Not a Poem, but a song :-D

This is one of the songs i wrote, its for heavy metal type of music. Ummm currently though, its considered a poem. well here it is.

Its called Surviving Thoughts

I wish I could figure whats wrong
The way that everyone is immortal
And nothing is ever wrong
So I try to find peace in a different portal

And I fight it all out
But we all know
That the world is cruel
And nothing will survive
And I am bleeding
Once again I trusted
And lost and was bested
And so I am falling

Falling down a hole
And see the colors fade
And inside my own world
Only my thoughts survive

The anger sitting in me
The complete darkness envelope me
I fight my way back to the top
But nothing ever stops
And I fall back down
Falling farther and father below

Falling down a hole
And see the colors fade
And inside my own world
Only my thoughts survive

My emptiness
Will never be completed
Until I find the ones
And kill them the way I did

On and on and on
Sadness
On and on and on
Numbness
On and on and on

Falling down a hole
And see the colors fade
And inside my own world
Only my thoughts survive

it was alright but frankly seems a it generic to me, i think u should open up a bit more and let it flow. but don’t worry bout it, a lil bit of constructive (at least i hope it was) criticsim is gd, see what some more advanced writers say about it such as Tigra