So I'm writing this story called "Ambulance" that I intend to try to publish. You can check it out <a href=http://www.bluezeta.com/~tk/ambulance1.pdf>here</a> if you're so inclined. I've got more that I'll post later when I get it properly edited. As always, critiques are appreciated.

EDIT: I would recommend right-clicking that link and saving it, rather than viewing it in your browser.

Not much wrong with it to be fair. I am not too sure I'm hooked by the story but that could well be down to my bad taste. It is only chapter one saying that...I'm too busy editing my own little "book" to give detailed feedback tonight but I promise I will! Very well written though...helped me see the standard I need to get mine up to! :)

This book doesn't really have chapters. I don't know where I would actually divide it if it did. It's all kind of the same event, in a way.

I'm sure a publisher isn't going to like that idea. The might think it was cool if it was a pro but when you are a newbie they advise you to play by the book. I have a really helpful book about getting material published. I left it back at home though (I'm back in my room @ uni now) but when I go back I shall PM you the name and author. Well worth looking into as a little guide. Offers no promises but helped me improve tenfold. Anyways hope you will post more after everyone else gets chance to have a look at this bit.

No strong opinion of it since it's just the beginning. Seemed rough in spots with the descriptions. A bit excessive in spots. It's a pdf and I can't cut and paste so I'll just try to remember... the part where he goes over the list of problems his ex had with him, seems like the opening for that with the "for instance" was a bit much. Also some lines were wince inducing. Crying world, something about softness.

Fine besides that sort of thing. I can talk about characters and stuff after I've read more.

I didn't read all of it, but I think I got the general idea.

My gripes with it were mostly in the beginning. I don't like incomplete sentences, so the last sentence in the first paragraph annoyed me slightly. The lines seemed really repetitive in the second paragraph, mostly due to the string of sentences starting with the same pronoun.

Another thing I noticed was a tendency to use the same word too frequently. Case in point:


It wasn't usually styled in a braid; usually she just let it fall straight.

The second "usually" could have easily been replaced with another word to cut back on repetition.

Overall, it seems pretty solid to me aside from some flow problems that could easily vanish with a bit of polishing. The only other things I can can think of are 1) that you might want to cut back on your use of real world brand/celebrity names and 2) that you could split some of your paragraphs.

I like it. You have like a sequel or second part to it? I'm not gonna point out the small details because I don't want to. It was funny (at times), serious, and correct. I'd like to hear a second part to the story if you have time to write a second piece.

I like it. You have like a sequel or second part to it? I'm not gonna point out the small details because I don't want to. It was funny (at times), serious, and correct. I'd like to hear a second part to the story if you have time to write a second piece.

Looks like you need to read my initial post more carefully. ;D



<a href=http://www.bluezeta.com/~tk/ambulance2.pdf>Here</a> is the next chunk. As always criticism is appreciated. There's a couple of things that it would specifically be very helpful to me to know, as well, but I recommend not looking at these until after you've read it:

1) Did you feel like you wanted more hints as to what John's scheme was in regards to Sarah, or was that good as-is with very little foreshadowing?

2) If you think anything stands out as peculiear, or just generally noticable about the way John observes people, I would love to know what it is.

That new link isn't working for me. =\

But I read the first chunk and liked it...can't really see much wrong with it, but I'm not much of a critique...guy. One bit that I thought was unecessary was where the kid says "hang on", just before the class quiz. It sort of slowed the story down. Besides that, I just want to see where the story goes. And for some reason I'm really interested in why it's titled 'Ambulance'.

Also, this reminded me to read another of your stories I had saved - 'Nobody is Hardcore Anymore', which I thought was very cool. Is there a chance of you writing more 'sessions' to this story?

Damn blast it. I fixed the link. Thanks for the heads up.

Yeah, NIHA is definitely going to continue, I'm just not up to it at the moment. It's very difficult to write. It'll probably be something I do when I'm "inbetween" other projects.

Great, I really enjoyed the writing style. You gotta get more up, man. Hopefully you'll find a publisher that'll take your story.

Read that next chunk - good stuff, as usual.

In regards to John dressing up and all for Sarah, I had no idea what he was doing at first and didn't even make the link that he would be going back to Sarah so soon. But I think it was a good thing, because that was one part where I actually started thinking 'what the heck is he doing here?' and thus was eager to keep reading. Even when I knew that he was heading back to her, I was interested to see exactly what his scheme was, which in the end was cool, especially the "You're going to inadvertently melt someone" bit. Seemed to work well to me.

As for Johns observations, it's pretty clear that when he sees a girl, there's an in depth description about everything he notices about her appearance, but for anyone else, barely anything is mentioned.


One question: is Fallow Street an obscure Weakerthans reference? Because any story can be improved with an obscure Weakerthans reference!

Not intentionally, but it could be, I suppose! Often when naming things such as streets I just use the first name-like word that comes into my head, and as we all know I'm pretty freakin' crazy about The Weakerthans, so maybe that's where I got it from.

Damn blast it. I fixed the link.

are you sure?

Yup! I quite obviously did, since Bigfoot read it!

The place I'm hosting it is temporarily down, though.

Yup! I quite obviously did, since Bigfoot read it!

The place I'm hosting it is temporarily down, though.
No wonder I couldn't open it.