New and Improved poem

"Moonlit Path"

Wet brick path.
Splash, a soft thud.
Man walking.
In travelling cloak, sword on his shoulders.
Along this river path he treads.
Beneath Trees, soft breeze, rustle of leaves.

Pale white, pure moonlight, illuminates the night.
The river carries in it soft cherry blossoms.
No fear in his eyes, just precision and execution.
Swirling down stream he keeps steady, his gait.
Looking ahead, always straight.

Coming his way:
Beauty. Soft brown hair, tumbles in curls down her neck,
silent, restful, upon her soft shoulders.
Surge, Excitement in his heart:
Her smile.
Will he get through this Trial?

The traveling one halts, the girl stops.
Moment of peace between them.
The river freezes, breeze hushes, not daring to breathe.
No Sound. Vacuum.
Crack and break,
make no mistake.

Eyes locked, not daring to shatter
the twining silver thread of twilight between their gazes,
holding them together.
Her soft, brown eyes melt him.
Inside he seeps through the freckles of her iris, and he feels the warmth of sunlight.
The moment at the time, feels so right.

Could be: Hope.
Seperate; away.
Refreshing, cooling, weightless caress of a sigh upon the back of your neck.
The green trees rustle, and he holds her close.
He smells the ocean in her hair.
Sunlight trickles through cracks in the treetop canopy.
Ivy creeps up the soft brown trunks.
Ancient, lost, neglected grove.
Warmth, sanctuary, security. One, two, three, ten fingers entertwined, five to each hand. Birds, the humming sort, flitter by, stop around their heads.
They are the free spirit of the newly weds.

Suspended, perpetual: kiss.
Lips, seperate, wavering, dissipating.
Chilly night, present time.
His eyes lower, stare at the ground.
Nothing daring to make a sound.
She takes one, two steps toward him.
Trickle, fall shatter, his crystal tears, melt into the glossy brick path.
The ground has a sorrowful bath.

Lost: Forever.
A reach, a sweep, a step, a swish, time frozen.
Blood, Suspended: Fast forward.
Splattered the man sinks to his knees.
Tears of glass melt onto the wet brick.
She falls, said goodbye.
Never to Love again.

All other content aside, your sloppy use of punctuation makes this seem less like a poem and more like random rambling.

Then could you fix it for me, so I can see what I did wrong?

No, because I don’t do poetry. For the most part, I regard it as a waste of time.

Is that why you’re so critical of my writing?

I’m critical of everyone’s writing, regardless of what type. I have nothing better to do, so I read (and occasionally reply to) every last post that comes through this site, including the stuff in this oft-neglected forum.

Oh, okay. So.. it’s not that it sucks, you just having nothing to do and hate poetry?

Oh no. That’s not it at all. I may dislike poetry, but I’m always objective about it. You seriously do have major problems in your use of punctuation.

…oh. Well I wish you could be of some help so I can get better. -_-

Okay… minimize your use of punctuation and reintegrate it slowly so it doesn’t get out of control again.

It`s ok, not terrible though. Too quick, too "simple" for my liking.

Hm? It’s suppossed to be like a short story, a very desciptive piece of work so you can visualize the things as it happens very vividly, you see?

Final Draft:

Wet brick path.
Splash, followed by a soft thud.
Footsteps, a man walking.
In a travelling cloak, sword on his shoulders.
Along this river path he treads.
Beneath trees, soft breeze, rustle of leaves.

Ther river carries in it soft cherry blossoms.
No fear in his eyes, just precision and execution.
Swirling down stream, the pink blossoms go.
He keeps steady his gait.
Looking ahead, always straight.
Pale white, pure moonlight illuminates the night.

Coming his way: Beauty.
Shimmering blonde hair, tumbles in curls down her neck, silent and resting peacefully on her soft shoulders.
Surge, Excitement: Her smile.
Will he get through this trial, maybe he needs to relax awhile.

The traveling one halts, the girl stops.
Moment of peace between them.
The river freezes, the breeze hushes, not daring to breathe.
No sound, a vacuum.
Crack and break, make no mistake.

Eyes locked not daring to shatter
the twining silver thread of twilight holding their gazes together.
Her warm green eyes melt him inside.
He seeps through the freckles of her iris,
and suddenly he feels the warmth of sunlight.
The moments right, spread your wings: Take flight.

Could be: Hope.
Seperate and away.
Refreshing, cooling, weightless caress of a sigh upon her neck.
The green trees rustle, and he holds her close.
He smells the ocean in her hair.
Sunlight trickles through the cracks in the treetop canopy.
Ivy reaches up the tree trunks, slowly creeping upward.
Ancient, lost and neglected grove.
Here is love, seems to be enough.

Warmth, Sanctuary: Security.
One, two, ten fingers entertwine, five to each hand.
Birds, the humming sort, flitter by, stop around their heads.
They are the free spirit of the newly weds, doesn’t matter now what is said.

Suspended, perpetual: Kiss.
Lips seperate, waver then dissipate.
Chilly night, present time.
His eyes lower, stare at the ground.
Nothing dares to breathe, to make a sound.
Trickle, fall, shatter, his crystal tears melt into the glossy brick path.
The ground has a sorrowful bath.
Soon to be wrath.

Lost: Forever.
A reach, a sweep, a step and a swish.
Time Frozen.
Blood, suspended: Fast Forward.
She falls, said her goodbye.
Never to love again.
Tears of glass melt onto wet brick.
Splattered the man sinks to his knees, beneath trees, rustle of leaves.

Pretty good poems

It’s the same one, i just keep making it better, because it requires PERFECTION!! But thanks. XD

Onomatopoeia attack!