Hey. This is a song that I wrote. Hope you like it.

Drowning

FIRST VERSE
Broken down and broken hearted
The day we met was the day it started
Time to fade, Time to burn
Time to die, Time to learn
All that's fake, All that's real
What I know, What I feel

CHORUS
Drowning in my own despair
I called for you but you weren't there
F**ked it up, it isn't fair
I hope deep down that you still care.

SECOND VERSE
Life just isn't what it seems
Shattered hopes and shattered dreams
Time to show, Time to leave
Time to act, Time to grieve
What's the point? What's the aim?
Such a waste, Such a shame

CHORUS
REPEAT FIRST VERSE
CHORUS (TWICE)

I'm drowning, yeah, yeah, yeah (FOUR TIMES)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
__________________

Noice! Hey, do you actually have music with it or were you just writing? I would deffinately listen to the song though...:D Good job!

I was just writing, but I have decided to try and make up a guitar part for it.

Very nice indeed. I liked it. It would be really cool to hear it if you came up with music for it!

C-c-c-cliche.
Not every song has to rhyme.

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman
C-c-c-cliche.
Not every song has to rhyme.

Mine do.

And it suffers from that, also, it suffers from being wholley unoriginal clich�d tripe.

I mean...I'm drowning, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?

Come on, you may as well say "LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR OH I MISS YOU MORE AND MORE."

ya know that might work...

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman
And it suffers from that, also, it suffers from being wholley unoriginal clich�d tripe.

I mean...I'm drowning, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?

Come on, you may as well say "LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR OH I MISS YOU MORE AND MORE."

I <3 you.

what was that? I know that wasnt addressed to me, but what did it mean? (Hey, I saw P. Mononoke!)

It means Pt loves me for telling the truth.

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman
It means Pt loves me for telling the truth.

Yeah, and more than that, "LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR OH I MISS YOU MORE AND MORE," which made me rofl. :p

I don't have to accept all your opinions you know....and you guys are starting to piss me off. You're not even telling me how I could improve it, just bitching. I hate that.

Want to know how to improve it?
Write a poem that doesn't involve caesura, or rhyming. That isn't trying to be clever. But naturally, you're drawn to try and be stereoptyically poetic becase that's what you believe you should do.

Or just stop writing, because your poetry isn't going anywhere.

Originally posted by FallenSilence
I don't have to accept all your opinions you know....and you guys are starting to piss me off. You're not even telling me how I could improve it, just bitching. I hate that.

don't worry bout what the fags say it was really good i'd buy a cd if it came out!!

Originally posted by ff7 forever


don't worry bout what the fags say it was really good i'd buy a cd if it came out!!

Clearly MMM and I are "fags" for being honest and agreeing with someone saying the truth, respectively.

Could we be any more a cigarette?!

; ;

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman
Want to know how to improve it?
Write a poem that doesn't involve caesura, or rhyming. That isn't trying to be clever. But naturally, you're drawn to try and be stereoptyically poetic becase that's what you believe you should do.

Or just stop writing, because your poetry isn't going anywhere.

Who the Hell are you to judge? If you can do better, then you can criticise me. Until then, shut the fuck up!

Originally posted by PlasmaTorture


Clearly MMM and I are "fags" for being honest and agreeing with someone saying the truth, respectively.

Could we be any more a cigarette?!

; ;

hahahaha.

I love you.

FallenSilence, I'm not trying to offend, but when you post your poetry up somewhere like this, you should be prepared for all sorts of feedback, be it good or bad.

Originally posted by FallenSilence


Who the Hell are you to judge? If you can do better, then you can criticise me. Until then, shut the fuck up!

He can do better. (http://67.18.151.242:82/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15530)

(that was a link btw)
Yes, I realize it's not poetry, but I have full confidence in his writing abilities.

And I love you too Ndi :x

Originally posted by ff7 forever


don't worry bout what the fags say it was really good i'd buy a cd if it came out!!
Then you would, quite simply, waste your money.

Read my prose.
I do not write poetry, because I know, for a fact, that I cannot. A smart man knows his limits, and takes criticism where it is needed. Albeit I was brash and rude, I did actually drop some real stuff upon you. Not that you have any idea what it means. Though I'm sure you'll go and look it up before posting your reply, to prove how much of a "fag" I am.

I've been studying poetry for seven years of my life. Albeit, I spent the greatest amount of time upon it in the last two years, I think I have licence to say I can tell whether something is poetically apt.

In closing, if that song was any more forced, you may just lay a turd.

BTW - PT's link was, I assume, to http://forums.ffshrine.org/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15530.

i don't care go ahead make your little comments i just don't give a shit about what you might say or already have said

Okay, me impersonating the evil s-mod that I am, I hereby say that any further use of the words "fuck", "fag", "the hell" and any similar cursing and insulting, will cause this thread to be closed. :) Your choice.

Originally posted by Tokiko
Okay, me impersonating the evil s-mod that I am, I hereby say that any further use of the words "fuck", "fag", "the hell" and any similar cursing and insulting, will cause this thread to be closed. :) Your choice.


sorry me get mad easily

Go ahead and close it. If all the guy's gonna do is insult me, then there's no point in leaving it open.

Originally posted by FallenSilence
Go ahead and close it. If all the guy's gonna do is insult me, then there's no point in leaving it open.


me agree

me too...the dude's an idiot for insulting ur work...

Originally posted by drakozombie
the dude's an idiot

So says the fellow who spelled your "ur".

You can't post your stuff on the internet like this and expect to get nothing but compliments. If you're putting yourself out there, you have to be willing to take in the good and the bad.

If you're not willing to hear the bad, then you're probably better off not posting your stuff online.

yes, thats actually true, it's just that the guy was like...oy

My posts weren't actually insults. They were honest declarations of my opinion.

I said "cliche" and that not every song has to rhyme.

I said it was clich�d tripe when you were so adverse to my honest opinion.

I didn't really go in all guns blazing. If you want me to sit there and take your song apart word by word, and make it insulting while I'm at it, I really will, just for your benefit.

Originally posted by Ndi


So says the fellow who spelled your "ur".

You can't post your stuff on the internet like this and expect to get nothing but compliments. If you're putting yourself out there, you have to be willing to take in the good and the bad.

If you're not willing to hear the bad, then you're probably better off not posting your stuff online.

yes that is true but you could just say that you didn't like it more politely instead of insulting the person

True...coulda been a little nicer

oh well some ppl can't say nice things or mean things in a nice form

Originally posted by ff7 forever


yes that is true but you could just say that you didn't like it more politely instead of insulting the person

I fail to see how he insulted the original poster. Can you please show me what you found so offensive?

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman
I didn't really go in all guns blazing. If you want me to sit there and take your song apart word by word, and make it insulting while I'm at it, I really will, just for your benefit.

I can't speak for FallenSilence.

But I for one would really like to see that.

Originally posted by Ndi


I can't speak for FallenSilence.

But I for one would really like to see that.


see what?

Originally posted by ff7 forever



see what?

I'd like to see you become a better poster.


ps
I would also like to see that, MMM.

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman

Then you would, quite simply, waste your money.

In closing, if that song was any more forced, you may just lay a turd.

Or just stop writing, because your poetry isn't going anywhere.




That's what I find offensive. The guy pissed me off, and he is still pissing me off. I can accept bad comments, but not insulting ones.

Ndi, if you would like to see someone take the piss out of my work, then you are obviously one very sad person with nothing better to do.

Originally posted by FallenSilence

I can accept bad comments
No you can't. I think this entire topic is proof of that.

The entire topic shows that you are a picky bastard. I can accept bad comments, NOT inuslts, which is basically all you are doing.

Picky bastard = critic = what I am = what you didn't want. You just wanted people to say "shit man th@z deep!!!!!!!" well, guess what, you're in the shallow end creatively. That's an insult.

if the person didn't want a critic then why don't you leave before you piss off the person any further. what i think that should happen is this ppl continue to give bad or good insults and both of you forget this ever happened and live your lives

I am the gall fly of this forum, what can I say.

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman
guess what, you're in the shallow end creatively. That's an insult.

Guess what, you're a tosser. That's an insult.

Originally posted by FallenSilence


Guess what, you're a tosser. That's an insult.

The only tosser at the shrine is Alpott. :x

ppl i suggest like before that we stop insulting and move on with our lifes no use to keep on arguing.

I can do nothing but agree. you ppl are rediculous....

whoa not ridulculous just a little out of hand

why? feedback is ok but in my eyes not insults....

oh well then continue but you will be sucked into this arguement.

Um...I stop here then.

ok

Maybe you guys are right. OK, I'll stop now. Got a bit carried away......

That's ok, I get carried away all the time...

don't be sorry ppl aren't perfect

in my mind when u critique u r giving your input to help improve that person as a writer. there is a way to put your input with out being completely insulting. i dont think that it helps the person improve if u constantly say that they sux. u have to realize that not all peple have been writing as long as others. i just started getting into writing and some people in hear have been writing for a long time, so please relize that were not all on the same level and when we post here it is to get help and improve our self as writers. but also people who post here should also not get upset when someone doesn't like your writing. i think that if we can do this things wont get this ugly as this thread did.

Originally posted by heavens_final_samurai
in my mind when u critique u r giving your input to help improve that person as a writer. there is a way to put your input with out being completely insulting. i dont think that it helps the person improve if u constantly say that they sux. u have to realize that not all peple have been writing as long as others. i just started getting into writing and some people in hear have been writing for a long time, so please relize that were not all on the same level and when we post here it is to get help and improve our self as writers. but also people who post here should also not get upset when someone doesn't like your writing. i think that if we can do this things wont get this ugly as this thread did.
I think that people with no handle over the english language (that's you, soldier!) should just forget about this forum.

Also, people who can't use proper grammar and such should stop writing until they can.

Originally posted by mrmonkeyman

I think that people with no handle over the english language (that's you, soldier!) should just forget about this forum.

Also, people who can't use proper grammar and such should stop writing until they can.

ummmm. how do u know how well i know english.u dont even know me. i dont know what is up your @ss, but u need to stop. all people start somewere, send me the first thing that u ever wrote, was that perfect? like i said i just started getting into writing and i dont clame to be the best at writing, but i post things in here to get help and improve myself, but people like u dont help by saying things like that. u can say that u dont like something with out being mean about it. i dont know what demented pleasure u get out of it but u should stop or do it some were else because it isn't right.

Misspelling every other word (even really simple ones!) is not a good way to make your point. If anything, your response reinforces MMM's position.

Originally posted by heavens_final_samurai


ummmm. how do u know how well i know english.
You just answered your own question, Einstein.


send me the first thing that u ever wrote, was that perfect?
It was an awful script.

However, it was more grammatically correct than the entirety of what you just wrote.

If people are posting here for everyone to blindly scream "WOW THAT IS SO BRILLIANT" at their work, they are going to gain nothing but an erection. If somebody is using the same old clich�s, or is generally uninspired, I will say. Sorry, that's who I am.

Notice that I don't just hit people in a blanket style. I don't like christianity, but I can respect that this guy (http://forums.ffshrine.org/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15830) was trying to do something different. Not that he kept it - dunno why it was deleted :/ I liked that guy's semi-metallicaish stuff.

If you want blind adulation, show your family and friends.

i never said that i wanted people to just say that is good i want real answers, but u dont have to be mean about it. im sorry that u dont like how some people aren't original but u can say that to them with out making them feel like an utter failure. i for one post in here because i like to write i know that im not the best at it and u dont have to tell me that every time i post something. i think that we r here to help one another not to hurt. but whatever. do what u wanna do.


p.s. when i type things in this forum im being lazy and u shouldnt base how well i know english by the way that i type in this forum.

p.s. when i type things in this forum im being lazy and u shouldnt base how well i know english by the way that i type in this forum
What, by day, you are normal joe typo, by night, you are the super grammar hammer, righting all grammatical wrongs?

If it takes effort to type normally, then your writing will suffer because you will be focusing on not sounding like a retard.

ok.. im done with this u r just finding ways to insult me now. i tried to find a way to make every one happy but i dont think u can handle every one being happy i think your not happy unless your fighting with some one so w/e this is crap and people shouldnt have to go deal with it. just because u cant handle every one else being happy doesnt mean that the rest of us should suffer. so go do that some were else it is starting to get very anoying

Now hold still while I throw the first dart at the big target you just painted on your forehead.

If you get bent out of shape, you're just gonna egg people on. So stay cool, be rational, and use more clever insults than the other guy. And please be aware that I'm being very charitable saying this. I wouldn't be so nice on most days.

Originally posted by heavens_final_samurai
Okay, I'm done with this! Now you are just finding ways to insult me! I tried to find a way to make everybody happy, but I don't think you can handle everybody being happy. I think you're not happy unless you're fighting with someone, so whatever.
This is crap, and people shouldn't have to go deal with it. Just because you can't handle everyone else being happy doesn't mean that the rest of us should suffer, so go do that somewhere else! It is starting to get very annoying!

Nope, still sounds retarded.

Originally posted by heavens_final_samurai
ok.. im done with this u r just finding ways to insult me now. i tried to find a way to make every one happy but i dont think u can handle every one being happy i think your not happy unless your fighting with some one so w/e this is crap and people shouldnt have to go deal with it. just because u cant handle every one else being happy doesnt mean that the rest of us should suffer. so go do that some were else it is starting to get very anoying
By that, of course, you mean that you lack the cognitive capacity to type properly.

debating 101

when the other side has no more arguments for their point, or feel that they have lost, they often times resort to insults to take the focus off the argument and to destract the other side from the subject of the argument.


i may not have the best spelling , but i hope that when u r looking at my story that u r looking at the meaning and not to see how well i can spell. I dont want to give the impression that i think that im the best, because i know that im not and i know that i need work on a lot of things in writing but i cant with out help and it doesnt help me when people say things like "that is the worst thing that i have ever read in my life" or "u cant spell very good". that doesn't help me. and nether does "that is good" i want to know how to make it better. what can i do to improve it. but anyways do what u want to do. im done with this arguement.

Originally posted by heavens_final_samurai
debating 101

when the other side has no more arguments for their point, or feel that they have lost, they often times resort to insults to take the focus off the argument and to destract the other side from the subject of the argument.


i may not have the best at spelling , but i hope that when u r looking at my story that u r looking at the meaning and not to see how well i can spell. I dont want to give the impression that i think that im the best, because i know that im not and i know that i need work on a lot of things in writing but i cant with out help and it doesnt help me when people say things like "that is the worst thing that i have ever read in my life" or "u cant spell very good". that doesn't help me. and nether does "that is good" i want to know how to make it better. what can i do to improve it. but anyways do what u want to do. im done with this arguement.

I agree with you,but I'd ignore mrmonkeyman, all the guy doesis insilt people.I don't know if he gets a weird kickout of it or something, but try to ignore it. Oh, what the hell, insult him right back! After reading what's happened after I've been away, I've realized that I'm not done yet......

so uhm...

I thought the song was kind of catchy! :D