Spartan18
08-30-2006, 03:55 PM
Please comment and don’t be too harsh.
This is our zig zag romance
Just taken by another trance
We’ll all sit down
Talk about losts and founds
And about how hard we hit the ground
We’ll talk about memories
And about forgotten stories
We’ll all sit close
Squeezing hands,till overdose
Cuz these are our lost past
All the stuff that didn’t last
We’ll talk about the bad times
And how it ended fine
We just have so much to share
From all the forgotten cares
And we’ll talk until we die
Cuz we’ll laugh and cry
Just so much to talk about
We’ll laugh and we’ll shout
And I’ll just hold your hand
Pull you close to really understand
Nothing matters more
Than what I fight for
And that would be you
Black Paladin
08-30-2006, 03:58 PM
Its a bit forced IMHO, and emo, theres not much that I can comment on here.
Spartan18
08-30-2006, 03:59 PM
You really think it’s emo? I wasn’t trying to go for that.It’s not one of my bests.
Prak
08-30-2006, 04:00 PM
Very awkward flow. Very forced rhymes. Also, "cuz" = :(.
Spartan18
08-30-2006, 04:01 PM
Very awkward flow. Very forced rhymes. Also, "cuz" = :(.
Do you think I should loosen up the flow, and cut down on the rhyming and get rid of the "cuz"?
Prak
08-30-2006, 04:06 PM
I’m just saying what’s wrong with it (I imagine that’s just the tip of the iceberg since I only scanned it), not how to fix it.
Black Paladin
08-30-2006, 04:06 PM
Great poetry should flow smoothly from the toungue, yours fails on that respect, and as Prak has mentioned ”cuz” is a big no no, try and use full english and cut down on abbreviations. I said it was emo because ”Overdose” WTF?
Spartan18
08-30-2006, 04:13 PM
Great poetry should flow smoothly from the toungue, yours fails on that respect, and as Prak has mentioned ”cuz” is a big no no, try and use full english and cut down on abbreviations. I said it was emo because ”Overdose” WTF?
True.I usually don’t use "cuz".Oh well.I have better poems anywayz.:D
Memento Mori
08-30-2006, 04:13 PM
The emo part doesn’t bother me, but what everyone else said is pretty much true…
Black Paladin
08-30-2006, 04:19 PM
True.I usually don’t use "cuz".Oh well.I have better poems anywayz.:D
Feel free to post them!
Spartan18
08-30-2006, 04:24 PM
Feel free to post them!
Okay.I’ll make a thread with my poems.It will take a while to get them all up b/c there are a lot and I have to copy from my notebooks.
Machiavelli
08-30-2006, 04:27 PM
BRAVO!
ENCORE!
You will be the next Byron
Spartan18
08-30-2006, 04:35 PM
Huh?
Shadowblade
08-31-2006, 08:22 PM
Lord Byron foo…
