okay this is my story, its not finished (far from it) but i thought i would show it! ^_^ though, i'm not sure id this is the right place to put it....


Beholder


Prologue

A long time ago, when our world was created, Lancius our god forged the ground on which we walk and the sky that we gaze upon. After our world was completed, he named it Sacria, he then put life on it. He named them humans.
Once he was finished he lay down and rested. He slept for a long time not looking after the humans, and they began to change. Stealing, hurting and even killing each other. �Our God has neglected us!� they cried. And their cries reached Lancius and woke him from his slumber. �You have forsaken me! These crimes are too high to just forget. I will spare those who believe and worship me for giving them life, and take away the lives of those who commit these crimes!� he named these crimes sin. The people prayed and worshiped Lancius, hoping for their lives to be spared. But Lancius was not a merciful God and punished the people for their sins.
In the third month on the seventh day, Lancius sent hordes of demons down to Sacria to kill all the sinners on his world. But Lancius had made a terrible mistake, he had forgotten that sin is an ingredient in making humans, meaning that every human is born with original sin. The beasts could not tell the difference between evil sin and original sin, so they killed everyone they came across, including innocent children and women. �What has become of me?� Lancius asked himself. �I have committed sin. Must I be punished for my sins?� Lancius came down to Sacria and told the humans, �I deserve to be punished too, for I am as guilty of these sins as you are.� The demons came surging towards them growling and foaming at the mouth, their red black eyes focused on them. �Save us Lord!� the humans shouted. But Lancius did not move, and within minutes they were dead. Their bodies littering this once peaceful land.
Out of the darkness stepped a young boy, no older than twelve. �What has become of my people, of my God?� he asked the Beasts, they were wolf like and had many teeth, they just loomed around eating scraps of bodies that remained. �Why do you not harm me?� he asked them, again nothing. He prayed to Lancius and asked these questions to him, but he did not answer. He then prayed to his wife Ferndi. She answered, 'I cannot fix this tormented world, but I can protect you.' A ray of light came down from the sky on to the small village in which he stood, it was warm and bright. �But my Lord, they do not hurt me I do not need protection.�
�When the beasts get hungry they will look for food, and will not care whether you have sinned or not.� People began randomly appearing before his eyes, they were of all shapes and sizes and all ages. �These people and a few others around the world will repopulate this planet in the safe sanctums I have created for them, you will know these sanctums by the ray of light which surrounds you now.� The sanctums were the size of the village, it would be the same for the other ones to, not allowing the village or town to grow to much more. �You are never to leave these places of safety as it will result in your death. Only pure ones like you, can leave without worry.�
�Pure? Why am I pure?� the boy asked.
�Because without pure people you will not be able to save this world from the evil that plagues it. You are the one with the light, only you and your decedents can save your people.� The boy nodded and accepted his family�s destiny, but at that time he did not know how quickly and horribly his world would transform it would become incredibly dangerous in a matter of days, and would stay that way for thousands of years.


Chapter 1
Present Day

Maria and Drake had been warned many times about the dangers that lurk beyond the light of their town. They had heard stories about the evilness in the woods outside when they were little, and are still hearing many today. They had once ventured out into the forest, against their parents wishes, to see if the stories were really true. They soon found out that it was true. The small children were ambushed by Changers; Changers were dark ones with the power of morphing. They often used small fluffy rabbits or a cute little puppy to entice children to come to them. Only a few have died by that allusion, another common morph was changing into a loved one or someone that had died.
Maria said she seen her grandfather who had recently passed away, and Drake said he had seen and heard his mother calling to him. They came to no harm though, Maria�s ancestry meant she had gained the light, and all dark ones were terrified by it. Some would scatter and others would try and kill the beholder. Luckily these ones were afraid of the light and ran. Maria now knows that there are many types of dark ones, of all different species but they generally come under three categories; Changers, Beasts and Semi-Human. Changers and Beasts are easy to identify, but semi-humans are harder to recognize. The only known way is to look at their eyes because they are supposed to have an unusual eye colour.
�Do I need to go on this pilgrimage? Drake do I?� Maria asked her friend. Drake was in charge of security of their town. Being her friend he felt it was his duty to protect her in this difficult time. �Yes I�m afraid so� don�t worry I�ll protect you.� He replied smiling. She smiled back but didn�t feel any better. They had some other people going for security and first-aid. Three big men came out of the building in front of them, they were very heavily armed. �Is that really necessary?� she asked Drake. �You want to be safe don�t you? You�ve heard the stories, it�s dangerous out there. We need to make sure you�re safe, you�re very precious to this town - to the world!� Drake hugged her then set about retrieving the supplies he had bought. The leader of the little group before her came over and said, �Good morning Maria! How are you? I�d like you to meet the gang. Mik, Ray, Lilia, Cal and Jordie. I�m Ellis.� Mik was big and muscular as was Ray, they might have been brothers but Maria was too afraid to ask. Lilia was a small woman with a pretty face, she was in charge of first-aid. Cal and Jordie were little men with long nimble fingers, Maria guessed that they were going to be stitching up the group�s wounds. They were that sure there was going to be blood shed? And that leaves Ellis; he was a bulky kind hearted man. He had more scars on his face then she could count. Drake came running up with the supplies, Mik took the heavy rucksack from him and handed him a gun. �Right then. Let�s go to Imark!� he said cheerfully. But Imark was a long way away, they�d have to cross the evil Nucroid forest but if they followed the light to it they�d be safe.
Drake and the others stepped through the protective beam of light first, the whole town was standing there waiting for them to depart to wish them well. Maria stepped through tentatively, she shuddered as she passed though it, it seemed to feel colder on the other side, darker too. They walked through the forest on the trails until it stopped. �That�s strange. The trail isn�t supposed to stop, has something wiped it out?� Drake rather jittery.
�Don�t matter. Look there�s the beam from Imark!� Ellis pointed out. But it still looked far away to Maria. She heard something behind her, she could hear it breathing. She turned anxiously but nothing was there, was it her head playing tricks on her? �Are you alright Miss Maria?� Lilia asked.
�Oh yes I�m fine, I just thought I heard something. Probably just being paranoid!� she giggled but she knew she heard something. A shadow appeared behind little Jordie, it was a Beast. It had long sharp nails, its fur was thick and matted and it had long pointed teeth. The whites of its eyes were a deep yellow colour, it opened it mouth and raised it sharp claws high, it began to claw Jordie, he gave out howling screams. Mik and Ray tried to blast the thing off of him, it yelped and ran. �He�s hurt bad. If we don�t stitch him up quick he�ll die.� Jordie was wailing and crying as Cal and Lilia stitched him up, Mik had to hold him down. Ellis put his hand on Maria�s shoulder, she was crying. �I hope they hurry up. If they don�t the fresh blood will attract all sorts, then we�ll all be done for.� He wasn�t making her feel any better.
They had to set up camp there, Jordie was too weak to move right now he�d be better tomorrow they said. Maria couldn�t take her eyes off him, he was taking great heaving breaths, they tried to feed him but he choked twice and anything that did go down he threw up a few minutes later. �He�s going to die isn�t he?� she asked Drake. �Either way we�re taking him with us.� The next morning they set off with Jordie on a stretcher, he had lived through the night but was close to death. Putting Jordie out of her head for a while she asked Ellis. �How far till we get there?�
�Not far now. Another day or two� no not far at all.� He chuckled at the expression on her face. �Don�t worry they�ll pass swiftly dear.� They did pass very quickly but Maria wasn�t used to being pushed so hard and was exhausted. Jordie was getting better every day, he could eat now. He was very thin and pale but in high spirits. They reached Imark at last. As Maria stepped through the beam, heat soared through her body, it felt comforting and welcoming. They Cal and Lilia took Jordie to the nearest health clinic. �Don�t worry about him�..we�ll pick him up on the way home!� Ellis patted her on the head, �get some rest, we�ll be staying here for a few days�� Maria nodded and went to the inn. Everyone turned and looked, Maria felt slightly threatened as she walked towards the desk. �I�d like a room please.� She asked politely. The attendant looked at her inquisitively. �Are you the one from Korto? The one taking the pilgrimage?� Maria smiled. �Oh! Well then�.you can stay free of charge!�
�No I shall not!� Maria shot back. �I am grateful for your offer, but I must pay as anyone else�� the attendant looked rather shocked.
�Alright my Lady, if that�s what you request�� Maria handed over the money. She was hungry but decided to retire to her room. She lay there for hours, not moving and breathing ever so slightly. She was worried about Jordie, he wouldn�t be better in a matter of days�.it would most definitely be weeks. She thought about the journey ahead and what would be the end result. She was very tired, but every time she closed her eyes nightmares plagued her.
Maria woke the next morning in pain. Her empty stomach was telling her to eat something. She got dressed and went down stairs, the gang was waiting for her. �Jordie won�t be coming with us�.he�s too ill and we can wait for him. We�ll pick him up on the way back.� Maria nodded, but she had already known this. She ate a full breakfast and then felt like going for a walk, she wondered around town until her curiosity got the better of her. On entering the clinic she got a few odd looks, they were not unkind but they disturbed her. She walked over to Jordie�s bed, he was sleeping. He was thin, pale and there were dark rings under his eyes. Maria took his hands, they were cold. He woke slightly but fell instantly back to sleep, he was a nice looking boy, Maria thought. Just a boy. Jordie squeezed her hand and opened his eyes. �You�re leaving without me?� his voice was hoarse and weak.
�Yes. We have no choice�..you�d better be well when we come back!� she said playfully gently stroking his brow, he smiled but was falling asleep. �Go to sleep. I�ll see you again before we leave, okay?� he nodded. Maria left the clinic in tears. Later on Drake came over to her, she was eating orange berries from a big bowl. �hello! Do you like this town? Heh�.you�ve never left Korto before have you?� he sat down beside her and stole a berry from the bowl. �No I haven�t��this is quite an experience�� she seemed to be far away.
�uh�..there�s been a slight change in plan�.� Drake said. He dribbled juice from the berry down his tunic. �What?� Maria asked.
�Well�� Drake began, �we have to leave tomorrow morning instead of the day after�is that okay?� he noticed he was dribbling and wiped the tunic.
�I don�t have a say in the matter�� she stood up and walked away.
The next morning, they all went to see how Jordie was. He was a little better, the dark rings were almost gone and he was sitting up. �How are you Jordie boy? Hmm? Okay?� Ellis asked.
�I�m alright, but my back and chest ache very badly�� he coughed. Maria took his hands. �Don�t strain yourself��.we�ll be leaving soon, we came to say good-bye� Jordie smiled �alright then�I don�t mind really, I didn�t want to come�.sorry Maria��
�Its alright.� she smiled, he�s better here she thought.
�Will you manage without me Cal?� Cal casually walked up to the bed and sat on it.
�Sure thing! I�ve got Lilia to help me! But��.its a shame you couldn�t come with us.� Jordie gave a smile, but was falling asleep.
�Rest now�.c�mon gang, lets move out!� Ellis instructed. Maria kissed his forehead and let him go. They walked to the beam. �Wait! What about supplies?� Maria asked.
�What about them?� said Drake �we got them on the first day�oh�I think you were sleeping.�
�Oh!� Maria was surprised, she thought it had been late when she went to the inn.
�C�mon then! Don�t dally!� Ellis was getting cross. They proceeded into the south of Nucroid forest, it was darker there. It was the middle of summer and it was freezing there. �Why is it so cold?� asked Maria who was shaking from the cold.
�I don�t know�..its like light doesn�t penetrate into the woods.� They gazed up at the sky, it was dark and lifeless and it looked like it might rain. For hours they walked through the forest, and it was peaceful as there was no sound, but it was deathly cold. Suddenly Maria stopped. �What is it?� asked Drake.
�What�s that?� Maria said nervously, she was pointing to something on the path up ahead. It wasn�t moving, but it didn�t look like a fallen tree, all the trees in the forest were tall and wide, this was too small. �Let�s go see shall we?� Drake suggested. And with that, they began to walk towards the object.

What do you think?

verry good
allthough dont forget that a little detail never heart any one.like when they were going to that other town there was no description about the landscape. the charactors could have also used some more detain. other then that it was prety good.
just whenever your writing remember "a good writer writes a lot about a little".

Too much time on your hands me thinks.I aint insulting you,dont take this the wrong way.But why dont you try and get somthing published in a local magazine or somthing...........its a strart right?

Neither of the other posters had anything important to say, skip to this post.

Good work, but you need to realise the balance between over and under describing - you at times use too many words, at times too little. Still, a good effort, I liked it.