I looked in your eyes
I saw kindness and joy
When I first hugged you
I felt joy
Your hair is like gold
Your eyes kind
Your touch firm and yet soft
When you kiss me the earth moves
I am left floating on air
Heavenly music plays and I am lost in the music
I am left only knowing, that I want more
But then there's your pain
The aching rage that she put there
The darkness that clouds, justs beneath the surface of your heart
The storm that rages
Your heart torn, almost as if it were made of paper
The pieces don['t quite fit together
Tape can not fix this torn paper heart
Let me love you
Let me try to fill the storms
With pure sunlight
Let me piece together the paper heart, that she tore apart
Allow my kisses to end the tears and soothe the aching rage
Take me in your arms and tame my wild heart
And in return I would ease your pain
This is all I asked of you
I wanted to love you, but you broke my heart
I still love you
Just now I know that the pain,that she caused I cannot undo,
Only you can undo the pain
Just know one thing
You may hurt me, but I will forever love you
Whether it be as a friend or something more
I will always love you

Pretty good. Maybe a little too long and repetitious. Seems like it would flow better if you took out a few lines.

thank you...i have felt the same way, but i thought i would post it as is and see what reactions i got. which lines do you think need scraping/

Every single line in there needs to be scrapped...

Argh, I thought I had replied!

Apparently my computer is very stupid ><

Nitpick: Joy is too bland a word. Better than happy/happiness, but too generic if you're going to use it twice in a row.

Some lines that should be removed (IMO):

Your eyes kind (<- Already seeing kindess in his eyes above)

Heavenly music plays and I am lost in the music (at least fix the repitition of "music")

The darkness that clouds, justs beneath the surface of your heart
(good imagery, but its sort of stuck in there awkwardly)

The pieces don't quite fit together (sort of.... weird imagery, and makes it choppier)

Let me try to fill the storms
With pure sunlight (Or, make it One line)

Let me piece together the paper heart, that she tore apart (yeah, we know its paper and she tore it apart. Maybe something like "Let me mend your wound" or something, but not that >.>)

Take me in your arms and tame my wild heart
And in return I would ease your pain
This is all I asked of you
I wanted to love you, but you broke my heart

(Not neccesarily take those out, but notice the tense change. Its awkward and clumsy. Needs to be fixed, unless it was intentional. Then you want to start a new stanza, isntead of lumping it all together)

Just now I know that the pain that she caused I cannot undo,
Only you can undo the pain (awkward!)

Um, if you want, I could repost the poem with all my suggestions. Keep in mind they're all in my opinion, and I'm a pretty harsh critic :x

yes please do. this has become a group poem it seems. lol

I looked in your eyes
I saw kindness and joy
When I first hugged you
I felt joy
Your hair is like gold
Your touch firm and yet soft
When you kiss me the earth moves
I am left floating on air-
Only knowing, that I want more
But then there's your pain
The aching rage that she put there
The storm that rages
Your heart torn, as if it were made of paper
Tape can not fix this shredded flimsy heart
Let me love you
Let me mend your wound
Allow my kisses to end the tears and soothe the aching rage
Take me in your arms and tame my wild heart
And in return I will ease your pain

------------------------------------ This is all I ask of you

---I wanted to love you, but you broke my heart
------------------------I still love you
---I know the pain you know
----------the sorrow
------------the emptiness
Just know one thing
You may have hurt me,
but I will forever love you
I'll be your friend... or your guiding light...
---------but no matter what
-----------------I will always love you


Still needs work :x, but there's very few perfect pieces of writing.

And the -----'s are in place of spacing, since I can't seem to get just spaces to work =\

Originally posted by Tiduslives
Every single line in there needs to be scrapped...


woah, that's pretty harsh lol.

i thought it was good. i kind of like the repetition. and poems are about you, you can never regret writing something, because it's your feelings. keep it up :D