(I've been thinking about this story that I made a couple years ago, and this is a better and improved version of it. This is all I've written thus far. Critique and comments, please =).)

CHAPTER ONE


The day was coming to an end as several people left the small saloon of Bluwood village, each of them smoking on cigars. The very few people that were still out on the streets were clearly outsiders, having dressed differently and such. Just as the last shop was closed, a group of four arrived at the towns entrance. It was lead by a short female wearing a silky black garment, her dark hair tied back into a ponytail. Her weapon of choice, as the others, was a long dagger. They indeed were a suspicious bunch, capturing the attention of those that were near.

The girl inspected the place, then turned around to face her comrades. �I will search the saloon. I want the three of you to wait for me at that tree we passed up not too long ago. It may take awhile, but you must bare with me.� They nod their heads in agreement, keeping a stiff posture, and then left as soon as the girl turned her back to them. This was the second town she had been to since setting foot on Chanian soil. The buildings were differently designed compared to Egoiya�s usual brown and decayed houses. They weren�t exactly higher class, but their structure was more stable.
Kibiki, the female�s name, approached the saloon�s doors and stepped inside. There were some vacant tables where people sat at and played cards. At the bar sat 5 people who were emptying their lives into a bottle of whiskey. A waiter was busy at cleaning the tables in the corner while the bar tender handed out drinks to his customers. Kibiki headed over to the bar, looking around the room, her head held high. She looked like she was in her late teens, so she�d have no luck at getting any liquor.
She took her seat between two men. The guy on her left seemed drunk, so she turned to the fat one on her right. �Excuse me sir, but have you heard any recent gossip on a man named Mondo Shiharra? I�m looking for him.� He stared at her with his lids slightly lowered, his mouth hidden by a scraggly black beard. �Can�t say I have..but-� Kibiki was suddenly too distracted to listen to him when she felt the touch of somebody�s hand on her outer thigh. Startled, she turned her head to see who was invading her personal space. �HOW DARE YOU--� The man was stunningly handsome, strands of his auburn hair dangling over his deep green eyes. He wore a slight smile on his face. �I can tell you a lotta things �bout this Moondo.. Shithar.� His breath wreaked of alcohol and his words were lopsided. She gave him an icy look, the color of her face turning into a slight shade of pink. She was trying to refrain herself from slapping him, because if she did such an action, the man would probably tell her nothing.
She gave his hand a disgusted look as it was still touching her thigh. Brushing it off, she scooted a mere three inches away from him. �Would you be kind to.. share some of this information?� Her eyes were a vivid hazel blue as she looked at him reluctantly, waiting for him to speak. He slapped his chest, letting out a soundless burp. �Well.. heh. I�d like something in return for such valuable info to be spilled.� At that, Kibiki rested her elbow on the table, leaning her head against her hand. �..Um. What exactly would you want in return?� Her voice became ragged. He leaned towards her so that their faces were only an inch apart. He opened his mouth to speak, Kibiki�s brows furrowing, when he was interrupted by a male�s voice. �Shizama, stop trying to score with the little girls, will you!?�
Shizama�s(the man�s name) eyes widened and he turned to see a rather tall man with brown hair that went past his ears. �J-Juro...� Kibiki was in the midst of this, not knowing who these two idiots were. She was more concerned about the information this drunken moron was going to tell her. �Why are you hanging out in bars, little girl?� Juro stepped in between her and Shizama, leaning against the counter. He spoke with a low voice as he scanned her over with brown eyes. �I�m.. I�m looking for somebody.� She glanced at the drunk, wondering if he was going to tell her or not. Juro furrowed his brows. �Looking for a man? You wont find one here if that�s what you�re about.�
Kibiki gritted her teeth. She couldn�t take this foolishness any longer. She pushed herself out of the stool, hands clenched at both sides, and started to yell at the two men. �I�m looking for a man named Mondo Shiharra, DAMNIT! IF NEITHER OF YOU KNOW, THEN MY TIME HERE HAS BEEN SPENT!� Fuming with anger, she turned and started to leave when a powerful hand gripped her arm, pulling her back. �Now just wait a minute.� She looked at Shizama who seemed quite amused. She tried to break free of his grasp, but that only resulted in him pulling her onto his lap, tightly holding her. �I�ll tell you about Mondo. But that�s only if you stop being so antsy.�
Juro sat on the stool next to them and ordered a drink from the bar tender, getting ready to listen to their conversation. Kibiki didn�t like being held by a stranger; she didn�t like it at all. �You dirty son of a b--� He clasped his hand over her mouth, his left arm tightly pinning both of her arms together. When the bar tender came up to them to ask if everything was okay, Juro said that they were just having another one of their family feuds.
Shizama, still keeping Kibiki in a tight grip, strode over to the door and went outside. The minute he let her go, she kicked him hard in the knee. While he cursed in pain, she straightened her clothes and brushed some hair out of her face. �Tell me about Mondo NOW, damnit.� After getting over the pain he felt in his knee, Shizama rested the weight of his body against the stair-railing. He studied Kibiki�s angry face. �Why do you want to know about him?� She focused her attention on the wooden planks she stood on, thinking about the reason why. �Because I�m tired of seeing his own people enslaved by my father�s men..� The thought rang through her head, but she knew she couldn�t give away her secret to some stranger.
She looked up at Shizama. �Because Emperor Egoiya has ordered me to kill him. I�m not supposed to tell anyone that, but you hold information that I need in order to complete my mission.� She saw a look of dull interest in this man�s eyes as she finished explaining. He tucked his hand underneath his chin and closed his eyes. �I see..� They both remained silent for some time, Kibiki blinking at him, waiting for a response. Then she realized something. �How are you not drunk all of a sudden?� Shizama looked at her, tilting his head. �..I was never drunk in the first place.�
His smile was what sent her off her rocker for the 3rd time. �...Stop making a fool out of me and tell me what you know! I�ve spent far too much time trying to get something out of you.� Giving her one last look, which was quite grim, he turned his back to her and slowly stepped off of the saloon porch. �You�ll have to come with me to find out.�
Kibiki was enraged. She was about to go on a tirade, but Juro walked out of the saloon. �Ma�am, we need to go somewhere right now. You�ll have to wait another time until you can get a response.� He gave her a polite smile as she stood there, tempted to shred him to pieces. Juro walked over to Shizama�s side, Shizama turning to face Kibiki. �We are on our way to the next town. It�s 2 days away from here. If you�re that desperate to know about Mondo, you can follow us.� They slowly turned from her and started to walk away, ignoring the insults she threw at them from behind. If she hadn�t stormed off in a hurry to her waiting comrades, she would have noticed the two men laughing.

You have a basic idea of structure, but you lack descriptive flair in this piece. Hence, repetition seems really, really arduous.

Also, a rule I was taught a good eleven years ago, that I've never been sure is right, is that in writing you don't write the number as a number but as a word unless it's over ninety-nine. I know it's weird, ignore it if you want.

Every so often you also mix between " and ' - quotation marks are what you're looking for in dialogue.

I dunno, you just seem to lack that neccessary flair to hide repetition. There're other words and descriptions you could've used. It's not awful, in fact, it'd be good if there was a little work done on it. Just work at your style I guess.

When I was done writing it, and over-read it, I felt like I didn't put as much description in it as I wanted to. I was trying not to give any spoilers away, cause I wanted to continue this. Everytime I look back at something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I realize how much better I can do.

When I was done writing it, and over-read it, I felt like I didn't put as much description in it as I wanted to. I was trying not to give any spoilers away, cause I wanted to continue this. Everytime I look back at something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I realize how much better I can do.
That's good then. Not defeatist, but not overconfident. Don't worry so much about spoilers; hint at stuff, yeah, but you're not going to go all out and spoil anything.