I’ve been watching…and waiting. Waiting to spring a good fanfic on you crazy people and, hopefully, have it ripped apart by the better critics I’ve seen on the board. Just from reading some of the hilariously brutal yet correct reviews from some of the readers here, I decided to test out a little piece of writing I started working on. The majority of the characters will be original so don't expect to not see Reno or Cloud or something. Cuz it aint' happenin. Have at it.

Chapter One


“Hey, Andrew! Another wild night?”

I grunted in reply to the passing secretary as I watched the coffee percolate and tried to ignore the painful buzz in my head. With a sigh, I thought back to the night before. What was I on to make me think I could beat Cassidy in a drinking contest anyway? I leaned back against the counter and shook my head, instantly regretting it as a fresh wave of pain lanced through my brain.

“Here,” someone said, poking me in the back. Fuck. I truly hate it when people poke me, so I whirled to find myself staring into deep, dark violet eyes. I rolled my own blue ones. Of course.

Natasha. Only a Turk would have the balls to poke a Turk.

Her hand was out, offering me two green pills. She stared at me amusedly as I dry-swallowed the pills and chased them down with a paper cup of water.

“I almost thought you were going to beat Cassidy last night,” Natasha remarked, running a hand through her long black hair. “Even Alex hasn’t come that close.”

I snorted. “Yeah, but I bet Alex never puked up his guts before crumpling to the floor like a heart attack victim.” Natasha laughed at that.

“True,” she affirmed, smiling and leaning back against the counter, so close to me that our shoulders touched. I raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Usually, if this ever happened with any other girl, I’d make a move faster than lightning. But everyone knew that Natasha was single, beautiful, funny, and unattainable. At least not attainable by any of us. She was Alex’s. They have some kind of friendship-love hybrid that puts more emphasis on the friendship part than anything. But, if one of them even tried to date another person… Well, let’s just say you can hear them fighting from any floor.

As we waited, I closed my eyes to shield them from the bright flourescent light above. Why the fuck did it have to be so bright in here anyway? No matter what building you went to, they all had the same damn break room, with the same damn white walls and counters, with the same damn buzzing flourescent light. Fuck. I grunted to myself, getting pissed off.

“Why the hell is this coffee taking so long?” I demanded, glaring at the pot. It looked ready, but I didn’t want to pull the pot out while it was still percolating. Last time I saw some guy try to do that, he burned the shit out of his hand. I laughed like hell, but I'm sure I wouldn't find it funny if it happened to me.

“Yell at it some more, see if that helps,” Natasha suggested with a smile.

“Shut up,” I replied grumpily. “You’d be pissed too if you had been waiting here for like,” I glanced at my watch, “fifteen minutes now.”

“Well, it’s pretty much ready, if you knew what you were doing,” Natasha said, grabbing two cups from a cabinet.

"Don't burn yourself," I warned as she pulled the pot away.

She rolled her eyes as she poured the coffee. "Only a retard would burn himself doing this," she said. "And notice I said 'himself'."

"You saying women are smarter then men?" I asked, folding my arms.

"No, I'm saying without women, men would have died off a long time ago." She then stopped, looking at me as if she had seen me for the first time. She raised an eyebrow. “By the way, did anyone tell you that you look like shit right now?”

I glanced down taking note of my wrinkled dark-blue pants, untucked white shirt, rumpled dark-blue jacket, and lack of tie. Then I shrugged. “No one said anything to me.”

She smiled. “Of course they didn’t. The guys don’t have the balls and we all know that the ladies love Turks.”

I mirrored the smile. “What’s not to love?” I joked as she handed me a cup of hot coffee. She rolled her eyes, taking a sip from her cup. She immediately grimaced.

“Ewww!” she cried, dropping the cup like it was a live grenade. “What the hell is this!?” She looked at the coffee can for the first time and read aloud, "John's Low-Price Coffee...?" She stared at me as if I had walked in naked.

I took a tentative sip before shrugging. “It’s not that bad.” I took another sip while Natasha shook her head in disgust.

“You really have poor taste in everything,” she clucked sadly, her eyes filled with pity. “Weren’t you the one who ordered Shin-Ra beer last night?”

“Yeah…” I replied slowly. “What’s wrong with that?”

Natasha sighed as if all hope was lost. “Let’s just go,” she said, walking out.

"Hey, aren't you gonna clean this up?" I called, staring at the spilt coffee.

"Nope," was the response from the other room.

Shrugging to myself, I walked into the other room, taking another sip of my coffee. Usually, we don’t meet in the mornings because we’re out getting smashed at night, but I guess this was different.

“And there he is, former underdog turned loser,” was my greeting when I walked into the room. Of course it was Alex who said it. The blonde was leaning back into a chair with his feet up on the desk and his hands behind his head, grinning.

“Shut up,” I replied, taking a seat. Natasha had already sat down, next to Alex, and was typing away at a laptop and vaguely listening to the conversation. Sitting a little off to the side was Vaughn, the epitome of a snob, according to some. He grew up on the upper plate and got a job at Shin-Ra. I don't really know how he became a Turk, but all of us know that his family has disowned him for it. I guess they don't consider being a Turk a noble job. And, sitting on a table, was the winner of last night’s contest: Cassidy. Of course he won. A big muscular guy from the slums like him could do nothing but win.

"Hey Andrew, how's your head feel?" Cassidy asked, grinning.

"Like I've just had a lobotomy," I replied, dropping into a seat.

Cassidy scratched his head before smoothing his short, reddish-brown hair back down. "Well, at least you got a chance to experience greatness. Mine that is."

"Don't worry," Natasha said absently. "Those two pills should start taking effect pretty soon."

"Hope so," I said, leaning back into the chair. I had barely even begun to relax before I caught Vaughn staring at me so I asked, "What?"

“Nothing, it just that...you‘re looking particularly….grunge this morning,” Vaughn said, smiling slightly. Natasha chuckled as his amused green eyes then lit upon my hair. “And I see you’re taking styling tips from Alex now…”

I glanced at Alex’s wild, blonde hair before giving a shrug. “I didn’t have time to brush it. What with us having to be here at ten in the fucking morning.” I ran a hand through my own long hair, a premature, snow-white.

“Don't worry Alex," Cassidy grinned. "Not everyone has to have perfect hair like pretty boy over here." He nodded toward Vaughn.

Vaughn chuckled lightly. "As my father used to say, there's nothing wrong with a brushed head of hair."

"We didn't even have brushes under the plate," Cassidy grumbled. "We would have to wash our head and let it be."

"See, that's the difference between you and me," Vaughn smiled. "I was taught to wash off filfth, not wallow in it."

It was silent for a minute, maybe two, before Alex grinned. "Burn." We both cracked up. Vaughn always had a way of pointing out your flaws in that smirking way of his. I guess some would a snobby bastard. I wouldn't. He's saved my ass more times than I would like to remember.

"Fuck you," Cassidy replied to Vaughn, shaking his head.

"No thanks," Vaughn responded easily.

"Alright ladies, enough. Let's get down to business." Alex stood up and stretched. "Now, I could go into a whole speech about our mission and all the plans, but the gist of it is, we gotta kill the mayor."

"The mayor?" I repeated, curious. "Why?"

"Mayor Hart has way more power with the people than Mr. President intended," Natasha said, typing away at the laptop. "So much, that he wants him removed."

"So basically, Mr. President wants a dancing puppet as mayor of Midgar, instead of a doll who thinks he's a boy?" Vaughn smirked. "He won't find a shortage of that at Shin-Ra."

"So how are we going to get to him?" Cassidy asked, his dark-brown eyes curious. "From what I hear, his bodyguards are serious about their job. They won't betray him."

"Then they'll have to go too," Alex said, flicking his hand dismissively. "That's no problem. The thing is, it's a two man job. So who wants to go?"

Silence for a moment as everyone looked at each other. "Well," Natasha began. "I have to go. I'm the only one who's memorized the layout of his house."

That still left one to go. I shrugged to myself before saying aloud, "I'll go." Why not? Everyone looked at me and kind of shrugged. No one really cared if they went or not, but no one was going to volunteer either. Doing shit like this wasn't really fun.

"Alright, come here," Natasha commanded, waving her hand. I walked over to her to find her pointing at the laptop. "This is the blueprint of the house. We're going at around two in the morning. That's more than enough time for the mayor to be sound asleep and the bodyguards to be slowly relaxing."

"Why so cloak and dagger about this?" I asked, curious. "Most of the time, we just go in our suits and handle the problem."

Natasha shook her head. "No, Mr. President wants this to be a quiet death. We don't want to draw the suspicion that Shin-Ra was behind the attack. It could start a problem with the people."

"And we wouldn't want that, would we?" Alex laughed. "Then where would our fat Turk checks be?"

"Back in Mr. President's pocket of course," Cassidy said smugly, glancing at Vaughn. "The upper plate people never let go of a chance to get more money."

"Exactly why we're not poor," Vaughn smirked, standing up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to do that bit of spying on Gast. According to Hojo he's "up to something", so he asked me to check it out."

"You listen to Hojo now?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.

"No," Vaughn said, shaking his head. "But I do listen to the five hundred gil he's paying me on the side."

"Not bad," Alex nodded, rubbing his chin. "It must have hurt his pride to come to a Turk, though. He hates us."

"Why?" Natasha asked, coming over.

Alex shrugged, his gold colored eyes bored. "Don't know."

"Maybe he thinks we're below him or something?" I said. "Like he's better than us?"

"Or maybe a Turk killed the love of his life and now he's all super-angsty over it?" Vaughn suggested, giving a shrug before walking off. "Who cares? I say, money talks."

After watching him depart, Cassidy commented, "You see? Money is all that matters on the upper plate."

"Is that why you get a new car every paycheck?" Natasha asked, amused. "Come on, face it. Turks are all about money, and none of us are any exception."

Cassidey grinned embarrasedly. "Yeah, but...he's still a rich brat."

"He's our rich brat," Natasha corrected. "Besides, he's not any richer than any of us...anymore, that is."

"Ah, whatever," Cassidy said, waving a hand."Most of the time I'm just messing with him anyway." He barely got a few feet before being stopped by Alex's hand on his shoulder.

"Uh...remember how I said two of us would have to re-organize the archives?" Alex grinned. "Looks like it's me and you buddy."

Ouch. Not many people know it, but the Turks have documentation of every hit, every kidnapping, every business partner. Everything there is to know about Shin-Ra, we have it. Right now, everything's in paper form and Alex had been itching for weeks to reorganize the info onto disks.

"You're fucking kidding me right?" Cassidy looked shocked. He pointed to me and Natasha. "What about them?"

"Oh, we have to plan our mission," Natasha said sweetly. "Sorry, maybe next time?"

Cassidy growled but said nothing. Alex was the leader of the group, so there was no point arguing. Alex clapped him on the back.

"Come on, how bout afterward I buy you a beer or five?" Cassidy's drooped shoulders seemed to perk up at this as Alex led him away.

"Do we really have to plan out all this right now?" I asked Natasha, a little worried. "I have someplace to be."

"Nah, we don't have to do it right now," she replied, sitting back down at the laptop. "But we'll definetely have to go over the plan before tonight."

"Just call me then," I said walking backwards toward the door. "I'll keep my phone on."

"Alright, I'll call you," Natasha nodded, turning back toward the laptop. "What do you have to do that's so important anyway?"

"Allie has a recital at eleven and it's...," I glanced at my watch. "Ten-fifteen. I gotta hurry."

"Alright, tell her I said 'hi'," Natasha said.

"Me too!" Alex's voice shouted from the archive room.

"Same!" Cassidy's voice soon followed.

I grinned. "Yeah, of course. See you guys later." I walked out, toward the elevator. The Turks were the only people in Shin-Ra that knew I had a little sister. They're the only one I would trust with such valuable information. Anyone else in Shin-Ra would somehow use that to their advantage. But the Turks stick with one another. The Turks are a team. According to the files, none of the Turks even have family, or friends. And that's the way it should be. Because if someone messed with one of us, if someone hurt us in anyway, they would be taken care of permenantly and efficiently. That's why we're Turks.

I liked it!

Other than your tendency to start too many sentences with the word "I," there's really not any kind of serious flaws that I can see. However, one of the true merits of a writer, IMO, is the ability to create something new. There's no future at all in fan-fiction aside from writing generic Star Trek novels.

I suggest using a completely original setting next time with no clear influences. Also pay attention to how long it takes you to write it and how many revisions you have to make. Given enough time, nearly anyone can create something passable, but there's no future as a writer for someone who takes a long time.

In short: Work on the repetition in the beginnings of your sentences, be more original, make sure you're able to write at a decent pace. What I've seen shows a reasonable grasp of basic techniques although your descriptions are a bit plain (try to be more dynamic!), so keep at it.

it was serious but we like we love your ace coolie

FAR OUT!!! where are the other chapters?

Hey I liked that alot. Are you going to be writing anymore because that was really really good.

man, that was great!! Where's the rest?

This is one of the better fan-fictions on here, but in that sentence lies the first flaw. On the evidence presented you're a good writer but almost anyone can write a good fan-fiction (I'm not insulting your work btw).

As Prak pointed out, there is a fair bit of repition at the start of each sentence but that'll improve with practice. You also used the word 'smirk' a little too excessively, so you should try using a few alternatives but like I said, you're vocabulary can only improve as you write more. Also, as a final suggestion, do you write much from third-person perspective? Personally, I find it much easier to write in third-person and it can be difficult to write in first person unless you have directly experienced what you are writing about. Another advantage of third-person is that you can address other characters thoughts instead of being pinned down to one character. Anyway, perspective is a matter of personal preferance so that's up to you.

So in summary, it's a very solid piece of writing but in my honest opinion you shouldn't concentrate on fanfic too much. Experiment with your imagination and you could create something truly unique. On the fanfic note, it's good that you have created your own characters, it shows a bit more originality and initiative even if you didn't create the world. The only flaw, and it's pretty minor, was that it suffered from a little bit of repetitiveness vocabulary wise. All considered, well done and keep it up.

It was a great piece of work. I enjoyed it, perhaps you should broaden your horizons a bit more and make settings more original. It is obvious you have writing skills that will develop with more practice.
On a final note: Try using the third person as opposed to the first person. Well thats just me, I find it easier to write in the third person like Mossy said because in the first you sometimes can only express emotions better if you have experienced it.

Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing more from you.