I'm trying to write a story about a person very close to my heart. Her name is Blaise and she's a Gorgon (sort of). Well, she's really a mage, but the thing is in the story there are two kinds of Mages : Demons and Angels. The only real difference is the way the look eg: Demons grow horns, scaly wings, fangs etc and Angels grow feathery wings a third eye etc. Blaise is a demon and I wanted to describe her transformation in GREAT detail. Does this sound okay? NO STEALING!

Vicious pain suddenly gripped her shoulderblades. First the pain as like fire, pure heat seemed to flow up her back, then it was worse that the 15th* plane itself, ice cold death ran it's shrp fingers all through Blaise's spine.
She dropped to the floor, pain shooting through her backside, enveloping her arms even, so all she could do was clutch her shoulders, searing agony reaping it's way along.
She cried out, tears tripping from her eyes. Another bolt of pain shot up and Blaise screamed so hard her throat bled.
"Blaise wha-"
"N-nn-NATHANIEL, NATHAINEL h-help m-m-m-me aaaaahhhhhhhh" she cried.
People stopped and stared. Blaise writhed and scremed rolling arond on the smooth marble, clutching her back, feeling as though it was being ripped apart.
All fell silent, afraid to touch her, afraid incase she lashed out at them again.
Her shoulders seemed to grow, cruel points were forming at the lower part, getting bigger and bigger, streaching the skin.
The towns people watched, none of them could speak. What was going on?
Then the points burst from her skin, splattering Nathaniel and the ground in blood. Some of the towns people looked away, horrified by Blaise's now gushing back.
"B-Blaise?"
The agony was going, slowly, but Blaise could feel it. Slowly she rose and cringed as she flexed her newly formed wings which were a poison-like green and dripping in her red blood. She admired them from evey angle, the smooth scales gleamed and shone from the bright sunlight. Like bat's wings, she thought.
Blaise closed her eyes, yes, she thought, the pain was leaving. Weak with fatigue, she uttered three tired words.
"I have... accended**."
*the 15th plane is a sort of universe that REALLY cold.
**To accend: to grow into a higher form or gain a higher power.

Good or bad?

Love Blaise.
XXX O:]

GOOD,

yah that was fuckin awesome blaise keep going with that ...i really liked it....i wanna read more about these angel and demon mages and there adventures


make a crazy short story

Okay. Let's start off with something.
You put one of the options as "When's the novel." This piece is 301 words long. You claimed to have wanted to describe some sort of transformation in "great detail." Did this great detail become forgotten somewhere along the way? I am guessing you are not that old, so it's kind of mean to tear this apart, but i'm very much mean.


*the 15th plane is a sort of universe that REALLY cold.
Is that it? I mean, is that what you call "GREAT" detail? It is neither great in depth nor quality.


she dropped to the floor, pain shooting through her backside
Is this a description of transformation, or hemorroids? Think about your choices of words before somebody notices them.

Also, lord above, read your work. Check dictionary.com for spelling errors. Actually learn what words mean, or how they are spelt. Accend is not a word. Ascend is. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't do it twice.


NATHANIEL, NATHAINEL
That is inexcusable. You must have actually put so little effort into re-reading your piece that you ignored your own sloppy writing.

The "NO STEALING" disclaimer is the icing on the cake. Do you really think people would steal this hastily written piece?

When it is not riddled with spelling errors, it is plagued by poor word choice and repetitious language.


The agony was going, slowly, but Blaise could feel it. Slowly she rose

Also, you may want to learn how to break up sentences, or stop them running on too far. Read something. See how other writers do it properly.


Good or bad?

I need not answer.

To top it off, your content lacks anything new, too. All that happens there is "oh, OUCH MY ASS, hey, wings, cool." You bring in these weak hints of development of a world through "ACCENDING" and "MAGES BEING DEMONS AND ANGELS," but there's no social context. There's no meaning behind it. You're appealing to weak codes that you've learnt from Final Fantasy games, or simple anime, and that is why you're going to have people saying "WOW AWESOME" - they have learnt these things from the same places you have. Games such as Final Fantasy, and a great deal of anime, are a plague upon young writers such as yourself. No research goes into ideas, no real effort - everything is constructed from some crazy japanese man's sketches into yet another generic story about ANGELS AND DEMONS AND MAGES AND MAGIC AND ACCENDING AND ICE AND IT'S REALLY COLD.

Not to say you can't learn, but you've got to read. If you think this is anything above sub-par, you are wrong.

oh SNAP

HAHA MMM we all picked up on that stuff......no it wasnt put together well i knew that but u didnt have to break Blaises hopes and dreams HAHAHA


i laughed at u picking it apart tho

Funny, you noticed them in her post, but not yours.

thats cause i dont care about punctuating my stupid little posts. If i were to write a short story/paragraph thing like blaise's THEN i would punctuate and correct my errors......yah but mainly laziness causes my errors

Okay. Let's start off with something.
You put one of the options as "When's the novel." This piece is 301 words long. You claimed to have wanted to describe some sort of transformation in "great detail." Did this great detail become forgotten somewhere along the way? I am guessing you are not that old, so it's kind of mean to tear this apart, but i'm very much mean.


Is that it? I mean, is that what you call "GREAT" detail? It is neither great in depth nor quality.


Is this a description of transformation, or hemorroids? Think about your choices of words before somebody notices them.

Also, lord above, read your work. Check dictionary.com for spelling errors. Actually learn what words mean, or how they are spelt. Accend is not a word. Ascend is. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't do it twice.


That is inexcusable. You must have actually put so little effort into re-reading your piece that you ignored your own sloppy writing.

The "NO STEALING" disclaimer is the icing on the cake. Do you really think people would steal this hastily written piece?

When it is not riddled with spelling errors, it is plagued by poor word choice and repetitious language.



Also, you may want to learn how to break up sentences, or stop them running on too far. Read something. See how other writers do it properly.


I need not answer.

To top it off, your content lacks anything new, too. All that happens there is "oh, OUCH MY ASS, hey, wings, cool." You bring in these weak hints of development of a world through "ACCENDING" and "MAGES BEING DEMONS AND ANGELS," but there's no social context. There's no meaning behind it. You're appealing to weak codes that you've learnt from Final Fantasy games, or simple anime, and that is why you're going to have people saying "WOW AWESOME" - they have learnt these things from the same places you have. Games such as Final Fantasy, and a great deal of anime, are a plague upon young writers such as yourself. No research goes into ideas, no real effort - everything is constructed from some crazy japanese man's sketches into yet another generic story about ANGELS AND DEMONS AND MAGES AND MAGIC AND ACCENDING AND ICE AND IT'S REALLY COLD.

Not to say you can't learn, but you've got to read. If you think this is anything above sub-par, you are wrong.

I'm always up for constructive criticism. No prob, this was more of a brain storm, I know it was ill-spelt and BADLY punctated but that's what I have the wonders of SPELLCHECK for. YAY! I was only starting the thing so I came up first with a few brain storms and dedcided to ask the public, and I'm glad someone responded in a way such as yours, thakyou.
I wasn't really going for a final fantasy approach, so thanks a hole lot for correcting, and now I finally know how to spell ascend. It's just a quick explination though, not the whole thing, this wouldn't even add up to a page from what I write, as I said, just a brain storm.

Oh and you and Wonder_Nick quit fighting.

Thanks again, and to all you people who posted and said tit was cool, thanks again.

Love Blaise.
XXX O:]

Well first of all i did not liked it very much, it is well described but you have some errors, well i've got them too, but that is because english is not mi native language.

By the way it is matematically imposible that a plane is the same thing as a universe, even tough it can exist another dimension more that the third if you take in mind that you only need that the product of the vectors that form your tetra-dimensional sistem would equal 0. but a plane my friend is bi- dimensional and not tri-dimensional or from a higher grade. sorry but at least you could say i read your piece of story complete.

Au revoir.

Well first of all i did not liked it very much, it is well described but you have some errors, well i've got them too, but that is because english is not mi native language.

By the way it is matematically imposible that a plane is the same thing as a universe, even tough it can exist another dimension more that the third if you take in mind that you only need that the product of the vectors that form your tetra-dimensional sistem would equal 0. but a plane my friend is bi- dimensional and not tri-dimensional or from a higher grade. sorry but at least you could say i read your piece of story complete.

Au revoir.
She's talking about angels and demons. Do not bring mathematics into this, and criticise someone on a language that you yourself don't write at a high level of yourself. I mean, it's like someone criticising Star Wars for being unrealistic because you can't see the force.

She's talking about angels and demons. Do not bring mathematics into this, and criticise someone on a language that you yourself don't write at a high level of yourself. I mean, it's like someone criticising Star Wars for being unrealistic because you can't see the force.

Hehehehe, ok, sorry i should have noticed that the threads here are for fiction too. And by the way, star wars is more unrealistic because they travel at lightspeed wich is imposible.

How do you know that? I don't think anyone's ever come close enough to it to be sure if it can be done.

Quite literally because Lethe is the smartest human on the internet.

Oh. Of course. How could I forget that?

WOTEVA, I R WAAAAY SMRTR

EDIT: o wait, u were bieng srcstic, lol.

Check dictionary.com for spelling errors. Actually learn what words mean, or how they are spelt. Accend is not a word. Ascend is.

actually, "accend" means to light on fire, MISTAR DIKTIONARY MAN.

Shut it, rug muncher!

Quite literally because Lethe is the smartest human on the internet.

I tought this thread was made for making comentaries about a topic and not for making fun about other members.

well you tought wrong!

Blaise, It shows promise, don't give up heart just yet, everyone has to start somewhere :)

Blaise, It shows promise, don't give up heart just yet, everyone has to start somewhere :)
Awwww, shucks, you're sweet!

Love Blaise
XXXX O:]

well you tought wrong!

Yeah, what else could i think about a forum?.