Or a comedy version of, I hope. If you don't laugh reading it, don' worry, I understand.

Special mention to this thread: http://forums.ffshrine.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8123 and the people posting within it for providing one of the ideas for the plot. You'll know it when you see it.

Here we go:

�Thou wilt feel the fury of mine blade!� King Arthur snarled at the demon like thing.
Moving Excalibur in a smooth and steady arc, Arthur decapitated the demon in front of him, before spinning around to find the rest of the Knights finishing their work with the other creatures of dread.
�Nice work boss. Nice swing. Could�ve done with some more blood, maybe a bit more bone, but otherwise pretty good,� Excalibur said.
�Thou art an annoying sword,� Arthur cursed.

Sir Lancelot lifted his visor and grinned to his King.
�Quite a good battle, eh?� He asked.
�Agreed. Mine enemies did quiver in fear at thine arrival Sir Lancelot. Verily, it was a masterful charge that sent a shiver hence down my spine,� Arthur replied.
�What?� Lancelot asked with a frown.
�I think he said good job Lance,� Excalibur replied as his master sheathed it.

Sir Galahad dismounted and clanked his fist against his chest.
�My Lord, the demons have been exterminated as you have asked for, and the path to the Demon King�s lair lays open for us to travel upon,� Galahad said.
�Good work lad,� Arthur said approvingly.
�You�re such a boot-licker boy,� Lancelot muttered to Galahad.
�Yes, father,� Galahad replied with a straight face.

Sir Gawain and Sir Gaheris walked over to join the others. Sons of Arthur�s sister, he liked their swordsman skills, even if they paled in comparison to his own. Sir Gareth, Gawain�s oldest son, was close behind them.
�What�s the plan, my Lord?� Gawain asked.
�Mine enemies doth tremble within their stronghold. Thy swords shall provide me with our victory!� Arthur replied.

Arthur turned around to try and find someone.
�Merlin!� Arthur called, �Merlin! MERLIN!� He screamed then.
�I�m coming! I�m coming!� The old wizard mumbled, appearing from behind a rock, �we won, then?�
�Where werest thou?� Arthur demanded.
Merlin�s face quickly became sly as he looked around the knights.

�Aah. Well. You see, there was this invisible demon sneaking about with the real ones, and as I could only detect it with my magic, I took liberty to combat it to the death. It was a long, hard struggle, but I was able to prevail through wits, skill and cunning,� Merlin said.
�Very good wizard. Thou art truly skilled,� Arthur said.
�Yeah! It�s strange how there�s always an invisible troll, or an invisible goblin, or an invisible dragon creeping up on us,� Excalibur noted, �the only thing I�ve noticed that�s invisible is your presence when trouble begins to boil.�

Merlin chose to ignore that.
�What is the best strategy for attack then, wizard?� Lancelot asked.
�I say go for the mass charge,� Sir Bedivere said, gesturing with his one hand.
�Didn�t you say that when you lost that hand?� Sir Lamork said.
�I�ve always said it! Just because I lost my hand last time doesn�t mean that it should happen again this time!� Bedivere snapped.
�What about that big toe the time before?� Gareth asked.
�Not to mention your left ear the time before that,� Gawain continued.
�And not forgetting the unfortunate incident with the pe�.� Gaheris begun to say.
�Enough, stop, STOP!� Bedivere almost cried.

Arthur raised his hand.
�Silence! Mine enemies wouldst laugh at the sight of us sorely split like this,� Arthur said.
�Ten quid says they already are,� Excalibur murmured.
�We could always use the clothes of the dead enemy to gain access to the castle and slay the Demon King that way?� Sir Kay suggested in his quiet manner.
�Isn�t Kay a girl�s name?� Sir Bors asked, and laughed with the others.
�Very funny, Sir Bors. Yes, I�ve only heard it seventeen million, two hundred and thirty three thousand, one hundred and seventy nine times,� Kay snapped in reply.

The Knights fell silent.
�Sir Percival, Sir Tristan, what are your views?� Arthur asked.
�Don�t ask us, we�re just the sacrificial characters,� Percival replied, before the pair were suddenly, un-expectantly, and cruelly, shot down with arrows.
�Thou art a cruel mistress, Death,� Arthur growled, shaking his fist at the source of the arrows.

The source being a group of gargoyles descending from the sky, each armed with a long steel spear and a bow and a quiver of arrows. The remnants of human flesh still hung from their jaws, and their eyes lit up at the presence of another meal. Arthur drew Excalibur and the rest of the Knights responded by drawing their own. Merlin was no-where to be seen.
�Well, we�re doing a GREAT job of rescuing Guinevere here, aren�t we Arthur?� Lancelot said sardonically.
�Silence. We must vanquish our foes, and onward to the castle!� Arthur roared.

One of the gargoyles stepped forward, its jaw parted into a grin or a grimace, which Arthur could not tell, but it pointed its spear at the King. Arthur stepped forward, holding Excalibur comfortably. This was obviously the leader of the group, a foe that if he killed would motivate his army, an easy task for a warrior as great as he. He imagined his sword swirling in a deadly arc of steel, the Gargoyle quivering at the view of its death approaching rapidly and repenting its sins before the final, final pain of its life. Arthur would be bathed in sunlight during that fateful stroke, and the rest of his knights would be inspired by his courage and strength, they could easily destroy the rest of the�.

� �Hey, the idiots have left an escape route at the rear!� Lancelot bellowed.
�Retreat, retreat!� Merlin called, appearing from behind a rock, and holding onto his hat as he ran.
�Damn thine cowardice, knights of mine!� Arthur cursed as he joined their sprint for the enemy castle�

� �We are all that are left, Gareth and Gaheris both took spears to the back,� Sir Galahad said, looking at Merlin evilly, �more would�ve survived had the wizard not tripped Sir Bors up and caused him to hit Kay and Lamork on the way down.�
�Hey, it�s every man for himself. I merely gave the Gargoyles something easier to brutally savage and eat alive than little old me,� Merlin protested.
�We number but six,� Arthur said quietly, �myself, Merlin, Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad, Sir Bedivere and Sir Gawain. Pray, I hope thine brother and son sleeps well in the light of heaven, Sir Gawain!�

Gawain nodded mutely as Lancelot put his shield up under the torch and took off his helm to check his hair, before scratching his chin.
�Well Arthur,� Lancelot said, taking his dagger and starting to shave off his stubble, �so far we�ve been told that Guinevere is imprisoned, have followed the note into an ambush by the Demon King�s minions, successfully fought them off and now find ourselves deep in the Demon King�s castle, half our number and to top it all off, I�VE CUT MYSELF SHAVING!!!�

Merlin winced and then turned and muttered a few words. Lancelot�s face suddenly exploded into a big bushy black beard. The Knight cursed and stumbled around holding his face and Merlin spun and punched him in the face.
�Now keep quiet you fool! I don�t want to be found hiding in the Demon King�s deepest darkest dungeon, thank you very much,� Merlin hissed.
�Do you have any idea how much that stung?� Lancelot asked incredulously.
�I don�t care. Go back to grooming yourself, but do it QUIETLY,� Merlin snapped.

There was a deep rumble from within the darkened chamber ahead, and Arthur turned to Galahad.
�Pray, tell me that was thine stomach that made that rumble hence, sir Knight,� He said.
�Sorry Arthur. I�m afraid I lost my stomach back on the battle field,� Galahad replied.

There was another rumble and then a huge red light lit up ahead of the Knights. Arthur looked at it curiously, as another one appeared just to the side of it. There were two black spots in the middle of those lights. A possible passageway, Arthur mused.
�Er, Arthur, I would suggest running,� Merlin said.
�Grab him!� Arthur ordered, and Sir Bedivere and Sir Gawain took hold of Merlin.
�No! Release me, or I�ll, er, cast the Funky Chicken on you!� Merlin ordered.
�Funky Chicken?� Bedivere asked, �why do I not feel scared?�

The two lights begun to rise in front of Arthur and then the chamber was filled with light. He realised then what he had been looking at was Death.
�A dragon!!!� Arthur exclaimed, �pray, we must find Sir George, the slayer of Dragons.�
�He doesn�t come along for another five hundred years or so Arthur,� Lancelot replied, still in the process of shaving off his beard, �otherwise, I�m sure he�d be willing to� A DRAGON!!!�

The Dragon considered each of the knights in front of him, before looking upon Merlin�s quivering form. It grinned, and spoke in a horrible, horrible voice.
�A wizard. A man of knowledge. Excellent, it has been a long time since I had someone with the potential to teach me something new,� It said.
�It speaks,� Arthur proclaimed with reverence.
�Of course I speak! What do you take me for, a common lizard or something?� The Dragon snapped, �I will let you all live, provided you can match the answer of my riddle with an answer of your own.�
�Verily! A joyous game you suggest, Sir Dragon. Gladly will we participate!� Arthur cried.
�If you fail to answer correctly, I shall eat you all,� The Dragon replied

Arthur, for once, was lost for words at that.
�Okay, the answer to my riddle: I like saying goodbye, but I hate saying Au Revoir,� The Dragon said, a smile on his face, �do you have an answer to the riddle as well?�
Arthur looked pointedly at Merlin, who merely ran long, slender, girly fingers through his beard.
�Hmm, this one could take some time,� Merlin said, sitting down.

The Dragon grinned at the wizard.
�It�s a good one, isn�t it? Okay, here�s another wizard, I like sweets, but I hate sugar,� It said.
�Ooh, that�s very good,� Merlin said appreciatively, his eyes squinted in concentration.
�How about �I feel like Rumpelstilskin, but you�re not trying to guess my name�?� The Dragon continued, it�s eyes gleaming.
�Damn it, it�s on the tip of my tongue,� Merlin said, his eyes locked in concentration.

The Dragon looked impatiently at the wizard, and Arthur felt potential for trouble. However, the Dragon seemed more determined to help the wizard to the answer than to eat him.
�Don�t you get it? �I love Sean Connery, but I hate James Bond Movies.��
�I like School, but I hate teachers.�
�I like cheese, but I hate dairy products.�
�You love coffee, but you hate Java?�

Merlin continued to sit, his face locked in concentration. The Dragon begun to pace around, shouting answers at the wizard, jumping each time the wizard said �got it!� Before Merlin would then sit down and ponder again. The Dragon�s tail was swishing menacingly and his eye was twitching nervously as he stared at the wizard.
�Hurry Merlin. Our enemy, the Dragon, is beginning to look rather vexed,� Arthur urged.
�I�ve got it under control Arthur,� Merlin replied.

The Dragon continued to pace, each time Merlin falsified an answer, it jumped and the ground shook, a crack beginning to appear. Merlin watched the crack and the dragon in equal proportion, playing the Dragon�s temper to widen the gap. The Dragon finally snorted, a puff of black smoke escaping from its nose.
�You don�t get it, do you wizard?� The Dragon shrieked.
�Of course I do,� Merlin snapped.
�Then answer!� The Dragon roared, stamping its paw several times on the crack.

The last stamp proved fatal. The floor creaked under the weight of the Dragon before finally giving way. The Dragon let out a cry of despair and tried to dig its claws into the floor, only succeeding in dragging more down with it. The Dragon tried to flap its wings, but the hole in the ground didn�t give it enough room. The Dragon cursed Merlin as it fell to its inevitable, painful death. Merlin stood and looked down the hole, before spitting down it.

�Well, that went well,� He said as he straightened his hat.
�Didn�t you know the answer wizard?� Lancelot asked, looking ridiculous with one side of his face covered in facial hair when the other was smooth.
�Of course I knew the answer,� Merlin snapped.
�Dost thou thinketh that thou couldst enlighten thine company?� Arthur asked.
�A wizard doesn�t needlessly reveal his knowledge to others,� Merlin replied piously, �that way, no-one knows truly how much power that wizard has.�
�Yeah. Sure. I believe you, charlatan,� Excalibur sneered sarcastically�

� The six continued forward past the Dragon�s chamber and down the long corridor to the Demon King�s Throne Room. Arthur enthusiastically took the lead, with no-one really arguing that point. Arthur ordered that Merlin follow just behind him, to the wizard�s obvious distress. Lancelot took up the rear of the company, still grumbling at not being able to finish the job of shaving he�d started, and cursing as he cut himself trying in the dark.

�We must be awfully close. It�s getting hotter,� Gawain said.
�Truthfully said Sir Knight. Mayhaps we are close to our imminent victory!� Arthur said.
�Or our horrible death,� Lancelot muttered through a mouthful of blood.
�Nay, Sir Knight! Never can we lose! Our hand be the same is the hand of justice! Mine enemies cannot stand our skill!� Arthur cried.

Arthur reached the door of the throne room and kicked it open without stopping his stride, drawing forth Excalibur and holding it ready.
�Reveal thyself, foul demon. Reveal thyself, and I shall slay thou, lest ye cause mine wife more distress than thou already hast,� Arthur said.
�We really need to get him to update the lexicon of his speech,� Excalibur sighed.

The chamber was filled with bright torches that lit up the full extent of the horror. Tax-collectors lined the walls, only kept out by glass cubicles. They saw the Knights and immediately started shouting something about tax on the armour and weapons they carried. Arthur put on his helm to muffle the sound, the rest of the Knights copying.

A deep rumbling sound echoed through the room, and it wasn�t until a couple of seconds had passed that Arthur realised it was laughter. There was an explosion near the pentagon and a figure cloaked in black appeared. Its features were hidden, bar its gleaming white eyes, and for that Arthur was grateful.

�King Arthur, and his Knights of the Round Table,� The figure said, �welcome to the domain of pain. I am the King of Demons, and I will grant you your death!�
�Thine speech hast no impact upon the bravery of mine Knights, wretched villain. Mine sword shall taste your blood!� Arthur replied.
�Yeah! I want blood! Give me blood, Arthur! GIVE ME BLOOD!!!� Excalibur snarled.

Feeling confident with his sword�s boast, Arthur stepped closer to the figure.
�I wilt drive mine sword so deep through thine heart that mine hand wilt be in the wound!� Arthur snarled.
�Hey, hey, hey!!! You�re NOT driving me in THAT far!� Excalibur replied.
�Methinks, sword, that arguing with me is counter-productive,� Arthur chided.
�I�m just setting the limits Arthur,� Excalibur replied, �I may be the greatest holy sword in existence, but I do have standards to keep, y�know.�

�SILENCE!� The Demon King snapped, �enough! You have come here to rescue your darling wife, Guinevere, is that not correct Arthur?�
�That is so,� Arthur replied.
�Well, I�m afraid to say that she made a fine main course for me and my own wife,� The Demon King said with a shrug, �you can take her bones back if you can kill me.�

Lancelot stepped forward.
�My Lord, I demand that you let me attack this villain myself,� He said hotly, �anyone who causes your lady wife harm shall answer to me indefinitely and painfully.�
�By all means, Sir Lancelot,� Arthur replied.

Lancelot drew his sword and yelled out a battle cry, before charging. The Demon King lifted one cloaked arm and begun to swirl it around. Merlin made a strangled gasp of surprise before Lancelot froze in his stride, the sword dropping from his grasp.
�What�s� Happening� To me?� He asked.
�It�s the most evil, evil, EVIL spell around!� Merlin replied.

Slowly, as if against his will, Lancelot�s limbs begun to jerk into position. His hands formed two wing-like shapes against his sides, and he bent down, his head bobbing and his arms flapping.
�What hast thou done?� Arthur demanded.
�The Funky Chicken!� Merlin replied, �there is no way back for Sir Lancelot.�
�Please kill me,� Lancelot moaned as he begun to peck around the gravel for breadcrumbs.

�Now, who else would like to try and battle me?� The Demon King asked.
�We have a wizard as powerful as you in our entourage! Enter MERLIN!!!� Galahad cried.
Tumbleweed swirled past Galahad as he spoke. The Demon King crossed his arms.
�Damn that wizard! I am most vexed,� Arthur said.
�There are many things in life that can�t be guaranteed, but the one thing you can rely on is that the moment that trouble arrives, Merlin will be out of here quicker than the speed of light,� Excalibur sighed, �okay Arthur, let�s go and get this done.�

The battle that followed was long and boring, and so I won�t bore you to death with the insults thrown, nor the cheerleaders who appeared out of no-where, nor the commentators giving us their �expert opinion� on the two warriors, their weapon of choice, etc, nor the agreement that it be to the death, none of the resurrection stuff. The battle did end, as predicted correctly by one of the commentators, with Merlin sneaking up behind the Demon King and striking him on the back of his head with the staff, allowing Arthur to drive Excalibur into his chest.

�I thought you said this was going to be an honourable fight!� The Demon King gasped with his dying breath.
�Verily, I did speak those very words. However, mine wizard friend made no mention of such an agreement,� Arthur replied, �fare ye well, King of Demons.�

Merlin smacked Arthur on the back after the Demon King had finished his dying, before he pillaged the body for any magical artifacts. Arthur also discovered that the Demon King hadn�t eaten Guinevere, but a straw doll that she had craftily made up of herself to fool him. Released from the Demon King�s spell, Lancelot returned to normal and went about guarding Guinevere as closely as he could. And thus did the (remaining) Knights of the Round Table return victorious to their castle for a feast.

�It is good to be home!� Lancelot said, looking to Guinevere, �shall I escort you back to my quarters, my Lady?�
�That�s very kind of you, Sir Knight,� Guinevere smiled in reply.
�I shalt never leave this castle again. Mine questing days are over!� Arthur said.
�I�m glad you said that, my liege,� Merlin said, �I will do my best to advise you, for I am your ever-present servant.�

�King Arthur! There are reports of a Prince of the Demon King demanding that your head be bought to us on a silver platter!� A messenger cried.
�Merlin, what dost thou advise?� Arthur asked.
But the wizard was no-where to be seen�

Lol, that was a lot to read, but it was fun ^__^
Tis verily good indeed, thou shouldst post some more! (ahem, sorry)

I wonder,...if Arthur and the knight's of round have really existed...?

I hope they did !!!!

I'm a huge fan of Arthur's Tales, and I must say, that was hillarious! Well done Bahamut ZERO.
Got any more?

lol, tis merryment indeed. quite an amusing story. we have similar humours, me thinks.

Well, some demanded a sequel, and unknown to me I wrote half of one sometime ago... Finished today in a moment of boredom, here it is...

"King Arthur sighed as he slouched back in the throne as the gentleman continued to drone on in a dull, monotone voice about his credentials and strengths, and outlined his basic weaknesses. Arthur was yawning the moment the man had spoken his name, a name that Arthur could no longer remember. Next to him, his lovely bride Guinevere was conversing quietly with Sir Lancelot, the two occasionally giggling in his direction. On his other side, the mighty magician Merlin had given up all pretence of being interested and now openly yawned in front of the pompous ass in front of him.

�Thank you for your time, gentle sir. Verily, mine Knights and I shall converse upon one another and move towards a decision henceforth as to whether you fit the requirements of one of our mighty holy order,� Arthur said gravely once he�d noticed the man was standing there in silence awaiting for a response.
�I beg your pardon?� The man asked.
�He said piss off,� Excalibur, the most holy of swords, replied.

The man bowed low and left the throne room when Merlin perked up suddenly.
�Oh, mind that top step on your way down,� He said with a smile even as he weaved his fingers.
There was a grunt of acknowledgement, followed by a startled oath and the sound of bone against stone as the man tumbled down them.

�If only your spells were as useful in combat,� Excalibur sighed.
�It wasn�t MY fault Sir Gawain got turned into a toad on the last quest!� Merlin objected venomously.
�Yet you were the only magic user in the whole party Merlin,� Excalibur sighed.

Arthur rose his hand and the duo silenced themselves, even as he slumped back into his chair and held his hand to his head.
�Verily, we art in a poor situation. Mine Knights are all but dead, we number but five now after Sir Gawain�s unfortunate accident. We must recruit more to our number, lest we be invaded by the French again,� Arthur said.

Merlin seemed to visibly shudder at the thought of another French invasion.
�That last one was nasty Arthur. Yet they keep coming back,� He said.
�Truthfully so, Merlin. They art our neighbours, and must we at least greet them courteously, ask them what they please, and then, once the naives have responded, then can we drive them off our lawn and into the sea, where God�s mighty fish can chew upon them,� Arthur said.
�Sharks, Arthur. They�re called sharks,� Lancelot replied.

Arthur nodded in acknowledgement before lifting the scroll off of his lap and looking at it.
�Let me see. Our next applicant is a wry fellow, one of good stock and upbringing,� Arthur said, �verily, his name doth bring fear to the hearts of any of mine opponents.�
�� You can�t read, can you, your Majesty?� Sir Galahad asked from a quiet corner of the throne room.
�� Nay, Sir Knight. Even thy King, mighty as he is, has his flaws,� Arthur confessed.
�Allow me to read it for you, your Majesty,� Sir Bedivere offered, walking from his corner of concealment, hands extended for the scroll.
�I thank thee, Sir Knight. Thine dedication to thy Liege-Lord shall not go un-noticed,� Arthur said gratefully, handing over the scroll.

Bedivere took the scroll, and lifted it up, clearing his throat before speaking.
�My Lords and Lady, Horace Homaratio, of Wessex,� Bedivere spoke.
�Next!� Excalibur roared.
�But we haven�t seen the applicant,� Merlin replied with a raised eyebrow.
�Horace? HORACE??? What sort of a name for a night is that? Arise, Sir Horace? It just doesn�t work,� Excalibur sniffed disdainfully.

Arthur nodded his agreement and motioned that Bedivere announce the next applicant.
�My Lords and Lady, I give to you Cloud Strife of Nibelheim,� Bedivere spoke.
�Is Cloud an adequate name?� Merlin asked.
�Just,� Excalibur admitted, �I�ll need to look at this one before I dismiss him.�

The applicant walked in, standing tall and proud as he approached the throne room. He had spiky blonde hair, big blue eyes, no discernable mouth or nose, square hands and limbs and a huge sword strapped to his back. His clothes were a navy blue and non-descript, and his eyes glowed as if infused with magic.

�King Arthur, I am Cloud Strife, I am here for the position as Knight of the Round,� Cloud said.
�I welcome thee Cloud Strife, to Camelot Castle. May I ask thee, what are thine qualifications for the job at hand?� Arthur asked.
�Well, I managed to kill a God,� Cloud replied.
�You killed GOD?� Merlin asked.
�Well, a guy who thought he was God,� Cloud replied

Arthur�s eyes narrowed, and he looked at the newcomer with open hatred. Moving fluidly, Arthur flicked his wrist and threw the gauntlet. The sign of the challenge didn�t go amiss from Cloud�s eyes, but the fact was the gauntlet didn�t hit the ground like the normal sign of the challenge. The gauntlet hit Cloud in the face.
�You can tell he�s English, can�t you? Missing an easy throw like that,� Excalibur sighed.

Cloud spat some teeth out even as he drew his sword, a huge two handed weapon that glowed with energy.
�You�re going to die for that, so called King of England!� Cloud spat.
�Verily, with God at mine side, I shalt slay thee, demon. Accursed speaker of lies, thou shalt feel mine holy fury!� Arthur replied.

Lancelot took to his feet, looking at his king wearing no armour, and then looking at the warrior in front of him holding a sword bigger than Lancelot himself.
�Merlin, I think we might want to apologise to that guy,� Lancelot said.
Silence followed, and Lancelot turned to see that Merlin, characteristically, had disappeared at the first sign of danger. Lancelot sighed and drew his own sword.
�Wait here, my Queen. I shall return for a victory snog,� He said.

Arthur stood, Excalibur in his hands, as he circled Cloud. The shiny blue eyes of the warrior were off-putting. Cloud�s muscles rippled as he shifted the weight of the sword.
�OMNISLASH!� The warrior yelled.
Lancelot noticed the energy flash and winced. Arthur tried to block the fifteen blow combo as best as he could, but Lancelot decided that maybe England could do with a new King.

However, by either skill or just sheer luck, Arthur fell over. Cloud was thrown off his feet and hit the floor. Arthur stood and put Excalibur to Cloud�s throat.
�Verily, mine faith has been proved. Thine unsure footing has seen thee smite mine floor, and in that smiting, your guilt as an usurper of God has been proven,� Arthur said.

Cloud looked up and blinked, obviously not understanding a word that Arthur was saying.
�Enough,� A voice said from the back of the room.
Lancelot�s eyes turned to a figure standing in the door frame. He wore a red coat, one arm tucked inside, and carried a sword that matched the size of that of Cloud Strife. Arthur�s eyes glared as he looked to the new newcomer.

�My name is Auron. I have come for the post of Knight of the Round Table. I see you�re having a bit of difficulty, your Majesty. Would you like me to remove this heathen?� The newcomer asked.
�Verily, a man after my own heart. Very well. Arise, Sir Auron. Thine bearing and thine speech make me believe that thou art indeed honest,� Arthur replied.

Auron inclined his head and walked over to Cloud. Lancelot took in a deep breath as the elder man picked the younger up by the scruff of the neck and carried him out of the throne room. Cloud�s cursing further confirmed to Arthur that he was indeed in league with the demons of Hell.

�My honour to serve with you, your Majesty,� Auron said when he returned.
�Verily, it is good to have such a man as yourself by mine side,� Arthur replied, �and now that we have a new Knight, it is time for us to leave on another quest.�
�ANOTHER quest?� Merlin groaned, having mysteriously re-appeared when trouble had left, �I should�ve hidden longer.�
�This quest shalt be mine most difficult task,� Arthur continued.

Auron inclined his head.
�Well, the sooner we leave, the sooner you can successful,� He said, �no time to waste, let�s go��

� In the shadows, watching, waiting, was a presence. Feeling the power emanating from the new Knight, the presence begun to feel fear for the first time. Could this new being, this new warrior, this Auron, possibly beat some competence into the Knights of the Round Table? Time would tell, and the presence could for now only watch and wait�"

Bravo BZ yet another hillarious masterpiece!

Keep 'em coming!

Before I post the next installment, special mention to Anna (Misao) for letting me steal one of the lines she's used in chat and putting it into this story. (She'll know the one if she ever reads this.)

Okay, onward...

"� �We are sailing! We are SAILING!!! STORMY WATERS!!!� Sir Bedivere sang, swaying across the bow of the boat.
�Methinks Sir Gawain can not hold his liquor, Sir Knight,� Arthur said, looking to the newest Knight of the Round Table, a certain Sir Auron.
�He�s a fecking light-weight, that�s what he is!� Excalibur snapped back.
�He�s young. He�ll learn, your Majesty,� Auron replied, lifting his flask to his lips.

Arthur sighed melancholically, before casting his gaze back to the other three members of the party. Sir Galahad, Sir Lancelot and the great wizard Merlin had stood at the other end of the ship to play a game of slapsies. Merlin had offered to join in, until he noted that the Knights had not removed their gauntlets. Taking a look at the force of the blows, the wizard�s face had paled and he had mumbled something about fighting the water dragon following them and then mysteriously disappeared.

�Arthur. Do you have any clue what the fuck we�re doing?� Excalibur asked.
�Verily, mine holy sword. We art on a quest of the highest import,� Arthur replied.
�Which is?� Excalibur asked.
�We search for a holy artefact. An object that, given to the correct user, shall grant them the Divine judgement of God itself. A most holy relic�� Arthur begun to say.
�If you tell me this is a Holy Grail, you and I are both going for a swim, Arthur,� Excalibur growled.

Arthur stopped his talking, and looked to Auron appealingly. The man however, was looking to the stars, his eyes hidden behind dark glasses.
�No, most holy sword. The object we seek is not a holy grail. No, the French have the only holy grail that mine mind can thinkest of,� Arthur said, �no, we seekest the� Holy Underpants!�
�That�s it, we�re going for a swim,� Excalibur said.

Auron rose his hand as Excalibur begun to drag Arthur towards the edge of the boat. The outstretched hand caught the King of England, and Auron pointed out into the ocean.
�It comes,� Auron said.
�What? What comeths?� Arthur asked.

The sea begun to boil, and Lancelot and Galahad stopped their slapsies game to walk over to join Arthur and Auron. Bedivere had stopped his drunken singing and was being violently, drunkenly ill over the edge of the ship. Merlin appeared just behind Arthur.

�Thinkest thou that we art in trouble, mighty wizard?� Arthur asked.
�I�ll only say that I�m grateful my robes were brown before we started travelling,� Merlin replied.
�We called it� Quim,� Auron said.
�Quim!?� Lancelot asked, before busting out into laughter.

Auron didn�t look behind as Lancelot started to roll about on the deck.
�Distantly related to spam, Quim is an evil that is beyond compare. It is beyond our current experience to defeat,� Auron said.
�Auron, with all due respect, the six year old one legged children�s society for knitting are beyond our experience to defeat,� Merlin said.

Lancelot shuffled uncomfortably on the spot, before punching Bedivere in the face. The knight yelped in pain, before spitting a couple of teeth out.
�What was that for?� Bedivere drunkenly mumbled.
�I was making sure we were awake,� Lancelot replied.
Bedivere�s eyes remained glazed as his brain tried to come up with a response, but failed. He settled for being sick some more.

�I do not doubt thine words, Sir Auron. But never before hast mine Knights backed away from a fight. With mine sword, and the magic of Merlin, thy enemy known as Quim shalt fall. God as my witness, Quim, thou shalt perish under mine blade!� Arthur yelled.
�Please, Arthur, if you�re going to make threats, make them a little more quietly,� Merlin sighed.
�Do you think we�ll ever get to see land again?� Lancelot asked Galahad.
�Of course father. I trust Arthur�s judgement totally,� Galahad replied.
�Liar,� Lancelot muttered.

The Knights stood poised, ready for any movement by Quim to attack. The beast, which looked disturbingly similar to a creature called Sin from a previous adventure of Auron�s (but for reasons of copyright infringement, it isn�t), looked at the ship, before diving under.
�Thinkest thou that the creature is fearful of us?� Arthur asked, his eyes gleaming.
Merlin burst out laughing and collapsed onto the deck of the ship.
�No. But for some reason, it isn�t ready to destroy us,� Auron replied, �whoever it is that wants you not to get the Holy Underpants obviously isn�t ready to crush you to your horrible, horrible death just yet.�

Auron turned away and begun to walk to the cabin. He turned to look at the laughing wizard.
�You�d better do something to quieten him. Quim might return if it thinks that we�re belittling it,� Auron said.
�Okay, I�ll stop laughing,� Merlin replied, standing up, �just don�t hurt me.�
�Damn,� Lancelot growled, putting his sword back into its sheath�

� Dawn broke and the ship reached the coastline of the Netherlands. Arthur departed first, and the Knights made their way into the port town they had arrived at, searching for a tavern.
�Was it wise to leave Guinevere in charge, your Majesty?� Bedivere asked, having sobered up.
�Methinks it was not a bad idea, Sir Knight. Guinevere hast the advisors aplenty to aid her shouldst the French try to invade again,� Arthur sighed in reply.

�Great, we�ll find the Holy Underpants and there�ll be no kingdom for us to return home to,� Merlin muttered.
�You worry too much,� Lancelot replied to the wizard.
�She got her shoes on the wrong feet when we left, Sir Knight. Her shoes! I wouldn�t have minded too much, but one had a big �L� on it, and the other a big �R.��

Arthur turned his gaze to the two, and they fell silent. The town appeared to be almost deserted, and there were signs of a battle, mainly corpses, burning buildings and arrows and weapons scattered everywhere.
�Thinkest thou rape and pillaging?� Arthur asked Lancelot.
�No. I think someone�s beaten us to it Arthur,� Lancelot sighed.

Arthur�s eyes narrowed and he punched Lancelot in the face. The Knight spat out some more teeth, and looked back at the King with injured, puppy dog eyes. Auron raised his hand before anyone could say anything.
�We have company,� He said.

A mage stepped from around the corner, his eyes gleaming as he focused upon Merlin. The wizard stiffened, and then took a couple of steps forward.
�Brother,� The new mage said.
�Boris,� Merlin spat.

Bedivere burst out laughing and fell to the floor, as Boris cast him an evil look. He waved his arm once and Bedivere suddenly stopped laughing. Indeed, Bedivere was now a chicken. Doing a dance. That looked remarkably similar to the funky chicken�
�You go TOO FAR brother!� Merlin snapped.
�Do something Merlin, lest we all be slain by this foul heathen!� Arthur said.

Merlin rose his hand as Boris threw a fireball at him. The fire dissipated and sizzled in Merlin�s hand, and the wizard grunted before returning the fireball in a purple colour.
�You want to play brother? You wanna play? Let�s get it on, bitch! Show me your best magic! SHOW IT!!!� Boris snarled.
�You want asshole mega magic? I�ll give you asshole mega magic!!!� Merlin snarled in reply.

Merlin struck his staff in the ground, and begun to stretch out his arms. The sky itself started to darken with cloud as flame, small at first, begun to gather on the point of the staff. Lightening struck that flame, bringing about more flame. And more flame. The sky was almost black as the ball of flame grew to engulf Merlin�s outstretched hands as well as the point of the staff. Still, the wizard concentrated as the flame took on an eerie green colour. Boris took one look at the spell and saw death within it�s power, as the flame itself was not destructive, but what was contained within the flame, and that beast within was about to be released.

�Curse you brother! We shall meet again!!!� Boris snarled.
And with that, Boris went up in a puff of smoke and left.

Merlin smiled as the spell disappeared in an instant. He picked up his staff and straightened his hat before walking over to the gaping knights and the clucking chicken that was Bedivere.
�Come on, let�s go find these holy underpants,� Merlin chuckled.
�You jammy git! You managed to bluff him!� Excalibur growled.
�I don�t know what you�re talking about sword,� Merlin replied, �that was my ultimate spell.�
�� Right, Merlin, whatever you say. Dumb-ass,� Excalibur muttered under its breath.

Arthur picked up the still clucking Bedivere, and, with a face set in mourning, looked across the land.
�Onward we must travel, mine Knights. When thou feelest up to it, Merlin, thou canst heal mine brother Knight,� Arthur said, �onward, to our goal��"

Pulling this thread out of moth-balls (seems silly not to keep all the posts together seeing as it's a sequential thing... Yeah.)

The latest installment:-

"The rain hammered down upon what had been a freshly burnished breastplate, but what was now smeared with grim, mud and a fair bit of dirt. The horse underneath him snorted its disgust at being forced to travel in such conditions once more, even going so far as to trying to throw the rider off into the mud. Arthur had fallen for that trick once already today. It had taken the Knights of the Round Table a solid twenty minutes to find where his crown had rolled to. Lancelot had found it and gravely returned it to his King, his face one of sorrow. One of the points had been scratched in ever such a slight way.

The King had not been amused. He had been about ready to slay the horse until Sir Auron, looking at him through dark glasses even though the stars were out shining, intervened.
�Do you really want to walk the rest of the distance between here and the castle, your Majesty?� He had asked in his cool, calm voice.
�Thou hast a good point, mine brother Knight,� Arthur agreed finally, �verily, thou shalt live, accursed horse, until I can see that mine vengeance can be sought.�

The horse had replied by butting Arthur back to the mud.

Arthur was glad of the rain in this situation. It had washed the worst of the mud off of him, although the hoof-print in his face would take a while to heal. Merlin had looked at the injury soon afterwards, whilst trying not to lose the dancing chicken that was Bedivere. After a moment�s check, Merlin had promised that it wouldn�t scar though, and Arthur�s heart was lifted by that. Lancelot shook his head.
�All the chicks dig a scar, Arthur,� He explained.
�I already have mine beautiful wife, Sir Lancelot,� Arthur sighed dreamily.
�Yeah, I know,� Lancelot sighed dreamily in reply.

Galahad re-appeared from around the next fork in the road, his face grave. Arthur immediately shift Excalibur up ready to draw it at a second�s notice. Merlin immediately started looking for places to hide in the trees.
�A problem, Sir Knight?� Arthur asked with a frown.
�Maybe your Majesty,� Galahad replied, �there�s a village up ahead, and they�re burning something that I think you should see.�

Arthur nodded sagely, and followed Galahad to the clearing. There was a large fire in the basin of the village, and people appeared to be gathered around it. Arthur�s nose flared, fearing the worst.
�Art thou thinking what I am thinking, Sir Knight?� Arthur demanded, his body shaking.
�It did cross my mind, your Majesty,� Galahad replied sagely, �I had a bad feeling that they were sacrificing animals to the fire in some bizarre ritual to the devil. I thought, as Knights of God, we should do something about it.�

The King nodded and begun to draw his sword, but Galahad caught his King�s wrist.
�We should get the others to join us too your Majesty,� He warned, �while we two could probably handle this, they should at least be given the option to join us.�
�Alas, I fear you are right Sir Knight,� Arthur sighed, �mine honour doth compel me to offer such a chance to mine brothers-in-arms.�
�They still might say no, your Majesty,� Galahad grinned.

Arthur�s returning grin was positively infectious, although slightly marred by the angry red mark on his face. The pair walked back to the clearing. Merlin, Auron and Lancelot were talking quietly as Bedivere clucked and danced.
�Verily, Sir Galahad hath discovered something that doth concern us all,� Arthur said, quickly outlining the situation to everyone.

�Pardon me about being completely fecking blunt here Arthur,� Excalibur said with its usual panache, �but perhaps the people in this village have merely killed a sheep and are, you know, eating it? Like you ate that chicken the other day?�

Bedivere begun to cluck extremely erratically and leapt fully four feet in the air and begun to dance away from the party. Merlin was there as quick as a flash, grabbing the chicken up in his arms and looking at Excalibur sourly.
�What did I say?� The sword asked innocently.
�Nay, good holy sword. Thou art too kind hearted to see through this simple deception,� Arthur replied.
�WHAT??? ME??? KIND???� Excalibur spluttered, �Arthur, what narcotic substances are you on, and could you hand some down to me whilst we�re riding?�

Auron rose his hand and bought silence to the party.
�I agree in part with the sword, your Majesty,� He said, putting his fingers to his chin, �but we can�t overlook the fact that they could be our worst enemy��
�� THE FRENCH!� Arthur gasped.
�� No, King Arthur. Minions of Boris,� Auron completed, �we should ride in and check it out.�

The Knights of the Round Table rounded up, Merlin keeping a safe distance behind as he clutched the still madly struggling Bedivere in his arms. The Knights stopped at the top of the valley and saw again that mad funeral pyre. People stood around it laughing rowdily, men and women, out of wed Arthur bet, were holding hands, even cuddling. He felt his blood boil even as he drew Excalibur.

�Charge, my Knights!� He roared, �CHARGE! We shalt hath the head of the leader of these villains upon a pike for thine crimes!�
�For God and country!� Lancelot roared.
�FOR GOD AND COUNTRY!� Galahad bellowed.
�Oh boy,� Excalibur sighed.

The horses charged down the crest and into the basin of the village. The Knights were screaming challenges as they rode down, and Arthur sought the leader of the village, hoping to find him and remove his head with one foul swoop.

The only thing Arthur did find was the muddy ground once again�

� It took him a while to regain focus and his ears rung as he slowly sat up. He blinked a couple of times and shook his head, looking up. Awe filled his heart. Standing above him was another Knight, perhaps six feet three in height, and with short black hair. The knight�s eyes glowed a misty dull green in the fire as he stood in his non-rain-mud-blood smeared armour. His white cloak fluttered in the breeze. At his side was a sword that looked strangely familiar to Excalibur.

�Can I help you?� The knight asked calmly.
�What art thou doing?� Arthur demanded.
�We�re having a barbeque,� The knight replied, looking over to where others stood seemingly unconcerned by the Knights of the Round Table, �care to join us?�
�What hast thou done to me?� Arthur wailed.
�I didn�t do nothing,� The knight shrugged, �your horse threw you free.�

Arthur blinked and angrily stood, lifting Excalibur to strike down the knave who would talk down to him so. The knight�s actions blurred and Excalibur shot out of Arthur�s hand and skidded across the ground. The knight held his own sword drawn to Arthur�s throat, his eyes boring a hole into the King�s. Arthur felt sweat gather at the top of his head.

�So� You don�t like barbeques?� The knight asked.
�Well�� Arthur begun to explain.
�Are you getting us into trouble again Arthur?� Lancelot asked as he was accompanied over by other armed knights.
�He�s always getting us into trouble,� Excalibur sighed.

The knight turned towards the sword and his eyes widened. A smile crept across his face.
�Oh, how droll. The sword I�ve been fecking searching for finds me instead,� He grinned, �welcome back to your brother, Excalibur.�
�Brother?� Excalibur asked sharply.
�Don�t look at me,� Merlin replied with an injured tone as Arthur shot him a dark look.

The knight sheathed his sword in one of the sheaths, before putting Excalibur in the one on the opposite side. Somehow it looked complete. Right.
�Thou canst not! Excalibur is mine!� Arthur yelled.
�Sure. Whatever,� The knight replied with a shrug, going to his horse and looking to his fellow knights, �sorry I can�t stick guys, but I�d best get to the Castle of Eternal Torment, Death and Destruction before these idiots decide to follow me to reclaim their sword.�

The knight leapt onto his sword and turned it around to face the exit of the settlement.
�Who art thou?� Arthur demanded, �knave! I shalt have thine liver!�
The knight stopped once more.
�I am named Nexadam, King of England,� The knight replied.

The knight turned around and rode out of the village. Nexadam�s knights moved in to take the Knights of the Round Table into custody.
�Well, we�re fairly screwed at this point,� Lancelot muttered�

Will the knights be able to escape this ploy? Will Arthur be able to retrieve the holy sword Excalibur? Will Bedivere ever stop dancing? Will I ever write any more? The answers, some or none, to these questions are coming."

Omg I sooo love this story, I congratulate you once again for a well-worth-my-time read.

Bedivere had better stop dancing, it's not good for his health O.o;