Jonny
04-25-2005, 08:07 PM
A book I started when I was 13/14 but never got near finished. Their was supposed to be things about 7 foot midgets near were it finished but life and boredom got in the way.
1: The beginning
Greetings and welcome to the greatest story ever told (by me) or second greatest depending if there is or not a sequel. This story unlike many stories you may have heard is true! Wait no sorry that was a lie it's fiction and a ruddy good fiction at that. In Scotland (a ruddy wet Scotland) lives a young man at 25, number 25 that is, he's 21. Now this man is considered a bit of a weirdo by most people. This is due mainly to the fact that that he believes that his dog is planning world domination by sticking lots of sticks together to make one giant stick. He also happens to live with his mother in the countryside, in the nice little cottage of number 25. No wait sorry that was wrong he no longer lives with his mother she lives with him (it changed when he became the one that had to avoid paying the bills). The man I am talking about is none other than the great Ted who it is doubtless that you have never heard of. This is because few people know him and those that do tend to pretend they don't. At Ted's home is were this story begins. It was one very rare vary sunny day and Ted lay bored beyond belief on his deck chair because all his friend were away somewhere and his mother was out for the day. As he lay thinking of something to do he seen his dog chasing a bird that just stole his stick for stick rhymes with kick but orange doesn't rhyme with anything which somehow made him think that he could make a friend. With great excitement he leaped up from the deck chair and ran straight into a wall. After about five minuets he got up and decided this time to find the door. He searched his house for something anything that he could use to make a friend but sadly due to the fact his mother had done some spring cleaning there was nothing but some paper and pencils. After a few hours of running about the house with the pencils stuck up his nose and in his ears and some other places that shouldn't be mentioned he decided to continue with his plan. He eventually settled on drawing some eyes on a piece of paper (for effect). He spent the best part of an hour deciding what kind of eyes to do, he eventually settled on round ones (with eyebrows). "What to call him" Ted mumbled to himself, which was rare because he believed that talking to your self was the first sign of madness. He stared at the piece of paper for a few minuets and eventually settled on Apopweoife (a piece of paper with eyes on it for effect) but then thought that was crap so decided to call him Ralph. With great excitement he jumped as high as he could in the air and ran straight into a wall. Ten minuets later he got up and definitely decided that he should use doors from now on. He went out side and looked around trying to decide were to go but if he had known what was going to happen next he would have done it much sooner. "Were are we going," said a strange and hollow voice
"I don't know yet" replied Ted who then realised someone else was there and screamed in fright. "Shut up you big wimp" came the voice again
"Who said that?" said Ted who was now shaking with fear (like a big girl)
"Me dumb ass" Ted looked down at the piece of paper in his hand "yes me you big twat" Ted leapt back in terror (which was pointless since he was holding the paper and it put he and it no further apart). He stood for a moment in shock, for he never had a friend that could speak before except Jim but that's a different story entirely. "I'm not your friend you sad twat" said Ralph (for that is his name!)
"You can read my mind!" said Ted in amazement because he definitely never had a friend who could read minds before. "No I could just tell by the glint in your eye. TWAT."
"Eh? Was that sarcasm? I can never tell you see" said Ted who can never tell. "No it was not you sad twat and what with giving me a name like Ralph didn't you think that was a bit shite?"
"No I thought Apopweoife was a shite name, Ralph sounded ok to me"
"Well it would wouldn't it you twat. How am I supposed to conquer the world with a name like Ralph"
"I don't know, I don't even know how you would do it anyway"
"Shut up" then with a gust of wind Ralph jumped from Ted's hands and flew away and Ted heard the word "twat" as he did so. Ted remained stood there for a few minutes trying to work out several questions he had neglected to ask Ralph like how could he talk without a mouth, were was his brain and why on winter mornings does he feel the need to procrastinate?
*
About five weeks later as Ted waited in his padded cell (The doctors said it was for the best that he stays there after an incident in a pub and a chat about Ralph) he heard a man ask for were his cell was. This confused Ted quite a lot because the man should already be in his cell and therefore unable to ask were it was. It took a few minuets for Ted to realise that the man was asking for his cell not his cell, which then confused him even more. The door to Ted's cell opened slowly with a creak. Which they often do if not opened fast without one. Ted glared at the man now standing the dressed very smartly in a suit. "Sorry about the clown suit" said the man in a rather unappreciative tone, which was understandable, since there was nothing to appreciate. "It's quite ok" Ted reapplied with a more appreciative tone because he was now able to appreciate a bigger twat than himself. "Thank you, you are a very appreciating man." Replied the man. "I know I am," said Ted confidently "and may I ask why are you here?"
"Yes you may"
"Why are you here"
"Oh sorry I nearly forgot something. I am supposed to hit you in the head" he did so. "OH MY GOD!!!!! THE EXTREM AND UNDIEING PAIN THAT IS MY HEAD" The man ignored Ted and continued to talk as he began to cry (in an extremely manly way of cores). " And to tell you that you're an idiot. YOU'RE AN IDIOT. You know that friend you created, Ralph, well he has turned out to be the greatest criminal mastermind that has ever walk the earth. Except Jim but that's a different story altogether. Since this is all your fault you are the one that is going to have to stop him!"
"And why should I do that" the man proceeded to take a gun from his pocket it and point it a Ted's special place. "OK OK I'll do it" said Ted with a lot of fear in his voice which it seemed he didn't try to hid though you wouldn't would you, well not in that situation. "Good" said the man, sounding rather pleased with himself. The man then walked coolly over to Ted and smacked him in the head with the gun. Ted then went into darkness and remembered thinking how odd it was that he never noticed how nice the pads were in his room.
*
Ted woke up with a bang because as soon as he did so he got hit in the head again and then went into a greater deal of darkness. Ted then slowly opened his eyes a while later and looked around to see what could only be described as a cell unless you described it a something else. The cell however was different to Ted's old cell because this one was not padded and also if you stood up you got hit in the head which Ted did, seventeen times!
1: The beginning
Greetings and welcome to the greatest story ever told (by me) or second greatest depending if there is or not a sequel. This story unlike many stories you may have heard is true! Wait no sorry that was a lie it's fiction and a ruddy good fiction at that. In Scotland (a ruddy wet Scotland) lives a young man at 25, number 25 that is, he's 21. Now this man is considered a bit of a weirdo by most people. This is due mainly to the fact that that he believes that his dog is planning world domination by sticking lots of sticks together to make one giant stick. He also happens to live with his mother in the countryside, in the nice little cottage of number 25. No wait sorry that was wrong he no longer lives with his mother she lives with him (it changed when he became the one that had to avoid paying the bills). The man I am talking about is none other than the great Ted who it is doubtless that you have never heard of. This is because few people know him and those that do tend to pretend they don't. At Ted's home is were this story begins. It was one very rare vary sunny day and Ted lay bored beyond belief on his deck chair because all his friend were away somewhere and his mother was out for the day. As he lay thinking of something to do he seen his dog chasing a bird that just stole his stick for stick rhymes with kick but orange doesn't rhyme with anything which somehow made him think that he could make a friend. With great excitement he leaped up from the deck chair and ran straight into a wall. After about five minuets he got up and decided this time to find the door. He searched his house for something anything that he could use to make a friend but sadly due to the fact his mother had done some spring cleaning there was nothing but some paper and pencils. After a few hours of running about the house with the pencils stuck up his nose and in his ears and some other places that shouldn't be mentioned he decided to continue with his plan. He eventually settled on drawing some eyes on a piece of paper (for effect). He spent the best part of an hour deciding what kind of eyes to do, he eventually settled on round ones (with eyebrows). "What to call him" Ted mumbled to himself, which was rare because he believed that talking to your self was the first sign of madness. He stared at the piece of paper for a few minuets and eventually settled on Apopweoife (a piece of paper with eyes on it for effect) but then thought that was crap so decided to call him Ralph. With great excitement he jumped as high as he could in the air and ran straight into a wall. Ten minuets later he got up and definitely decided that he should use doors from now on. He went out side and looked around trying to decide were to go but if he had known what was going to happen next he would have done it much sooner. "Were are we going," said a strange and hollow voice
"I don't know yet" replied Ted who then realised someone else was there and screamed in fright. "Shut up you big wimp" came the voice again
"Who said that?" said Ted who was now shaking with fear (like a big girl)
"Me dumb ass" Ted looked down at the piece of paper in his hand "yes me you big twat" Ted leapt back in terror (which was pointless since he was holding the paper and it put he and it no further apart). He stood for a moment in shock, for he never had a friend that could speak before except Jim but that's a different story entirely. "I'm not your friend you sad twat" said Ralph (for that is his name!)
"You can read my mind!" said Ted in amazement because he definitely never had a friend who could read minds before. "No I could just tell by the glint in your eye. TWAT."
"Eh? Was that sarcasm? I can never tell you see" said Ted who can never tell. "No it was not you sad twat and what with giving me a name like Ralph didn't you think that was a bit shite?"
"No I thought Apopweoife was a shite name, Ralph sounded ok to me"
"Well it would wouldn't it you twat. How am I supposed to conquer the world with a name like Ralph"
"I don't know, I don't even know how you would do it anyway"
"Shut up" then with a gust of wind Ralph jumped from Ted's hands and flew away and Ted heard the word "twat" as he did so. Ted remained stood there for a few minutes trying to work out several questions he had neglected to ask Ralph like how could he talk without a mouth, were was his brain and why on winter mornings does he feel the need to procrastinate?
*
About five weeks later as Ted waited in his padded cell (The doctors said it was for the best that he stays there after an incident in a pub and a chat about Ralph) he heard a man ask for were his cell was. This confused Ted quite a lot because the man should already be in his cell and therefore unable to ask were it was. It took a few minuets for Ted to realise that the man was asking for his cell not his cell, which then confused him even more. The door to Ted's cell opened slowly with a creak. Which they often do if not opened fast without one. Ted glared at the man now standing the dressed very smartly in a suit. "Sorry about the clown suit" said the man in a rather unappreciative tone, which was understandable, since there was nothing to appreciate. "It's quite ok" Ted reapplied with a more appreciative tone because he was now able to appreciate a bigger twat than himself. "Thank you, you are a very appreciating man." Replied the man. "I know I am," said Ted confidently "and may I ask why are you here?"
"Yes you may"
"Why are you here"
"Oh sorry I nearly forgot something. I am supposed to hit you in the head" he did so. "OH MY GOD!!!!! THE EXTREM AND UNDIEING PAIN THAT IS MY HEAD" The man ignored Ted and continued to talk as he began to cry (in an extremely manly way of cores). " And to tell you that you're an idiot. YOU'RE AN IDIOT. You know that friend you created, Ralph, well he has turned out to be the greatest criminal mastermind that has ever walk the earth. Except Jim but that's a different story altogether. Since this is all your fault you are the one that is going to have to stop him!"
"And why should I do that" the man proceeded to take a gun from his pocket it and point it a Ted's special place. "OK OK I'll do it" said Ted with a lot of fear in his voice which it seemed he didn't try to hid though you wouldn't would you, well not in that situation. "Good" said the man, sounding rather pleased with himself. The man then walked coolly over to Ted and smacked him in the head with the gun. Ted then went into darkness and remembered thinking how odd it was that he never noticed how nice the pads were in his room.
*
Ted woke up with a bang because as soon as he did so he got hit in the head again and then went into a greater deal of darkness. Ted then slowly opened his eyes a while later and looked around to see what could only be described as a cell unless you described it a something else. The cell however was different to Ted's old cell because this one was not padded and also if you stood up you got hit in the head which Ted did, seventeen times!