I rewrote this story, including the prologue, 'cause I made lots of changes. Please take your time to read it and post some compliments to encourage me to write more. Enjoy your read =D



PROLOGUE

(part one)

Before the beginning of adventures, there were these creators who could make anything they pleased with their powers. The universe seemed dark and empty, so they all decided to cooperate in an experiment.
This experiment was to create four intelligent species called dragons. These four dragons had the ability to create things that never had yet existed, things like human beings. The human beings weren�t smart, but the creators found them exceptable enough to start an environment. They couldn�t live on the creators� planet for the oxygen was to hard on them, so the four dragons decided to create one big planet and they called it Zaen.

After time passed by, the humans began to multiply on Zaen in large numbers. It wasn�t long until they reached the millions. The four dragons created more creatures on the planet so the humans would have more company. The creators were fond of their four-dragon-experiment but they soon got very bored of them. Anything the four dragons did now was nothing new to the creators.
The leader of the creators, Zenna, noticed the others getting very bored. She loved the 4 dragons very much, but if it ment keeping the others satisfied, she would have to come up with a new experiment. One day, she announced a new experiment to try with. She had called it �Chronus�. The other creators knodded their heads and decided to go and finish the Chronus experiment for Zenna.
After Chronus was complete, everyone watched in wonder. Zenna had announced that Chronus was male, but none could really tell. Chronus didn�t have anything you would consider eye-popping about his looks. He was nothing but a solid-white-colored, human/dragon-body-shaped creature. It seemed as if somebody couldn�t make up their mind whether to make him the shape of a dragon or the shape of a human.
One of the creators made a gagging sound and turned their back on the disgusting thing that stood in the test-tube. Zenna gave that creator a piercing look that made them melt for she did not like anyone to call her experiments �disgusting�. Chronus suddenly opened his red, beady eyes and looked about the room at everyone, blinking rapidly. Zenna helped him out of the large test tube and walked him down into the center of the creators--they all move away from him. There was a long silence as they all examined the creature that stood in the center of them all.

As they stayed quiet, Chronus did something to break the silence. He faced his nasty face in Zenna�s direction, and suddenly changed into her. He looked exactly like her--face, hands,hair, everything. They all laughed outloud at the way Chronus had mimicked Zenna. Zenna turned angry red, and left them all to laugh.
Chronus became favored by all the creators except for Zenna. She did not like the way he acted. Zenna loved her four dragons (who had been ignored by everyone else) more than Chronus. They might have not done anything interesting, but they were much more wise and loving than that creature. More and more everyday, Chronus was starting to look more human than deformed. Zenna found it quite odd, because he was supposed to stay the way he looked. Maybe the others were adding on more touch to him? She gritted her teeth just thinking that. Chronus was fine the way he was; he didn�t have to get any worse.
Zenna walked down to the lab one day and as soon as she opened the doors, she saw twenty seven of the creators surrounding Chronus who was laying on a bed, body covered with sheets. His face looked so much like a human�s. He had everything on his face that was required to look like one: A nose, two eyes, a mouth, etc., except for his ears..they were horns. Zenna yelled at the twenty-seven who sewed up the last stitch on Chronus�s face. How could they just make Chronus into a human without her permission?
She pushed the creators out of the way and removed the sheets from Chronus�s body. They had equipped him with metal armor, from neck to toe. His body was just like a human man�s. They put black tattoos on his face and gave him ankle-length black hair which complimented his pale skin. Chronus opened his eyes and they appeared the same as always; beady red. Zenna turned around slowly and gave each of the creators a glare. �You ruined him.� Zenna left the lab and went to her lounge.

As time sped by even faster, Chronus could talk completely like a human being, but couldn�t think like a human being. He still had his same powers, just that his appearance was different. Zenna had been in the four-dragon�s communication room, where she communicated with them. While she was talking to them, Chronus was watching her from afar in the shadows near one of the iron stair cases. His eyes glowed red as jealousy rised within him. He had noticed that Zenna, leader of all creators, favored the four dragons more than him. He then left the communications center and went to the room he was given to.

About a few days later, someone had reported to Senna that they had witnessed some sort of creatures evolving on the four dragons� planet Zaen. Zenna ran to the communication center and took a peek. There, on the holographic screen, she saw all kinds of savage looking beasts running about, attacking then eating mammals and evolving into halflings of whatever they ate(example: dragon eat human= dragon-human. alligator eat squirrel= alligator squirrel. etc.etc.) .

One of the creators pointed out to Zenna that the four dragons had obviously screwed around with their world and went insane. Zenna lowered her head, depressed that the one experiment she had ever loved turned into a failure. There was no choice but to seal the dragons up. The creators made an arc on the planet Zaen, and placed it inside the largest mountain. They then sealed the 4 dragons in a stone and sealed that stone in the arc. They called these arcs �Goddess of the Arc�. The name had no particular meaning, they just liked the sound of it. Zenna cried her guts out while laying in her lounge. She couldn�t believe the dragons would do such a thing.

Zenna was on her way to the testing Lab, and on her way, she was horrified at the thing she saw--the mutilated body of a creator. She quickened her pace and walked down the halways, seeing more and more mutilated bodies as she went. She kept running until she reached the double doors to the laboratory. She clamped a man over her mouth and leaned up against one of the test tubes. The place seemed so quiet and lonely. Zenna began to think to herself about the 4 dragons. They were wonderful creatures and never did any harm. If only the other creators hadn�t gone against them.

Being interrupted from her thoughts, Zenna suddenly heard a loud cry coming from somewhere. �Ahhhhh!! CHRONUS!� The name Chronus right away explained the dead bodies in the hallways. Zenna tightened her fists and punched a test tube with all her might, putting a crack in it. Chronus, the one everyone loved so dear, was the true failed experiment. He must have put the savage beasts on the 4 dragon�s planet because he was jealous-- not satisfied with the attention he already had.

Zenna began to think. If Chronus could kill the creators that killed him, he was bound to be very powerful. Zenna knew it was a mistake to give him the body of a human. There was only room for one experiment, and that was the dragons. Zenna heard the foot steps of Chronus coming closer and closer. Her heart skipped several beats in a row. She did not want to get killed by that beast. The only thing she could do was one thing--and that was to create the ultimate creation by using every last drop of her powers. When Zenna was born, she remembered a voice telling her that she would create a community of powerful beings at the edge of her death, and to her surprise, that is exactly how things ended up to be.

Chronus was now inside the same room as Zenna, looking dark and evil. His eyes glowed bright red as blood covered his mouth. Zenna lifted her arms up in the air, and closed her eyes. A blue orb shined from her body, burning through the eyes of Chronus. Chronus covered his eyes, yelling. He charged towards Zenna, trying to cut through, but by the time he got to her, it was too late to stop anything. Three orbs flew from her body and went towards the planet Zaen. Chronus screamed in rage, unsatisfied because he couldn�t kill her for she was already dead. His eyes moved towards the holographic figure of the planet Zaen on a screened window. �Thou has left thee some power.� He gritted his bloody teeth and dissapeared in thin air.


Just so you know what's going on, Zenna just made the 3 different types of super beings with the last drop of her energy, and then she died. Chronus dissapears and goes to Zaen. He wants Zenna's powers, so he's gonna try to drain the orbs into his body. He's basically just a monster that has a big appetite. His main target is the Goddess of the Arc, because the 4 dragons is the main reason why he went wrong.

This is showing definite signs of improvement. You're beginning to put more detail into the characters and the creations in your story, and giving more of an impression to the reader how they are acting. Your prose is easy to read, and your ideas are conveyed through your words.

Keep on writing, and you can only improve. So carry on with the good work, Ann.

the prologue has really done it's job in getting me into the story and wanting to hear more. It's easy to read and flows very well.

besides that I can't say much more withou sounding redundant...
oh and i dun see major grammar errors....ya know who that makes me feel... HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)


keep the writting up and update me when you have more...yes!

I'll be starting the chapters now. Yey finally. Have fun readin'

CHAPTER ONE

In the center of Zaen's core slept the failed experiment Chronus. He had gone to the center of Zaen to see how much energy he could drain from that planet. The energy he had taken from the one-hundred creators was too much for him to handle so he had to rest and let the power digest into his vains. It took him seventy-five years until he was finally complete with restoring his energy.

Before he rose to the surface, he searched for human beings who had nothing but the desire to kill and spoke to them in their head, allowing him to gain control over their body. He fetched three of them and used their eyes to see if anything was in his path to prevent him from getting the stone the dragons were sealed in.

Out in the open grassy plains that surrounded the mountain where the Goddess of the Arc layed within were tons of tents. There were hundreds of them split into three groups. Chronus made the humans walk down the steep forest hills out to the grassy plains. It would take them 10 miles until they reached the groups of tents. For Chronus, this would be no problem. It would take the humans 10 miles to get there, but all Chronus had to do was simply have them teleport. Within seconds, they all dissapeared and appeared even closer to the tents.

The human's eyes weren't good enough for Chronus, for they only could see a limited amount of distance, but they were good enough to stop the tiny specks of human-figures that wondered around the tent areas. Chronus made the three humans walk further on down the grassy plains, crushing creatures that hid in the grass. They only had three more miles to walk until they were finally there.

The air was very hot and dry, causing Reeve's lips to crack. Reeve went over to the very small pond of water and rubbed the wetness over his lips. Reeve was one who was not effected by any weather conditions; he could surive through anything, but that was nothing to be surprised about, for all the Kaedis, Apols, and Amnis were like that.

Since you are probably curious about these Amnis, Kaedis, and Epols, I will tell you what they are. Their main purpose was to protect the mountain that stood before them from the one who desired the treasure that layed inside, and that treasuer was of the one's who created Zaen-- the four dragons. The one who seeked the four dragon's power was the one they called Chronus.

The Kaedis and Epols were like walking statues. They only socialized to one another in battle, and acted bitter when at rest. It seemed as if they all had the same ways of thinking. When fighting in combat, they would come up with some strategy that did not include the Amnis. The Amnis were dfurious about this and tried to avoid of any giving help in their battles.

The Amnis were completley different than the two groups. They all had their own seperate personality and ways of thinking, that's why they were so unique among the rest. They were considered the strongest as well, which is why the Kaedis and Epols never let them in on their strategys, for they had figured that the Amnis did not need any. The only thing they all had in common was their style: Bright-glowing-odd-colored-hair, odd-electricity-colored-eyes, and "differently"colored armors. The weapons they used were different from eachothers-- some had pikes, arrows, fists, and swords. Last but not least for heir resemblances, they all were male.

Kaedis and Epols did not bother to find themselves any females, for they lover the battles more than anything else. Each Kaedi and Epol made no contact to one another, and kept their focus on the monsters they fought once in awhile. Now as for the Amnis, they got with the one's that most looked like their kind: humans, sourceress, and anything else that walked on two legs, saw through two eyes, etc. etc. If they had a girl, the baby would be whatever the mother was; if they had a boy, the baby would be an Amni.

Reeve remembered his wife very well. Her name had been Lin, part of the humans race. Reeve met Lin by saving her from a pack of Coyowings, furry creatures that had the body of a coyote and the wings of a bird. They were vicious-savage creatures, and not only that but were very common around the Goddess Plains.

Lin was a very pretty human being, having long, curly, light-brown hair. Her eyes were the color of a mid-night sky, looking good against her soft, tan skin. Reeve always thought of her smile every night as he looked at the stars, reminding him of her. She died giving birth to their son, but ever Amni had to prepare to face those consequences when they married a human.(note: Humans' stomaches are too weak and fragile to survive after giving birth to an Amni baby[if a boy]. They are very thankful when the baby is a girl.) Reeve's son had been named Teo, being the second strongest Amni out of the group. He wielded an Amni blade, the largest blades to ever exist which could chop through almost anything. His chin-length hair was the color of an ice-blue, and his eyes glowed the color of electricity.

Reeve did not know where Teo was at the time. Teo always was somewhere else. He liked to train himself alot outside of the Amni tent grounds. Sometimes, Reeve trained with him, but not this time. This time, Teo wanted to be alone. On a hill not too far away from his home, Teo finished cutting through the thick warted body of a Fairy Goblin. They were vicious tricky giant creatures that were usually the ones hard to defeat. Teo flicked the purple slime off of his glowing amni blade and continued walking on through the tall grasses.

As Teo walked, he eflt something crunch beneath his foot. He looked down to see a Juppy, one of those creatures that made the crusher's boot smell for days. "Damnit.. not again..." Teo crouched down and wiped the smelly venom off of his boot by using a sharp knife he usually had tucked away within his spiked belt. He looked down at the Juppy and glared, then continued walking on, watching each step this time.

Teo stopped at a nearby willow tree and leaned against it, searching the plains for anymore creatures to practice his strength on. Amni vision could see things moving from miles away. As he looked to right from left, his gaze stuck onto three figurse that were heading towards the tens. "Nosey trespassers.." Teo tightened the grip on his sword hilt and started to walk in a pace, which went from walking to VERY fast running. "Humans are so NOSEY! I can't believe they haven't recieved the message in their brains that they are not allowed or welcome here unless they have our permission!"

Teo arrived at the three humans with-in two minutes. They were seven miles away from him, and he still arrived in front of their gazes in two minutes. Teo squinted his electric-blue eyes at them then tightened his mouth. "No one can pass this boundary. Go back to where you came from!" The three humans stared blankly at Teo as if they heard none of his words. They continued walking towards their destination. Teo gritted his teeth. "I thought I told you no one is allowed past this point!? ARE YOU DEAF!!? GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!!"

Teo did a back flip and stood in front of the three men once again and pointed his Amni blade at there faces. "You better turn around or I will have to force myself to kill all three of you in one blow." The three men still ignored Teo and walked passed him. Teo felt a sudden warmth of anger rise through out his body and charged at the three trespassers, sword in the air. He attempted a slash at them, but to his surprise, it went right through the mens' bodies as if they were ghosts. "...... .....Huh?" Teo's expression went from angry to confusion. He felt his stomache tighten and face turn pale. He sheather his huge Amni blade and stared after the three men as they continued on to their destination.

I can definitely feel the ideas within this story wanting to burst out. Barring the odd typo (which I often do when I'm typing super fast), it is well written, and the flow of the story improves towards the end, the pace quickening and with a sense of mystery created with how the humans are still alive.

Good stuff Ann. Keep on working at it.

CHAPTER 2

Reeve was about to take a nice long nap at his tent before Iparn ran smack-dab into him. Reeve gave Iparn an angry look. �Thee must make sure not to crash while running.� Iparn got to his feet and wiped the dirt off his trousers. �S-s-sir. I am truly sorry.� He quickly brushed the dirt off Reeve�s armor as well. �I was in a hurry... quite a hurry, actually...� Iparn got in his hands and knees as he spoke to Reeve. Reeve raised an eyebrow and put a hand on his hip. �Why art thee in such a hurry?� �I-I was actually looking for you, my lord.� Reeve glanced at a crawling beetle in the dirt and stepped on it. �Why art thee looking for I?� Iparn got up from the ground. �My two brothers, Thayne and Kin were training at the Field Hills when we saw your son Teo wonder off by himself far away from our camp. He was heading towards Kaedi and Epol territory. You know how they would treat him if he showed his face there?� Reeve gritted his teeth and grabbed Iparn by the collar. �How long hath it been since Teo�s leave?� �Ab-bout an hour ago, my lord.�

Reeve looked as if he was about to let out all of his anger on poor Iparn, but before he could have the chance to do so, one of the watchmen came running from the east road on Reeve�s left. The watchmen haulted a few feet away from Reeve and saluted him. �Sir, there has been reports of three strangers traveling towards our direction. They are within one mile away until stepping into Amni territory.� Reeve let go of Iparn and walked up to the watchmen. �Lead me to the front entrance.� The watchmen turned his back and headed towards the front entrance, Reeve following behind.

After running into the three weirdos, Teo went to the Kaedi tent grounds. Teo had to pay the Kaedi watchmen 250golds before entering only because of his race. The Kaedis tent grounds was where Teo�s friend, Kinnison, lived. Kinnison was part of a monk clan that lived two continents away. Kinnison did not explain enough information to Teo about his whereabouts. He was 24 years old and unmarried. Because of his crude behavior, Kinnison and Teo got along very well. Teo wished Kinnison was put into the Amni tent grounds, but the rules were the rules; whoever found the foreighn traveler got to keep him.

Teo headed towards the tavern-tent, which was where Kinnison would most likely be. Kaedis flashed dirty looks at Teo as he walked by but he ignored them. Teo did not pay attention to what others thought about him. Before Teo barged into the tavern-tent, he put a smile on his face and then opened the curtains and barged through. �Heyyyy Kinnison. What�s up my buddy--� Teo looked puzzled as he looked around the tavern. No sign of Kinnison was anywhere. Kaedis and foreighn traveleres looked at him as if he were some freakshow. Teo blushed in embarrasment and turned his back, walking out the door. �If he�s not HERE then where else could he be?� Teo looked around the roads of Kaedi-tent. There was no Kinnison to be seen anywhere.

Teo stepped out into the streets of Kaedi territory and looked around. Kaedis were everywhere to be seen. Teo felt a chill run down his spine as he looked into the many look-a-like faces. They all would give him the same bitter face expression each time he passed by. There was nowhere else to look but ahead into the faces of Kaedis, because if Teo looked at the ground, avoiding faces, he most likely would crash into someone. Up ahead the road in front of Teo, there was a large clearing, Kaedis and humans surrounding something in the middle of them all.

Wow. That's some great work there. I especially like how you introduced your characters. You're very good Ann, keep it up.

I'm still reading Ann, and it's developing well. I am interested to see where the story is heading. Keep on working on it my friend.