This poem was writen by a student of my school to some silly stupid girl who he has basically never met and thinks he is in love with.

At night I lay awake in bed -
One image streaming through my head -
One voice I long once more to hear
And sweet suspence I cannot bear.
I look out into the sky of night
And ponder upon those specks of light
-- Those wonderous orbs of flame that glow
- But yet too distant to ever know.
Lives of study, men commit -
Contemplating the light that they emit -
But to what end, and for what cause?
Do they not know God's Sacred Laws?
For He set them in the sky to show
Man beauty he will never know.
You can't realize the depths of space
Or of the lights it doth embrace.
They are but beacons in the dark --
The darkness of my longing heart.

So be not like the stars to me --
But like the Earth so close, oh be.
For it is kind and sweet like thee --
But moreover, 'tis there to see!
'Tis there so see and know and feel
-- Tangible form doth more appeal
And man cannot love with words alone --
He loveth best that which is known.
And though I love a sweet remark,
It quencheth not the fires of my heart.

And aye, my dear, I do not lie
When I say my Love will never die.
My soul it aches for form to feel --
Be tangible and not surreal!
Oh what I would do or disavow
If but to have thee here right now.
To gently stroke your gracious face,
To merely know your warm embrace,
To slip my fingers through your hair,
-- Perhaps too much a man could bear.
Be here by me, that I may kiss
And dissolve into Love's Dance of Bliss.
But until that day has made it's mark
Still the fires rage about my heart.

Obsessed with you is my poor heart
-- Poorer still that we're apart
I love you with all my mind and soul --
And truely, I swear -- you make me whole.
Yet still the passion doth burn deep
And follows me well unto sleep.
It surely gives me restless nights
Yet fills my dreams with sweet delights.
But dreams they are and that is all -
And stars, they do not heed my call -
And but one thing can quench my thirst
Or else I might as well be cursed.
And I knoweth upon wakefulness -
That one thing is but your sweet kiss.
And thus my poem rambles on
And I could write forever long
But words do fail miserably
When they describe my love for thee.
And all the World's most gracious verse -
Would I throw away with angry curse,
For but one simple lovely kiss.


Now what is everyones opinions on this poem. Feel free to slander it if you wish. What ever feedback is recieved would be greatly appriciated. I also have two others if you wish to see them. But first this one.

AABB rhyming schemes are very primitive and give poems a certain 'nursery rhyme' tone, slightly childish for a poem about love. The writer is obviously young, yet uses archaic verse and dialect ('quencheth' or 'doth') in what is perhaps a vain attempt to sound Shakespearean or sophisticated. A more modern and original approach would have been far more effective. The overall cheesy-ness mingled with the occasional cliche, seems to shout out 'teen angst'.
The poem also lacks a solid metrical structure, the central theme of the poem is hazy, and the poet seems to ramble on for four stanzas, randomly leaping from one metphor to another without a clear focus. An all round mediocre read.

Leonte, dispite that you said it was a mediocre read, how does poem 2 sound to you?

Is there a second poem?

And poem three. He has written three of them.

oh well considering the quality of the first, I do not feel compelled to read his other poems. Are they any better, in your opinion?

I think it's pretty good! I could never write anything like that.

If love messes you up that bad im steering well clear of it. Gotta keep my hard image =)

Detonate, i can imaging you writing a poem like that to your self. i know about that religion of yours devoted to your self, whats it called christainalexy.

but the poem is nice. how old was he? 6, 7, 8?

I do not really like the poems he wrote myself. One of the poems I may not be able to post until ask my friend, who it was written to, wants it on the net. I she does not then so it will not be going on.

He is actually 15 years old, not 6 or 7

ooh! I have an idea!...
Why not ask the person who WROTE the damn thing if he wants it posted on the internet for the world to see?!!
Of course, his feelings are irrelevant, aren't they Johannes?

Yes I'm the person who wrote that poem. And this guy's obtained it somehow and pasted it on this forum here for you all to "slander" simply because he doesn't happen to like me.
Yes, I agree that it's pretty crap -- not that any of your opinions matter since the person I wrote it for liked it and as you may have observed, she's all that matters.

Leonte: AABB rhyme schemes also happen to be rather popular throughout the history of poetry. Chaucer, Dryden and Pope spring to mind -- and I'm sure (well i KNOW) that they wrote about very 'serious' topics in this form.
Yes I use archaic verse and dialect though intermingled with modern word-forms with the overall intention of sounding Romantic (as in the poetical period) rather than Shakespearean and I certainly don't claim to be "sophisticated". Byron (whom I greatly admire as far as poetry goes) used this method of intermixing modern word-forms freely amongst their archaic equivilants as did the other British Romantics of the period. Also, adding a 'eth' or 'est' to the end of a word is a rather easy and effective way of acquiring that extra syllable to make a line conform to the meter (which DOES exist, by the way).
Yes, I ramble. Yes, I (over-)use cliches. Yes, the poem has no clear focus. I suppose it even sounds cheesy to some (though not to me).
Oh and what the hell is "Teen Angst"?? I don't believe I've ever encountered the expression.
By the way, it was only the third poem I've ever written and I had minimal poetical knowledge at the time. And I'm sure that if Johannes has his way, he'll soon post the first two. The first one has to be the cheesiest, cliche-ridden thing I've ever written so I don't expect ANYONE to like it.
And yes, I'm 15. Though I seriously doubt a 6/7/8 year-old could write a poem like that -- however badly written it is.
Oh and thank you Ricky for the sole positive comment.

Oh and just to be clear, this guy DOES NOT have my permission to post my poems on the Net though I'm sure he'll do it anyway because he has no respect for my feelings or privacy. I don't need your criticism so please don't give it to me.

Leonte: AABB rhyme schemes also happen to be rather popular throughout the history of poetry. Chaucer, Dryden and Pope spring to mind -- and I'm sure (well i KNOW) that they wrote about very 'serious' topics in this form.
Yes I am perfectly aware that the AABB rhyming scheme can be applied to serious matters. For example Blake used it effectively in 'The Chimney Sweep' which was a poem about child labour and orphans (serious themes) written from the point of view of a child. Thus this particular rhyming scheme is appropriate. In your poem however, it does not seem to fit correctly with your matter. If your intent was indeed to 'sound romantic' then may I suggest a sonnet. Sonnets were used much more frequently than rhyming couplets (AABB) in the romantic period of poetry.


Yes I use archaic verse and dialect though intermingled with modern word-forms with the overall intention of sounding Romantic (as in the poetical period) rather than Shakespearean and I certainly don't claim to be "sophisticated".
As a matter of fact, archaic verse originated during the Shakespeare's time and was actually outdated by the Romantic period. Romantic poets utilized it in their work in an attempt to break away from traditional poetic styles of the time and thus be that little bit bohemian.


Byron (whom I greatly admire as far as poetry goes) used this method of intermixing modern word-forms freely amongst their archaic equivilants as did the other British Romantics of the period..
As I stated above archaic verse was outdated by this period. Byron wrote during the 18th-19th century. That would be around 400 years from the present. I was merely providing constructive criticism (you are not obligated to follow) that your poem be a little more dated and original in terms of its structure. Yes Keats and Shelley used archaic language, but that was centuries ago. Modern poetry shuns on this language technique.


Also, adding a 'eth' or 'est' to the end of a word is a rather easy and effective way of acquiring that extra syllable to make a line conform to the meter (which DOES exist, by the way).
Yes this is true. But you can achieve the same effect by simply using more words per line. It is not impossible to balance metre with out 'eth' words. Why not just place 'eth' after every word? That way you will have even MORE syllables.


Yes, I ramble. Yes, I (over-)use cliches. Yes, the poem has no clear focus. I suppose it even sounds cheesy to some (though not to me).
And I am glad that you enjoy your poem so. Yet, if you do not really care what other people thought of it, then why would you respond to my criticism??


Oh and what the hell is "Teen Angst"?? I don't believe I've ever encountered the expression.
"Teen Angst" is a term used by text markers to describe the narrow range of themes which teenagers tend to write about over and over again. These are usually outlets for teenagers to vent hormones, or a 'fall-back' topic should a student not be arsed to be original. A crush on a member of the opposite sex is one such theme.


By the way, it was only the third poem I've ever written and I had minimal poetical knowledge at the time. And I'm sure that if Johannes has his way, he'll soon post the first two. The first one has to be the cheesiest, cliche-ridden thing I've ever written so I don't expect ANYONE to like it.
That is why I offered you feedback. Regardless of what this Johannes person did, this poem is posted on a forum and thus I can offer whatever comment I see fit. How was I too know that it was posted without permission? If you feel angry about anything posted then I suggest you take it up with Johanne.


And yes, I'm 15. Though I seriously doubt a 6/7/8 year-old could write a poem like that -- however badly written it is.
Oh and thank you Ricky for the sole positive comment.
The whole point of criticism is to go back and improve where you failed. Mindless positive comments such as 'This is awesome dude' serve no purpose. Perhaps if you MUST have a positive comment so that you feel warm and fuzzy, then i commend you for your correct use of punctuation and rests (--).


Oh and just to be clear, this guy DOES NOT have my permission to post my poems on the Net though I'm sure he'll do it anyway because he has no respect for my feelings or privacy. I don't need your criticism so please don't give it to me.
Once again this is not my problem. Its on a forum, therefore I can offer criticism if I wish to do so. I wasn't aware that it was posted without permission, or with spiteful intentions.

ooh! I have an idea!...
Why not ask the person who WROTE the damn thing if he wants it posted on the internet for the world to see?!!
Of course, his feelings are irrelevant, aren't they Johannes?

Yes I'm the person who wrote that poem. And this guy's obtained it somehow and pasted it on this forum here for you all to "slander" simply because he doesn't happen to like me.
Yes, I agree that it's pretty crap -- not that any of your opinions matter since the person I wrote it for liked it and as you may have observed, she's all that matters.

Just ignore him. He says shit like this all the time to sound smart. He acts above everyone. Sure, I do not like him, but that was NOT the reason why I put it on the internet. It was for the sole purpose of getting poeples opinions on it. Just like all great poets(not him) have encountered in their poetry writing career.


Leonte: AABB rhyme schemes also happen to be rather popular throughout the history of poetry. Chaucer, Dryden and Pope spring to mind -- and I'm sure (well i KNOW) that they wrote about very 'serious' topics in this form.
Yes I use archaic verse and dialect though intermingled with modern word-forms with the overall intention of sounding Romantic (as in the poetical period) rather than Shakespearean and I certainly don't claim to be "sophisticated". Byron (whom I greatly admire as far as poetry goes) used this method of intermixing modern word-forms freely amongst their archaic equivilants as did the other British Romantics of the period. Also, adding a 'eth' or 'est' to the end of a word is a rather easy and effective way of acquiring that extra syllable to make a line conform to the meter (which DOES exist, by the way).
Yes, I ramble. Yes, I (over-)use cliches. Yes, the poem has no clear focus. I suppose it even sounds cheesy to some (though not to me).
Oh and what the hell is "Teen Angst"?? I don't believe I've ever encountered the expression.

Calm, the hell down. So he gave his opinion on your poem. Why does it matter? And quit acting like you know so much about peoms and poetry in general. Just stfu!



By the way, it was only the third poem I've ever written and I had minimal poetical knowledge at the time. And I'm sure that if Johannes has his way, he'll soon post the first two. The first one has to be the cheesiest, cliche-ridden thing I've ever written so I don't expect ANYONE to like it.
And yes, I'm 15. Though I seriously doubt a 6/7/8 year-old could write a poem like that -- however badly written it is.
Oh and thank you Ricky for the sole positive comment.

So, only the third poem you have written? What ever happened to the book of poems that you write your depressive thoughts in the form of poems?

Oh and just to be clear, this guy DOES NOT have my permission to post my poems on the Net though I'm sure he'll do it anyway because he has no respect for my feelings or privacy. I don't need your criticism so please don't give it to me.

The only criticism here is healthy criticism. Everyone gets it and it can help people improve so harden up. Also, there's no need to cry. It is just a poem.

I agree. If Byron where this emotional about his negative criticisms, then he would be a trembling mass of depressive nerves.

A crush on a member of the opposite sex is one such theme.


Or the same sex in his case. He bi.

Yes I'm sure the fact that I'm bisexual is extremely relevent to the conversation...!

Loethe: Byron DID get emotional about the (unfair) criticism he received. I suggest you read some early Byron or at least read a biography about him. Maybe then you'll discover he wrote in the early 19th century which isn't really that long ago when you think about it.
You're right, my problem's not with you. You seem a smart guy and know what you're talking about and I do thank you for the constructive criticsm (however unwelcome it was).

Johannes: Do you feel threatened by my intelligence??
I believe you do a bit of poetry writing yourself. In fact, I've even had the 'privilege' of reading a few of these 'masterpieces'. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I posted a few up here for the world to see. I especially like the really private and personal ones but that doesn't matter really, does it? So long as I can get some peoples opinions on it, I guess.
"Book of depressive thoughts"?? I don't know what the fuck you're on about. Perhaps you mean my journal of philosophic reflections. Hardly depressive though and certainly not in poetical form. On the other hand, I would expect someone like you to confuse the disciplines of Poetry and Philosophy...

Well I've said all I need to say and I won't be posting here or even looking at this page again. So don't bother replying to or directing any comments at me. Bye all.

I stand corrected on the dates. I am not particularly a fan of Byron myself, and could not care less about any biography concerning him.
As a poet, he should be accustomed to bearing criticism. It is ignorant for one to expect everyone to like one's work. Whether it was unfair or not is a matter of opinion.

Johannes: Do you feel threatened by my intelligence??
I believe you do a bit of poetry writing yourself. In fact, I've even had the 'privilege' of reading a few of these 'masterpieces'. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I posted a few up here for the world to see. I especially like the really private and personal ones but that doesn't matter really, does it? So long as I can get some peoples opinions on it, I guess.
"Book of depressive thoughts"?? I don't know what the fuck you're on about. Perhaps you mean my journal of philosophic reflections. Hardly depressive though and certainly not in poetical form. On the other hand, I would expect someone like you to confuse the disciplines of Poetry and Philosophy...

hahaha. Threatened... not likely. Its more the fact that you think you know what you are talking about and you act like a Super Ninja of Intelligence, and it just generally pisses me off. Also, at the bit about the poems, sure go ahead and post them, I wrote them when I was 9 or 10 and have not fear of anyone seeing them. No, you said you had a book where you write all your poems in.


Well I've said all I need to say and I won't be posting here or even looking at this page again. So don't bother replying to or directing any comments at me. Bye all.

What's the bet he does come back and tries to make Leonte look like an idiot only to be made an idiot of himself.

It's kinda dumb to post somebody else's poetry up here.. especially if that person doesn't want any criticism, cause then that's just a waste of replies :/. Post some of your own poetry.. that way our replies wont be put to waste :-P.

This thread name is rather apt.

What's the bet he does come back and tries to make Leonte look like an idiot only to be made an idiot of himself.


what's the bet that nobody gives a shit about your schoolyard tiff?

first there was the cool crew than there was the fine bunch now there's the retard family

I thought they were good. :(

actually I just read the poem just now and I do think it's good