Things Final Fantasy Villans would NEVER say

Youse thought I couldn’t tops it… But I did! Now I want ppl to make any FF villan say anything they would never say! Now, There can be different vllans talking with others! It can be OUTTA CONTEXT! (P.S. It hasta be FUNNY and WRONG!!!) (P.P.S. Sex jokes are approved)

Kefka: I will put aside my evil laugh and my ominous 16 bit villan theme music (not to mention my kick ass powers) to save the rainforest!

Dark Valefore (to Light Valefore): I hate you! I keep getting pulled over by the Aeon police because I am black!

Sephiroth to Cloud: I wish I knew how to quit you!

sephiroth: fine i will be your memory.

Chaos: Ohai!

Sephiroth: You know Mother, I have had enough of you bossing me around! Here’s what I think of you! (Kills Jenova)

Kefka: "I’m actually more into Beethoven myself."

Shuyin: Fuck you Lenne. I died for you and you still won’t sleep with me. I bet your snatch smells like a sewer blew up.
Vegnagun can give me all the sexual satisfaction I need and all I have to do is play music to turn it on.

Yeah, I’m bored.

Sephiroth: Mwahaha! I am the greatest villain ever!
Cloud: Then why don’t you have a pipe organ?
Sephiroth: *Explodes*

Sephiroth: "Fuck me Cloud, do it now behind the Shinra Corporate Office, while no one is looking!"

Like I said, sex jokes are approved, Sephiroth: Come on Aeris, Lets elope while Cloud ain’t looking

Cloud: yo why is your hair likke that?
Sephiroth: you don’t like it then I shall enslave you!!
Cloud: you would look good with ponytails
Sephiroth: you think so. what about a french plait?

oh hell whatever I’ll do this too

Sephiroth: Cloud
Cloud: Yes?
Sephiroth: I hate you. Let’s have sex!!!!

Clouds: Turks….Shin-Ra’s personal lackeys.
Tseng: You got it.
Tifa: What do they do?
Cloud: Beneath their calm demeanor…espionage, kidnappings and assassinations. Did I leave anything out?
Tseng: We bake pastries now too! Would you care for a muffin?

Sephiroth: Mwahaha! I am the greatest villain ever!
Cloud: Then why don’t you have a pipe organ?
Sephiroth: *Explodes*

Epic lulz!

Kuja: hmm… what to do with the prisoners?
Brahne: We should chop their heads off!
Kuja: N N NO,no,no! ….I…I hate blood!

Agent, please copy this into a better thread 😀

Oh also,

Ex-Death: "I’m so pretty, and witty, and gay! I also like kitties!"

Psycheietrists: Well… can you tell me what bothers you?
Kuja: Yes, I’m a clone!
Psycheietrists: hmm.. is that a common joke lately?

Kuja: My kingdom! My kingdom for a more comfortable pair of underwear!

Kefka: I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.

Ex-Death: So..will someone water me? We trees need attention to grow.

Ex-Death: So..will someone water me? We trees need attention to grow.

that’s classic

Sephiroth: so you where in a coffin alone for 30 years How did you get by
Vincent: my claw his a vibrate setting.
Sephiroth: Really……Mother could use that

Kefka: Today, we will see how powerful Villans really are. Here is Ex-Death…he is only as powerful as a Tree! Bring out the gasoline please! Then there is Sephiroth. Sure he has killed ppl, but, what good are rocks falling out of the sky for! Sephiroth:Don’t taunt me like that! EUUAGGGH! *Cuts himself with Masemune!* Kefka: *cough*emo*cough*

Sephiroth when he fought cloud in the final battle scene

‘ I fight better without a shirt…… ‘

(in case you guys didnt know, seph wasn’t wearing a shirt at the last fight, always wondered why."

hmm….? i thought this thread died.. oh well.

Kuja: WTF, am i waiting for Zidane, I’ll destroy the world now.
*Destroys world*

Kuja: i think i’ll wear pants for once.
Brahne: why!? i love your thong thingy.
Kuja: i wanna be a normal man/genome for once, Gosh, i wonder what thats like?
Brahne: i Won’t have it, i love you as you are. (brahne now jumps at kuja lying on the bed)
Kuja: AHHHHHHHHH!! (Splat!)

Sephiroth: Oh, I have, such a long hair…
Kuja: Pitiful. I bet you yearn to touch mine. It’s silky!
Ultimecia: Boys, boys… That was never, ever even an issue. Look at my beautiful horn-like hairstyle. I have make it a whole eternity…..
Everyone:…
Everyone:…
Everyone:…
Everyone: Seymour!!!

Kuja: LOL. Ultimecia’s Horny. LOL
Sephiroth: Like, Whatever.

Ultros: Hey kiddies! Can’t touch this!

Sephiroth to cloud: your the man now dog

Cloud: Hey get a haircut hippie
Sephiroth: you first
Cloud: Hey I stick my hand in the toaster to look this way…Damn toast
Sephiroth:Toaster foolish mortal
Cloud: Well at least I wear a shirt, you so don’t look good without a shirt what are you gay?
Sephiroth:…..I look sexy without a shirt on you bitch *Slaps Cloud*

I’ll think of something better soon all I can get for now

Blacksmith: Hello. Can I help you?
Sephiroth: Um, yeah. Can you shorten my sword?
Blacksmith: No. For the sake of the fan-service.
Sephiroth: *flips over*

Sephiroth vs. a fangirl

Sephiroth: I’ll defeat you! *Fangirl screams and attacks him*
Sephiroth KO

FANGIRL WINS! X_X

Sephiroth: I finally took your advice and started taking Prozac

Sephiroth: Cloud im sorry i killed your girlfriend, burned your town and tried to smash a giant rock into the planet…
Cloud: Its ok because in about 5 seconds you are going to die the bitchiest death of all time..
Sephiroth: o well….
runs away in terror

Kefka: "Go go gadget boots!"

Kefka: Damn, where’s my schizophrenia medicine when I need it…
Kefka’s inner voices: Shut up and rape those Espers already you gosh-darned !@#$!

-Tidus: So Lulu… how about we ditch titless wonder back there and I will summon an aeon inside you.

-Locke: We don’t care what you are Terra, you’re our comrade first! Wait… are you Jewish?

-Cloud: STOP BUYING MY GAMES YOU IGNORANT FANBOYS.

EDIT: I just realized none of these are villains. However, I still win.

villain: "i am gay"

Aeris: Wow, another thread that DE GRAND FREAK would be happy that it still lives, just like how fanboys/girls want me to live… let me die in peace…:(

Sephiroth: I feel your pain………

villain: "let’s do it on the crater"

Sephiroth: Swords are for sissies.
Kuja: Yeah, *spits* that’s why I don’t have one.
Kefka: You guys are insane. They should lock you up somewhere.

Chibi Sephiroth to chibi Cloud/Tifa: I’m gonna destroy you all. I’ll make you best friends with the maggots. I’m gonna kill kill kill and you’re gonna die die die.
Jenova: *yelling* Sephyyy. Didn’t I tell you not to scare other children *slaps*.
Chibi Sephiroth: Sorry mom *sniff*. I’ll be a good boy from now on *crosses fingers*.

The poetry board said it best:

Any FF Villian: I’ll fuck you with a rake.

Zeromus: My emo is supreme! That is why I am the stronger!

villain: "let’s do it on the crater"

Crater style sounds hawt

"Need a moment, chew it over with jerky."

khalbrae nice avatar…

Cid: Want a airship? GO MAKE ONE YOURSELF!

I don’t care if he isn’t a villian, I still love him <3

Any FF7 villian to Barret: WELL THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR PROBLEM N*GGAAAAAAAA

Kefka: Guards! Detain that floating pink-haired woman and put her in the Imperial Mental Institution! She has clearly lost her mind!

Vayne: Why does no one like me?
Me: Cause you’re a stupid fagtard, that’s why.

villain: cloud put it in this hole

Sephiroth: "This sword’s gettin’ kinda, uh, kinda heavy."

Ultimecia: "Curse all SeeDs."

Kuja: "Look how pretty my awesome tail is!" *waggles tail*

Seymour: "Can someone just, like, fuckin’ send me already?"

Sephiroth: Issues? Freud would have a field day with me.

Sephiroth: Lance Bass? Lance BASS does my voice over for Kingdom Hearts? What the fuck!

Cloud: I SUMMON SORA!

Sephiroth sits in a corner, sucking his thumb screaming "Lance BASS!!!"

Sephiroth is defeated by a gay N’Sync member

Sephiroth (Due to the fact that he kinda looks like a Village Person): It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

–

EDIT: I just realized none of these are villains. However, I still win.

……….

……….

I thought you were like banned forever or something.

I thought you were like banned forever or something.

?_? Who told you that? I am one of those Infamous Forum ppl that never die

Venat: I’m bored. See you guys, I’m going home.

The topic seems dominated by very few of villains >_>

Fujin: "Using full sentences is actually very entertaining and fun, don’t you think Raijin?"
Raijin: "TRUTH!"

Seifer: "Zell is sooo coool! I actually like him so very much".

Ultimecia: "Why won’t anybody love me?"

Seifer: "Wow, I never thought about it that way. You’re right, let’s be best friends!"

Raijin: "Man, that Seifer is a jackass, ya know?"
Fujin: "AFFIRMATIVE."

Garland: "Damn rag-tag bands of teenagers. Always foiling my plans."

Yunalesca: "You know… instead of going through all the effort of fighting me, why didn’t you just have Yuna send me at the beginning of the fight?"

Kuja: "Ok guys… I wanted to tell you all… I’m gay!"
*crickets chirping*
Zidane: "… Oh, I’m sorry. We should be acting surprised, shouldn’t we?"

Wow, I must be really bored.

Vincent: *rocking back and forth as he transforms into chaos* im not crazy, im telling you im not.

Cloud: ok, who gave Vincent the Hyper? *looks at everyone else

*Cait Sith laughing to itself* Cait sith: i didn’t do it.

kage Bushin No Jitsu

Seymour: does this outfit make me look fat?
Yuna and tidus: no no at all……… makes you look gay though

Kuja: Time to hit the gym!

sephiroth: whats all this nonsense im hearing about kuja, seymour and ultimecias hair, everyone knows my haircut is phenomenal, im FABULOUS 😛

Cloud: *crying* Sephiroth you’re so mean to me.

Sephiroth: Not as mean as your mom in bed.

ohhhh nice 🙂 wolf your so bad 😛

Cloud: *crying* Sephiroth your so mean to me.

Sephiroth: Not as mean as your mom in bed.
Don’t you mean, "You’re so mean to me"? Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense and would be even less humorous.

Don’t you mean, "You’re so mean to me"? Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense and would be even less humorous.

:grammar:

Fix’d this for ya, bro <3

Fix’d this for ya, bro <3

Thanks. It’s my job as Rappin School to rap as I teach.

grammar time ha brilliant 🙂

We have the best set of emoticons on the internet. Fo shizzle.

Sorry guy’s my grammer and spelling aren’t sharp.

Sephiroth and Kuja are out grocery shopping. They walk through the aisle that has condom’s in it and stop staring with wide eyes.

Kuja: …. They come in sizes?!
Sephiroth: …. They come in flavours?!

kadaj to cloud: my sword has two blades so its better than yours na na na na na

kadaj to cloud: my sword has two blades so its better than yours na na na na na

Cloud: So is your mom.

Kadji: Oh no you didn’t.

Kuja: How can I save the world when i’m beeing harrased by an old man?

Ultimecia: What about all MY complicated efforts?

Kuja: Hey that pair of pants looks pretty good. I think i’ll go buy it. Maybe a pair of boxers while i’m in there too…

Ultimecia: I need a new watch. I keep showing up late at my "Be the master of all time" meetings…

Seymour: Do you think I use a little too much hair gel?
Tidus: Naw man, it looks fine…

Sephiroth: Yo cloud!
Cloud: What do you want?
Sephiroth: I want to kill you by strangling you with my hair!
Cloud: Dude that’s not cool… Just use your Masamune to stab me.
Sephiroth: See the thing is, I just realised that it’s longer than my hair, and i don’t like it anymore. Mind if i just use Meteor?
Cloud: I guess that works too.

Kefka: "I’m sorry, everyone. I really am. Please forgive me!"

Oh, and also;

Sephiroth: "All I really want is my mommy :("

Golbez: "Why am I doing this?"

Exdeath: "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" (Seeing as he’s a giant tree and all)

Jecht: "I love you, son." (I know he’s not the villain but my father is just like him so I can relate to Tidus!)

Seymour: "The truth is . . . I’m just self-conscious about my hair 🙁 Everybody makes fun of me!"

Kuja: "Zidane, you never told me you loved me too!"

Emperor from FFII: "I have a name, ya know!"

*during the torture session in FF8*
Seifer: So Squall, I demand you tell me what the purpose of SeeD is!
Squall: We were created with the sole purpose of killing the Sorceress.
Seifer: Say wha? But that’s our Matron.
Squall: Matron? From..the Orphanage?
Seifer: Yep. And she’s Cid’s wife.
Squall: Well damn…. I guess this means the whole me being Laguna’s son plot twist isn’t really needed at all.
SeifeR: Indeed it is not. In fact, why are we saying any of these things now?
Squall: The orignal writer was fired and repalced with someoen with talent.
Seifer: Ah, I see. Well that’s awesome. Perhaps now I shall finally get the epic villain dialogue I deserve.
Squall: … So I’m waiting.
Seifer:

Chicken-wuss. Oh goddammit. Just fry his ass!

The TRUE ending to FFVII… in a warped kinda way…

Sephiroth – Come now Cloud… let’s put aside our giant phallic weapons, and settle this like real men.
Cloud – Arm wrestling?
Sephiroth – No
Cloud – Boxing?
Sephiroth – Nope
Cloud – Hurling magic up each other’s asses?
Sephiroth – Hmm.. tempting, but no
Cloud – Wait.. you don’t mean?
Sephiroth – Yes, the only way TRUE MEN can settle things!
(Hands Cloud a large mug of beer)
Cloud – We get stone drunk, then beat the crap out of anyone who looks at us cross eyed?
Sephiroth – Exactly! Now drink up bitch.

Celes: I’m gay
Terra: Took you long enogh…. Meet me upstairs in 5?

Sin: Shit! All I wanted to do was give you a hug!

Larsa: Are you sure this has a chocolate center?
Vayne: Yes now shut up and suck it bitch!

Warriors of Light: That’s right, mr. police officer, we found him trying to destroy the universe! *warriors unmask chaos*

Garland: And I would’ve done it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddlin’ kids!

Sephiroth: Oh shit! I just stabbed myself in the eye with my eyeliner!

Kuja – So you see Zidane, you will never win, with such outdated and so… old moves… You need splendid and eloquent moves to beat one such as I, for everything must be beautiful!
Zidane – Kuja… A: You are not Zhang He from Dynasty Warriors and B: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is NOT recruiting more presenters!
Kuja – But… but… I am sooooooo gorgeous darling…

Seymour: And now I shall direct all my energies into a devastating final attack to destroy Yuna, who I’ve just been toying with this whole time!

Seymour: Look Yuna i don’t really like you anymore… LuLu has got the ‘assets’ that I prefer. -walks off- LuLu, wan’t to play with my Anima?

Kuja: I miss that elephant lady. =\

Biggs and Wedge (FFVIII)

Biggs: Sh1t! It’s those damn kids again! Bring out the tank!
Wedge: Yes, sir! *squish* Sir? Crap.

Genesis: Do you think me reading the same lines out of a gay poetry book is annoying?
Sephiroth + Angeal at same time: NO!
Genesis: Just checking

Shadowlord (FFXIO) – GRRRRAAAGGGHHH!! I’M BIG AND HUGE!! I ALSO HAVE A GIANT PHALLIC WEAPON!! I SHALL START ANOTHER CRYSTAL WAR!! … Why won’t anyone give me a hug? All I want is a hug… No more wars if people just give hugs…

Tidus: Yuna, can I see your tits?

I didn’t know tidus was a villain…lol?

yeah, he’s a vilain when it comes to vaginas and teets.

Gestahl: "Kefka, I think you have what it takes to rule this empire. I relinquish my command; you are now the master. Have at it."

Kefka: "Thank you! Now I can begin to rebuild the peace of this world that once was!"

Dr. Hojo – Yes, soon my masterpiece will be complete! Then my research can continue forever!
Cloud – Step away from the machine Hojo!
Vincent – Before I fill you full of lead.
Dr. Hojo – Sheesh… a guy can’t make a good coffee machine around here, without others trying to fillet his liver!

Tidus: Prepare to meet your doom, Seymour!
Seymour: Oh fuck my cock! Do you EVER shut up?
Tidus: Do you ever have a manly voice? Jesus! You sound like a person in a gay pride parade! And I WON’T ‘fuck your cock’.

President Shinra’s Son (forgot his name): Perhaps I should actually help people and not destroy the planet…
Barret: Nah !@#$ the planet

Dr. Hojo – Yes, soon my masterpiece will be complete! Then my research can continue forever!
Cloud – Step away from the machine Hojo!
Vincent – Before I fill you full of lead.
Dr. Hojo – Sheesh… a guy can’t make a good coffee machine around here, without others trying to fillet his liver!

LOL. NICE ONE.

*After Edgar’s castle has submerged below the desert for the first time*
Kefka – Son of a doorknob! I’ll pay for this!!
Soldier 1 – Umm… sir? Don’t you mean they’ll pay?
Kefka – D’oh, of course of course… Son of my own loins! You’ll pay for this!!
Soldier 2 – Sir.. Edgar and the others… his castle sank in the desert and…
Kefka – SHUT UP FOOL! I know what I’m doing! *clears throat* Son of a Chocobo’s ass, I’ll pay for this!! … wait… that doesn’t sound right… oh the hell with it!!
*kills the two soldiers and stalks off*

Ultimecia: "I want to rule the world and compress time because (insert reason here)."

HEY HEY!!!

Belgemine(from X): Your aeons against mine. To the death of course. What do you say?

Jecht: My son is so manly.

Sephiroth: I want things fabulous! That is my simple request! All things Fabulous!
Cloud: "cricket"

Hold on, I gotta take this call.

"My hair is too obnoxious."

Seymour

For a twist, lines I’d expect them to say if the writers were more like.. well… people like us…
Kuja: I don’t see what the problem is, I’m just looking to get some tail… *winks at Zidane*
—
Kadaj: *sniffle* Mommy! Cloud.. he said I have an Oedipus Complex! *sob*
—
Ultemecia: Sieg Heil! Vat? Ze forced german aksent und you didn’t ekspekt un Nazi reference?!

For a twist, lines I’d expect them to say if the writers were more like.. well… people like us…
Kuja: I don’t see what the problem is, I’m just looking to get some tail… *winks at Zidane*
—
Kadaj: *sniffle* Mommy! Cloud.. he said I have an Oedipus Complex! *sob*
—
Ultemecia: Sieg Heil! Vat? Ze forced german aksent und you didn’t ekspekt un Nazi reference?!

Make that last one Dr. Odine instead of Ultimecia, that’d be funny. Oh, and erase everything after Sieg Heil [‘:

Vayne: Are you sure this has a chocolate center?
Larsa: Yes now shut up and suck it bitch!

fix’d :smrt:

Emperor Gramis: The long, cold years have clouded my eyes. I cannot see my own son’s heart.
[Gramis coughs repeatedly as he is suffering from an illness.]
Gabranth: My Lord!
Emperor Gramis: This illness will claim me. So then, who is to be my successor? Both my sons….are so hopelessly gay.

Seifer – "Oh Bugger I do appear to have to cut you on the face, im awfully sorry old chum"

Squall – "No worries buddy, I shall now return the favour"

*Slice*

Seifer – "….. Touche"

Seifer – "Oh Bugger I do appear to have to cut you on the face, im awfully sorry old chum"
Squall – "No worries buddy, I shall now return the favour"
*Slice*
Seifer – "….. Touche"

Here’s my interpretation:

*Seifer cuts Squall’s face*
Squall: Ehhh! You ruined my beautiful beautiful face! Ehhh!!!
Seifer: No worries bro. *Casts Cure, the wound disappears* See? All better!
Squall: Thanks! You’re the bestest in the whole wide world!
Seifer: Awww…
*buttseks*

or

*Seifer cuts Squall’s face*
Squall: Wahh!! *Drops gunblade immediately and curls into a ball*
Seifer: Oh shit! Dude! Does that hurt? Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck….I am in so much trouble!
*Squall crying*
Seifer: There there, it’ll be okay. I just gotta find a doctor. No, I can’t take you to a doctor, or else they’ll know I did it.
*Squall still crying*
Seifer: Here, uh…you stay right here. I’ll go get help. *Runs away, leaves Balamb Garden, and becomes a recluse for the next two years. Squall still crying in fetal position*

… who revived this dead thread??

I’ll let it pass though – previous post was last year but it was still on the first page. Besides, it’s not like the FF section is too active these days anyway sadly.

Here’s my interpretation:

*Seifer cuts Squall’s face*
Squall: Ehhh! You ruined my beautiful beautiful face! Ehhh!!!
Seifer: No worries bro. *Casts Cure, the wound disappears* See? All better!
Squall: Thanks! You’re the bestest in the whole wide world!
Seifer: Awww…
*buttseks*

or

*Seifer cuts Squall’s face*
Squall: Wahh!! *Drops gunblade immediately and curls into a ball*
Seifer: Oh shit! Dude! Does that hurt? Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck….I am in so much trouble!
*Squall crying*
Seifer: There there, it’ll be okay. I just gotta find a doctor. No, I can’t take you to a doctor, or else they’ll know I did it.
*Squall still crying*
Seifer: Here, uh…you stay right here. I’ll go get help. *Runs away, leaves Balamb Garden, and becomes a recluse for the next two years. Squall still crying in fetal position*

Gotta be the buttsex!

Thread Revival! Horror of horrors O.o

However, since it has received Life 2, I shall add my bit, just to keep things going. My it’s practically like a grave yard around here, abandoned threads left like forgotten tomb stones to crumble into dust and be lost in antiquity. How sad.

Things Final Fantasy Villans would NEVER say:

Sephiroth: Begging your pardon Golbez, but would you care to join in our Dissidia 012 Adhoc party?
Golbez: Very Well

……actually thinking on it now, I realise Golbez does say that. Well anyway, you get the point.

Seifer: Oh, you guys shouldn’t have… I was gonna come visit you at my old home.

Squall: Shut up.

Seifer: Rinoa, what are you doing here? You gonna fight me, too? Come on, remember a year ago we…

Rinoa: Stop it!

Seifer: No no, I think Squall needs to hear this. Remember when we had sex? When you called me "daddy" then started crying for an hour because of your unresolved issues with your father?

Rinoa: ….

Squall: …

Seifer: Yeah it was really awkward. That’s why we stopped seeing each other. Even though I am all evil now, I felt it was the least I could do to warn you about what you were getting into Squall.

Although…I get it now! You want to be with Squall because you could never actually mistake him for a man! Hence no more accidentally crying Daddy. You’re smarter than i gave you credit for Rinoa.