A poem about work/life

Diaries from the slave trade

Beneath this tin skyline I write to you broken but not defeated (Message in a bottle style).
The machines enjoy the power they have over the numb.
The computer tells me all the data I need to run the perfect life program.
The machines chant slogans of promotions and company advancement together in one emotionless drone.
The slaves tap at the keypads in sync to the beat of the drum.
The cameras follow and log your every movement.

A rage against this cooperate machine is futile.
The machines, they run your home,
You eat their slogans and you embody their mottos.
Work, eat and sleep to the beat of the drum, the robotic pied piper.

We need to be liberated!
I call for a revolution.
In the wake of the digital age we are being turned into the artificial intelligence.
We only know what they teach us, only what they tell us, only what they sell us, only what we buy.
The time has come for a new chapter.
The time has come to learn for ourselves.

You’ve never worked a day of your life.

No of course not…you know everything…im not 14 btw so fuck off.

No of course not…you know everything…im not 14 btw so fuck off.
Your technologically deterministic bullshit is what makes your poetry so painfully bad. For once, someone showed good structure marred by horrible ideas. How is this at all relevant to what you said it was? A poem about work? What work? Do you work in a factory? Are you being put out of the job by a robotic arm? Or maybe you’re just hoping Keanu Reeves is going to pop through the window and kick some mechanic ass?

I wish One Dreamer’s Path would come back. Topics full of "REMOVED" were better than this.

Mate with all the respect in the world get a fucking life. You do nothing but tear everything everyone posts apart yet I have yet to see you post ANYTHING decent or good. You are simply a twat. I don’t get why you spend so much time on here when it seems you can’t stand the place or anyone else who posts here. I have worked in factories and in call centres and for many bullshit companies that promise things that never come. The poem is dedicated to people that struggle in shitty 9-5 jobs working for a boss who views them as a number or statistic rather than a person. You say I have never done a days work…I am assuming you live at home with mummy and daddy who allow you to spend far too much time online. Grow the fuck up!

Getting pissed off and telling someone to grow up doesn’t suddenly make what you wrote better.

Hah! How interesting.
I posted a while back when I could be bothered to, but stopped when this forum took a downward spiral. I’ve also worked soulless deskjobs. You write this as if computers are controlling you, though, and that’s not even near what they do. They’re tools, and if they’re controlling you, then you’ve got problems!

I don’t live at home with my parents. I wish I did, it was easier back then. I’m getting an education at the moment. Did you get one? Or did you go straight into the desk job you claim now controls you. The way your poem is written suggests that the computers control us, not the boss, so essentially all your goddamn self righteous ethics are lost.

No I do have an education and I no longer work in THAT job. Anyways if you don’t like my work then that is not what I have a problem with. My problem lies with the negativity behind everything you post. I just don’t get it. Anyways I can’t be bothered with this. If you would like to discuss my bad poetry or my job further PM me. I will be in my room forced by my computer to post on forums.

No I do have an education and I no longer work in THAT job. Anyways if you don’t like my work then that is not what I have a problem with. My problem lies with the negativity behind everything you post. I just don’t get it. Anyways I can’t be bothered with this. If you would like to discuss my bad poetry or my job further PM me. I will be in my room forced by my computer to post on forums.
Why not in the topic about the poetry?

Everything you say in that poem is blaming computers for controlling people, when, truly, it’s people doing that. You’ve just written it so it’s all based upon technologically deterministic thinking.

Also, it’s corporate, unless you’re being clever.

it sounds like your poem is more about computers taking over out lives but im not very good at english. im not getting on at you just some constructive criticism

Ok this poem is wasted here whether or not it is liked (or good). Well noticed on the Coopertate front you are the first person to get that. It isn’t about my hatred for machines or machines taking over the world. It is about how we are becoming like machines in the way we all operate simple tasks on routine in our jobs and in life. How we are letting ourselves be force fed by companies using various mediums. Oh well…It wasn’t appreciate (and it seems it wasn’t understood). Nevermind…

It’s media, not mediums. Mediums make contact with the dead.
And really, it wasn’t understood due to how it was written, not due to any sort of failure on our parts.

The time has come to learn for ourselves.
Tell me, how are we meant to do this without using media. Consider that writing is also a medium. Listening is too. Communication is made through a selection of media.

If we’re not doing simple tasks, who is? It has to be done by somebody. Human manipulation and forced monotonous work was around far before any form of artificial intelligence was created. Would you prefer we didn’t make our coffees, that we had robots do them for us? Or maybe that we didn’t have to photocopy things, that a robot came and took our things to be photocopied, did it, and took it back to us?

Surely through that overmechanisation we’d become more machine than they were? Or is your example ill-thought out? Because these "routine jobs" are countless and are just the neccessary part of the job.

And how ironic it is you preach about being indoctrinated with a name like "neosavedtheworld," referring to the matrix, if I’m not wrong. That film ripped off about seven other stories, and used very weak hints of pop philosophy to make itself seem deep. By indoctrinating its fans with buzzwords and hints of this philosophy, fans were made to think that the film was great and pump more money into the countless bits of merchandise and dvd releases.

This drivel then convinced countless other media to copy it, from idiot game companies to other directors.

To top it off, they convinced millions that slow-mo was their idea.

Neo Saved The World is supposed to be ironic (for many of the reasons you mentioned). It is the name of a spoken word project I like. Look I get it you don’t like the poem. You have had the last say…lets just drop it. You are so clever and the rest of us…well what do we know. This has become petty. I’m sorry you don’t like the poem and I am sorry for posting it here and wasting your reading time. Remember though…your opinions are not always right and everything you have posted is opinion based. The fact is many people slave away in poor paid jobs they don’t like. I know we need people to man phones and clean up shit. I’m not stupid. I just feel that a lot of these people are doing this because they feel they can’t do better and that is a shame. Anyways if the point of the poem was lost to bad writing on my part then so be it. I would be interested to read some of your work though should there be any…as cuntish as you can be I reckon you seem to have your head screwed on. I’m not preaching btw you chose to read the poem. I didn’t make you. Anyways I’ll await your next clever put down or are we going to be grown up and drop this? I’m doubting you can’t not have the last word…

You are a very confused poet. If you deserve to be called a poet at all. Machines are tools controlled by mans hand and operate under mans instruction. They are not alive, so they do not brainwash us. It is the man that puts brain washing information into the public sector that brainwashes us. Advertisment is the force you were trying to describe, not computers and machinery. The matrix is just a fictional movie.

Jesus Christ the art of imagination is fucking lost in this place…I know computers do not brainwash us…I know the Matrix is a fucking film. Had you cared to read the other posts you would know this already. I supposed Michael Moore is a fucking genius and George Orwell was a fucking Loony Toon. My point is like the poem or not the point has been missed due to a lack of understanding from the READER. Now this could be argued that it is because it is a bad poem. You are entitled to that opinion. However just because a poem doesn’t spell everything out without some study or knowledge doesn’t make it a poor one. Otherwise we wouldn’t study any literature as we would all just simply understand it on first read. If you dislike the poem then say I dislike it but don’t try and belittle my efforts when you have failed in everyway to understand it. Stop thinking in the box for minute and stop jumping on the bandwagon. If it isn’t good then fine but at least give REAL reasoning other than trying to prove how much more clever you are than me. I posted a poem, it wasn’t liked. I have accepted the fact that it wasn’t a popular choice. What disappoints me is that people haven’t understood it. I am disappointed I didn’t write something strong enough to be understood however I am just as sad that people expect to understand something because of what it says on the surface and worse jump on a bandwagon of put downs because they can’t really give any reasoning. They assume because I post under the alias of neosavedtheworld I am obsessed with The Matrix. Would you assume a poet called David Gay was an obsessive homosexual? I doubt it and if you did you are a moron.

An explanation of:
The poem is a satire on modern living…ie life and work. The machines (as they are referred to in the poem) are humans that have the behaviours of machines. The idea that we do these rountines as though we are programmed. The reference to the computer is as MrMonkeyMan pointed out Media. I am not anti media however I am against many forms of media that don’t tell both sides to a story offering no decision making on our part. The concept of slogans and advancements runs on the theme "10 cent raise work ten times faster" – Snapcase and whether these promotions are for our own gain or theirs. The concept of the beat of the drum in the way we all respond to certain things because we should and not because we want to. I’m also not stupid enough to think we can all do whatever we want when we want – the poem is a little overblown. The camera logging our every movement is pushing towards a possible look at the future. There are a lot more cameras around already then say ten years ago. When will it end? When does our privacy go out the window? Maybe it won’t.
The part in reference to a rage against the machine (not the band) is in turn attacking those that wish to down the system and seem to chant that as blindy as those who accept everything we see in the news as truth. Once again I hit home I’m not saying it is all lies either. We need be to fair on both sides to story. The final part leads towards a warning that if we don’t take action now then if things such as cameras are in our homes, our every movement logged then we won’t be able to be free. It is written like a rally cry and again is overblown. I am not suggesting we should smash media more make sure it isn’t used to manipulate and brainwash. Anyways this is a rough explanation of the themes. I hope it stops people from misunderstanding parts even if they don’t like the poem.

I am sure MrMonkeyMan will correct any spelling mistakes and errors in grammar since I can’t be bothered right now. I was hoping to lay this thread to rest but it seems it is going to haunt me for a long while. If you would like to discuss it further feel free to PM me.

Down with fox!

lol

Part of writing a good poem is making sure that your meaning will be understood. If it’s misinterpreted, then it’s a failure. Sorry to be so blunt, but there’s no two ways about it.

Although I will accept you are right Prak I will only accept it to a certain extent. Once again I would like to point out that I haven’t never said my poem is good. I believe the reason my poem was misunderstood by certain people it was because they don’t have the scope to understand it in the first place. That isn’t my fault as a writer but more for posting it here. Arrogant yes, true yes. People of a certain age and breed of idiot wouldn’t be able to understand something that was difficult or challenging. My beef with certain people is that they have attacked things the didn’t understand due to lack of scope not my bad writing. If they had called the description narrow minded or the theme cliched and given relevant support to these claims I would take it on the chin, as I did with the sample of the book I’m working on. I will defend my work when it is unfairly slammed by bandwagon jumpers. I have read many poems and not understood them until I was older or had experienced similiar things to what the poem discusses. Many books which I read and hated at school have become favourites now I am old enough to appreciate them for what they are. Again, maybe my poem is just shit and I am making a big deal about it however I hope other forum members see my point. Your criticism of my story sample was fair and in most cases right. MrMonkeyMan and this other tosser are just here to slander and I won’t stand for that. As you mentioned failure to be interpreted is a very bad thing to happen as it does mean the message isn’t clear. I believe it is more significant when the target audience are the ones reading it. I have had this featured on many poetry sites and it has received praise and criticism in equal measure. I question my own decision to post it here. I have never said however I believe it to be a masterpiece. I wrote it 2 years (maybe more) ago and simply felt like joining in the posting of work. Saying that Seamus Heaney has won the Noble prize and I think he is shit. What do I know…
p.s. this isn’t a go at you Prak as I said your criticisms were fair and just good sir!

The poem is a satire on modern living.
Failure.

Satire –
A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.

I see none of those in there. It’s a very somber, melancholy piece. You’re not good at this.

I’ve never claimed to be. Re-open your dictionary and look up cunt…

It’s media, not mediums. Mediums make contact with the dead.

<a href=http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=medium target=_blank>GJ.</a>

Honestly, MMM, the guy’s right. From the get go you were acting like an asshole for no reason. You have legitimate criticisms, but they are wasted when you present them like that.

I thought it was fairly obvious that the "machines" in the poem were being personified. Machines do control our lives in a way, just not intentionally, and that’s what I thought he was getting at.

If this many people misunderstood the poem, it’s obvious that it could use some work to make it more clear. But you’re not going to get that across if you act like a complete shithead. I can understand you completely blasting one of those poems in this forum that isn’t even a poem where the creator put no thought into it and wrote nothing of value, but you admitted yourself that he at least has some knowledge of how to write a poem, so what the hell are you shitting all over him for?