Raidenex
05-29-2003, 05:49 PM
Sydney
Lee Parkins
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sydney, Australia
The year 2006
�I will not go quietly � I will not behave myself. It�s not for the sake of fighting; it�s not for you or anyone else.�
Duffy�s Song. The song for a generation � the latest generation of Australians, the true battlers. Except in these days we�re not convicts from Britain, we�re not sheep farmers, we�re not diggers � we�re mates sitting in a bar, drinking our beer and sharing the good times, and forgetting about the bad.
�I was my own man � yeah, I was the shit.�
Tim Freedman�s voice played out over the speakers in the Harbour Quay bar. It was a brand spanking new bar, and it had signed up some top acts � having The Whitlams play on your opening night was definitely a sign that the place was destined to succeed � or the owner had some very rich friends. Most likely the latter.
�Hey!�
The slap on the back that followed nearly sent my beer flying over the counter. I turned around, and saw Richie�s grinning face. Should�ve known. A grin broke across my own face � I hadn�t seen him in months. Rich had done military college at Duntroon � he wanted to fly the Black Hawks. I�d tried to talk it out of him, once, a lifetime ago. I was still young, then. Idealistic.
Strange how time catches up with you.
�So, how�s the army going?�
A shadow passed over Richie�s face, but it passed as soon as it came. �You know, same old, same old � they passed me over for Flight Training again, but it�ll come, if I stick with it. At the moment they�ve got me posted at Oakey, doing ground stuff � you know, looking after the birds when they come in.�
I didn�t ask him about Tara. She�d called me the month before, in tears. All through the 14 months of training, she had stood by Richie, and they had made the relationship work � she got accepted into NIDA and lived here in Sydney. Richie was ecstatic � he made the drive every weekend from Canberra to Sydney on Saturday, and back on Sunday night - until he finished his training, and they still hadn�t offered him a flight position. After that, they shipped him off to Adelaide � Tara couldn�t leave Sydney, because of her work with NIDA, and Richie couldn�t get off base. After eight months of it, Tara couldn�t live with it anymore � couldn�t live with seeing Rich not happy in what he was doing, but doing it anyway in false hope.
She left him. She hated herself for doing it, but she had to put her life first.
The world�s that way. Even if you want to live for others, you have to live for yourself first, just to survive.
It was good to see Richie again, anyway. The Whitlams were finishing up, and sitting around in a bar by myself wasn�t my scene � I invited Rich to sit down and have a beer, and he accepted. We sat drinking our beers for a while, before he looked at me. �So�what are you doing in Sydney? I heard from Phil that you moved down here a few months ago. What happened to that job at the Courier Mail?�
I shrugged my shoulders. �I quit. How are Phillip and Allie, by the way?�
�Blissfully happy.�
Lifting my beer in toast, I saluted my old friends. �To a long and happy life for those lucky enough to still find love in this world.�
�Amen,� Richie agreed, and finished off his beer. �You avoided my question. Come on Tom, tell me � why Sydney?�
I resigned myself. Rich would get it out of me eventually � he always had the annoying habit of doing that. I decided to tell him half the truth � maybe he�d just accept that. The full truth still hurt more than I cared to admit. �I needed to get out of Brisbane. Too many painful memories. Too many lost dreams.�
2003 was a hellish year. I had managed to graduate from high school with a distinction, and a GPA that would get me into any course that I wanted, but I wasted it � flunked out of first semester science at QUT, and got myself into a depression that lost me a lot of things. I lost all I cared about. After that, I didn�t have anything to live for � I still had my faith then, though, which stopped me from ending it then and there. Figured I wouldn�t swap one hell for another. Heh, everywhere can be hell� but not just anywhere can be heaven.
I realized I was holding an empty beer bottle, and signalled the bartender for another, but John stood up. �How about we go for a walk?�
It was Sydney, in the middle of winter, but I agreed anyway. Drowning my sorrows was an expensive hobby, and I didn�t feel like telling Richie that I was two months behind on my rent. Freelance journalism doesn�t bring in the cash regularly, and I�d waste it when I got it anyway. No magazine would hire me without a degree � the fools couldn�t understand that most of these yuppies with a Bachelor of Creative Writing would never be able to see the truth as I would. They were mass produced writers for a mass produced media, in a mass produced world � humanity lost out a long time ago.
�So� how�s Alexandra?�
I closed my eyes. I should�ve known Richie would bring that up. I quickly suppressed the painful longing that started up in my heart � I knew that if I gave into that, I�d never be happy again. Hell, I wasn�t happy now, but I was alive. I remember my last conversation over the phone with her, just before I made the decision to leave for Sydney.
�Tom� you don�t have to go. You know I won�t stop you if you want to, but you don�t have to leave��
��I can�t live this life anymore. I can�t live knowing that everything up to this point has been for nothing. And every minute I stay around here, I�m just hurting everyone else��
�Bullshit, Tom!�
��I couldn�t even stay with you. I wasn�t strong enough to stay with you. I left you, when you needed me the most, because I was too fucking selfish to see past my own worries��
�Tom�please don�t go. I know I don�t see you much anymore�but�I still love you. And maybe I�m just as fucked in the head as you are, but I still love you. I want you to stay here with me.�
�I can�t. Goodbye, Alex.�
The click as I hung up the phone still rung in my ears. Shit, I was weak. I looked over, and saw Richie expecting an answer. �She�s good. She�s in the last year of her education course, and doing prac � loving it, of course. She�s going to make some guy very happy.�
I saw the look in Rich�s eyes. He knew. If I still knew what love was, then I�d probably be even more unhappy. But, like everything else, I had lost that, too. The doctors had tried that� none of them could understand why I was so damned self-destructive. Why every night I struggled between two hells � the earth I lived in, and the eternal nothingness that would come from death.
I knew I wasn�t going to heaven. You can only love others if you love yourself. I used to be scared by it, but I resigned myself to it long ago. It�s no more than I deserve for what I did. Hell, I�m still doing it �
Richie was just walking quietly beside me. I�d been doing that more and more, these days. I got lost in myself � in trying to categorize the world around me. Self deception, again. I�d realized long ago that you couldn�t put the world in folders if you wanted to. Life always throws a curveball you can�t predict.
�Anyway� what brings you here? I wouldn�t think there�d be anything in Sydney to pique your interest.� I didn�t want to bring Tara in the conversation� it was making me feel better, having Richie�s chirpy demeanour there. It would just spoil things by bringing his problems to the surface � most of humanity can live with denial. My only problem is that I can�t.
Richie avoided my glance. �Actually, I�ve been talking to Sam� he said you hadn�t been in touch for a while. I guess I was just checking that� you�re still around.� Great. He was worried I�d off myself. Just what I bloody need� someone to tell me that people would miss me if I was gone. I�m sure they would� for a few months, maybe. The world gets over people like me easily. Richie was looking at my wrists � the scars were still there. That little stint had landed me in a psych hospital for a few months under observation.
I hate the hospital.
I hate the fact that I belong there, now, even more.
�Rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated, Richie.�
He didn�t respond to my pathetic attempt at a joke. I didn�t expect him to. This visit would end up like all the others � every few months, one of my old friends would find me, and tell me that I still had hope. Every time, I�d just be friendly, thank them for coming, and see their plane off.
They didn�t get it. I knew there was hope, I just didn�t care.
The depression came more and more easily, now� sitting in that bar, listening to the Whitlams, I had been� well, not happy. I don�t remember the last time I was happy. But I was content. Now� now I realize what a fool I am, for letting myself get that way. There is no content.
I can�t blame them for trying, though. They just can�t understand how I can know that what I�m doing is stupid, I still do it anyway. They can�t understand why I don�t have the will to try and make myself feel better. I don�t understand it myself.
Eventually, I noticed Richie shivering. He�d never had a strong constitution � army training had made him fit, but he was still frail � half the reason why he had been passed over for advancement so many times. I invited him back to my apartment, but he had already booked a hotel room. We walked the few blocks there, and talked about school memories for a little while. About 11, I decided I�d better head off � Rich was looking tired.
�How long are you going to be in town for?� Probably not long. I wasn�t exactly the best of company�but at least I knew it.
�I�m not sure�I�m on leave for two weeks. I mind spend time here�you know, doing the tourist thing, seeing the sights.�
And trying to instil some sort of happiness in me, no doubt.
I promised Richie I�d call in the morning, then walked down to the street to hail a cab. My own apartment wasn�t too far away. It was strange what you saw on the Quays at night, though� the underbelly of the city. The drug dealers, the pimps, the prostitutes� all living their lives, and none of them happy. All of them justifying their actions. I found it amusing when I saw rich lawyers and businessmen turning up their noses at these �criminals� � especially when most of them were criminals themselves. No-one can see the fault in themselves though � or if they do, it�s too late.
The taxi pulled up � I paid the cabby � far too much, but I�d expect to be paid well for driving around Sydney at this time of night too. I went up to the second floor to my apartment � and saw the eviction notice on the door. Great�I had a week to come up with $3000. Looks like I�d be sleeping under a bridge for a while. Unlocking the door, I slipped inside, and into my bed. As I closed my eyes, a strange thought passed through my head�I wonder if the children in the hospital are smiling�
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
�How is he?�
�Better, I think� he doesn�t seem to be experiencing any of the more extreme symptoms. The depression is definitely still there though��
�It would be so easy�all he has to do is accept Christ�damn him for being so stubborn.�
�He still loves you, you know.�
���
�He doesn�t think he does� he�s given up on himself, but deep down, he knows that he can still care about people.�
�I don�t want to lose him�I wish he could see that. I wish he could see that it wasn�t his fault�that he couldn�t help it if he was depressed, that it was part of his disease��
�I�m still not certain whether his schizophrenia is disease related, or whether he brought it on himself�he just makes too much damned sense.�
�Except to himself.�
�Don�t worry, Alex. There�s still hope.�
�Thanks Richie. And don�t forget to keep a little of that hope for yourself.�
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
� Lee Parkins 2003. All rights reserved.
Lee Parkins
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sydney, Australia
The year 2006
�I will not go quietly � I will not behave myself. It�s not for the sake of fighting; it�s not for you or anyone else.�
Duffy�s Song. The song for a generation � the latest generation of Australians, the true battlers. Except in these days we�re not convicts from Britain, we�re not sheep farmers, we�re not diggers � we�re mates sitting in a bar, drinking our beer and sharing the good times, and forgetting about the bad.
�I was my own man � yeah, I was the shit.�
Tim Freedman�s voice played out over the speakers in the Harbour Quay bar. It was a brand spanking new bar, and it had signed up some top acts � having The Whitlams play on your opening night was definitely a sign that the place was destined to succeed � or the owner had some very rich friends. Most likely the latter.
�Hey!�
The slap on the back that followed nearly sent my beer flying over the counter. I turned around, and saw Richie�s grinning face. Should�ve known. A grin broke across my own face � I hadn�t seen him in months. Rich had done military college at Duntroon � he wanted to fly the Black Hawks. I�d tried to talk it out of him, once, a lifetime ago. I was still young, then. Idealistic.
Strange how time catches up with you.
�So, how�s the army going?�
A shadow passed over Richie�s face, but it passed as soon as it came. �You know, same old, same old � they passed me over for Flight Training again, but it�ll come, if I stick with it. At the moment they�ve got me posted at Oakey, doing ground stuff � you know, looking after the birds when they come in.�
I didn�t ask him about Tara. She�d called me the month before, in tears. All through the 14 months of training, she had stood by Richie, and they had made the relationship work � she got accepted into NIDA and lived here in Sydney. Richie was ecstatic � he made the drive every weekend from Canberra to Sydney on Saturday, and back on Sunday night - until he finished his training, and they still hadn�t offered him a flight position. After that, they shipped him off to Adelaide � Tara couldn�t leave Sydney, because of her work with NIDA, and Richie couldn�t get off base. After eight months of it, Tara couldn�t live with it anymore � couldn�t live with seeing Rich not happy in what he was doing, but doing it anyway in false hope.
She left him. She hated herself for doing it, but she had to put her life first.
The world�s that way. Even if you want to live for others, you have to live for yourself first, just to survive.
It was good to see Richie again, anyway. The Whitlams were finishing up, and sitting around in a bar by myself wasn�t my scene � I invited Rich to sit down and have a beer, and he accepted. We sat drinking our beers for a while, before he looked at me. �So�what are you doing in Sydney? I heard from Phil that you moved down here a few months ago. What happened to that job at the Courier Mail?�
I shrugged my shoulders. �I quit. How are Phillip and Allie, by the way?�
�Blissfully happy.�
Lifting my beer in toast, I saluted my old friends. �To a long and happy life for those lucky enough to still find love in this world.�
�Amen,� Richie agreed, and finished off his beer. �You avoided my question. Come on Tom, tell me � why Sydney?�
I resigned myself. Rich would get it out of me eventually � he always had the annoying habit of doing that. I decided to tell him half the truth � maybe he�d just accept that. The full truth still hurt more than I cared to admit. �I needed to get out of Brisbane. Too many painful memories. Too many lost dreams.�
2003 was a hellish year. I had managed to graduate from high school with a distinction, and a GPA that would get me into any course that I wanted, but I wasted it � flunked out of first semester science at QUT, and got myself into a depression that lost me a lot of things. I lost all I cared about. After that, I didn�t have anything to live for � I still had my faith then, though, which stopped me from ending it then and there. Figured I wouldn�t swap one hell for another. Heh, everywhere can be hell� but not just anywhere can be heaven.
I realized I was holding an empty beer bottle, and signalled the bartender for another, but John stood up. �How about we go for a walk?�
It was Sydney, in the middle of winter, but I agreed anyway. Drowning my sorrows was an expensive hobby, and I didn�t feel like telling Richie that I was two months behind on my rent. Freelance journalism doesn�t bring in the cash regularly, and I�d waste it when I got it anyway. No magazine would hire me without a degree � the fools couldn�t understand that most of these yuppies with a Bachelor of Creative Writing would never be able to see the truth as I would. They were mass produced writers for a mass produced media, in a mass produced world � humanity lost out a long time ago.
�So� how�s Alexandra?�
I closed my eyes. I should�ve known Richie would bring that up. I quickly suppressed the painful longing that started up in my heart � I knew that if I gave into that, I�d never be happy again. Hell, I wasn�t happy now, but I was alive. I remember my last conversation over the phone with her, just before I made the decision to leave for Sydney.
�Tom� you don�t have to go. You know I won�t stop you if you want to, but you don�t have to leave��
��I can�t live this life anymore. I can�t live knowing that everything up to this point has been for nothing. And every minute I stay around here, I�m just hurting everyone else��
�Bullshit, Tom!�
��I couldn�t even stay with you. I wasn�t strong enough to stay with you. I left you, when you needed me the most, because I was too fucking selfish to see past my own worries��
�Tom�please don�t go. I know I don�t see you much anymore�but�I still love you. And maybe I�m just as fucked in the head as you are, but I still love you. I want you to stay here with me.�
�I can�t. Goodbye, Alex.�
The click as I hung up the phone still rung in my ears. Shit, I was weak. I looked over, and saw Richie expecting an answer. �She�s good. She�s in the last year of her education course, and doing prac � loving it, of course. She�s going to make some guy very happy.�
I saw the look in Rich�s eyes. He knew. If I still knew what love was, then I�d probably be even more unhappy. But, like everything else, I had lost that, too. The doctors had tried that� none of them could understand why I was so damned self-destructive. Why every night I struggled between two hells � the earth I lived in, and the eternal nothingness that would come from death.
I knew I wasn�t going to heaven. You can only love others if you love yourself. I used to be scared by it, but I resigned myself to it long ago. It�s no more than I deserve for what I did. Hell, I�m still doing it �
Richie was just walking quietly beside me. I�d been doing that more and more, these days. I got lost in myself � in trying to categorize the world around me. Self deception, again. I�d realized long ago that you couldn�t put the world in folders if you wanted to. Life always throws a curveball you can�t predict.
�Anyway� what brings you here? I wouldn�t think there�d be anything in Sydney to pique your interest.� I didn�t want to bring Tara in the conversation� it was making me feel better, having Richie�s chirpy demeanour there. It would just spoil things by bringing his problems to the surface � most of humanity can live with denial. My only problem is that I can�t.
Richie avoided my glance. �Actually, I�ve been talking to Sam� he said you hadn�t been in touch for a while. I guess I was just checking that� you�re still around.� Great. He was worried I�d off myself. Just what I bloody need� someone to tell me that people would miss me if I was gone. I�m sure they would� for a few months, maybe. The world gets over people like me easily. Richie was looking at my wrists � the scars were still there. That little stint had landed me in a psych hospital for a few months under observation.
I hate the hospital.
I hate the fact that I belong there, now, even more.
�Rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated, Richie.�
He didn�t respond to my pathetic attempt at a joke. I didn�t expect him to. This visit would end up like all the others � every few months, one of my old friends would find me, and tell me that I still had hope. Every time, I�d just be friendly, thank them for coming, and see their plane off.
They didn�t get it. I knew there was hope, I just didn�t care.
The depression came more and more easily, now� sitting in that bar, listening to the Whitlams, I had been� well, not happy. I don�t remember the last time I was happy. But I was content. Now� now I realize what a fool I am, for letting myself get that way. There is no content.
I can�t blame them for trying, though. They just can�t understand how I can know that what I�m doing is stupid, I still do it anyway. They can�t understand why I don�t have the will to try and make myself feel better. I don�t understand it myself.
Eventually, I noticed Richie shivering. He�d never had a strong constitution � army training had made him fit, but he was still frail � half the reason why he had been passed over for advancement so many times. I invited him back to my apartment, but he had already booked a hotel room. We walked the few blocks there, and talked about school memories for a little while. About 11, I decided I�d better head off � Rich was looking tired.
�How long are you going to be in town for?� Probably not long. I wasn�t exactly the best of company�but at least I knew it.
�I�m not sure�I�m on leave for two weeks. I mind spend time here�you know, doing the tourist thing, seeing the sights.�
And trying to instil some sort of happiness in me, no doubt.
I promised Richie I�d call in the morning, then walked down to the street to hail a cab. My own apartment wasn�t too far away. It was strange what you saw on the Quays at night, though� the underbelly of the city. The drug dealers, the pimps, the prostitutes� all living their lives, and none of them happy. All of them justifying their actions. I found it amusing when I saw rich lawyers and businessmen turning up their noses at these �criminals� � especially when most of them were criminals themselves. No-one can see the fault in themselves though � or if they do, it�s too late.
The taxi pulled up � I paid the cabby � far too much, but I�d expect to be paid well for driving around Sydney at this time of night too. I went up to the second floor to my apartment � and saw the eviction notice on the door. Great�I had a week to come up with $3000. Looks like I�d be sleeping under a bridge for a while. Unlocking the door, I slipped inside, and into my bed. As I closed my eyes, a strange thought passed through my head�I wonder if the children in the hospital are smiling�
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
�How is he?�
�Better, I think� he doesn�t seem to be experiencing any of the more extreme symptoms. The depression is definitely still there though��
�It would be so easy�all he has to do is accept Christ�damn him for being so stubborn.�
�He still loves you, you know.�
���
�He doesn�t think he does� he�s given up on himself, but deep down, he knows that he can still care about people.�
�I don�t want to lose him�I wish he could see that. I wish he could see that it wasn�t his fault�that he couldn�t help it if he was depressed, that it was part of his disease��
�I�m still not certain whether his schizophrenia is disease related, or whether he brought it on himself�he just makes too much damned sense.�
�Except to himself.�
�Don�t worry, Alex. There�s still hope.�
�Thanks Richie. And don�t forget to keep a little of that hope for yourself.�
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
� Lee Parkins 2003. All rights reserved.