The sky, it appears to be
Falling on your hollow head
But your alkaline earth face
Is neither twisted nor red

Your skin, it appears to me
To be neither soft nor tough
It isn't made out of flesh
But perhaps some harder stuff

And your aluminum hair
Set on your head so sublime
Cascades and flows down your back
Like a Shakespearian rhyme

And your transitional lips
Though soft as a rose petal
Make a mechanical kiss
Colder than earth-dug metal

Your smooth hands, they reach to feel
The lines running through my face
Oh, time could have been kinder
They're too easy to trace

And your touch, it makes me think
Of the women in my past
Memories too well hidden
And voices too faint to last

And those two mercury eyes
Shining bright as any sun
Slowly flow out your sockets
Like tears of sorrow, they run

I can't lie, I am suprised
To witness such sympathy
From one who doesn't appear
Capable of empathy

I guess it just goes to show
That impressions can be wrong
And that of all things on earth
Women are most worthy of song

--

Note: I'm up late and bored, so I just jotted down some descriptions and tried to tie it down with something relevant. I'm pretty sure there are mistakes, and I know I have an extra syllable in the last line, but i'm tired and going to bed. Leave the revision to the revisionists!

Your smooth hands, they reach to feel
The lines running through my face
Oh, time could have been kinder
They're too easy to trace

The last line here is too short. You'd have to change it to "they are" for it to match up with everything else, but that would sound a little weird. Maybe you can think of something better!

The poem does need some work, but you've got a good mood, and some good descriptions. I think mostly, you're just going to want to play around with some of the lines, fix the short one and the long one, and improve how some things are phrased and how they go together. If you want to spend more time on it, you could make it something really nice!

I don't want to spend time on it though.

OH WELL

I agree with Ndi. It still needs 'something'.
But It's good though

Maybe i'm crazy, but did Mandi's post morph into Sarah's?

YES.


Also:

my only suggestion is that you not write rhyming poems. Or at least, not if they're like this one. It doesn't really need it, and a few of them come off as forced, but at the same time the verses are very tight and if you just jotted it down late at night like that then I don't think you'd have issues controlling flow without a rhyming scheme. It should give you more freedom. maybe, I don't know, possibly.

Rhyming gives me boundaries, if that makes sense. I feel a little lost when I try writing free verse.

Like I have too much freedom.

I'll try it though.

Forced caesura? Rhyming?
What the hell man.

Write it like the Canterbury tales. It will be a work of art then. Iambic Pentameter (sp?). It's also a shitload of fun.