This is the prologue of the book that I'm writing, The Tale of Tarius. I'm having a great tiem writing this, and I hope you will have half as good a time reading it. So, please give me some feedback. And be honest, even if I'm just thirteen I can take negativ oppinions. ;)

Prologue

Kimal was only three years old that day. Tarius was eleven. Still he was almost the strongest man in the village. They had lived a happy life with their parents, pretty much without problems. But the one, big problem was this:
The village was one of the last that fought the King, a man with way too much power and way too many mental problems. He controlled most of the planet at the time, and the Rebellions where not many. Tarius� birthplace, Gandraria, was the biggest city left fighting. Every other kingdom had fallen under the King, and many people who once called themselves proud Rebellions had converted into the Kings Men. Even Tarius and Kimals older brother had fallen into the Kings hands, and was now out slaying innocent women and children.
But there was that one day, on Tarius� eleventh birthday, that everything went so terribly wrong. It was at night, and most of the people in the village had gone to sleep. Tarius� father was guarding the gates, and Tarius had fallen asleep by his side. He was actually about to fall asleep himself. But then he heard a scream coming from the woods. He woke up Tarius and told him to wait there. Then he disappered between the dark trees.
Tarius waited for fifteen minutes, but started to lose his patience. Suddenly, an arrow in flames flew through the air. It fell to the ground, and the fire died out. Tarius was scared, and was about to run back into the village, when he heard the Kings Mens battlecry. He started screaming, trying to wake up someone. Anyone. It worked. Some of the villages guards came running, and they saw what the problem was. It wasn�t hard to see. A giantic army of the King came slowly towards the village.
�Wake up the others,� one of them said to another. A couple of them ran back to the village and started waking up everyone they could find.
�Tarius, you must get back,� Yharo said. He was Tarius� best friend, though he was thirty years older.
�I will not leave you here,� Tarius answered. �I will fight with you!�
�You can�t. You are too young.�
�I am a better fighter than half of your army, Yharo.�
�I know that, but you still can�t. Go get your father.�
�I will,� Tarius said. He was angry, but he understood. He started running towards the forest. He stopped in front of it.
�Dad?� he shouted. �Dad, are you there?� He walked a little longer into the dark, cold forest. He saw his father sitting against a tree. He went over to him.
�Dad, wake up! The village is under attack!� His father didn�t move. �Dad, you got to�� His heart stopped. There was a great wound crossing his fathers chest.
�Oh my god,� he whispered. �Dad, what happened?� He started to realise that he wasn�t going to answer. �Oh, dad.� He began to cry. But he realised that crying wouldn�t do any good, and he began feeling hate instead. He hated the Kings Men. He hated the King. And he hated himself for not being there to rescue his father.
The battle had started. Tarius could hear screaming, and metal meating metal in close combat between the two great armies. He felt the hate streaming in his blood, and he rised up from beside his fathers body. He screamed as loud as he could, and punched the nearest tree several times. Then he saw his fathers sword lying on the ground. It was a beautiful sword, it was a little blueish, and it was long. It was actually almost two feet longer then Tarius himself. He picked it up, and he swung it around. It was indeed a good blade, and he couldn�t wait to try it out.
�I�m sorry, dad,� he said, and kissed him on the forehead. �I�ll take care of Kimal. I promise.� Then he lifted the sword an ran into the battle.

Word has it that he slayed hundreds of the Kings Men that day. But he couldn�t save his town. It burned to the ground, and he and his brother were the only survivors. Their mother burned to death inside their house. Tarius was obsessed with revenge, and he knew that he couldn�t get peace before he had killed the King. So he took Kimal with him on his journey. They had nowhere to go, so they just travelled the planet, hiding from the Kings Men.

Actually, this was much better than most of the drivel we see on this forum. You still have a lot of weaknesses, but it's pretty good considering your age. Keep trying and focus on improving. I'd suggest you start with making your descriptions sound less rushed. Figure out what you want people to envision when they read it and put in enough detail for your readers to be able to picture it. As it stands, it sounds like you wrote it more for yourself to read than for others.

I could name more that you could work on, but I believe that it's best to focus on one thing at a time.

Thanks, I'll do that.

I've been working on it a little, but if you could just tell me more of the stuff you said I could fix, I would seriously appreciate it. I know that there probably are some spelling mistakes, but I'll fix that too.

Proofread it man. There are some grammer mistakes there that slipped through because of careless editing, not because you do not know how to edit.

You sentences need to flow, for example:


Kimal was only three years old that day. Tarius was eleven. Still he was almost the strongest man in the village.

The first two sentences are choppy. But I thought you separated the sentences like that for a dramatic effect so I continued to read. "Tarius was eleven. Still he was almost the strongest man in the village."

No. That is disgusting. Combine the sentences, or something. Both those sentences do not flow together and it is hard to read. It is like a game of red light, green light.
The "he" is ambiguous. Is it referring to Tarius or Kimal?


They had lived a happy life with their parents, pretty much without problems. But the one, big problem was this:

Dark Auron, you just made an enormous contradiction there. They pretty much have no problems. Except a ruthless king who is killing everyone and everything. But it is ok since they pretty much have no problems.

Those two sentences are confusing. Your first 5 lines need to be drastically improved if you want your reader to be able to read through your story and pick up some important details (such as who is the strongest man in the village). Keep working on it, I think this story has some huge potential...once it is fixed.

I will comment more on the rest later. I am too tired now.

Keep up the work. Later.

cool lol

Best thing to do is keep re-writing the story, this helps you to correct mistakes, understand the story more so you can add to it, create a better sentence structure, and improves your writing skills.

After finishing re-writing the story, and when your not writing, think of more to add to it, do something that inspires you with new ideas.

I myself, have re-written my novel that I am writing, at least 12 times, and i'm still evolving the plot and filling in some of the gaps, and when im not writing, and not at school, I'm at work, which gives me time to think of my story, plotline, and character information.

I think your story has a good foundation to be worked on!