criticise my shitty erotica for lolz

Thread 52477

srs constructive crit only

ps crit must include marc is great at the end

That was anti-climatic…

Marc is great at the end.

Let me just say this:

That was totally fucking awesome.

She pushed me to the ground and slid my penis into her as if sliding a bullet into the chamber of a Barrett M82 Special Application Scoped Rifle.

My favorite part ^___^

no rly guys

tell me how i could write better

Take a creative writing course.

no =\

pretend you are a balloon

Misty, wow.

Here were a few lines that kinda made me lol and ill tell you why after the quotes.

I kissed my way down her neck and across her breasts paying particular attention to her nipples which bore a startling resemblance to the controls of a spaceship.

"I want you inside me" she said through quiet moans akin to the hum of a computers CPU so I kissed my way up her stomach and back across her breasts.

We started to make out again as she took my clothes off. She pushed me to the ground and slid my penis into her as if sliding a bullet into the chamber of a Barrett M82 Special Application Scoped Rifle.

I began to thrust in and out and after several minutes I withdrew. My penis slid out spooging everywhere like fire from the base of a rocket taking off from a launch site.

You see the analogies there? NOT NEEDED. You could just explain in a better sense than "Like the hum of a CPU." or "Like a bullet sliding into a gun".

Either way, it was just too hilarious. Thanks.

Those detailed analogies make it, but you already know that.

Needs more of something…

Making me the antagonist would have made it a much better read.