took place earlier in the day.

Regarding the waitress at the Hashbrown Hut:

What a rude woman. He figured that she probably forgot the order that she usually put the toppings on and thus gave the correct order accidentally. He hoped she would be fired soon.
Regarding the young boy on the bicycle, and the stranger:

He seemed like a good kid all around! William wondered if he had gotten complete control over the bike after they parted. He also wondered whether he would get into any trouble for what he did to the stranger. He didn�t think about that too much though, as the stupid long hair got what he deserved.

Regarding the boys in the rental store:

Fuck them, he thought. The Matrix rocks. He began to watch the first movie and fell asleep halfway through the second.

As I said before, a work of pure hilarity. And I guess you've already had all my comments about it. But I enjoyed reading it again!

Yeah, I did.

A lot of people in class didn't like it! They were in shock when they read that William hit the man in the head with a brick, and they wondered why the rest of the story wasn't about the cops chasing him down, or about him having a mental breakdown after realizing what he had done. No "crisis event", no culmination to a climax, build up, lesson, point... etc etc...

...someone, through the most confused interpretation ever, thought that story may have been an 10 page jab at the matrix. Also, this line:

"He overhead their conversation, because he liked to eavesdrop."

was crossed out by the teacher. Deemed unnecessary.

and someone said my tone in the rental chapter could be mistaken for sarcastic!

and the teacher mentioned the diction again! But this time he called it "19th or 18th century diction" instead of archaic.

I fared very poorly. B+.

B+ isn't "very poorly!" It's just not excelling.

And that "unnecessary" line is possibly the funniest part of the entire piece. =\

Yes, that line reminded me of Douglas Adams.

I thought it was a rib-tickling good read, and would like to read more of your work, if such work exists.

I also wonder how badly I spelled "tickling."

That was actually hilarious.

rezo, artists are never appreciated - and you sir, are an artist of literary wit.

I pray you continue on your venture!

Thanks. I probably won't continue though, as I don't have much time for story writing(because of comics... which is close enough, I guess?)



I thought it was a rib-tickling good read, and would like to read more of your work, if such work exists.

I don't really have anything else. For the second story in the class, I made an extended version of an old poem I wrote, because I was pressed for time.(I signed on to do my two stories before most of the class had even done their first =\)

that was really funny, and really well written, so hooray for you

I hate it when the class doesnt like good pieces of work. That is what heppens when the class studies symbolism all 4 years of their high school life and can't pull the penises out of their asses.

Hah sheer brilliance rezo. Well done.