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Since you don't want anyone to praise your story/book/novel thing, I won't.
I copied this thing into my word processor (which I would recommend for anyone else out there) (copyright laws be damned!) and tried to find all the little spelling errors. Anyway, here they are:
In the beginning of the prologue, you spell architecture wrong (you left out the h) and you misspell maneuverability (you flipped the e and u).
In the Alkyran time thing, you misspell approximately (you have one p). Also, you put in the word 'standardly.' That's not a word. try putting in 'in standard terms' or something like that.
In the Galaxy of Xanatron Civilization thing, you misspell approximately again (one p again) and spell suppressed incorrectly (one p). Not only that, you spelled semblance 'semblence.' That and occasionally (you had an extra i before the s)
At the beginning of Chapter 1, you spell definitely wrong (definately is how you spelled it). You do this a few times throughout the story/novel/book. You spell subconscious and conscious and consciously and everything of the like wrong every time (you leave out the s before the c) Also, ocurred has two r's, not one.
You left out the s in responsibility. Prevalent has only one a and two e's. After all is two words, not one. 'Dislikable' is not a word. Try 'easily disliked' instead. Good bye is two words, not one. 'Prowesses' is not a word. 'Prowess' would be the correct word. It's 'appalled' not 'appauled.' Excel has only one l. It should be 'reckless,' not 'wreckless.'
You screw up dormitory every time, preferring to spell it with an a. Subatomic has no hyphen. Disappointed has one s and two p's. You flipped the e and u in neutrality. It shouldn't be expectance, it should be expectation. Loudmouthed is one word, not two. Each other is the other way around, being two words and not one. Hubbub is one word, without a hyphen.
It's 'neither' not 'niether.' You did the same thing with perceiving and ceiling.'Embarrass,' not embarass. Not 'maintainance,' 'maintenance.' You put an extra h after the c in alcohol.
And that's about it. Might I suggest investing in a good spell checker for your next chapter so I don't have to do this every time.

ok, I read the whole thing. First off, the opening, the various "excerpts" from several books, is done pretty badly. To the point where, if you are going to have this online, you should present it in such a way that someone would read the first chapter before the prologue, because the prologue could push them away from wanting to go on with the rest.


In the first chapter now. Honestly, with what was going on in the intro, I was surprised by how the main story is. In comparison anyways, the actual style seems to be your standard and works much better than the intro. I was looking forward to reading some more after the chapter ending.

Anyways, there's this section:


That impression, of course, had often raised the question of why he was there in the first place, and the answer had truly been that he had an inherent need to prove to himself his own prowess since his earliest days. As a child, he had excelled in all areas of learning, and growing up as a nerd in a harsh environment, he had enlisted for lessons in Elito (which was the combat style from which Elitia derived its name.) That and the rigors of his hard-earned life (his family had been poor and he took on a part-time job loading equipment into carrier starships in addition to his schoolwork to support his family) made him exceptionally strong, and therefore adept in life-threatening situations. He was cool, and knew how to keep his head in all but the most extreme of circumstances (in which it was actually possible for him to lose his temper so extremely that he came close to killing people. In fact, it was kept quiet until the writing of this book, but he once did kill a bully who had been attacking his twin brother Ander. Ander was not an incapable kid; he was actually a lot stronger and more built than Xarian and normally capable of defending himself, but he had been ambushed while he was alone and terribly outnumbered. He was being held against a wall by four older kids and one was punching him repeatedly in the gut and the face. Xarian had happened across it because it wasn't far from the apartment in which his family lived, and he had pegged the guy doing the punching right in the head with two broken beer bottles from quite a distance. Xarian chased off the rest of them and everything was fine, but he was in such a mad rage that he continued to punish the bully who had been grounded by the broken bottles. He had been badly hurt but not killed. Xarian pounded him in the head so many times that that was changed. All the time Ander tried to get Xarian to stop, but with no luck until the deed had been done. This incident convinced Xarian's parents once and for all that they needed to get out of the city some way or another, but they never could raise enough money to do it. The sad thing was that Xarian didn't even feel any remorse about the incident until many years later during his time at the Academy of Elitia. But his devotion to his brother never faltered, nor Ander's to him.)



I'm not going to count, but you have 3 or 4 instances where background information is included in parenthesis. It's fine to include something you've forgotten, but not with this sort of dependency, especially given the length of the final inclusion. It would be better to have a general background explanation prior to the "start"(as it were) of the first chapter, so that these would not be as necessary. You led to his "pre-school" back story in the next paragraph, so it would be easy enough to work these explanations into that segment, and then continue on to describing his character and the like. Or describe his character, and make allusions to that description when telling his back story.

There's also this odd repetition:


In it is my last stand against that which I stand against

And the feeling that, once again, you are the main character. I'm assuming that band Kana was listening to was
one that exists in real life. I don't remember what it was called, nor do I care to go find it again.

There's also a tiresome slant to the ideaologies presented, about man and killing, and the "5 percenters" and the way the school works, but I think this has to do with you mentioning these sort of things to me before, so I'm not sure if that's a real criticism or not. It may be fresher to someone else.


It was exactly in the next moment that Xarian's life changed forever. For all practical purposes, that doesn't make any sense, because nothing great happened there to the outside observer. But something great did happen there. It was in that moment that Xarian suddenly and inexplicably looked up and around him. He then solemnly locked his school in his mind forever. Every detail he knew about it, every person he'd become close to, every accomplishment he'd made there, and so many other things they could not be listed. In that instant, Xarian Kelter decided once and for all, without even doing it conciously, that the Aademy of Elitia was his home and that it would be for all eternity.

Tomorrow at this exact moment, he would no longer be a student of the Academy of Elitia. He would not live there anymore. He would say goodbye to his home and live somewhere else. And it is because of that moment, truly, that the Academy of Elitia was Xarian's home forever. In that instant, he acknowledged it as the place he would stay forever should he have to choose a place.

When the process was completed and Xarian had chosen

there is also this segment, while I am aware of what you were trying to get across, (an epiphany?), it was dragged on a bit. and in the second paragraph quoted we have "he wouldn't be a student. . . he would not live there. . . he would live somewhere else", and you repeat the fact that it was his "home" forever. Which I imagine will be a sort of theme with this story, but, it "being his home forever" was the conclusion to the previous paragraph. We don't need that repeated to us. How do I say. . . I "get it" already. One thing I don't like is melodramatic posturing,(ering?), and that's what that segment amounts to. Mentioning his realization is fine, but it can be, and should be, handled better. If anything, present each point only once.


The whole "rocking, net using group" of characters seems out of place for this sort of story, but I don't have a problem with it. It's my guess that an "advanced" civilization would be like ours, but with different toys anyways.


The conversations are handled well enough. Not much of a problem with that, or the characters, aside from expecting you to have characters like that. Everything is being handled well enough, I'd have to wait until the fantasy elements are brought in to see if the quality can be maintained, or if you fall into the rut of the prologue.


that is all? there's probably a bit more, but I can't think of anything off of the top of my head, and so I won't bother.

yo this thingy rocks in fact. skipping the misspellings (not so much), its a very cool opening. you're not talking about an event but some general philosophy or something like that. THAT is actually what makes me keep reading something. if some book starts with an event, well i suddenly get bored because i get the feeling it doesn't tell the reader anything.

and OF COURSE write wat you want to write even when people make terrible critisizitons (or however its spelled), in case someone does.

by the way, holy shit i just noticed this thread is 6 years old! i was writing here with the thought of this thingy was written somewhen like yesterday lol. i already bumped here with an incorrect search result and i noticed this thread. so anyway i think you should write more, (or i think you did but not posted here). great job in my opinion. if the rest comes, ill read it.

Sounds interesting, TK. Now, to keep you from biting my head off...


The one that I feel more potently is hate, though.

"Potently" is a bit of a weird choice there. "Acutely" is the first suitable word that comes to mind.


I am tired of this because even though my physical actions my have been the greatest,

may, not my.


Of course, this was mostly due to the fact that he came from a small planet called Cradia quite a distance from Alkrya,

That needs a bit of reworking. I have two suggestions:

Of course, this was mostly due to the fact that he came from a small planet, quite a distance from Alkrya, called Cradia.

Of course, this was mostly due to the fact that he came from a small planet called Cradia, which is quite a distance from Alkrya.


(in which it was actually possible for him to lose his temper so extremely that he came close to killing people...But his devotion to his brother never faltered, nor Ander's to him.)

Do something about the parenthetical dissertation, please. Parentheses aren't bad in and of themselves, but when the parenthetical text is thrice as long as the paragraph in which it rests, there's a problem.


but he later learned that the men were shocked, not appauled

You want "appalled."


She was wreckless,

Reckless.

HAY CYAN U KNO UR REPLYIN TO A 6 YR OLD THRED?!


PRETTY SHUR TK HAS FIX'D HIS GRAMMATICAL ERROS BY NOW

i think the guy might have forgotten this topic anyways lol. if he returns im gonna read the new stuff.

HAY CYAN U KNO UR REPLYIN TO A 6 YR OLD THRED?!


PRETTY SHUR TK HAS FIX'D HIS GRAMMATICAL ERROS BY NOW

Lulz. I only paid attention to the post date of the previous post. Don't I feel intelligent.

This thread was made when I was still in diapers.

TM, that could be any time!

One of the characters in a book I'm writing is named Terin...

I only read a few paragraphs but the spelling is fairly horrendous.

I realise this may not be the most constructive comment, but it was too much tl;dr for me to read all of it in one sitting, and the spelling was the one thing that really hit me.

Edit: followed a link while browsing through Cyan's posts and didn't pay much attention to the original post date or any of the comments.

Never mind.

TM, that could be any time!

OH YEAH WELL I'M NOT WEARING ONE TODAY