Hello again. I'm sure you all remember me, the ever-amazing Final Fantasy Answer Man. As usual, I know all the little details about those games that you don't, but something's different this year. You see, I've made an amazing discovery. Somewhere along the line, some genius had the brilliant idea to make other kinds of games! So now that the FF series is no longer the only games out there - or at least the only ones that matter - I figured I should become as much of an expert on them as I am on FF. Therefore, I played through half of Metal Gear Solid, watched a couple God of War trailers, got killed by every Nazi in Call of Duty, and saw all the hidden endings in Barbie's Horse Adventures.

Now that I am the greatest and most knowledgeable gamer in the universe, I'm going to share my wisdom with you.

The rules are the same as always. One question per post. More than that and you get nothing but mockery. If you make more than one post asking questions between my replies, you get the same treatment. No one else is permitted to answer because you will be wrong if you do. Only correct and truthful answers are allowed.

Now lay those questions on me so that I may prove my superiority and feed my ego use my knowledge to eliminate poverty and bring about world peace.

How do I unlock the secret item in Resident Evil 1, the Jill Sandwich?

How do you get to see Samus naked in Metroid Prime 3?

If Solid Snake kills 3 sentries at 1:00 p.m., gets spotted at 1:15 p.m., manages to evade them and sneaks by another patrol at 2:30 p.m., how does this reflect on the Chinese government's humanitarian policies?

Did you watch the All-Star game last night?

how many shots does it take to kill a zombie in resident evil?

How do I unlock the secret item in Resident Evil 1, the Jill Sandwich?

First, while playing as Jill, you have to make it to the first boss in under 3 minutes so you catch it while it's still eating dinner. Once it's dead, you can grab the mayo off the table. Reach the next boss in under 2 minutes to get the bread. Repeat until you have all the items necessary, equip them all at once, and stand in the zombie cafeteria picking lice out of your nose until the next meal time.


How do you get to see Samus naked in Metroid Prime 3?

Find the smash orb on the second planet and shoot it while waggling your wiimote in one hand and your manstick in the other.


If Solid Snake kills 3 sentries at 1:00 p.m., gets spotted at 1:15 p.m., manages to evade them and sneaks by another patrol at 2:30 p.m., how does this reflect on the Chinese government's humanitarian policies?

Very poorly, because none of those sentries that got killed were Chinese, and everyone knows the most humanitarian thing the Chinese can do is let other people kill them for sport.


Did you watch the All-Star game last night?

Naw man.


how many shots does it take to kill a zombie in resident evil?

Depends on the type. Tetanus shots are far more effective than flu shots, for example.

How do I view the scene where Gordon Freeman recites Crime and Punishment in its entirety?

Who is the new boss/s in Metal Gear Solid 4?

How do I view the scene where Gordon Freeman recites Crime and Punishment in its entirety?

He does that throughout every game he's been in. Nobody ever hears it because our brains tune it out as a defensive mechanism, but after a long session with the game, most people lose a bit of their sanity. As a result, we've had tragedies like the Columbine shooting, pet rocks, bad TV coverage of the olympics, and Windows Vista. Damn you, Valve!


Who is the new boss/s in Metal Gear Solid 4?

Donald Trump, Eeyore, the jolly green giant, and a drug-addled Snickers bar with marital problems.

If FFvsXIII goes to the 360, will Harkus and Fainaru bitch like whiny fanboys again whilst everyone points and laughs?

If FFvsXIII goes to the 360, will Harkus and Fainaru bitch like whiny fanboys again whilst everyone points and laughs?

The Answer Man's knowledge does not extend into the realm of forum idiocy. For that, I defer to my colleague, the magic 8 ball:

"All signs point to yes."

How do I make Half Life become Full Life?

How do I make Half Life become Full Life?

Replace the half-life CD with a Final Fantasy disc and put your best white mage in the party.

Would you have traded Zach Randolph for a 2nd round pick, one that would have cleared $14,666,666 in salary this year, $16,000,000 in salary next year and $17,333,333 in salary the year after (a savings that becomes doubled since the Knicks are above the luxury threshold and have to pay dollar for dollar for salaries above said threshold), or would you have waited to see if you could've got a better deal like a first round pick (which is improbable given Randolph sucks and by the time he may have any value the Knicks will have already spent somewhere from $10-32 million on him) when that $14,666,666 trade exception you would've gotten for trading the player for nothing likely would've gotten you a first round pick or two?

Who was Soap of COD4 really?

Where can I reset the time in Pokemon: RUBY?

How do I unlock the hidden Remixed version of the Jungle stage
music in Contra 4 for the DS?

Would you have traded Zach Randolph for a 2nd round pick, one that would have cleared $14,666,666 in salary this year, $16,000,000 in salary next year and $17,333,333 in salary the year after (a savings that becomes doubled since the Knicks are above the luxury threshold and have to pay dollar for dollar for salaries above said threshold), or would you have waited to see if you could've got a better deal like a first round pick (which is improbable given Randolph sucks and by the time he may have any value the Knicks will have already spent somewhere from $10-32 million on him) when that $14,666,666 trade exception you would've gotten for trading the player for nothing likely would've gotten you a first round pick or two?

I really don't anything about basketball, but my partner is a really big fan and can probably answer that. Magic 8 ball, what do you say?

"Maybe"


Who was Soap of COD4 really?

Jethro Bodine. His identity is revealed if you find the secret scenes in the game. The first comes during the flashback mission. If you go a certain direction, you can see his uncle Jed shooting at an animal and striking oil. The second is at the very end. Instead of hopping in the regular truck during the escape from the launch facility, you can get into this one hidden over in a corner.





Where can I reset the time in Pokemon: RUBY?

That's the beauty of a handheld. You can do such things ANYWHERE! Hope that helped.


How do I unlock the hidden Remixed version of the Jungle stage music in Contra 4 for the DS?

First, you have to find a hidden item. In the first stage, if you jump over that thing near the beginning, then go back and duck under it, then go back once more and grind your pelvis against it until it breaks, an accordion will fall out. Using the buttons on the DS, you have to play the piece in its original form both forwards and backwards while whispering professions of undying love into the microphone.

I'm trying to mate a Charizard with a Squirtle, but they won't get it on. I even put on Barry White, lit some candles and dimmed the room. All they do is stare at each other with the occasional "Squirt Squirt" coming from Squirtle.

What do I do? I need my Squirtard for teh tournies!

How do I change the white sleeve to black on the cover of black an white.

Well, now that I have more time to hang around here and the site issues seem to be sorted, I guess I'll pick this back up.


I'm trying to mate a Charizard with a Squirtle, but they won't get it on. I even put on Barry White, lit some candles and dimmed the room. All they do is stare at each other with the occasional "Squirt Squirt" coming from Squirtle.

What do I do? I need my Squirtard for teh tournies!

It's no wonder Squirtle is cussing you out. You forgot to get charizard liquored up first.


How do I change the white sleeve to black on the cover of black an white.

What's that technical term again...? Invert the polarities? Cross the streams? Milk the goat? Ah, screw it. Just flip the damn thing over.

How can I unlock Ridley as a character in Smash Bros. Brawl?

In Donkey Kong, where does DK get all of thoes barrels?

What does Mario spend those infernal coins on?

Which Sims expansion was the bestest?

Why is Ultra Magnus so great?

Is there a special feature to transform the Transformers game into a good product?

Do I pay the Shadow Thieves' steep 20,000 gold fee to get me to Spellhold or go with Bodhi who will charge me 5000 gold less but is also quite obviously a vampire?

How can I unlock Ridley as a character in Smash Bros. Brawl?

What a ridiculous question. Seriously, this one is so dumb that it really doesn't deserve a response. But I'll be nice, I guess...

Ridley is already available from the start. You just have to press the proper sequence of buttons while making a wanking motion with the wiimote.


In Donkey Kong, where does DK get all of thoes barrels?

He intercepts them after the wood elves toss them into the river to send them back to Lake Town.


What does Mario spend those infernal coins on?

Slot machines. That's why no matter how many coins he finds, he's still a plumber at the end of the day.


Which Sims expansion was the bestest?

The Sims: Hawt Buttsecks


Why is Ultra Magnus so great?

There really is a good answer to your question, but I can't deal with that right now.


Is there a special feature to transform the Transformers game into a good product?

Yes. Ever heard of skeet shooting?


Do I pay the Shadow Thieves' steep 20,000 gold fee to get me to Spellhold or go with Bodhi who will charge me 5000 gold less but is also quite obviously a vampire?

Do not go with Mr. Boddy under any circumstances. I hear that several people are out to get him, and you don't want to be in the way when Colonel Mustard shows up with a lead pipe.

How comes that Mei Ling knows so many Chinese proverbs?

What a ridiculous question. Seriously, this one is so dumb that it really doesn't deserve a response. But I'll be nice, I guess...

Ridley is already available from the start. You just have to press the proper sequence of buttons while making a wanking motion with the wiimote.




LOL

How comes that Mei Ling knows so many Chinese proverbs?

She gets them in her email. She's on a mailing list.




















lol geddit?

In The Sims: Hawt Buttsecks, how do you get the lime green strap-on? My Sim got hooked up with a really freaky chick, and lime green is his fave color...

Why did Sega introduce Silver the Gayhog in Sonic 2006?

How do I unlock the hidden Remixed version of the Jungle stage
music in Contra 4 for the DS?



First, you have to find a hidden item. In the first stage, if you jump over that thing near the beginning, then go back and duck under it, then go back once more and grind your pelvis against it until it breaks, an accordion will fall out. Using the buttons on the DS, you have to play the piece in its original form both forwards and backwards while whispering professions of undying love into the microphone.

Hey it worked!! I professed my undying love to the series and it unlocked the track! Thanks Answer Man! Here it is:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/16481726efbac01c/

( BTW that is really the hidden track for the alternate first stage music of Contra 4. Much better than the standard first stage music IMO)

In The Sims: Hawt Buttsecks, how do you get the lime green strap-on? My Sim got hooked up with a really freaky chick, and lime green is his fave color...

The freaky chicks always have their own strap-ons. It might not be lime green though, in which case, you need a special item: lime green anal paintball beads. One good thrust from the strap-on should change its color nicely.


Why did Sega introduce Silver the Gayhog in Sonic 2006?

The Answer Man only knows about the games themselves, not the reasons for all the stupid bullshit in them.

If I'm an Elementalist/Mesmer traveling to Lion's Arch with a Monk/Necro, a Warrior/Monk, and a Ranger/Necro, and a friend is traveling to Draknor's Forge with a Monk/Ranger, a Necro/Elementalist, and a Warrior/Ranger, what is the price of silver dye in Ascalon City?

If I'm an Elementalist/Mesmer traveling to Lion's Arch with a Monk/Necro, a Warrior/Monk, and a Ranger/Necro, and a friend is traveling to Draknor's Forge with a Monk/Ranger, a Necro/Elementalist, and a Warrior/Ranger, what is the price of silver dye in Ascalon City?

Bob Dole in a bikini, of course.

If I'm an Elementalist/Mesmer traveling to Lion's Arch with a Monk/Necro, a Warrior/Monk, and a Ranger/Necro, and a friend is traveling to Draknor's Forge with a Monk/Ranger, a Necro/Elementalist, and a Warrior/Ranger, what is the price of silver dye in Ascalon City?

GUILDWARS FUCK YEAH!

GUILDWARS FUCK YEAH!

I agree.

What is Dr. Robotnik a doctor of?

Why is it that the end boss in all MegaMan X games is Sigma? I mean if they are going to make an end boss with a greek letter for a name I would assume his name would be Omega.

What is Dr. Robotnik a doctor of?

He's a general practitioner of veterinary LASIK procedures, specializing in the removal of half-digested twinkies from the lungs of male children named Samantha.


Why is it that the end boss in all MegaMan X games is Sigma? I mean if they are going to make an end boss with a greek letter for a name I would assume his name would be Omega.

He has a complex about his bald head and the symbol for omega (Ω) would be a constant reminder of it.

What drugs does Dr. Wily take to make up so strange concepts like Springman or Clownman?

Mega Man 1-6 = 8 bit
Mega Man 7 = 16 bit
Mega Man 8 = 32 bit
Mega Man 9 = 8 bit ?!?
Explain this paradox

What is the release date on StarCraft: Ghost?

What drugs does Dr. Wily take to make up so strange concepts like Springman or Clownman?

Viagra. It's obvious how it inspired the spring gimmick, and the clown gimmick came from the response of his prospective partners.


Mega Man 1-6 = 8 bit
Mega Man 7 = 16 bit
Mega Man 8 = 32 bit
Mega Man 9 = 8 bit ?!?
Explain this paradox

There is no explanation. Capcom went insane. I just don't get what they were thinking with 7 and 8.


What is the release date on StarCraft: Ghost?

Yesterday, and it's selling out fast! Quick, go to your nearest retailer and ask for it! If they don't have it, keep driving around until you find someone who does!

I guess I'll keep posting replies to this thread as long as there's interest, but don't expect them to be frequent.

Is it true that, in Final Fantasy 7, if you name Barret "Nigger" he will become even more of a stereotype, causing him to only consume fried Chocobo and malt potions?