Vorn: Devourer of Worlds
01-24-2002, 12:28 AM
When I found out that I could put non-fanfic stuff in this forum, I immediately thought of this story. It is my best creation ever, seeing as it's the only one I have finished in a long time :D. Anyway, enjoy!
Toaster!!
Thump...thump...thump. Ignatius Mechanotronic wakes to hear a noise similar to a sledgehammer hitting the ceiling. However, it is only a spoon hitting his temples, a part of an alarm clock of his own devising. Rising against his own will, he is surprised to see that his TV is on. More surprising is the fact that 'Jeopardy!' is on. Seeing no reason to actually get up off the couch, he watches the rest of the show and then gets up. In his half-dazed state, walking down the stairs proves to be quite a challenge, and he falls down half of them, waking him up. Limping over to the freezer, Ignatius pulls out his favorite breakfast food, steak-flavored frozen waffles, and crams them into his toaster. He hauls out his gigantic concrete waffle-eating slab out of the attic. Getting ready for his morning meal, he drags out his harpoon and authentic Claymore, along with his suit of plate mail. Wearing his armor to the kitchen, he smells smoke. "I don't smoke. Someone must have broken in and is smoking a very fine Cuban cigar," he mumbles through the slot in his helmet. Little did he know that his breakfast had burst into a gigantic fireball.
"Oh my God! My toaster! NO!" he screams while simultaneously bursting into tears.
Not worrying about the threat of his house burning down, he hurtles down the stairs, hitting the void at the bottom with considerable force. He picks himself up off the nothingness and walks over to his desk, constructed completely out of cottage cheese, ranting,"I'll show Infernal Mechinations how to make a toaster." Thinking hard enough to make Einstein jealous, he decides to invent a substance that repels heat to use in his miracle toaster. All of a sudden, a rip in the space-time continuum creates itself right there in his basement, and through this impossibility comes a quarter-ton of the substance he was going to invent.
"All right, just what I needed," he says, not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
So, walking over to what used to be an empty space in his basement, he bumps or, rather, rams into a programmable assembly line that had appeared out of thin air for some inexplicable reason. Plugging in all of the steps into the internal Improbability processor, the assembly line components reshape themselves to meet the needs of this new product. He feeds the material into the machine and it goes to work in a swift and silent manner. That done, he trudges upstairs, takes off his armor, and takes his still-burning toaster and chucks it out his front window into a passing garbage truck.
Half an hour later, he shambles back downstairs to see how the mass production is going. A blinding red display on the machine says, 'Out of Material' and next to it sits eight thousand of these toasters. He proceeds to have a mild heart attack out of surprise. After recovering from his cardiac catastrophe, he crams all of the toasters into a titanic carboard box, covers it in duct tape, and covers it in stamps. Trying to get out his front door, he destroys the front portion of his house. He then wheels in a massive catapult through the hole, puts the box on it, and launches it in the direction of the Infernal Mechinations plant, taking out a few office buildings on the way.
As the CEO of Infernal mecinations looks over the newly arrived package, he calls for a large quantity of C4 to open it. His underlings bring back eighty-four pounds of the stuff. Using all of it, they blast a decent-sized in the side. Seeing what is inside, the CEO makes a very executive decision to distribute all of the toasters to his employees for testing. The employees go home, delighted to use their new toy, and immediately plug in the toaster and drop in some bread and press the button. Watching the go to work, everything seems to going fine, then BAM!! the toaster explodes from internal heat, eviscerating everyone in the room. Upon hearing of this, the CEO presses criminal charges against, one, Ignatius Mechanotronic and they go to court.
During the trial, the only piece of evidence, the return address on the box that the lethal toasters arrived in is used against Ignatius. Ignatius contests that he had no idea that the toasters wuld explode and wind up killing 7,623 people. Still, the jury, consisting mainly of highly intelligent cows, after being out for seventeen hours due to the fact that they went out for lunch, finds Ignatius guilty. He is then sentenced to be thrown into a four-foot deep pit for fifty years, subsisting on nothing but toast. After this legal battle, the owners of the office buildings press charges and Ignatius goes to court once again. This time he wins by reasoning that no one cares about office buildings and gets four years taken off of his sentence. So he is thrown into the pit.
In the pit, Ignatius is miserable. All he has is toast and everyone on the planet hates him. Some of the people make fun of him as they walk by. When he can't take it anymore, he bashes hs brains I with with multitudes of toast.
That's It!!
That's actually how the thing ends. I thought 'The End' was overdone.
Toaster!!
Thump...thump...thump. Ignatius Mechanotronic wakes to hear a noise similar to a sledgehammer hitting the ceiling. However, it is only a spoon hitting his temples, a part of an alarm clock of his own devising. Rising against his own will, he is surprised to see that his TV is on. More surprising is the fact that 'Jeopardy!' is on. Seeing no reason to actually get up off the couch, he watches the rest of the show and then gets up. In his half-dazed state, walking down the stairs proves to be quite a challenge, and he falls down half of them, waking him up. Limping over to the freezer, Ignatius pulls out his favorite breakfast food, steak-flavored frozen waffles, and crams them into his toaster. He hauls out his gigantic concrete waffle-eating slab out of the attic. Getting ready for his morning meal, he drags out his harpoon and authentic Claymore, along with his suit of plate mail. Wearing his armor to the kitchen, he smells smoke. "I don't smoke. Someone must have broken in and is smoking a very fine Cuban cigar," he mumbles through the slot in his helmet. Little did he know that his breakfast had burst into a gigantic fireball.
"Oh my God! My toaster! NO!" he screams while simultaneously bursting into tears.
Not worrying about the threat of his house burning down, he hurtles down the stairs, hitting the void at the bottom with considerable force. He picks himself up off the nothingness and walks over to his desk, constructed completely out of cottage cheese, ranting,"I'll show Infernal Mechinations how to make a toaster." Thinking hard enough to make Einstein jealous, he decides to invent a substance that repels heat to use in his miracle toaster. All of a sudden, a rip in the space-time continuum creates itself right there in his basement, and through this impossibility comes a quarter-ton of the substance he was going to invent.
"All right, just what I needed," he says, not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
So, walking over to what used to be an empty space in his basement, he bumps or, rather, rams into a programmable assembly line that had appeared out of thin air for some inexplicable reason. Plugging in all of the steps into the internal Improbability processor, the assembly line components reshape themselves to meet the needs of this new product. He feeds the material into the machine and it goes to work in a swift and silent manner. That done, he trudges upstairs, takes off his armor, and takes his still-burning toaster and chucks it out his front window into a passing garbage truck.
Half an hour later, he shambles back downstairs to see how the mass production is going. A blinding red display on the machine says, 'Out of Material' and next to it sits eight thousand of these toasters. He proceeds to have a mild heart attack out of surprise. After recovering from his cardiac catastrophe, he crams all of the toasters into a titanic carboard box, covers it in duct tape, and covers it in stamps. Trying to get out his front door, he destroys the front portion of his house. He then wheels in a massive catapult through the hole, puts the box on it, and launches it in the direction of the Infernal Mechinations plant, taking out a few office buildings on the way.
As the CEO of Infernal mecinations looks over the newly arrived package, he calls for a large quantity of C4 to open it. His underlings bring back eighty-four pounds of the stuff. Using all of it, they blast a decent-sized in the side. Seeing what is inside, the CEO makes a very executive decision to distribute all of the toasters to his employees for testing. The employees go home, delighted to use their new toy, and immediately plug in the toaster and drop in some bread and press the button. Watching the go to work, everything seems to going fine, then BAM!! the toaster explodes from internal heat, eviscerating everyone in the room. Upon hearing of this, the CEO presses criminal charges against, one, Ignatius Mechanotronic and they go to court.
During the trial, the only piece of evidence, the return address on the box that the lethal toasters arrived in is used against Ignatius. Ignatius contests that he had no idea that the toasters wuld explode and wind up killing 7,623 people. Still, the jury, consisting mainly of highly intelligent cows, after being out for seventeen hours due to the fact that they went out for lunch, finds Ignatius guilty. He is then sentenced to be thrown into a four-foot deep pit for fifty years, subsisting on nothing but toast. After this legal battle, the owners of the office buildings press charges and Ignatius goes to court once again. This time he wins by reasoning that no one cares about office buildings and gets four years taken off of his sentence. So he is thrown into the pit.
In the pit, Ignatius is miserable. All he has is toast and everyone on the planet hates him. Some of the people make fun of him as they walk by. When he can't take it anymore, he bashes hs brains I with with multitudes of toast.
That's It!!
That's actually how the thing ends. I thought 'The End' was overdone.