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My encounter with this hermit, verily, occured on the night of May twentieth and seven. I rode alone this night, upon the back of my trusty steed, Marlow the ass.
I had set off from Colchester, across the fields of North Essex, to arrive in the markets of Covent Garden in around 3 days. After a mere 6 hours into my journey, however, I was waylaid on the outskirts of Hatfield Peverel, by some outlandish bandits.
I was reaching the summit of a flowery hillock, verily, when appeared the most wretched of gentlemen.
"Oi, guv’nor" he hollered, most profusely "Let me see yer empty pockets. Thems be empty, cos your gold be on the floor afterwards, har har har!" He continued to bray like an ass for around ten minutes. I wish, dear reader, that I had made my escape, verily, during this period, but I was thrown from Marlow, my ass, who became frightened at the braying laughter, who ran off back down the hillock, carrying my supply of classic literature, plays, and original works with him. I’m sorry to say, verily, that my head struck a stone, and I was placed in an unconscious stupor.
I awoke in the most rancid smelling of barns. A scrawny mare stood above, and proceeded to cover me in its excrement. I was terribly offended, and began to ponder what the Red Crosse Knighte would do in such a situation, verily. Just as I was coming to the conclusion that the mare must be slain, verily, and its innards smeared across the walls of the barn, in an act of holy vengeance, verily, a ruffian grabbed me by the neck, and hoisted me out into the dark outside.
He held me firmly by the collar, verily, and stared me square in the eyes. He was vile, and sneer’d like a rabid dog, verily, but with worse teeth. He ordered me to sit upon the damp grass, and I agreed, fearing that my garters may be torn in a brawl. He paced back forth, verily, seven or so times, before he turned to me, and introduced himself.
"Evening, cretin" he scoffed "I call meself Pottal, Pottal the bad toothed. Here with me lads and busty wenches, we have merry times, and waylay pansy travellers along yonder track." He waved in the direction, verily, but it was the wrong one, as he was clearly consumed by alcoholic misgivings. It was here that I proceeded to use my exceptional wit, developed after much study of Jonson, the witty and satirical playwright.
"Excuse me, sir" I exclaimed, verily "But I think you will find that your garters are untied."
At this, the ruffian peered straight at his crotch. Yet, the swift head movement, coupled with his alcoholic misgivings, consumed the scruffy bandit, and he feel upon the floor, choking on his own vomit, verily.
And thusly, I ran’d, fast and hard’d into yonder woods, verily. Without an ass, my journey to Covent Garden would be long and perilious, forsooth. Yet, after a mere 500 yards or so into the undergrowth, I chanced upon a vast chested maiden, asleep under a shrub, clutching a jug of rum to her ample chest.
Worried of catching the plague, verily, I picked up a stick and began to prod her face with it. She stirred, and belched, and stood up, staggering, yet stood. Her long brown locks caressed her bloodshot cheeks, verily, and her teeth glistened like the boots of a quagmire inspector. I asked her name, verily.
"Beatrice" she exclaimed, with glee. I introduced myself as Thomas, the Squire of Courage, and she was glad, and accepted my company. Together, we journeyed further into the woods, to avoid the persuing hounds of Pottal and his gang.
CONTINUED SOME OTHER TIME, WITH THE SECRET OF THE HERMIT FINALLY REVEAL’D, VERILY.
Which bites ’cause I really like it.
Curse being without net connection.
Perhaps the busty wench Beatrice will give the Squire of Courage a case of ye Syphilis, or worse the bawdy blue balls. Only time will tell, as our resident bard of silliness continues his tale.