mrmonkeyman
03-26-2004, 10:13 PM
�Fuckin� A.� He kicked back against the seat, his sunglasses rolling lazily down his nose. Joe cleaned a glass, and sighed at the kid sitting across one of his 50�s style diner-couches. A half eaten burger was balanced precariously on his stomach, and he scowled at it, as if it was the one reason that he was still here, still alone, in the backstreets of some tacky New York diner. �You ever gonna eat that, Seth? You�ve been sittin� there like a meatball for an hour. Face it, kiddo, she�s stood you up. Again. Where the hell do you find these girls? Back in my day, we used to have womens that actually respected you � y�know, none of this techno-no-dojo crap, DDR, and standin�-up-decent catches like you and I. We�d be happy as hell if it weren�t for�� �For life being like it is?� Joe nodded solemnly, and sat back down at the counter. It had been a slow day. �Turn on the TV, willya.� Joe shook his head. �Nuh-uh. Already too damn depressed, don�t need more bad news.� Seth sighed. It was then he noticed the door propped open, and a girl poking her head around the door, painfully out of breath. �I�m sorry! I�m so sorry I�m late!�

Joe and Seth exchanged bemused glances, before the older man shuffled towards the fryer and began cooking once more.

�I�m really, really, really sorry!� She panted, sitting down and sipping on the coke that Joe slipped next to her. Seth grinned at her, and shook his head. �Don�t worry, Jen. Really, it�s fine. Really.� He stopped listening to her for a second, and just admired her. He�d always felt tender towards her. She�d strolled into his life, black hair trailing behind her as she careered off of her bike into a tree. He�d taken her inside his place, and patched her up as best he could�she had stopped now, and was grinning back at him. �You�re thinking about when we met, aren�t you?� Joe, far behind her at the counter, raised his eyebrows, in a sarcastic surprise at her recall. She put a hand over his, and smiled that same smile that made him weak at the knees, and he grinned back at her.

He would never feel as secure as that moment. Joe grinned paternally. �Young love,� he thought to himself. He turned away, and began cleaning a glass.

Atop a building five miles away, they stood. One was dressed impeccably in a grey suit. He straightened his tie, and cracked his knuckles. �You can�t run anymore, Jaeger.� The other man coughed, and fell to one knee. He spat blood, and looked up, licking his lips. �You�re right. I can�t.� He stood up fully, and around him a few particles of the building began to rise. The other man stepped back lightly, and fell into a stance. ��stances�petty ideologies and human qualities�you�re forgetting what you are, Alabaster.� Alabaster�s eyes widened as Jaeger raised his arm. It shook violently, gaining a sickly black flame. �You forget you�re just as evil as the rest�just as inbred�just as hateful�while I may see things in a different light to you, and my hate is directed towards different things, at least I can register that it is there, and that I am inherently a bad thing. You are the deceiver and the deceived. You shall die.� As he brought his arm downwards, the flame shot out. Alabaster flipped backwards, awed as the side of the building slipped and fell, smashing on the ground below, revealing several apartments within. He kicked off the side of the opposite building, and flew towards Jaeger, kicking at him blindly. Jaeger blocked, and threw a punch directly into his stomach, surging forward and landing another kick into Alabaster�s head.

Jaeger stopped, and stood facing him. ��I wont run anymore. I can�t. You�re right.� Alabaster looked on in horror as Jaeger began to shake violently, his eyes blackened, his entire body wrapped with an unholy darkness. �So�you�re going to�� Jaeger grinned. Even with no noticeable pupils, Alabaster could feel Jaeger�s eyes piercing him. The darkness surged forward, and Alabaster took his cue. He roared, his fist glowing blood red. Jaeger jumped, the darkness following, and for one moment, they stood, face to face. Words were said, silent, hateful words. As the final syllables petered out, Alabaster gasped, and Jaeger tried to laugh. Both of them lost their faces, and fell to earth, the explosion they created sealing their passage.


Absolute work in progress, riddled with errors and inconsistencies. This is like, something I typed up really quickly a while back. Thus it's not very big. But it'll be big, I guess.

hb smokey
03-31-2004, 05:10 PM
Yeah I easily noticed all the errors and inconsistencies. An idea for you:

When you switch between people talking, make a new line so that it is seperated from the rest of the story. It makes it a heck of a lot easier to understand. When I was reading through it I had to stop several times and say to myself "whoa wait a minute what just happened here?" Then I had to back up and read it over again. When you write a story or something like this, you never want the reader to have to stop and collect his thoughts because he/she doesnt know what is going on. Other than that, I believe you have real potential to make this really good. Thanks for writing it.