An FFShrine fairy tale: Koenmastiltzkin

NB: in no way does this tale convey my true feelings towards the shriners who feature in it, nor is it to be taken seriously. i thought it up in the twinkling of an eye, and it will probably be crappy, but what the hell.

The Cast:

Koenmastiltzkin – a mischevious scamp
Kitten – a maiden
Pussy – kittens pet kitty
Baldric – a drunk bum
CorazonAzul (or however its spelt) – king of FFShrinedom

Scene One – Outside ‘The Burly Wench’, FFShrinedoms most popular tavern

Enter Kitten with Pussy, stage right

Kitten: This Kitty on first prize in a waffle barfing contest. I love her dearly, hell I do!
Pussy: (proudly ) MEOW!

Enter Baldric, stage left. He staggers.

Baldric: C*NT C*NT A*SE F*CKER MONKEY BANDIT
Pussy: ( dissaprovingly )MEOW!
Baldric: hic! i knowsh u, i do i do, yoush that maiden, who can spins wool into goldsh…hur hur
Kitten: You drunk oaf, dont talk sh*t
Pussy: (agreeingly ) MEOW!
Baldric: itsh truthful i be telling yaaar har har

Enter CorazonAzul from stage right

CorazonAzul: if what this gutter trash says is true, then i want to spin a ton of wool into gold, for then surely, i will be the richest owner, admin, thingy (playwright forgets what) that ever lived.
Kitten: buts its drunken lies!
CorazonAzul: now now, this fellow would never speak crap
Pussy: (disparingly ) MEOW!

all exit stage right

Scene Two – the wool spinning place

lights come up on Kitten and Pussy, sat infront of a spinning wheel. wool lays nearby

Kitten: this is riduculous, wool can never be turned into gold
Pussy: ( acknowledging ) MEOW!

a flash of light, a burst of smoke, Koenmastiltzkin enters stage left

Kitten: why, whoever are you
Koenmastiltzkin: i am a mystery imp. (NB: from now on Koenmastiltzkin will be called K, because the writer of this peice of trash cant be bothered to type a long dumb play on a name all the time). i am you’re saviour. i will spin the wool into gold for you for one week. however, you must guess my name by the end of the week. otherwise (snatching Pussy ) i will eat your cat, with a side salad, washed down with the finest ales you can imagine.
Pussy: (fearful ) MEOW!
Kitten: oh no, you musn’t!
K: you have no choice, mwa hahahahaha!

a flash, a puff of smoke, the wool becomes gold, and K exits stage left

Kitten: alas, poor Pussy, i knew her well. i must find some way of foiling that evil imps scheme.

Kitten sneaks out stage right

Scene 3 – A wooded glade

lights come up on K, sitting, drunk, centre stage. Kitten enters stage right, hides behind a bush, and spies

Kitten: his drunken ramblings can be heard in every FF site in the land! he was easy to find
K: oh ho ho, this fake ID is great. i can get totally blasted. its sweetness. wait a minute…is that a DDR machine i see?

he runs off excitedly…drops his ID

Kitten moves towards the ID, picks it up, examines

Kitten: K, eh? with this peice of plastic fakery, i can catch the little toad out!

Kitten exits stage right

Scene Four – the end of the week, in spinning room

Kitten sits infront of the spinning wheel. a flash, a puff of smoke, K enters, and wool becomes gold

K: ok, your week is up. guess my name, or i’ll eat your…(snipped out, too easy to make a gag out of)
Kitten: aha, thats where your wrong, for your name is K! never leave your ID lying carelessly around!
K: nooooo, foiled! fine, here is your cat
Pussy: (happily ) MEOW!

Random Narration: and so, K was foiled, and CorazonAzul was rich beyond the wildest of dreams. Kitten and her pet become national celebreties, and Baldric the drunk was hit by a bus, while singing "She Was Coming Round the Mountain" in the road, wearing a tu-tu and a bowler hat.

THE END

nb: any resemblence to real life people, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. the playwright reserves the right to choose his own place of stoning, and the type of stones used, as punishment for this terrible peice of writing.

serious nb: this is not how i view anybody, and was something i just thought up in a matter of seconds. i posted, coz, well, i wanted to. im sorry im not funny…but we have our faults

heh heh *laughs* That cheered me up. . .

I never did round to replying to this, Baldric, even though I was among the first to read it. Gotta admit that I laughed at it, it’s an interesting twist to the children’s tale.

Here’s hoping you write some more stuff for me to read and chuckle at.