My friend is writing a really good book that�s about dragons and magic and normal �human being� problems linked together. Since she wanted some opinions I thought I would post it here for you lot to make comments and stuff. She writes a lot about moral versus duty and she adds quite a bit of humour to make up for the very sad sections of this book (and there�s quite a few)

This is the extract:

A dark memory replayed backwards and forwards in his mind and the more eerie phenomenon was that it felt like something wanted him to remember it. Alarmed and with a jolt, Lynx started to walk away. His swift paces speeded up into a jog and then into a rapid run. Getting faster and faster, swifter and swifter, Lynx�s steps broke uneven; his feet started to forget the earth. He thrust himself up into the air with the wind surging past his skin�He widened his arms to sail through the lonely starlight.
Up through the night, Lynx soared the skies with each swoop and each breath being of pure magic. He dived down lower and lower till he
was only a few meters higher than the metallic metropolitan�s illuminating land. He could nearly touch the frosty pavements as he flew in between people like a gust of wind. People from a flowing haze of traffic shouted and waved in wonder. Lynx curiously smiled back to them in equal yet different unique marvel.
Suddenly picking up speed, like a shooting star he hurdled back into the skies looking like a blazing star with a tail made of midnight rainbows. It disappeared in the time and space of the breath it would have taken away. Like pouring rain, gigantic dove white wings streamed out of Lynx as he glided through the skyscrapers dodging them by millimetres.
And then Lynx realised that he was not flying aimlessly. He realised that he had a destination and that destination was to isolation and remoteness. Lynx realised that he was departing; he was going on a journey for peace and serenity. This is the point when Lynx had left the land where people knew him by his name to sink into the mellow twilight.


This is what she would like to say:

'The extract you just read comes from a pretty bizzare book, (the 5th in a series, I write backwards) called 'the Master of Enchantment', which is a fantasy based on reality. It's a descriptive bit about flying, (you might have noticed) and any useful comments are welcome on it. Feel free to donate me your own descriptive writing words for me to steal to the I'm-on-a-damn-writer's-block-again- charity.'

All I have to say is:



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA






Ok, I'll be serious...





































































HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA







That is all.

If your not gonna say anything kind then don't say anything at all.
I'm happy you took 5 minutes of your life to write haha over and over again!!

I say again If your not gonna say anything kind then don't say anything at all.

Wait a sec... so you don't want anyone to tell you that shit is shit? You WANT people to suck your dick and tell you that this god-awful nonsense is worth reading? Grow up and develop a brain or get out of the gene pool at once.

Seriously, what the fuck was that? The character's name alone warrants this as utter unimaginative garbage. What's his inevitable sidekick's/rival's name going to be? Jackal?

Not to mention the style of writing is very. Very repetitive. That style of repetition. It repeats. Oh so annoying to read. Annoying and not at all something that will make your writing sound more "epic" or "deep." No, your friend's writing is neither "epic" nor "deep."

Wait a sec... so you don't want anyone to tell you that shit is shit? You WANT people to suck your dick and tell you that this god-awful nonsense is worth reading? Grow up and develop a brain or get out of the gene pool at once.

No I'm just saying that if your nt gonna help us like noskillbassist is then don't say anything!

Seriously, what the fuck was that? The character's name alone warrants this as utter unimaginative garbage. What's his inevitable sidekick's/rival's name going to be? Jackal?

Not to mention the style of writing is very. Very repetitive. That style of repetition. It repeats. Oh so annoying to read. Annoying and not at all something that will make your writing sound more "epic" or "deep." No, your friend's writing is neither "epic" nor "deep."

thnx for the tip
ill make sure the author gets it
(btw his "sidekick"'s name is Serra)

I'll offer some constructive critisism. First off, the story's doesn't flow very well. The sentences end really abrubtly. Also, the theme is just really, really, REALLY lame. Sorry, but it's true. It's like spiderman as an anime character. Some of your vocabulary sounds unnatural, like "Lynx curiously smiled back to them in equal yet different unique marvel." I honestly can't picture that in my mind.

However, it has good use of adjectives, like "mellow twilight" although some of them are a bit over the top, "Lynx soared the skies with each swoop and each breath being of pure magic" for example."

It's not that bad though, and the more your write, the better you get, so tell your friend to revise it and try writing some shory stories before attempting an entire book.

thnx ill tell her

I think she really has some talent. But her long descriptions and literatural works makes it a little boring . she must be more quick for what she is telling. But its a very good and it has a good future. good luck to he.....no not her good luck to you:). because you are very shy to say " i wrote this " so you say my friend. you cant trick me. i write too and i sometimes use this tactic...;) ;)

I think she really has some talent. But her long descriptions and literatural works makes it a little boring . she must be more quick for what she is telling. But its a very good and it has a good future. good luck to he.....no not her good luck to you:). because you are very shy to say " i wrote this " so you say my friend. you cant trick me. i write too and i sometimes use this tactic...;) ;)

The Author: Actually I'm the one who wrote it, not Paarish. The reason I didn't put my name on it is because:
a) I'm the shy one and b)THE FBI ARE AFTER ME...
No but seriously, thank you so much for your comment...
It's very useful and you've given me faith that maybe not eveyone (possibly excluding Paarish) is not complete jerks...
PS: I'm a girl. And I prefer Chrono Trigger

Paarish:btw im more on the music side of fantasy and stuff. I don't post any of my stuff because they are S**T

I'll offer some constructive critisism. First off, the story's doesn't flow very well. The sentences end really abrubtly. Also, the theme is just really, really, REALLY lame. Sorry, but it's true. It's like spiderman as an anime character. Some of your vocabulary sounds unnatural, like "Lynx curiously smiled back to them in equal yet different unique marvel." I honestly can't picture that in my mind.

However, it has good use of adjectives, like "mellow twilight" although some of them are a bit over the top, "Lynx soared the skies with each swoop and each breath being of pure magic" for example."

It's not that bad though, and the more your write, the better you get, so tell your friend to revise it and try writing some shory stories before attempting an entire book.

Taking writing advice from someone who types like this, is like taking driving lessons from a parapalegic suffering from Down's Syndrome.

Taking writing advice from someone who types like this, is like taking driving lessons from a parapalegic suffering from Down's Syndrome.

i welcome any helpful suggestions

Taking writing advice from someone who types like this, is like taking driving lessons from a parapalegic suffering from Down's Syndrome.
Sorry what? Did I offend you in some way?

After careful reading of the whole post i felt i should apologize in advance for the ridiculous length of this stupid tirade.

Well, being the awesome storytelling guru that i am with 9 whole posts in this forum (number may vary at time of reading, like now), i'll flip a coin right now to decide whether or not i'll ad my own verbal diarrhea to this impressive clusterjoyjoy of bunnies and butterflies.
And it's heads.
Throughout history we've had good writers and those who were less so but still managed to sell, the latter category falling mostly into the hardcover tabloid market. Some of the former had studied the ways of writing, some had learned by experience, some were just total freaks who could be eloquent enough to convince you to jump down the eiffel tower to your doom, no matter how well you knew that you'd painfully break every bone in your body by smashing against the supporting structure before finally hitting the ground (i've no proof that such people exist but for the sake of full coverage i'll include them).

While trying not to fall into the self-righteous assumption that the following is indeed the case with your friend (led partly by her informed decision to ask for input on her writing ability in a forum ruled and populated by final fantasy fans), i'll mention a fourth demographic of the kid who saw too much good fantasy and way too much shitty fantasy and having connected the dots in his/her mind (or so he/she thought), saw the sudden dawning within herself that she could actually do that and be good at it.

Sure, it's a reasonable assumption. When i was around 17 i wrote my first screenplay and all the while though it was grade A material and i'd have hollywood begging me to sell it to them and become the director and star for good measure. A funny thing that happens though is the inevitable realization that every so inexperienced writer gets once the thought comes of actually reading or even thinking it aloud, which is something along the lines of "YOU SUCK", which is fine. There's not nearly as much wrong with it as every freak guitar hero player would like to think. It is however quite the obstacle if you're anywhere resembling serious about ever making it into that world, even when you have to work two jobs in addition just to keep your belly half full and a roof over your head, not to mention making a living out of it alone.

I don't mean to discourage your friend by any means. But even though i know not her experience nor anything else about her for that matter, that small segment which she apparently chose to show in aforementioned forum owned and ruled by fans discourages me.
I for one would very much like to sit here in this dark room, pouring gallons of snot from the cold i've recently caught, typing how much i enjoyed reading that tiny paragraph, about as much as other people enjoy typing capped laughter. I would however close it up with this insane theory that if you're persistent enough, you'll eventually get it, if you don't let yourself drown in your own despair every time you get a little more enlightened about your own work and reality comes crashing down, breaking your nose.

After careful reading of the whole post i felt i should apologize in advance for the ridiculous length of this stupid tirade.

Well, being the awesome storytelling guru that i am with 9 whole posts in this forum (number may vary at time of reading, like now), i'll flip a coin right now to decide whether or not i'll ad my own verbal diarrhea to this impressive clusterjoyjoy of bunnies and butterflies.
And it's heads.
Throughout history we've had good writers and those who were less so but still managed to sell, the latter category falling mostly into the hardcover tabloid market. Some of the former had studied the ways of writing, some had learned by experience, some were just total freaks who could be eloquent enough to convince you to jump down the eiffel tower to your doom, no matter how well you knew that you'd painfully break every bone in your body by smashing against the supporting structure before finally hitting the ground (i've no proof that such people exist but for the sake of full coverage i'll include them).

While trying not to fall into the self-righteous assumption that the following is indeed the case with your friend (led partly by her informed decision to ask for input on her writing ability in a forum ruled and populated by final fantasy fans), i'll mention a fourth demographic of the kid who saw too much good fantasy and way too much shitty fantasy and having connected the dots in his/her mind (or so he/she thought), saw the sudden dawning within herself that she could actually do that and be good at it.

Sure, it's a reasonable assumption. When i was around 17 i wrote my first screenplay and all the while though it was grade A material and i'd have hollywood begging me to sell it to them and become the director and star for good measure. A funny thing that happens though is the inevitable realization that every so inexperienced writer gets once the thought comes of actually reading or even thinking it aloud, which is something along the lines of "YOU SUCK", which is fine. There's not nearly as much wrong with it as every freak guitar hero player would like to think. It is however quite the obstacle if you're anywhere resembling serious about ever making it into that world, even when you have to work two jobs in addition just to keep your belly half full and a roof over your head, not to mention making a living out of it alone.

I don't mean to discourage your friend by any means. But even though i know not her experience nor anything else about her for that matter, that small segment which she apparently chose to show in aforementioned forum owned and ruled by fans discourages me.
I for one would very much like to sit here in this dark room, pouring gallons of snot from the cold i've recently caught, typing how much i enjoyed reading that tiny paragraph, about as much as other people enjoy typing capped laughter. I would however close it up with this insane theory that if you're persistent enough, you'll eventually get it, if you don't let yourself drown in your own despair every time you get a little more enlightened about your own work and reality comes crashing down, breaking your nose.
You're my new hero. If I could, and wasn't too lazy to do so, I'd put all of that in my signature.

It was the "gallons of snot" part, wasn't it?

No, but that will do.

Prak what is a good poem to mad lib for Creative Literature? I had Poe in mind...

Sorry what? Did I offend you in some way?

Your vast stupidity does annoy me, but it does not offend.

Your vast stupidity does annoy me, but it does not offend.
Somehow, I have a feeling you don't like me.

AUTHOR: I find it somewhat ironic that you said ‘I don't mean to discourage your friend by any means’ when before you said some fascinatingly encouraging phrases to me like ‘the kid who saw… way too much shitty fantasy and having connected the dots in his/her mind (or so he/she thought), saw the sudden dawning within herself that she could actually do that and be good at it.’ I think that for a writing guru that is a tiny bit of juxtaposition between opinions.
HOW DO YOU KNOW I AM NOT 75 YEARS OLD! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE ELDERLY CAN LEARN TO USE THE INTERNET TOO YOU KNOW! (Sorry, lame joke!)
But seriously (this isn’t just addressed to you, this is to virtually everyone else).
THIS IS A 10MIN THING I WROTE UP.
I was HALF ASLEEP.
Got that?
Do you know how many word document pages I have written?
210.
You are judging something that massive by a tiny fragment less than 0.5% of it. I hadn’t even checked over it myself! Looking at my word doc info, it says I’ve revised my edited half done story 29202 times. That’s how much I’ve edited it so far. The part you guys read hasn’t even been checked once! I kindly requested some opinions because I myself did not like the part I wrote so I wanted feedback on how to improve it.
Thank you for being the only one to have noticed ‘I know not her experience nor anything else about her for that matter, that small segment which she apparently chose to show’. I think you have a good sense and I really liked your slightly pessimistic yet at the same time mind bogglingly long fun email. You’ve got a good writing style. I also do that thing in writing with using negative words to describe positive things and versa.
Actually my book isn’t that much fantasy. I write a lot of reality, inspirations from
observing (and stalking) people and then use this to twist into unreality. At NO POINT have I ever believed this to be easy. Writing is one of the hardest arts of all, trying to describe life in tiny segments! To find describing unreality easy you would have to first master writing unreality. Clearly I haven’t done that and it may take me years, decades even to do so but I keep at it no matter how much you guys inspiringly break my heart. Actually, I noticed that before but you guys put the fact of it on a spear and kindly jabbed it through my eyes. Thanks!
I do not think your philosophy is insane. I think you’re pretty cool and a bit of a jerk in a nice oxymoronic way. Get well soon!
The FEMALE Author
PS. Anyone who believes the name ‘lynx’ is crappy has the brain the size of a goldfish’s pretty ass for believing the word only describes a bloody deodorant. It is the ancient word for ‘light’ (LOTS OF SYNMBOLISM!!!) and is a star constellation that is featured a lot in the book. It is also a species of snow cat that reflects the character’s personality a lot. I could go on but morons out there, start writing up their next response full of swear words because you don’t have the capabilities to describe things thus rely on vulgar language! Hope you get a nice life!
PSS. Please don’t write you suck in bold again. That’s the first thing that caught my eye in the email and it therefore it kind of hurt. Wait. Did you want it to hurt?

so, um...basically what i got from the passage was...the dude started flying, cause he had to start a journey of peace and serenity? that sounds pretty boring man

and i think u should start out by writing short stories and shit, to find out if anyone can actually make any sense of what ur trying to say, instead of busting out a 5 volume fantasy epic and asking us what we think based on a guy flying

The guru thing was sarcasm. The suck in caps thing was not meant to hurt but i kinda expected it might, the way it stood out and all. It just didn't have the same impact if it hadn't been like that.
As for the juxtaposition thing, you can't control what your words will do to everyone. I'll admit they were kinda harsh, but there was no other way to say it. Had i worded it nicer, it wouldn't have said what it did. And since you don't seem to have gotten discouraged then it didn't discourage you after all.
I actually try to be nice when writing this kind of thing but sometimes the words just end up writing themselves.

And i can kinda guess at your age by the way you write (could be wrong of course). It just has that kind of enthusiasm, and i can sort of see some kid that used to be me reflected on that.

Personally...I think Paarish wrote it. Really. I also abhor when someone posts something shitty, then tries to defend it by saying they didn't try, or it was done in ten minutes, or they were drunk, the sun was in their eyes, or (insert lame ass excuse here). I would NEVER post something on the internet for people to critique unless I put a mass amount of work into it....especially here. You might as well douse yourself in honey and run in bear-infested woods butt-naked.

And Lynx is cliche, as it's been used in everything, from video games, to fantasy books, to cartoons. Just because the name has history and symbolism, doesn't mean it hasn't been done to death. The only way you can redeem yourself is posting the work you actually WORKED on, not the one you did in "ten minutes" while "half-asleep".

Actually, I believe Luke meaning light of god may work well enough for your story. Although, he is right, Lynx is used everywhere it's become about as cliched as having the villain burn down the hero's village and letting the hero live out of pride.
EDIT: Forgot to mention, Shadowblade ranting doesn't make you look any less of an idiot, that's the very reason she posted it WAS to make it better. Try listening for once. Also paarish may have made this, or he may not have but does it really matter?

Actually, I believe Luke meaning light of god may work well enough for your story. Although, he is right, Lynx is used everywhere it's become about as cliched as having the villain burn down the hero's village and letting the hero live out of pride.
EDIT: Forgot to mention, Shadowblade ranting doesn't make you look any less of an idiot, that's the very reason she posted it WAS to make it better. Try listening for once. Also paarish may have made this, or he may not have but does it really matter?

I told her to change the name of the main charcter.
To me it just said cliche
and because she it is a fan of the chrono series and the a main character in chrono cross is LYNX (im not sure if he is bad or good yet but i think he is a bad character) but i dont think shes gonna change it

AUTHOR:
HOW DO YOU KNOW I AM NOT 75 YEARS OLD! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE ELDERLY CAN LEARN TO USE THE INTERNET TOO YOU KNOW! (Sorry, lame joke!)
But seriously (this isn?t just addressed to you, this is to virtually everyone else).
THIS IS A 10MIN THING I WROTE UP.
I was HALF ASLEEP.
Got that?
Trying to justify the horrible segment you chose with an even worse reason is just plain immature. Then again, trying to emphasize with all caps kind of shows your age.


Do you know how many word document pages I have written?
210.
Quality > Quantity


You are judging something that massive by a tiny fragment less than 0.5% of it. I hadn?t even checked over it myself!
Yes we are, because that's what you gave us. Unless we see the rest of your "genius", how are we supposed to critique it? Take your word for it? No, I think not, especially after that segment that, once again, you chose.


Looking at my word doc info, it says I?ve revised my edited half done story 29202 times. That?s how much I?ve edited it so far. The part you guys read hasn?t even been checked once! I kindly requested some opinions because I myself did not like the part I wrote so I wanted feedback on how to improve it.
Either you're too nit-picky about your own work, or you know it sucks hard and you're trying your damnedest to make it something worth reading. Also, why are you getting butt-hurt over our critique when you yourself don't particularly like it? Hell, you just admitted you didn't even care to edit or revise it before displaying it. So, how about you stop whining and reap what you sow?



Actually my book isn?t that much fantasy.
When your main character is a winged queer named "Lynx", it is that much fantasy.


I write a lot of reality, inspirations from
observing (and stalking) people and then use this to twist into unreality.
. . .


At NO POINT have I ever believed this to be easy. Writing is one of the hardest arts of all, trying to describe life in tiny segments! To find describing unreality easy you would have to first master writing unreality. Clearly I haven?t done that and it may take me years, decades even to do so but I keep at it no matter how much you guys inspiringly break my heart. Actually, I noticed that before but you guys put the fact of it on a spear and kindly jabbed it through my eyes. Thanks!
You're welcome, now stop crying and write something decent. If you want someone to say it's the best shit they've read since a A Tale of Two Cities, show it to your mother.



The FEMALE Author
We get it. You've a vagina and will grow tits when you hit puberty. We're also not impressed.


PS. Anyone who believes the name ?lynx? is crappy has the brain the size of a goldfish?s pretty ass for believing the word only describes a bloody deodorant. It is the ancient word for ?light? (LOTS OF SYNMBOLISM!!!) and is a star constellation that is featured a lot in the book. It is also a species of snow cat that reflects the character?s personality a lot. I could go on but morons out there, start writing up their next response full of swear words because you don?t have the capabilities to describe things thus rely on vulgar language! Hope you get a nice life!
Ironic how you condemn those who use swear words when you've got one right there in the first line of this paragraph. Also, no matter how much you try to force feed your pseudo-intellectual bullshit into our brains, the fact remains the same: Lynx is a generic fantasy name.


PSS. Please don?t write you suck in bold again. That?s the first thing that caught my eye in the email and it therefore it kind of hurt. Wait. Did you want it to hurt?
You suck in bold again.

Taking writing advice from someone who types like this, is like taking driving lessons from a parapalegic suffering from Down's Syndrome.

lmao that was a good one

But seriously, i think it was established that it wasn't written very well and it can use improvement. I think that that was all the original post-er (sorry i forgot the username) was looking for.
All i ever see on this site is flame after flame thread lol, it's entertaining but it only serves to piss people off. Most of the time it is not constructive at all.

It's all you ever will see here...I may very well leave because of how spiteful prak and zoidburg are. They are the only frequent posters to which makes things worse.

"Forgot to mention, Shadowblade ranting doesn't make you look any less of an idiot, that's the very reason she posted it WAS to make it better. Try listening for once. Also paarish may have made this, or he may not have but does it really matter?"


...wow. I don't even...wow. Okay, first, I never said anything about paarish being an idiot. You did. Second, him posting that was the equivalent to dumping a barrel full of shit on my doorstep, then asking me to clean it up. THEN saying it wasn't HIM, but some random chick that nobody knows or sees. Fuck. I'd say grow up, but you'd just call me a big meanie.


It's all you ever will see here...I may very well leave because of how spiteful prak and zoidburg are. They are the only frequent posters to which makes things worse.

Fucking *tear*. If you don't like truth, find one of those fanfiction forums and write gay stories about final fantasy 7.

Here's the issue shadow, you have no life and you're taking it out on me. Secondly, paarish is asking for contructive criticism, not a sad, lonely woman's words.

People did give constructive criticism:


Seriously, what the fuck was that? The character's name alone warrants this as utter unimaginative garbage. What's his inevitable sidekick's/rival's name going to be? Jackal?

Not to mention the style of writing is very. Very repetitive. That style of repetition. It repeats. Oh so annoying to read. Annoying and not at all something that will make your writing sound more "epic" or "deep." No, your friend's writing is neither "epic" nor "deep."

I think this thread should be closed as it has already been established the paarish did write it, it's shitty, and he's very touchy about it. And I would really hate to have this become one of those threads where people with egos so large it eclipses their common sense argue over meaningless topics like grammar and technicalities.

If that does happen though, I'd like to announce I'm on paarish's side. I enjoy a challenge.

MageKnight, if my "spitefulness" makes you want to leave, please fuck off with all possible haste. You can only critique material that has some redeeming merit, and this has none. It is bad on every fundamental level. The only possible way to improve it is for whoever the fuck wrote it to scrap it entirely, take a couple of creative writing courses, and hope that it's enough to ingrain enough know-how into them to bring their writing up to levels which can reasonably be described as mediocre, as opposed to the current appallingly awful tripe.

That's actually the best advice I've read all thread if not the most entertaining.

i swear to god that i did NOT write this!!!
if there was any way to prove to you that i did not write this then please tell me!!!

I think this thread should be closed as it has already been established the paarish did write it, it's shitty, and he's very touchy about it. And I would really hate to have this become one of those threads where people with egos so large it eclipses their common sense argue over meaningless topics like grammar and technicalities.

If that does happen though, I'd like to announce I'm on paarish's side. I enjoy a challenge.

the author told me to get the thread closed ages ago but i want to know want people think and the author is taking into account all comments (the author isn't me!!!)

i swear to god that i did NOT write this!!!
if there was any way to prove to you that i did not write this then please tell me!!!
(as i said before im on the music side of fantasy)

Wow honestly, that is completely unnecissary. Who cares if you were the one who wrote it? It has been established that it is crap and posting for the sake of posting is pathetic.
Now the flaming aspect of this thread is a bit much, but swearing to god and writing in capitals doesn't make me believe you didn't write it, it annoys the hell out of me because out of every comment that people have posted you take issue with the fact that they think it is you?

You supposedly posted the segment of literature for critique, which you barely got, and so why are you still bothering? Take the bit of feedback that you've gotten, tell your "friend" that it wasn't well recieved and what "she" can work on.
Nobody cares about you enough, to actually care if you wrote it, and by you posting what you just did in your "defense" makes you look desperate (for what i don't know, attention maybe...) in this little flame thread thats going on.
seriously paarish, WTF


Oh great and then i submit my post and there you go again, double posting to tell us more shit that we don't care about... Now i'm convinced that the author is you.

Wow honestly, that is completely unnecissary. Who cares if you were the one who wrote it? It has been established that it is crap and posting for the sake of posting is pathetic.
Now the flaming aspect of this thread is a bit much, but swearing to god and writing in capitals doesn't make me believe you didn't write it, it annoys the hell out of me because out of every comment that people have posted you take issue with the fact that they think it is you?

You supposedly posted the segment of literature for critique, which you barely got, and so why are you still bothering? Take the bit of feedback that you've gotten, tell your "friend" that it wasn't well recieved and what "she" can work on.
Nobody cares about you enough, to actually care if you wrote it, and by you posting what you just did in your "defense" makes you look desperate (for what i don't know, attention maybe...) in this little flame thread thats going on.
seriously paarish, WTF


Oh great and then i submit my post and there you go again, double posting to tell us more shit that we don't care about... Now i'm convinced that the author is you.

fair enough

Hello, Paarish or Paarish's friend:

I took the time to read your passage. The first thing I thought when reading this passage, especially after the lines

[[ He could nearly touch the frosty pavements as he flew in between people like a gust of wind. People from a flowing haze of traffic shouted and waved in wonder. ]] ,

is that, with more experience, you may develop a distinguished style in writing magic realism. Two descriptions stuck to me when reading this: "his feet started to forget the earth," and "mellow twilight."

However, I would like to point out some things about your structure:
1) Short and abrupt sentences throughout the passage.

2) awkward word choice/alliteration ---- Examples: [[ "metallic metropolitan's illuminating land," "curiously smiled back to them in equal yet different unique marvel," ""Like pouring rain, gigantic dove white wings streamed out of Lynx as he...."]]

and 3) unnecessary repetition ---- Examples: [[ Suddently picking up speed, like a shooting star he hurdled back into the skies looking like a blazing star with a tail made of midnight rainbows]]

These three things dismiss the flowing mood one would compare to the phenomenon of flying.

If you wish to gain more insight or expand on the idea you are trying to convey in this passage, I strongly suggest rewriting this in first person view. What do you think you would feel if you were flying? Where would you go? Would you want to land at all?

Also, I'd like to note on the name of the character. In a highly symbolic/surreal situation like this, what connection does the name Lynx have to it? Should your character even have a name?

As for the theme, it lacks clarity/sends confusing messages. What idea are you trying to convey?

[[ He realised that he had a destination and that destination was to isolation and remoteness. Lynx realised that he was departing; he was going on a journey for peace and serenity. ]]

To me, this is saying he's on a journey for peace and serenity (the meaning of what those really are is fuzzy). However, in the previous line, the destination is one of "isolation and remoteness." So does that mean solitude = peace? The connotation is a little off here with the awkward word choice of "isolation."

Overall, I'd like to say this piece reminds me of a painter who was thrust in front of a canvas at the last minute with no idea what he was going to paint. It seems this was written with ideas flowing out of your head and you just wanted to get it down on paper quickly. Spur of the moment writing. This may explain the repetition. If that is the case, I suggest not asking for serious critiques for such writing. Such writing should be reserved for brainstorming and self-experimentation.

Taking criticism, whether good or bad, is a major part in your development as a writer. You can only get better. I know it might sting sometimes, but consider any criticism a favor to you!

Thanks for the read!

The Author’s bizarrely (mad) long response bothered to tackle only the issues of:

I’m very sorry about these long outdated responses. My excuse is this: I am not actually the member of this site so I tend to wait for the messages to accumulate before responding. If I didn’t do this I’d have to keep pestering Paarish to endlessly post my responses to each individual. For this reason I actually am sorry for not personally addressing any comment makers by their screen names and for possibly being a bit out of date with my comments.
Ok so I do accept that some of you may not like (but abhor?) that I got Paarish to post a weaker extract in that it is so abstract etc and my seemingly cowardly excuse is that I did as I was half asleep, half dead etc. Then again, what would be the point of posting something I worked hard on and thus not be able to get general or as much HELPFUL criticism which I could apply to the rest of my work? If I posted something very good then it would seem like I’m just a sad case acting desperate to advertise my writing on the net just as how Prak is so keen to advertise his genitals.
Yet again, apologies on the name. Before the actual book starts there’s a writer’s note saying something like: The word ‘lynx’ originates from the word, ‘to shine’, which refers to the star constellation known as lynx There is a species of cat known as lynxes that live in the cold mountains. They are renowned for their protectiveness of their loved ones, camouflage and their amazing hunting techniques. Lynxes usually stalk their prey within a few metres before pouncing into action or they wait for an ambush. Although they have strong family bonds, they are solitary animals…. So the whole name mess is cleared up. Even then, however, Lynx is not the main main character, it’s actually just a normal disorganised and pretty crazy girl (a bit like me in that sense) called Serra. Her name means tranquillity and is ironic because she’s often extremely stressful. In the book, Serra is virtually the only one who calls Lynx ‘lynx’. He’s often simply known as the Cat, Ray (as the birth certificate human name, though Lynx is his real name), the Prominent Enchanter, Master or by his official title, the Master of Enchantment, (hence the book name). The name Lynx stays I’m afraid. I know there’s lots of other light meaning names and I appreciate your suggestions, but it has to be a cat species. There’s a lot of cat imagery that’s used: (i.e. cats are seen to be beautiful, intelligent, vain, solitary, playful, cruel, selfish creatures etc). Then there’s the whole star constellation thing; I need that for the epilogue.
Oh and another really funny thing is that you think I am Paarish! No offence (which naturally means get prepared for some offence in a polite light hearted way), but if you think that then it just proves that you have no understanding in writing whatsoever. I mean come on! We’ve got completely different writing styles! But hey, I won’t burst your bubble. If you think you spotted a conspiracy theory on a random thread on a random website of then pat yourself on the back. Now you better hurry along to your alien sketches.
Ruins 12, you’ve given me exactly the best kind of help I needed and I really do thank you for it! Everything you said makes sense and thus I am going to go back and improve my work. You asked me quite a few questions but the majority have been answered in the previous sections of my book etc. Your words were not just ‘a favour to me’ but a gift and a reminder that not everyone’s so cruel.
I finally got the help I wanted and now I’m going to ask Paarish to close the thread down. It’s been pretty funny at times but it is a sort of bitter laughter that after a while tastes rancid in my mouth.
Don’t bother posting back, I won’t be reading it.


The Author (withering with sarcasm)
PS: There have been some useful comments like cutting down the line lenghts and the name being a clich� etc. Don’t get me wrong, I really do appricate them.
PSS: Actually I have read a tale of two cities, it takes a while to get into but the ending is worth it. I’ve read all of Dickens work.

Paarish: Considering on what the author has just said... can someone close this thread please?

Oh, your friend wrote this. I see.

... eh, I got nothin.

Oh, your friend wrote this. I see.

... eh, I got nothin.

lol exactly, it's such obvious BS.