Hi.
This is a preveiw for a story based on Star Wars i'm working on. It'll be in story format and not script.
I want to know what you guys think of the preview before I decide to get started.

Well, enjoy this "Trailer" if you will.


Star Wars: The Wandering Force
Book One: The Planet of Omnipotence

A Force using bounty hunter...

A man on no side of the law...

A bounty placed...

A secret discovered...

An unstoppable adversary...


A young ex-apprentice named Jak Zaden has been pondering about his path in the force. He ran away from Luke Skywalker's academy in the dead of night to figure out the true path he should take. Armed with a silver-bladed lightsaber, he has became a bounty hunter to gain his credits. One day he is employed by an anonymous group to capture a man named Neka Das. He is sucsesful, but his captive reveals the reason he is being hunted. Das tells Zaden about a planet that has never shown up on any scanner or radar. Das says the creatures that inhabit the planet knew he was there. Zaden must now figure out the mysteries of this planet Das speaks of. However, because of his delayed delivery of Das, a bounty has been placed on his own head. Now he must find the planet and evade numerous attempts at being blown to space dust by an almost immortal bounty hunter. Can Jak Zaden reach the location of the planet before they both die trying? Zaden's adventure begins here...


Yeah, it's a little thingie. I want to know opinions on this before I write it, just to know if I shouldn't bother. If you wish to find out more, tell me to write it. More will be explained then.

Originally posted by Lightning Mage
He is sucsesful, but his captive reveals his deadly secret. Zaden must now figure out the mysteries of this planet Das speaks of.

That's one minor flaw that I see. It jumps to a completely different thing with no explination. I see no connections between his deadly secret and the mysteries of the planet he speaks of. Also deadly secret comes out too abruptly to my likings, seems like more could be added, like one or two words or some thing, just before it to make it more mysterious and not just blurted out. And you can't tell if it's Zaden's or Das' secret too well, except now that i've read it a few times it sounds more like Das'. Anyways, over all it sounds good and i say you should work on it.

Ok, you're right. I changed it a little.

Sounds cool but what is the mystery planet? Is it Kameeno??? Hehe that would be cool if it was cause what ever happened to them are they still around?

Pretty cool so far. But it was a bit strange that it jumped from one thing to another abrubtly. Ya know, He's told of a strange planet then straight away he's on a mission to figure it out. It'll most likely play across much better in the actual story tho. good work nonetheless.

Hey, Landlord, your a Star Wars nut too, right? Why not try something of your own?

The mystery planet is not Kamino. It's a planet I made up, so you'll never find it in a Star Wars encyclopedia.
Everything will work out. I would be able to make sense of it for you, but it may ruin a little of the plot for you.
But this is a little part of it. Jak wants to go to the planet to set things straight and to get the bounty hunter off his back. There will be a shit load more to it though.

Lightning Mage, this sounds good so far. Kudos for inventing a new planet, and not just doing the old "OMG THIS PLANET WAS IN EP2" thing.

Luke has to feature somewhere in the story - meeting up with his ex-apprentice after years of separation, and seeing an experienced veteran. Maybe even as one of Zaden's 'hits'?

One little thing - naming him Jak. Could be a plus, could be a flaw - if people start comparing him to Jak of Naughty Dog fame, it could undermine your story.

Well, I'm used to naming characters Jak. Actually, I totally forgot Jak is the name of that dude from Jak and Daxter. Luke will appear for sure in another book. Jak will have to return to the academy for one reason or another. I won't tell.