Guitar Woman
08-19-2005, 05:32 PM
I found this a while ago, and it gave me a good laugh. It's also kind of old, but there have to be a few of you who haven't seen it.
Final Fantasy I
Four heros arrive
Hero 1: Who are we?
Hero 2: Beats the hell out of me.
Hero 3: We do have these crystals�
Hero 4: I know, lets kill these element creatures and see if our crystals light up.
They kill some monsters, their crystals light up.
Hero 1: This is fun.
Hero 2: Now lets travel back in time because the first guy we killed� he wasn�t dead back then.
Hero 3: If we can travel back in time, why don�t we travel to a point where he�s still a baby, and kill him then?
Hero 4: Or even travel back far enough to stop every evil act that�s ever been committed?
But, of course, Hero 3 and 4 were a thief and red mage so they were USELESS and thus ignored by everyone else.
Chaos: Now I�ll destroy you.
Hero 1: I don�t think so, I�m a Ninja with a quick spell!
Chaos dies, ending sucks.
Final Fantasy IV (II in the united states)
Cecil: Being a red wing sucks. We have to steal, loot and pillage and my crew speaks Russian. (only a Canadian or a hockey fan would get that joke)
Golbez: With the king under my control I can collect the crystals and go to the moon to receive some unknown and untested power.
Cecil: Not if I turn into a paladin first and stop you.
Cecil turns into a Paladin, but before he can finally kick the s*** out of Golbez�
Golbez: Wait, I�m your bro. Sorry about all the wet willies. Go to the moon and kill Zemus.
Cecil: But I wanna kill you�
Instead Cecil goes to the moon.
Zemus: I�ll turn into Zeromus and kill you.
Cecil: No you won�t, cause I have all Crystal gear with Adamant armor.
Zeromus: How did you get that?
Cecil: I played this f***ing game for over 250 hours.
Zeromus, unable to compete with the fact that Cecil has no life, succumbs to the inevitable.
Cecil: Sweet, now I can rule Baron and collect all the crystals for myself! Ah ha ha ha.
To be continued?
Final Fantasy V
Some stuff happens. Some more stuff happens. Galuf dies and is replaced by a chick who is 99% forehead. They kill some stuff, some more stuff happens, and suddenly the game is over. What a rip off.
Final Fantasy VI
Terra: I think I�ll kill this town, grab the esper and be on my way. Oh, ****, the esper knows me.
Locke: Never fear, you were possessed by this slave crown.
Terra: Oh, okay. Let�s destroy the empire.
Emporer: oh look, goddess statues. I hope someone doesn�t betray me on my own island and steal the power to make him (or her) a god.
Kefka: I�m going to betray you on your own island and steal the power to make me a god.
Kefka causes a small apocalypse.
Cecles: Crap, the world is an ugly brown colour, the overworld music sucks and I don�t know where I am. Oh well, at least I can kill Cid.
She kills Cid.
Celes: Oh look, a raft. I think I�ll re-unite myself with my friends and defeat Kefka.
She reunites herself with her friends.
Terra: Thank god you found me, I was worried that the audience would forget that I�M THE MAIN CHARACTER!
Celes: No you�re not, I am.
Locke: I�d hate to break it to you ladies, but I am.
Setzer: Excuse me, WHO has the airship again?
They fight for a while. No one wins, but they kill Umaro without anyone noticing.
Celes: Oh, nevermind, lets just split into three groups and kill Kefka.
Everyone else: That works.
They ALL meet up with Kefa (except for Umaro who they killed and Relm who is useless)
Kefka: You think you can kill me?!? I�m a GOD!
Celes: Yeah, but we have an advantage you don�t have.
Kefka: And what�s that?
Celes: We have 14 MAIN characters, all ready to kick your ass.
Kefka: oh, ****.
Cool music plays, kefka dies.
Celes: Sweet, Kefka is dead.
But so is the world. Sucks to be the world. The End.
Final Fantasy VII:
Barret: Shinra sure sucks, don�t it? Lets kill a few reactors.
Cloud: Only if you pay me.
But the assignment was botched and Cloud ends up with Aeris.
Cloud: I�m cloud, I�m a soldier first class.
Aeris: I�m Aeris, I�m an ancient.
Cloud cross-dresses, meets up with Tifa.
Tifa: I�m a life support system for breasts.
Barret: We have no time for that, Shinra�s going to destroy sector 7.
They do, everyone gets pissed.
But that�s okay, cause Sephiroth kills the president.
Cloud: Wait, Sephiroth�s still alive? I have a score to settle with him.
Because none of the other characters have lives, they follow Cloud under the misguided notion that Cloud is really stopping Sephiroth because Seffie wants to go to the promised land.
Cloud: Oh look, Black materia.
Sephiroth: I�ll take that.
Seffie summons meteor.
Cloud: This sucks.
Seffie: I think I�ll also kill Aeris.
Cloud: This sucks more.
Aeris dies.
Tifa: I�m a life support system for breasts.
Sephiroth: You never were in soldier at all, were you cloud?
Cloud: No, I wasn�t. I was worried Tifa wouldn�t like me, so I lied.
Tifa: I�m a life support system for breasts.
Cloud: Lets go kill Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: You can�t kill me, I�m by far the best villain in any of the Final Fantasy games.
Cloud: You�re right, we can't.
They don�t kill Sephiroth, Meteor hits, everyone dies but Sephiroth who feeds off the energy and becomes God. The end.
Final Fantasy VIII
Squall: I�m introverted.
Seifer: I�m an asshole. Let�s fight! :D
They do and get matching scars.
Cid: Okay, you�ve passed your seed exam. Seifer, disregard the last statement. Everyone else, go help Rinoa.
Squall: Whatever.
Their plan fails because they are DUMBASSES.
Cid: Let�s just shoot the Sorceress.
Squall: Whatever.
They try to, but this plan fails too.
Quistis: Wanna try for the sorceress again?
Cid: No time for that now, Galbania is attacking.
Squall: Whatever.
Galbania attacks. The attack must�ve sucked, though, or they wern�t trying very hard. At any rate their fully trained Seeds fell with one swipe of Squall�s gunblade, who is still just finishing his training.
They then attack the Sorceress.
Zell: Yippie we won.
Irvine: But Rinoa�s in a coma.
Squall: Whatever.
Matron: Take her to Ester. Take me too.
Zell: But you�re the sorceress.
Matron: your point being?
Zell: I guess I don�t have one.
They go to Ester. You use Matron in your party, but then she leaves before you can take back all the magic you junctioned to her. You get so pissed you don�t play the game for about 3 weeks.
Odine: You gotta go to space to save Rinoa.
Squall: Whatever.
They go to space. Bad move. Rinoa released some monsters, and starts floating through space.
Squall: I just realized I love her. Of all the crappy timing, now I gotta go save her.
Squall dons a spacesuit and jumps out. He catches her.
Squall: It�s a good thing this ship that�s been missing for 20 years just happened to be here at this exact place and time that it is most needed. Someone up there loves me.
Laguna: If you compress time, you can stop Ultimicia.
Squall: Who?
Laguna: Ultimicia.
Squall: Whatever.
They compress time. They go through Ultimicia�s castle. With a combination of encounter none, restore, revive and limit breaks the castle is remarkably easy.
Ultimicia: Here�s my only role in the game I�d better not screw it up� PREPARE TO DIE, SEEBS� oh, crap I screwed it up. :(
Squall does Lion Heart. She dies because she can't say anything else.
Squall: That�s it?!? You�re a sorceress from the future! At least put up a decent fight!
Everyone: How do we get back, exactly?
They get back (somehow)
The most amazing FMV I�ve ever seen ensues.
The End
Final Fantasy I
Four heros arrive
Hero 1: Who are we?
Hero 2: Beats the hell out of me.
Hero 3: We do have these crystals�
Hero 4: I know, lets kill these element creatures and see if our crystals light up.
They kill some monsters, their crystals light up.
Hero 1: This is fun.
Hero 2: Now lets travel back in time because the first guy we killed� he wasn�t dead back then.
Hero 3: If we can travel back in time, why don�t we travel to a point where he�s still a baby, and kill him then?
Hero 4: Or even travel back far enough to stop every evil act that�s ever been committed?
But, of course, Hero 3 and 4 were a thief and red mage so they were USELESS and thus ignored by everyone else.
Chaos: Now I�ll destroy you.
Hero 1: I don�t think so, I�m a Ninja with a quick spell!
Chaos dies, ending sucks.
Final Fantasy IV (II in the united states)
Cecil: Being a red wing sucks. We have to steal, loot and pillage and my crew speaks Russian. (only a Canadian or a hockey fan would get that joke)
Golbez: With the king under my control I can collect the crystals and go to the moon to receive some unknown and untested power.
Cecil: Not if I turn into a paladin first and stop you.
Cecil turns into a Paladin, but before he can finally kick the s*** out of Golbez�
Golbez: Wait, I�m your bro. Sorry about all the wet willies. Go to the moon and kill Zemus.
Cecil: But I wanna kill you�
Instead Cecil goes to the moon.
Zemus: I�ll turn into Zeromus and kill you.
Cecil: No you won�t, cause I have all Crystal gear with Adamant armor.
Zeromus: How did you get that?
Cecil: I played this f***ing game for over 250 hours.
Zeromus, unable to compete with the fact that Cecil has no life, succumbs to the inevitable.
Cecil: Sweet, now I can rule Baron and collect all the crystals for myself! Ah ha ha ha.
To be continued?
Final Fantasy V
Some stuff happens. Some more stuff happens. Galuf dies and is replaced by a chick who is 99% forehead. They kill some stuff, some more stuff happens, and suddenly the game is over. What a rip off.
Final Fantasy VI
Terra: I think I�ll kill this town, grab the esper and be on my way. Oh, ****, the esper knows me.
Locke: Never fear, you were possessed by this slave crown.
Terra: Oh, okay. Let�s destroy the empire.
Emporer: oh look, goddess statues. I hope someone doesn�t betray me on my own island and steal the power to make him (or her) a god.
Kefka: I�m going to betray you on your own island and steal the power to make me a god.
Kefka causes a small apocalypse.
Cecles: Crap, the world is an ugly brown colour, the overworld music sucks and I don�t know where I am. Oh well, at least I can kill Cid.
She kills Cid.
Celes: Oh look, a raft. I think I�ll re-unite myself with my friends and defeat Kefka.
She reunites herself with her friends.
Terra: Thank god you found me, I was worried that the audience would forget that I�M THE MAIN CHARACTER!
Celes: No you�re not, I am.
Locke: I�d hate to break it to you ladies, but I am.
Setzer: Excuse me, WHO has the airship again?
They fight for a while. No one wins, but they kill Umaro without anyone noticing.
Celes: Oh, nevermind, lets just split into three groups and kill Kefka.
Everyone else: That works.
They ALL meet up with Kefa (except for Umaro who they killed and Relm who is useless)
Kefka: You think you can kill me?!? I�m a GOD!
Celes: Yeah, but we have an advantage you don�t have.
Kefka: And what�s that?
Celes: We have 14 MAIN characters, all ready to kick your ass.
Kefka: oh, ****.
Cool music plays, kefka dies.
Celes: Sweet, Kefka is dead.
But so is the world. Sucks to be the world. The End.
Final Fantasy VII:
Barret: Shinra sure sucks, don�t it? Lets kill a few reactors.
Cloud: Only if you pay me.
But the assignment was botched and Cloud ends up with Aeris.
Cloud: I�m cloud, I�m a soldier first class.
Aeris: I�m Aeris, I�m an ancient.
Cloud cross-dresses, meets up with Tifa.
Tifa: I�m a life support system for breasts.
Barret: We have no time for that, Shinra�s going to destroy sector 7.
They do, everyone gets pissed.
But that�s okay, cause Sephiroth kills the president.
Cloud: Wait, Sephiroth�s still alive? I have a score to settle with him.
Because none of the other characters have lives, they follow Cloud under the misguided notion that Cloud is really stopping Sephiroth because Seffie wants to go to the promised land.
Cloud: Oh look, Black materia.
Sephiroth: I�ll take that.
Seffie summons meteor.
Cloud: This sucks.
Seffie: I think I�ll also kill Aeris.
Cloud: This sucks more.
Aeris dies.
Tifa: I�m a life support system for breasts.
Sephiroth: You never were in soldier at all, were you cloud?
Cloud: No, I wasn�t. I was worried Tifa wouldn�t like me, so I lied.
Tifa: I�m a life support system for breasts.
Cloud: Lets go kill Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: You can�t kill me, I�m by far the best villain in any of the Final Fantasy games.
Cloud: You�re right, we can't.
They don�t kill Sephiroth, Meteor hits, everyone dies but Sephiroth who feeds off the energy and becomes God. The end.
Final Fantasy VIII
Squall: I�m introverted.
Seifer: I�m an asshole. Let�s fight! :D
They do and get matching scars.
Cid: Okay, you�ve passed your seed exam. Seifer, disregard the last statement. Everyone else, go help Rinoa.
Squall: Whatever.
Their plan fails because they are DUMBASSES.
Cid: Let�s just shoot the Sorceress.
Squall: Whatever.
They try to, but this plan fails too.
Quistis: Wanna try for the sorceress again?
Cid: No time for that now, Galbania is attacking.
Squall: Whatever.
Galbania attacks. The attack must�ve sucked, though, or they wern�t trying very hard. At any rate their fully trained Seeds fell with one swipe of Squall�s gunblade, who is still just finishing his training.
They then attack the Sorceress.
Zell: Yippie we won.
Irvine: But Rinoa�s in a coma.
Squall: Whatever.
Matron: Take her to Ester. Take me too.
Zell: But you�re the sorceress.
Matron: your point being?
Zell: I guess I don�t have one.
They go to Ester. You use Matron in your party, but then she leaves before you can take back all the magic you junctioned to her. You get so pissed you don�t play the game for about 3 weeks.
Odine: You gotta go to space to save Rinoa.
Squall: Whatever.
They go to space. Bad move. Rinoa released some monsters, and starts floating through space.
Squall: I just realized I love her. Of all the crappy timing, now I gotta go save her.
Squall dons a spacesuit and jumps out. He catches her.
Squall: It�s a good thing this ship that�s been missing for 20 years just happened to be here at this exact place and time that it is most needed. Someone up there loves me.
Laguna: If you compress time, you can stop Ultimicia.
Squall: Who?
Laguna: Ultimicia.
Squall: Whatever.
They compress time. They go through Ultimicia�s castle. With a combination of encounter none, restore, revive and limit breaks the castle is remarkably easy.
Ultimicia: Here�s my only role in the game I�d better not screw it up� PREPARE TO DIE, SEEBS� oh, crap I screwed it up. :(
Squall does Lion Heart. She dies because she can't say anything else.
Squall: That�s it?!? You�re a sorceress from the future! At least put up a decent fight!
Everyone: How do we get back, exactly?
They get back (somehow)
The most amazing FMV I�ve ever seen ensues.
The End