I could point out everything wrong in the world but no one would listen. Just as I could scream at the top of my lungs but no one would hear me. They would laugh at my thoughts and spit in my face…no one cares.

The meaning behind anything is no longer a factor; people only see the form and structure. No one is concerned with the why, only the how. If we were to dedicate a memorial to those who sacrificed their lives for ours, people would only comment on the structure, never seeing the reason behind the structure. For now we are no longer any different than any other…just another nameless name doing what has been done before. Our efforts our thrown into some category, we become labeled as another mindless being.

The problems ensue…nothing can stop it now. Now I must break my word, soon I shall be into deep to walk away. I have watched too many fall…so many innocent minds destroyed by insignificant attempts to follow the kings. Now those same kings must fall…and with them everything they have built.

Nice!

This is not that well written.


I could point out everything wrong in the world but no one would listen.

Everything wrong with the world but no one would listen.


Just as I could scream at the top of my lungs but no one would hear me.

This is awkard and it feels like you are tripping over your period. Instead of Just as I could scream...the comparison would be much better if you just omitted "Just as".


They would laugh at my thoughts and spit in my face�no one cares.

Who is the "no one" referring to? It should be "they don't care". I dislike this sentence because the three dots break the smooth flow of the paragraph.

That should be a start. I'll tell you about the rest of your piece a few hours later since I have to go eat. So far it sucks. It is confusing and your sentences need to clarified. You should try to improve on making your sentences flow.

Sure thing Professor...I'll notify the committee

Heh. Kiss my candy ass sir. ;) (jkjk)

HAHAHAHHAA.
Kyouto got totally torn apart and blew up like a puffer fish. Who is this Dragoncurry guy? He can be Prak's deputy. The professor...of punishment.

Also, why do people write these 4 line pieces and think that we can actually get anything from them but herpes? Seriously. Why bother.

I don't know much about writing but I thought it was great!:)

HAHAHAHHAA.
Kyouto got totally torn apart and blew up like a puffer fish. Who is this Dragoncurry guy? He can be Prak's deputy. The professor...of punishment.

Also, why do people write these 4 line pieces and think that we can actually get anything from them but herpes? Seriously. Why bother.

It was just an intro to a story I had an idea for, I wrote it in like 3 mins so I expected errors. Still entertaining how you think your a writing god after finishing 10th Grade Lit.

I believe I remember you saying something like this:
"I know anything and everything about poetry, so I know how hard it is to write and thats why I don't try."

Basically like knowing all about sex, but being too afraid to get some. Explains your fear of herpes though...

First of all -

your a writing god
Sir! Your credibility's taken a hit!


I believe I remember you saying something like this:
"I know anything and everything about poetry, so I know how hard it is to write and thats why I don't try."
What I said was "I can't write poetry-" actually, fuck this, I'm going to find the post.

Okay here we go. (http://forums.ffshrine.org/showthread.php?p=245642&highlight=poetry#post245642)

I do not write poetry, because I know, for a fact, that I cannot. A smart man knows his limits, and takes criticism where it is needed. Albeit I was brash and rude, I did actually drop some real stuff upon you. Not that you have any idea what it means. Though I'm sure you'll go and look it up before posting your reply, to prove how much of a "fag" I am.

I've been studying poetry for seven years of my life. Albeit, I spent the greatest amount of time upon it in the last two years, I think I have licence to say I can tell whether something is poetically apt.
Right. I didn't say I knew anything or everything about it. I said that I'd been studying it for some time and thus had some authority of critique. I said that I can't write poetry.

Ding dong, you're wrong.

Well, I can relate to what Monkey's saying, cos I've been involved in basketball for ages, and (not so much currently, since its been awhile), I know a lot of the rules, techniques, terminology, etc. I can critique a basketball player/team/game. However, I'm terribly unathletic, so I don't play anymore.

Why post something, unless its a poem and meant to be short, that is so short, and expect a review on it? Thats like taking a few paragraphs from a book and saying "is this book good or not?" You could make a snap judgement, but odds are, its not going to be accurate.

It was just an intro to a story I had an idea for, I wrote it in like 3 mins so I expected errors.

If you expected errors, why didn't you look over your piece for the errors before you posted it?

If you want other people to do all of work for you, your work doesn't deserve to be read.

If you correct the first few crap lines of your piece using our corrections, then it will be our work, not yours. I thought you were a writer who made some honest mistakes but in actuality, you just want people to correct your errors because you were too lazy to do so yourself.

You don't deserve criticism for your piece now. All you deserve are the following sentences:

Quit writing until you learn to respect your work enough to give it more than three minutes. You are wasting everyone's time.

The point was to get feedback on the concept, I do have great respect for my work as well as that of others. I was experimenting with a concept to see if I could go anywhere with it.

Then you should have specified that you wanted criticism on just the concept and not on how it is written. Now I feel that I I have wasted my time correcting it when there was no need to.