I was kinda thinking of putting my storry on this, and I dunno.........

See, my story is like a FF in a coupla ways, but it's not at the same time. At least I think so. And it went and came into my head as a game so it could be a game, and then I lumped the movie bits together and....................... I haven't written it down yet, it's still stuck in my head, I've managed to put up the begining in some places, but people just keep going on and on about me getting to the point yada yada.

And one last thing, I'm not saying I'm a good writer, I'm not saying my ideas all that good, all I want is one little spot to put it down without people yelling that I write too slow. So what if I describe lots? My story, my style! All I'm saying is this is my thing, please don't yell or call it a pile of shit, ok? Most of the things on this have just about no replies, or certain people yelling at them for being 'shit'. Just remember, I'm only a 13 year old kid, so don't expect some amazing author to be with talent dribbling out of her ears, cause I'm not. People just think I'm kinda ok.

Well yeah, that's it, I'll write my story later cause I have to get off now.

I look forward to hearing it.
Dont worry I won't yell at you ^^

Listen, the people here on the forum wouldn't give half a shit if you were four, they would still rip your stories apart and spit on them.

ha, I got bored and forgot I made this one...................... and my user......................... I am such an idiot............................

Oh yeah, my story, it's called Black Death. No reason, I just thought that name was as crap as the story. I'm so crap with names -_- I mean, my best story had the name 'I.......... am........... alone?' It was another forum, but I deleted it cause it was too long. But the story, must start the story.


Black Death

Chapter one: Wandering Spirit

A fifteen year old girl, dressed in black, slowly walked down a coridor. Her large, thick, black coat went almost to her ankles. Her leather hiking boots had large silver spikes running along then, ending just above the cuffs of her jeans. A black polo neck hugged her body, but was barely visible through the masses of black hair hanging over it.
"Sorry miss, you can't come down here," rasped a guard standing before a door. The girl looked up at him, her deep brown eyes glinting dangerously in the electric lighting.
"But......... I'm here on bussiness........" whispered the girl in a strangely melodious voice. Her eyes began to pulse blue end to end, glowing slightly all the while. The guard pulled out his gun, but before he could fire it, his eyes pulsed the same blue. An invisible force picked him up by the back of his leather jacket, and raised him till his head brushed the ceiling. He was dropped, his head cracking loudly as it hit the floor. The girl didn't even glance at the barely breathing body of the guard before sighing "Second rate guards," and stepping over him to reach the door. It swung open of it's own accord, shutting itself behind the girl.



What do you think? So far I mean, if that was it I'd seriously smack my head in. But back to the point, you want anymore? Like finding out who that girl is for a start. Well, I'll type up more later. See ya

Listen, the people here on the forum wouldn't give half a shit if you were four, they would still rip your stories apart and spit on them.

yeah, they would. I've been to bout 8 other ones (I joined today, yup, I'm a computer nut) and it's two or three people who do it, can't remember their names, but you shouldn't say anything if all you've got to say is ' You call that good? That was the most shit thing I've seen on this site, and I've seen it all' I mean, come on!

Not bad for a 13 year old, I suppose. Your grammar leaves a little bit to be desired, but is probably above average for your age. You also have fairly decent word usage and your sentences aren't terribly repetitive. I paid absolutely no attention to content, so no comment there.

I don't care about the story in the slightest, but I believe you have the necessary ability. Keep writing and always look for ways to polish your style.

LOOK, I DIDN'T BASH SOMEONE!

Im so proud of you Prak.

I agree, that was pretty good for your age. Your going to have to write some more because I can't really comment on the story unless I see what happens next.

Im so proud of you Prak.

I agree, that was pretty good for your age. Your going to have to write some more because I can't really comment on the story unless I see what happens next.

Yeah, I know, I didn't want to put in that much first time over, people might still have burned it, but thanks for not. Any way, back to the story.



A long grey corridor, echoing with silence and the memories of battles fought long ago, lay a head of her. The girls� eyes� focused on the dull, wooden door at the other end of the corridor.
As she took a step forward a man swung round a corner. For a second he froze and stared at her, then shook his head and shouted �BREACH!� as he pulled out a gun. The girl didn�t move when he shot at her, but her eyes flickered pale blue, and the bullet stopped in front of her face. She blinked, and the bullet shot the guy in the hand, destroying the gun.
A heavily armed group was accumulating behind him. The girl shook her head pityingly, and her eyes flashed marble blue, an orb of the same colour appeared around her, dissolving the bullets shot at her into dust.
By the time the girl reached the door at the other end of the corridor, dust from assorted weapons, and unconscious bodies littered the place.
The wooden door led to a shorter, better decorated red corridor. Beautiful paintings hung from the walls, and delicate sculptures lined the corridor. The girl walked down it, ignoring the complimentary decoration, and slid open a white futuristic door. It led to a black, white and chrome room. A woman in a short, grey skirt, white blouse and grey jacket was leaning against a table, �Eran Cumber?� she asked.
�Ms Haros?� asked the girl, nodding.
�Yes, you�re late. If you want to be part of The City, then you will have to work on your timing, you can�t assassinate anyone if your twenty minutes late,� scolded the woman. Eran glared at her.
�Firstly, I don�t want to join here, I�m joining so you�ll stop trying to track down and kill my cousin. And secondly, your guards tried to stop me. You have to work on your security. Don�t try to coach me on assassination, I haven�t had a good day,� Eran hissed. Ms Haros backtracked, reminding herself that this Spanish girl wasn�t someone to be taken lightly. Eran Cumber may seem perfectly harmless, but she didn�t need her magic to kill, as the long, sharp and slightly rusted butchers knife on her belt warned.
�What?� she glared. She had let the home-guard standards slip a bit, but not that much, not so much that a girl could get to the central rooms basically unchallenged when the guards didn�t know she was expected, �How? The whole City is a guard. How could you get past everyone?� Her eyes widened, �Are you a Black?�
�No,� Eran shook her head and smiled slightly, �And so what if I am? Would you just kill me? And lose everything you�ve been trying to get hold of for years?� Ms Haros considered it, weighing her options. This girl had been tarnishing The City�s reputation for the past two years by having an amazingly unbreakable concentration. No one had managed to turn her head for more than a moment, and even then, it was only to injure them sufficiently. Save for one person, a student at The Academy, who had gone up against her before she had a name for herself, as an exam. But students couldn�t go on dangerous missions until they had graduated. Not the kind Eran Cumber had taken a liking to, anyway. She was so deadly she was a legend, in this business anyway. She couldn�t afford to lose her, �You can�t, can you? Now take the trackers off my cousin,�
�Are you sure you want that? He deserted The City. He could do the same to you,� Smiled Ms Haros, boiling with rage.
�He did what you wanted him to do. He killed her. He came back, gave the regulation summary of the mission, and then told you he was retiring,� glared Eran.
�Once you join The City there is no retiring. The only escape is death. It�s part of every contract we write. Now sign,� Ms Haros held out her hand, and her eyes flared velvet blue. A cream light flash lit her hand, and a formal contract appeared. Erans� eyes� flicked over it.
�It doesn�t say anything about getting the trackers off Victors back,� she said in a deceptively calm way, �We agreed that he would be forgiven and left alone. And it is the only reason I�m here,�
�Ah, yes. I�ll just add it. May I ask why?� Ms Haros growled, scribbling on the contract.
�If you want,� muttered Eran, tossing her knife into the air and catching it.
�Well?� Ms Haros asked, handing the contract over
�I didn�t say I�d answer,� smiled Eran, scanning the contents, and finally signing it.
�You�re very lucky you signed over, that boy, he graduates in a few months,� commented Ms Haros. Erans� eyes� widened, and she whispered a name under her breath. �Pardon?� smiled Ms Haros.
�N-nothing,� muttered Eran, biting her lip. Ms Haros shook her head slightly.
�He should be here. I left a message,�
�What? You went and�� forget it. What the hell could he be doing any way?�
�Well there was an exam a few hours ago. But I don�t see what could go wrong. It was only killing someone,�
�Who? Do you really think it would be so easy if it was someone like Janet Estras?�
�It�s something funny you should say that��
�It was Janet Estras, wasn�t it?�
�Well, it may be, but I got a call saying that they�d succeeded several hours ago,�
�You haven�t had a confirmation call, have you?�
�No but��
�How many hours?�
�Five,�
�They could be dead by now you idiot. You just- I�m locating them,�
�Jon without a h, Jakson with out a c,� Ms Haros muttered, as Erans� eyes� flashed medium blue.



If that's not alot, I don't know what is. Starts off slow, doesn't it? I haven't even introduced the main character yet..........

Its good so far although I got pretty confused at the end. Could you explain what is goin on?

It is hard to take criticism on the chin but there is nothing worse than someone tearing your work to pieces under the criticism banner. It does happen way too much on here. However as MMM pointed out before a lot of people just don't listen. Prak is a little less harsh than MMM. Thanks to Prak and TK I amended a few points in a short story of mine and it really came out better. So yeah thanks guys!

uh......... how to put this........ ok, Ms Haros mentions a boy, right? He's Jon Jakson, the only person who managed to beat Eran, that happened about two years ago. Victor is Erans cousin. Janet Estras is some really good fighter or something. The City is like a military place.

thats all I can think of, so yeah, I guess I'll start now, and it switches POV now.



Jon tried to shoot at the approaching figure, but the clicks just reminded him that his gun was empty. The figure was visible now; a black hood and cloak hid her from her victims, in case one could ever get away. Her eyes flickered pale blue, and spinning daggers appeared in front of her. She flicked her hand towards Jon, and the daggers sped towards him. At the last moment an ice blue shield appeared in front of Jon, dissolving the daggers into dust.
Slow footsteps clicked behind him. He turned slowly; an Irish looking girl with blond hair and blue eyes was walking towards him. She was wearing a white fluffy-collared vest coat, a black jumper, dark blue jeans and dark heeled boots. He started backing away from her, and remembered the woman who had attacked him. Slowly he looked from the girl to his attacker. This was it; he was going to die in the middle of a magic fight. What a way to go. The girl pulled her hand out of her pocket. A silver and sapphire ring glinted on her index finger. The attacker called it, and held it up to the light.
�Could get a few bucks for this,� she muttered. The girls eyes shone in the streetlight, she kept clenching and unclenching her fists, �Not worth much though,� the attacker continued. The girls� eyes� burned white, just like the flames that devoured the attacker. She walked up to the ashes and knelt beside them.
�A word of advice,� whispered the girl, sifting through the ashes for her ring, �no one touches my ring,� she stood up, sliding the ring onto her finger. Then she turned towards Jon, and started walking towards him. Jon backed up until he was against the wall. The girl stopped in front of him, �You know her,� She pressed a vial of swirling, coloured mist into his hand, �you will break this when you need my help. You will keep it safe for as long as you can,�
�What? Who�re talking about?� Jon asked.
�Sleep,� the words had power behind them, Jon could feel it, but he was getting so tired. He shook his head, he had to get back to base, but he could barely move. Slowly he slid onto the floor, struggling to stay awake. The girl looked up. �No,� she breathed, melting into the shadows. A black portal appeared in the middle of the road. Another girl stepped through it, she was just a blur, but somehow he knew it was a girl.
�Jon,� she sighed, that voice was so familiar. Was she�
�Eran?� he choked, as old wounds tore him apart. She knelt beside him.
�You�� her voice was fading out, �Jo�� He drifted away.


sorry this is so short, but I don't get that much time on a computer.

Look, make it easier on people. If you want to post your story, write the whole thing first and post it all at once. Preferably post it as a PDF. These serialized stories get to be a real nuisance.

Paragraphs wouldn't hurt, either.

Look, make it easier on people. If you want to post your story, write the whole thing first and post it all at once. Preferably post it as a PDF. These serialized stories get to be a real nuisance.
Don't rush her prak! I think it's pretty good.

ok, I'll type it all up first......... this is gonna take months....... or, maybe I could do a chapter at a time


Paragraphs wouldn't hurt, either.

And I did put paragraphs, sorry if they didn't show up

well, I said I'd post the rest of it, but I typed the whole thing up, and now I've desided to sort it out when I'm a couple of years older, and then publish it. Hope no one was disappointed or anything (highly unlikely, but still)

well, I said I'd post the rest of it, but I typed the whole thing up, and now I've desided to sort it out when I'm a couple of years older, and then publish it. Hope no one was disappointed or anything (highly unlikely, but still)

youre story is actually the most interesting story ive read at the shrine. i really am dissapointed that i cant read more

Please. Whole thing at once. After you proofread. I hate scrolling up and down to read your whole story.

Yes, we are all curious how the story will advance thus far, in an interesting way.

Oh and if you try to publish it, I wish you all the luck in the world. Just remember not to give up. Gone with the Wind was rejected like 10000 times before it got published.

youre story is actually the most interesting story ive read at the shrine. i really am dissapointed that i cant read more

You could try shadowblade, they're pertty good

edited: Sorry, it wasn't shadowblade (no offence) it was someone who writes all in red... with the word shadow in their name...

edit2: Shadowblade's actually pretty awesome

His story wasn't that bad either.

yeah, I know, but the guy I was talking about was really great at it

im bored and this made me even more bored. stop trying

I HAVE!!!!!! Maybe I should just put it in big red letters...

I'm NOT writing this story anymore

your sentences aren't terribly repetitive.

I believe you have the necessary ability. Keep writing and always look for ways to polish your style.

Wooow Prak, no offence, and don't take this the wrong way but, This is the first time I've seen you compliment someone on their writing skills. Yes WRITING SKILLS

IceAngel100, you have just got a compliment by Prak,
:-D !!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!! :-D
Why the big congrats? ...... you have just recieved a compliment from (in my opinion) the "Simon Cowel" of the whole "Fiction & Poetry" Forum,


IceAngel100, you should be proud of your work, Prak is the man when it comes to Writing........

Prak is also the man when it comes to criticising......

MY GOD!!!! That the first time?! I'm in awe... maybe I'm not shit... maybe I should start listening to all those friends... hm...THANK YOU!!!

Not bad for a 13 year old, I suppose. Your grammar leaves a little bit to be desired, but is probably above average for your age. You also have fairly decent word usage and your sentences aren't terribly repetitive. I paid absolutely no attention to content, so no comment there.

I don't care about the story in the slightest, but I believe you have the necessary ability. Keep writing and always look for ways to polish your style.


Listen, If you got a compliment from Prak, then it really means something. Don't stop writing.

I'm gonna publish it... but I could figure out a new story for you guys, man I luv to write!!

I think you've made a really good start

I think that the story could have been made easier to read through the use of spaced out paragraphs but I liked how the story was going.

Don't give up, practice makes perfect =)