This is the first full narration of a Fantasy/Sci-fi/Romance that I am currently writing. I've already designed the plot of this story. In fact I have 10 pages of typed notes for it. But, I would like to get some input on narration style, and language devices on this first chapter of my newest story (it's actually a redo) but the plot has changed slightly and the narration style is completely different. The scenes are also modified in actions. Anyway, I REALLY need input, since most of my beta readers are a little reluctant to give me mechanical critisism and only compliment the plot. So, I have attached a .txt since it's the only text file I'm allowed to attach without zipping it. Anyway, thank you for your input.

The style and plot seem very well thought out. I like it.

There is just one thing I would recommend. The intro that briefly describes the premise was the only part I didn't like. If possible, I find it's more effective to incorporate that kind of thing into the actual telling of the story. Insert facts about it into the dialogue so the reader can piece together what happened themselves; that way, not only does it seem more natural, it also helps keep the reader interested because they will be gradually piecing together what happened... in other words, it's one more thing for them to be on the edge of their seat about.

Keep it up. You are a very skilled writer.