I wrote this for a friend but she isn’t able to read it – tell me what you think – honest critique please.



edit: had to remove.

I got four differnt pictures. It seems the paragraphs are not link up together as they are sending different messages, i think. They are like the beginnings of four poems. And it is too short.

I like the format a lot actually, but I'm having trouble figuring out what it is you're trying to say. If this poem is meant to eventually be read by the person, you may need footnotes...if its meant for you to just express your feelings without the person ever knowing....then it looks like it gets the job done!

Thanks for the comments - really appreciate it.
It's kinda meant to be that way - the Start/Stall/Stop/End is supposed to be disruptive - maybe too much though? Maybe it alienates the reader?
I find it works better if you give it voice.
Unfortunately the person is dead, so they can't read it... it's a response to losing a close friend.
Thanx again for your input. =)

Oh wow....well if that's the case I don't think you should change it at all. The real purpose is within you, so adjusting it to cater to the reader would only dilute the original feeling you had while writing it, I think. It would almost be like commercializing a song you wrote to fit the general public's preferences. If your target was the audience, then that would be a different story altogether.

...It would almost be like commercializing a song you wrote to fit the general public's preferences..

I like that analogy a lot - thanks.
I thought the title "sleeping soil" made the circumstances clear - I guess not. I have to say, you seem quite adept with words, I would guess you studied English beyond the required curriculum.
Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Thanks man! I actually never took any advanced creative writing classes. I had to do a lot of technical writing in my master's program though...and I'm an artist, so I guess that helps. =)

Keep on writing though...I'd be glad to comment on whatever you post!

Keep on writing though...I'd be glad to comment on whatever you post!

Thanks - appreciate that. I occasionally put pen to graphics-tablet too, you got a page I can check out?
I joined up with deviant art just a few days ago.

Yeah, I have a few things up, but sadly none of it is very recent. Between work and being married, I don't have a whole lot of time for fun stuff anymore. I am working on an iPhone app right now though, but I only recently began working on the UI graphics.

Here's my deviant art page:

http://mr3dphd.deviantart.com/

And here's some more work I have up on 3dBuzz...which, by the way, is an amazing community for developing artists!

http://www.3dbuzz.com/gallery/showgallery.php?cat=500&ppuser=153996

If you have time, you should swing by the 3d Buzz IRC sometime. I usually hang out there while I'm at work. If I'm on, I'm either Mr3d_PHD or TylerDurden, depending on my mood. =)

http://www.3dbuzz.com/vbforum/sv_irc.php


Where's your Deviant Art page?

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You're unique style isn't limited to your writing I see! You've got a very strange mix, I'd say. Several of your works, in all honesty, seem VERY professional! I'm really like perdition, adrift in thought, half turn and church. All VERY good! perdition in particular...I think it envokes more emotion than any of the others. Very creepy...I love it. As for the cat ones, the problem isn't that they aren't done well, its that they're very "standard" if that makes sense. What you've done has sadly become all too popular with people who "just learned how to use filters in Photoshop", and although yours were clearly done with more than applying a filter, they aren't unique enough to really stand out. I do like how you brought the tones in and made each one different in that sense, but I dunno...that's a really tough style to make pop I think. I'm also on the fence with some of the two tone portraits. I really like Elizabeth Taylor, but the others are a bit confusing, if that makes sense. In other words, it's a bit hard to really see what's going on there. Now that may be what you were going for...and that's the beauty of art. In reality, what I get out of it doesn't mean a damn thing. The next guy may very well say the complete opposite.

Anyway, as far as technical quality goes, I'm not the best person to get advice from. I'm not formally trained in too much 2d art other than photography and photo chopping. My forte is 3d modeling. I do spend a great deal of time with fine artists (at Buzz), and to me it looks like you're pretty damn good for the styles you work in. In some of your work (death for example) it seems that you need definite work on human form...but then in other ones like adrift in thought, it seems as though you nailed it perfect. Of course, its hard to tell with digital art which of these were originally from photos and which were hand drawn with the tablet.

Thanks for the compliments, by the way! Yeah, that door photo....some people love it and some hate it. Its one of my favorites. It was taken at Cape Canaveral AFB a few years ago in an area near some of the old launch complexes that is completely abandoned and falling apart. I got a lot of great photos from that shoot! Man...you need to get a camera again. To me, its the greatest form of art. I could shoot all day every day and never get bored with it! You can get a nice Nikon D60 kit for pretty cheap...especially if you get one second hand!

Anyway, hope this helped!