A short poem I wrote.

I know it’s shit, but I’m doing it as a favour to two people……

Let’s have a little fun.
Your young, so I know you won’t talk.
You can try to tell mummy and daddy,
But that will never work.
I’ll be your friend when your all alone.
And I’ll always be on your mind.
I know you won’t forget me.
Or you would never of cried all those nights.

This is a serious poem, please don’t joke about it.

There you go eskinerge and SnR4eva.

It`s shit, i`ll give ya that much.

Yo you write a beter one then mr. elivis killed himself by eating too much pork! I have my own oppinon and its touching, really captures what it feels like to be alone with only memorys to comfort you. Dont give up Redbat!:)

Yo you write a beter one then mr. elivis killed himself by eating too much pork! I have my own oppinon and its touching, really captures what it feels like to be alone with only memorys to comfort you. Dont give up Redbat!:)

hahaha

(just to take that stupid message)

I don’t think it’s bad It’s better than all the poems I wrote and I’ll be looking forward to read more of your poems ^_^

really captures what it feels like to be alone with only memorys to comfort you.

but the memories aren’t comforting at all. 🙁

I know, I feel the same. But if you look back at them and think, i am gonna better myself i am gonna win and realize, like i said before, what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.:) Tidus66 I though tidus was a hero and helped people, not put them down.

It evoked the emotion clear enough, but, there’s no substance to it, nor is there anything remotely memorable here. Yeah, I’m sure it comes from the heart, but there’s no beauty in the writing itself… There’s no imagery to grasp on to…

you can take something like this and make it a lot better, and a lot more poignant…

Mabye some people dont want to express to much about thier past, because they are affraid that people are gonna slag them off for it………
I like the poem! 😉

It’s not about expressing more, it’s about expressing it so it hits home, and hits an audience. I never asked for details, I asked for a bit of eloquence.

There you are my little protege
My downtrodden youthful other
They are oblivious aren’t they?
No concern for you, my brother,
I promise, you are not alone
I know you know it deep inside,
I’m far away, but you remember me,
Or you wouldn’t have cried all those nights.

I just threw that together in ten minutes, so it isn’t fantastic or anything, but something like that would read much more interesting, while still evoking the same raw emotion…

With poetry, it’s not about saying, "oh gee, this is good", just to be all soft and friendly. The point is, you can always make something better. You can always make something more polished…

Im being soft and friendly but also I like it because it reminds me of my first 6 years of life in a fosterhome………….. And I know your only trying to help him but he really has done some exellent work before but I understand why he doesnt post them on this site. Some things are just for your own eyes only(sorry if I offended you krelian.) and im not a poet, im a musican(i just like to write stuff on how I feel, it makes me feel better.), so I act on emotion.

Either or, tis just advice…

When you write poetry, make each sentence a metaphor, so no one knows the fuck what you’re talking about, but they can’t say its shit coz they don’t know what it means. =)

When you write poetry, make each sentence a metaphor, so no one knows the fuck what you’re talking about, but they can’t say its shit coz they don’t know what it means. =)

Oh, they can still say it’s shit.

Trust me, they can and will. And they will be right.

How about this

The egg in the frying pan
like the mercury and the sun
sizzling the clear innocence away
while still having fun

Basically it’s talking about how people change, like a rite of passage. ^^ Even i don’t understand it HAHAHAHHAHA

well at least it rhymes

okay i willl shut up now.